MIXED MESSAGES. please help

So i have put up multiple questions and am out to get some guidance.

It's long but please do read ...

My bf of a year brokeup with me because of career and felt that we werent good together, but still expects me around...

Now we work together. And everyday there is a new incident i have to sit and think about.

Today he told of guys who were staring at me... then he accidentally touched me inappropriately twice and laughed about it ( it would have been fine if we were dating, but since hes the one pushing it, it isnt okay)... and then he was talking about how he likes girls who eat with no inhibition.. and then goes " THAT"S WHY I LOVE YOU" and quickly turns the mirror so he can see my expression ( I have no doubts about it). And then a female friend was talking about my body and he's like dude you are skinny, and i love your rear.

this is only today. Earlier this week he would say stuff like i realllly miss you can i get a hug ? And my mother is coming over this weekend he insists on meeting her ( he has met her in the past, and i have few friends, i dont know if he wants to show to her that he is someone who is still around for me... but basically meeting my mum is an emotional experience for me)

He is always trying to tell me about how he and one of my friends were to share a room and then that they decided not to ( when it's something that wouldnt effect me, because 1) she's not so great looking and has been a bad friend to both of us that has put us off 2) I'm just not jealous of her.... he would keep bringing it up and i would laugh it off, and then he finally said i dont know if me being around her during that trip was a conflict for you but i am not fond of her in anyway, not even as a friend... and i said EW, im not jealous of her !

he even told our friend he misses me a lot, and then had changed his dp of a picture of us for 4 days this week. I didnt ask about it, because i feel like he is wanting a reaction, but i am not sure about what i should do about this whole scenario...


today he asked me if i was sad about the breakup i said yes, he said i dot know if this is good or bad but do you want to hear how i feel... i said im not sure im ready yet,sorry ( im sure he wanted to say he is enjoying being friends with me)

Since we work together i tend to become normal at times and not let him realise what he has lost. the only time he realises what he has lost is over the weekend when he isnt contacted at all.

Definitely sounds like he's testing you, trying to gauge where your feelings are at. How do you feel about it though? Did you agree to be friends when you broke up?

It doesn't seem like he's giving mixed messages, it seems like he's consistently trying to be a close friend and be considerate of your feelings. But maybe that's too soon for you and your own feelings are confusing things? Seems you're feeling pretty tender right now which is completely understandable :/

That must be really hard to have to work with him every day especially when you still have feelings 😢 I would try to stay away from him as much as I could. Sounds like his comments and actions confuse you. Maybe just put up some really good boundaries until you feel stronger about the whole situation? Let him know where you stand on the touching, hugging, 'love you' comments, etc. if he wanted to end it then all this should end as well. Difficult to go from relationship to friendship immediately after a break up. Give yourself space.

Just sounds like bullshit to me. Mind you, everything that is not clear sounds like bullshit to me!

Sounds like you're dealing with it quite well though. Must be hard and setting boundaries as Loveable says would be good.

I actually work (contracting not employed) with my ex which was exceptionally hard and still is sometimes but it was made easier by having a few months of no contact (which meant no work) initially after the break up and then I put in boundaries such as no meetings in my home, no hugging or physical contact, no presents etc. Just nothing that would be too personal or remind me of past stuff. We are friendly but boundaries help build distance.

I don't know why your bf has decided to split but still try and act like a be. I don't get all this testing and games.

I'm not sure if it's best to give him what he wants and cut him off more. If you say you don't want to split up then he'll probably act more like a dick head!

How old are you both?

How come he wants to concentrate on his career now?

What makes him think he can't have a job and a gf? Has he told his family and friends and clubs/hobbies that he couldn't possibly continue with them due to his career? I bet he hasn't! That's why I think it's bullshit!

Sage advice above, I agree 100% . Men only "test" women they are not that into and set them up for failure if they are not into you 100+% . Regardless of anyones opinions... I would keep my work reputation in tact at all costs, you don't want to look like the crazy ex men love to brag about with their buddies after hours. I would play it cool no matter what you decide to do and make it obvious to everyone you're cool.

Thankyou everyone.

Okay to begin with we are both 23.

Thenits been a rough year for us because we came from the same friend group, where things fell out for me, and he would keep trying to bring me in an then it got nasty for him so through the whole year we were spending time defining our relationship and having this stuff going on.

So when he brokeup he said im not ready for the responsibility to be a bf, i said okay, but since you want to be independent by breaking up dont you think i am allowd to make the independent decision of staying or going ?
But we had a huge discussion about this and he would keep flipping during the course of it, so i thought the only way is that i move away slowly. But like i said firstly i got carried away, and then secondlyI am getting other messages.

Now what also happned was recently a week ago, i deleted my fb account for many other reasons to which he flipped AGAIN. and i said hey listen, it wasnt because of you and he went on a yelling rage, and i havent been telling about things happening in my life ( which has also been getting him angry) so that day i gave him a gist about fall out with a good friend ( not a fight but because of this whole thing, which i didnt give details to him about).....and then i go i get that you brokeup for your own reasons and stuff, but this is not because of you. and he goes listen i broke up because of how we were together.... HE LOVES ME BUTTTT doesnt want to be with me because he feels the timing is wrong an things keep getting messed up ( which is something that hasnt happened in the past 2 months, but he is somewhere living in the past)
Then after he read my whole message about how i am going through a lot.... he replied saying i meant it when i said i love you whether we are together or not i have your back...


Another day he comes and he goes you are MY idiot. Goodnight....


so that's the gist of it....


And honestly... I am a good looking girl, and i have always been the cool kinds that guys have always hung out with... That was what attracted him to me in the first place... So even now when his friends came told me what he has been upto and igave my version they were shocked because he seeemed so clear with them but doesnt see how difficult he acts around me.... and they were like i have been handling it with great clarity and maturity especially since i know what i want and since things are going the other way around , i am just playing it clean....

Everytime I run he chases....

EVEN in the past... now somedays i dont give attention he keeps coming around and then its a vicious cycle.

Is there no way I can get him back though ? Because I know i have been mature and all his friends have said theyve seen crazy exes in the past, but i am the ideal girlfriend.

Also i am good looking and the quiet but happpy kind that gets along well... So sometimes he sees that, and he keeps running after...

Since his feelings are more tender what can i do that will make him feel like we should be together.... because we keeeeep having our moments.... and he even said he still loves me.....
But im not being pushy or reactive.... i just want him to see what a big deal he has lost....

We are interning together so that is only a 2-3 month thing, then we finish our masters by may, which is also something he doesnt see..... like when he is away he comes back and gets all chummy and i miss you.... he doesnt see that in 2 months we are going to be gone and hes never going to get that....

Sorry but there are so many ncidents, he got asked out so when i said wow good for you, he flipppppped. And im like what ? what do you want me to say ? and he goes realllly do you reallly want to be the one saying this... and im like okay im really happy you said no is that good ? and he smiled....

I dont know if this gives a gist of his poor logic, but his friends approached me and aid oh we're so sorry, what do you feel so when i said it they were so shocked. He keeps telling them oh we brokeup and then intellectualizes the breakup... and then goes BUT SHE IS SO AMAZING.

It's refreshing to read a post that flows nicely and that actually makes sense, and that doesn't have text speak in it!

I think at 23 you sound level headed but he needs a boot up his arse! The trouble is, and without sounding like a patronising old fart, you're both young but especially him. This guy sounds like he's all over the place and the problem is you want to make him see what he's losing or how great you are and make him see all the reasons why you should be together but unfortunately it just doesn't work like that. He's not straight in his head, for whatever reason, probably because he needs to grow up.

At 23 he sounds like he has a mental age of a teenager! He actually sounds like this 34 year old Taurus I knew who would literally blow up over absolutely everything. It was very odd because I never expected that from a 34 year old man plus I really didn't know what to do with that behaviour!

I am actually imagining your fella having a paddy over nothing and you're standing there being cool and calm. It would amuse but confuse me! I think you need to have a direct conversation with him. If he doesn't want to be with you then fine but he needs to stop all the stuff you associate with a bf/gf relationship. Friends is fine but if he wants that category then he needs to know those boundaries.

He sounds quite selfish too. He's not considering your feelings here at all. It's all about him. As you say, you know what you want but he's all over the joint. You need someone who knows what he wants. You're only 23 so perhaps with boundaries and time he can go away and 'find himself' or whatever and then you can take it from there but don't wait for him, it's his decision and his loss.

It still sounds like bullshit to me!

What's his moon sign? Has he any Cancerian placements?

Posted by Lovable
That must be really hard to have to work with him every day especially when you still have feelings 😢 I would try to stay away from him as much as I could. Sounds like his comments and actions confuse you. Maybe just put up some really good boundaries until you feel stronger about the whole situation? Let him know where you stand on the touching, hugging, 'love you' comments, etc. if he wanted to end it then all this should end as well. Difficult to go from relationship to friendship immediately after a break up. Give yourself space.

I agree

AgentP911, Thankyou for your respons, I must give you credit for deciphering the situation quite well...

I wouldnt say im level headed because i have just overcome lots of self esteem issues, so what ive said above is what ive said in that moment. Honestly.

But him being all over the place, yes, that's true. I know so, because he said so.

We never fought about anything prior to this break, it was just something he wanted which took me aback a lot more, not because i couldnt understand his situation more so, because up until that moment I saw how he was going through crisis and was non-demanding and quiet and extremely supportive. I did make a concious effort. I am very proud of him and respect him a lot.

The issue here primarily also is that.... his ideal breakup scenario is a mutual breakup where people part ways and become friends and there is no pain but just happiness ( yes, please don't even ask)..... now I truly feel at this point that even while he was in the relationship, he was so afrai that when we breakup if we do, that it might get so nasty that its better to do it his way NOW, when he is feeling all caught up in life.

And in the process of having an ideal breakup, he ha forgotten about how i might feel about it. Even the way he treats it now is so matter of factly.....all in all.... he treats it like we decided for this. But WE never did. I wish he would see where I AM.

BUT BUT BUT again, he brokeup twice before and came back running on his own ( we brokeup because there were atualllly incidents that caused the break, previously), and the way he behaved was just tooo confusing even then too, so the day he called for this current breakup, i told him that he has aid so in the past and he has also done other things during that period and made it difficult. I didnt blame him I just showed how i felt so he could reflect. And that really upset him... Basically the day he called for a break I have told him everything i could say ... I even said he cant be the one pushing me away and picking me up at the same time... he cant be the boyfriend that breaks up and the friend that counsels me about the breakup... and that i need some distance to get used to this change. And well, the FLIP came back into action..... he threw a huge fit, and he was like you will brodd you will sulk you will sit quiet in a corner, why cant you understand where i am and be the one to support me... so idecided the only way out is for me to be friendly and then withdraw slowly.... but this isnt happening. Basically he is breaking up and setting the conditions. If i dont eat he thinks its because of the break and yells.... i delete MY FB account and then i hear him yell.... I told him that i understand its his personal war and that thats the reason he has had to made decisions he flipped again and said its how we are together " either fighting or not fighting" ....

He has made it very clear that he doesnt want me out of his life... so im around... i had stopped mesaging him completely so as to be able to implement NC in some way or the other.... for which i had to beg him too....


He i not a bad guy, but right now, he is dictating everything. And Honestly, i dont know if it sounds selfish...I am playing it safe. I am not instigating topics that can cause an outburst. I try spending time resolving as much shit on my own as i can. im not trying to prove anything... I AM JUST BEING...

But everytime im on my own he keeps running around.

Now like i said we dont text at all, but we get a fair share ( more than that frankly) of each other at work ( mind you we are therapists, so doesn't like get a tad bit more adventerous?). So when its time for the weekend thats the time i get all these texts from him because he doesnt see me around ( or so i believe)....

This weekend, he went on a trip, and suddenly he mesaged me about work ( which was unusual, i didnt overthink about it ) and kep it simple... suddenly i get all these long messages about him wanting to go home, and his cousins coming for surprise and him not being able to go for them and all of that, and frankly, I didn't get the context or understand my role.... so i stuck to hmms and okays. Because I truly felt the weekend phenomena is back. and eventually that convo ended ....


I'd like to draw boundaries, as everyone above has said.... so that i can preapre myself for the worst, kind of give him what he wanted .... and give both of us that space which is really needed and healthy i think....
But I will have to deal with him flipping around. I KNOW.Sigh.


I dont want to push him and convince him about us, because Then even if he does come back its because he will push himself.... But I really hope, he sees that even if everything else is out of place, i was really being around for him and i dont want to force myself into his life, but again neither of us did anything to get here....

Also, i cant be so clear with him, because as psychologists. He is known well for using psychology to dissect his life... which can be harmful, because he personalizes a lo of the theories...

Basically at this point theres a lot costing us.

More tips for anything I can do to get him back ( as selfish as it sound i need tips that might work in favour of my intention) are welcome 🙂

AgentP911, not sure about his birthchart, beause i dont have details about his birth timing.
All i know is that he is taurean.

I am LEO ( but before you react)... my moon is cancer, and i have a lot more cancerian traits and than leo ones.

Posted by sushmitais4eva
AgentP911, not sure about his birthchart, beause i dont have details about his birth timing.
All i know is that he is taurean.

I am LEO ( but before you react)... my moon is cancer, and i have a lot more cancerian traits and than leo ones.

I actually thought he might have Cancer in his chart as he's acting like a manipulative arsehole!

So i went through a minor surgery yesterday. Durin the whole day he'd call and message calling me names and was just asking about what i am upto.

So i hadnt seen him yesterday and today he decided not to come to work. He asked me if i want to work on christmas and i said i would like to and he said he woukd like to come come if im going.
Then... He sends me the following message....

I know i might bot be the best person to say it. I know i have been horrible to you and not keeping you happy enough and this might be a bit hypocritical from my side also. But please take care?I just don't like it when you are in pain....physical or emotional.
I just replied saying, thankyou.

And he goes " ehhh"

And then changed his status to....
All that you feared i would be...all that i know how I would be

Jesus this guy is a fucking drama queen. He's looking for some kind of reaction from you and when he doesn't get it he carries on but changes tact.

God knows what it is he actually wants from you. Is it friendship and his way of being nice to you? Perhaps because you're handling the break up better than expected it has thrown him a bit.

Perhaps it is what it is.

Thankyou again agentp911, for your super prompt response 🙂

Ah, basically theres nothing i can do. anything i do which is even breathing... involves a backfire !

fun times.

Apologies for not offering any actual help or insight though!! He just sounds a bit like a cancer ex from a long time ago who would behave a bit like that to get a reaction.

Oh thats alright.

But with regard to everything else. Like EVERYTHING else he is as taurean as it comes. So with regard to that if you are able to give me feedback, please do so 🙂

Thankyou

Yesterday he kept asking me about my christmas and how i spent the day and i just kept it short. But never asked him about his...

Later during lunch he brings up a random topic and basically tells me all that he is upto. Almost like he has been wanting to sit and tell me what happened over the weekend. I just heard him out. Later, completely out of context he tells me that he went drinking with his cousin who tried to ask about his relationship status when my ex was tipsy. So he asks him do you have someone you want to marry later or are with currently? And he replies saying " I DONT KNOW. CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT IT" i was surprised as hell but didnt respond. He insisted he wanted to come to the hospital with me when i said i can manage he asked me are you sure i said yes and then he asked me again, only so he can turn the mirror and look at me when i say it. Then he brings up the topic of my friend whom he told we brokeup, and asked me if i got the chance to talk to her and i said no .i said that she was with her bf and my mum met both of them when she came down and she really liked her bf. my ex didnt reply.

Today i was ill and he kept coming around. Later in some context i said i wish i had a brother. And a common friend who knows nothing about us oh ask him (my ex) to be your brother. And i just laughed it off then my ex came and said yeahhh i can be your brother and he kept laughing and pulling the same joke and i just said why not.

Later, when the other friend went he came ans said sooo want me to be your brother and began laughing. I said i would have made you my brother 3 years ago when i first met you if you really wanted to. And he got serious and said " i would have missed out on a lot then" and i said " you'd have a lot less problems now too" and he goes problem? No no thats not even how i see it. I just looked away.
Then he brings up the topic of my bestfriend i havent been talking to. And says so is she in town? I say yeah and he goes are you talking? I replied saying kind of , he asked again are you talkin since he hadnt heard it ... So i ask whyy? And he goes okay okay.... And got mad.

I still want him. But im not chasin him or begging him.

I love him. And i dont know why he says or does half the things or what i can do about it.

Sometimes i feel he hasnt got the time to actually allow the breakup to hit him.