Twisted Astrology & Horoscopes

WARNING: If you are sensitive to off color language and scathing, potentially offensive jokes, turn away now...! lol 😛From "The Starry Eyed Zodiascope":

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
If Scorpios tend to get the toughest rap in astrology, it's because they deserve it. Nasty, spiteful, bitter and conniving don't even scratch the surface of their layered personality. Sneaky and treacherous even as a kid, their idea of a pleasant afternoon is to pull the wings off flies and slip them in the raisin cookie mix. Deep down, Scorpios are the devil on a bad day. Those born under the sign of Scorpio include: Pat Buchanan (November 2), Roseanne Barr (November 3), Charles Manson (November 12)

***

From "Dr. Pluto N. Mundo's 'HorribleScope,' a curmudgeon's takeoff on one's sex life, based on attributes of the constellations(therefore
information!) & exaggerated to a verbal caricature. It may even have
food for thought as to the virtue-vice continuum implicit in each
planetary archetype. Through knowing the extreme, one (sometimes) can
intuit the mean-principle. So much from so little."

SCORPIO (Nov 16-Dec 15) Though straight-forward and energetic, Scorpios
are also argumentative, fiesty, uncouth and like offending people.
Scorpio men are macho-chauvinists, have smelly armpits, and think sex is
all muscle and calisthenics. The Wham- Bam approach. Scorpio women are
tomboys and make good lady wrestlers. You are all accident-prone and
love bragging about your scars. In general, Scorpios like dirt, mud-
slinging, and other acts of passion. Only snakes would think Scorpios
are charming. For you, 'working it out' & 'going for the burn' in
exercise, love, or war is a good way of life. You don't know when to
give up. You believe that 'God loves a Grunt' and that 'getting down &
dirty' is next to godliness. Your next-best idea of heaven is the
Olympics. The Jock mentality is the only one you've got, and you are
successful in athletic pursuits where bad temper and argument is
rewarded. Most Scorpios are murdered by other Scorpios--and should be.
You do terrible things to small animals.

***

From "Astrological Signs Like You Have Never Seen Them":

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.
They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to
their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios
hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person
to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,
they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,
Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich
Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,
& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just
depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't
have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Sc

whoa! can you get one for gemini pheonix? LOL i wanna see

lol, most certainly Luz, just give me a minute here and I'll post it 🙂

(sources for these are in same order as above)

GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21)
Fickle, flighty and just plain annoying; sound vaguely familiar? Geminis are always looking for the best deal for themselves even if it means stepping on the backs of old friends to get it. On the bright side, Geminis toss off friends as fast as they make them so there aren't too many old friends left to lose. Those born under the sign of Gemini include: Latoya Jackson (May 29), Pat Boone (June 1), Donald Trump (June 14).

***

GEMINI (Jne 15-Jly 15) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. You
approach life like a game. And creating computer games is your most
lucrative occupation. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted,
but you will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack
of ethics. Geminis are inclined to try to get too much for too little
because they are clever enough to do so; this means you are cheap as
well as a thief and pervert. Jack of all trades, the nimble, the quick!
You would do well as a Talk Show or TV Game Host. Just tapdancing your
way through life! But people like you because you are bisexual and have
no sticky emotional ties to either sex. People also tend to think you
are a swinger because you are entertaining and musically talented. You
have a sense of playfulness and youth and never grow up, so people
overlook your Peter Pan Complex. Hence, you best represent the American
Way of Life, and the Pepsi Generation.

***

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an
enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then
go do something absolutely different, they are not being
two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle
of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they
are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men
are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,
and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!
Shame on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers,
"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my
life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."
Women, especially, love to p r i c k tease, and then when the guy falls
all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely
interested. B i t c h.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are
easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini
parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.
Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,
even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan
Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry
Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.

LOL!!! funny stuff phoenix, thanx!

Would you like the Taurus one too, Luz? Aren't you on the cusp?

yes!

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21)
Astrology books say they are persevering but that's just another word for too darn stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. There's no stopping them once they've made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, the opportunity is often stale news. Those born under the sign of Taurus include: Lenin (April 22), Saddam Hussein (April 28), Eva Peron (May 7), Jim Jones (May 13).

***

TAURUS (May 15-Jne 14) You are congenial, serious, a natural environ-
mentalist, and thick in the neck. Respecting "the Natural" means that
at Christmas, you won't even "Kill a Tree for Jesus!" You're the
only one worrying about the ozone layer. Because you "loaf and invite
your soul," you are sensuous, oversexed, and eat too much. You even
cook. "Good friends and good food" summarizes your philosophy. But
family values are your favorite thing, and you come from and reproduce
large families. Obviously you are a lover and main contributor to the
population explosion. Worse than a Communist, you might even be a
worshipper of Nature and the Great Mother. All this 'groundedness in
mind and skyclad body' stuff is just a coverup for a mother complex and
incestuous impulses. You have too many close relatives.

***

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach
to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The
typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna treetrunk?" The typical Taurus
comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one marker
in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.
He'll rent a $ 200-a-night hotel room, and a $ 500-a-night whore,
and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's
business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show
for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll
see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are
for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.
In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can
chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged
love life.

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn,
Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms,
Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.

replace marker with "a s s h o l e" and treetrunk with spread...lol

You're welcome Luz 😛

Now, replace "spread" with F U C K ...wow, dxp caught on that we found other ways to curse...lol

aaaaaaahahahaha!! sex & boozes 🙂 and fickle & flighty xD

lol dxp knows all...

That was great...You hit Gemini right on the money....

lol...glad you liked it, sammie 😛

hey do you got a leo one kicking around? these are sooooooooooo funny !!