The uncertainty stage of a relationship!!

Does everyone have the thoughts of being uncertain in a realtionship? How do you get past the stage of the relationship where you are going back and forth between "this is the one" and "maybe I'm not ready for a relationship" or "maybe there is someone better out there for me"? Should you keep these feelings to yourself or talk it out with your partner?

i go back and forth between those type of thoughts as well. probably best not to speak about it with him. rather, you should figure it out on your own. can't imagine anyone really taking statements of uncertainty very well if they're certain about how they feel about you and they expect you to feel the same. if you're alright with the possibility of him being hurt and as elana said "taking steps back," then i suppose you could bring it up. but, most likely you should wait until you are certain, then you'll know how to proceed. the fact that you are uncertain may be a signal in itself and may be indicating how you should proceed as well. ahh it's aggravating. i'm in a similar situation. however, the sheer fact of being uncertain is always an indicator to me that i shouldn't be with the person. i'm all or nothing, personally.

I'm trying to get clear on what my problem is actually. I was really happy and feeling like the relationship was going good, but then last night I was over at his house and his son was there and I had to sit and listen to 2 hours of Father and son talk which was mostly him lecturing to his son about things. The kid was talking to me about getting tatoos and getting his ears pierced and buying a new motorcycle and getting an apartment on his own and starting a pool cleaning business so that he could make more than 10 dollars an hour while getting through college and my BF was just lecturing him the whole time about the reasons he should not be doing any of these things one minute and then the next minute telling him that he was turning 18 soon so that he is free to make his own decisions which I know is perfectly normal Father and Son talking. I don't know, maybe I felt uncomfortable or maybe I felt left out, I'm not really sure what I was feeling exactly, but it wasn't a positive feeling. Then we went to bed and he asked me what time I needed to go to work and I said well what time do you have to be to work and he asked me again what time I had to work and I told him that I just had to do a telephone conference call at 10:30. Then I asked him again what time he had to be at work and he told me that he didn't have to work because he was working the weekend. So I said, oh you didn't tell me you didn't have to work. Then he asked me why don't I do my conference call there and hang out with him and I said O.K. I guess I could do that and then he went to sleep. I then started to think about how it wouldn't work for me to work from his house because I didn't have my computer or paperwork with me or anything and then I started to get mad about how he didn't tell me that he had to work and how now I was thinking of changing my day for him.

So when I woke up this morning I woke him up and told him that I had to go. He said why? I thought you were going to work from here and I explained that I hadn't planned on working from there and didn't have all of my stuff with me. So then he had the nerve to say why don't you go home and get your stuff done then come back. (we are talking about a 45 minute drive each way) I told him no. I told him that if he would have told me that he was not working then I could have planned better and that I could have stayed.

So instead of us spending a nice day together we will now probably not see each other again for about 5 days because of our work schedules. I left and now I'm seriously rethinking about this relationship and having doubts and asking myself if this is the person I should be with. I don't why I got so irritated with him, but I couldn't wait to get up and get the hell out of his house today. He just called me and I had a hard time even talking to him. He didn't evem think to mention that maybe he could come to my house or me about me going back to his and neither did I. I'm just so confused!!! I don't know what the hell I want from him or what I'm expecting.

maybe you're just having an anxiety attack

"How do you get past the stage of the relationship"

I don't know that you ever get past this in any relationship, GS. It will come in waves throughout. The only solution is to give it enough time, until you feel as sure as you possibly can. That amount of time is different for everyone. Just remember though, if you cut someone loose too early, regretting "what might have been" is much worse than uncertainty. If these concerns are still bothering you by the next time you see him, then absolutely, you should address them. You don't have to do it in a confrontational way, but you can't build a partnership with someone who won't listen to you, or who makes no effort to meet your needs. And why would you want to?

"maybe you're just having an anxiety attack"

Haha!! That's exactly what it feels like.

"maybe you just need a little space from him. there's nothing wrong with that. it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere, so..."

I think that's the problem. I have too much space from him. More space then I want. He seems to have easily slid into relationship mode way before we should be reaching that point. He doesn't seem to feel like he needs to make an effort anymore or make a plan. There is no more dating, he just wants to sit at home and watch t.v. and eat and sleep. There is not as much sexual urgency from him anymore. We have only been together for 3 months and it feels like how it would be after 3 years. I could understand that if we were seeing each other every night, but we see each other twice a week. About every 3rd time that we are together, everything is great and I love how he is. It seems like if we go a whole week without seeing each other and he has plenty of downtime to recover than he is much more attentive and energetic. He blames it on his work schedule and that he is exhausted and has no energy and that it has nothing to do with me. I work a lot too and I don't seem to have this problem. If he doesn't get at least 9 or 10 hours of sleep every night he can't function. He was fine the first 2 months. All I want is some of the man I met back. Is that too much to ask? I'm wondering if this is an issue with me because I seem to keep attracting these types of men that are my age and can't keep up with me. Do I have to be a Cougar and start dating 30 year olds—

"I don't know what the hell I want from him or what I'm expecting."

"Stick around another 20 years and you'll still be asking the same question."

OMG!!! Now that DOES give me an anxiety attack.

Yea!! What the f do you know little man!! LOL!!

LOL Life doesn't come with guarantees, Prince. The only thing you can be 100% sure of is that you can really never be 100% sure about anything. 🙂

All you can ever be certain of when you first get into a relationship Prince is that you want to screw someone. The rest of it has to grow in time. Unfortunately we can not be certain 100% of the time about someone. Lord I wish it were that easy.

Do you mean what I said about the only thing you are sure about is that you want to screw someone?? I would agree with you Evan IF I had gotten laid last night. He didn't even have the energy for that. hahaha!! Maybe that's my answer. I'm definitely certain that I don't want to be celibate.

"Thats not true, im 100% sure that im looking really hot today, and im 100% sure that my new doggies are the cutest dogs in the neighborhood."

Those are both opinion, not fact. 😉

"And unfortunately, im also 100% sure,its gonna rain outside today"

Okay, I'll give you this one...you live in Seattle.

I love the rain. Especially thunderstorms. Sunny and clear is boooooring. ZZZzzzzZZ

🙂

O.K. but I at least want to be certain 50% of the time. I went from being about 90% certain over the weekend to about 10% certain this morning. How the hell does that happen in seemingly one little instant? See?? This is why women always want to have those "talks" with you men that you hate. It's the only way we can sort these things out.

How the hell can you guys be talking about rain when gslove is in a crisis— LOL!!!! I know, the weather is way more exciting than my crisis. ;-(

Very Wise Evan!!! Wow Prince Pisces, Listen to Evan. Now there is a young man who knows what he is talking about.

1. Is he hot?
2. Is he good in bed?
3. Is he interesting?

Yes to all 3, but not 100% of the time. LOL!!

"How the hell does that happen in seemingly one little instant?"

Unless something major happened, my experience is it can almost always be chalked up to the negative effects of over-analyzation. It causes us to lose our objectivity. Or sometimes, we are self-sabotaging based on past experience. Something always goes wrong. We always expect things to go wrong. So if nothing is going wrong...we CREATE something wrong.

"2 and half outta 3 ain't bad...."

I know! Meatloaf wrote a whole song about it. He was one-half less than you, though. 😉

Well, you can "do anything for love...but don't do...THAT".

🙂

Yes, I think you are right Sea Siren!! I think my problem is mostly my struggle of giving up my freedom and feeling like I'm giving up my life style (being with someone who doesn't have the energy that I have). It freaks me out to think of myself as turning into someone who sits home watching T.V. and stuffing my face with food every night instead of out exploring and having adventures. I know that I can still do all of that by myself or with friends, but what fun is it not to do it with your man. I want a partner that is into the adventures of life like I am. Someone who lives his passions every day. He knew that about me going into this and he supposedly loves that about me and he tried to keep up with me bless his heart, but I feel like he has given up now and is just turning back into his normal self.

"he supposedly loves that about me and he tried to keep up with me bless his heart, but I feel like he has given up now and is just turning back into his normal self."

LOL Yes, well we all eventually revert back to our true selves at a certain stage in the relationship. It seems he has reached the "comfortable" stage before you. What you describe though is the major difference I've noticed between Scorpio men and women. The ladies are go-getters and full of energy. The men usually share that when it comes to career, but when it comes to social life, they are homebodies. My scorpio is definitely that way.

It's funny because I tried to tone down my energy for him by sleeping in an extra hour or two and staying home with him to watch the Olympics, gave up on my fancy restaurants and fine wines for take-out and beer, but I'm going damn stir crazy now and I'm reverting back to my true self now too.

You should absolutely continue to be yourself, GS. You'll both just have to compromise from time to time. This is not a strong suit with scorpios, so it will probably be difficult for the both of you..however, not impossible. You will have to talk about it, though. 😉

Yes I think you are right. I'm already starting to calm down now after thinking and talking about it all day. I'm sure it won't be the last anxiety attack that I have though. Maybe I need to go back out on the singles scene to remind myself of how awful that was to remind me that I have a good thing going.