Perfectionism at its worst

I have this major problem with having to be perfect. I feel the strongest need to not only exceed in all I do, but to also be the best at it. Even simple tasks that no one but I care about HAVE to be done perfectly (things like laundry, the way the bed is made, my hair). I also feel this need to be the perfect girlfriend (which is why I am writing). I do everything possible to please and become frustrated or disapointed if I don't live up to my own expectations. If my boyfriend seems down or not in a good mood or had a bad day, I feel personally responsible and interpret this as myself not being a good enough girlfriend. I realize I am not now nor ever will be perfect. I also realize how ridiculous this all seems . . . I think so myself too, however I cannot help feeling this way for some reason. I feel as though my need to please may be having an effect on my relationship and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect is like this huge burden. Do any other Virgos feel some of these things and does any one know how I can stop trying to be so damn perfect?

I had the exact same problem in my last relationship. I blamed each flaw or incompatibility on my own shortcomings.
I don't know if this tendency stems from the Virgo need for perfection, or how self-critical we can be - but either way, it drove me crazy!
I realized later that even if I did become what I considered "the perfect girlfriend" and I could finally live up to my own expectations, it may not even match his idea of "the perfect girlfriend". We may have completely separate conceptions of perfection, and then all my striving would be for naught.
So I found out what was most important to him, instead of what I considered important. And I fulfilled my drive for perfection by focusing it in the areas that I knew would make the most difference for him. That way, I didn't spread myself thin trying to be perfect at everything. Not only did it improve the relationship, but I wasn't constantly driving myself crazy, blaming myself, and second-guessing myself.
I don't know if that helps you, but it worked for me.
Good luck!

"Perfectionism has nothing to do with actually trying to perfect anything. It is about illusion, the desire to look good. Because they equate their self-worth with flawless performance, perfectionists often get hung up on meaningless details and spend more time on projects than is necessary. Ultimately, productivity suffers?


"I can't start my project until I know the 'right' way to do it."


I found it many years ago.. and accept it as a weakness? But honestly?.It is not the Virgo thing.. everyone does it.

Problem is that perfectionists always cover up the errors in anyway imaginable in an attempt to maintain a superhuman image, mistakes must be accepted and shared at once with everyone to avoid catastrophe. Without acknowledging the mistakes, we will never learn.

We all are human after all..!

Knowing this that you can not fool yourself up then you should give it up the concept as fast as you can.

Qbone,

Thank you so much for your insight. However one thing I wanted to point out is that I have never been one to cover up my mistakes. I always share my mistakes because usually others find them quite humorous, however, I do feel the insatable need to fix my mistakes or if they are unfixable . . . to just start over.

I do totally agree with what you said about illusion and the desire to look good. I think maybe sometimes I fear rejection if I am not as close to perfection as possible. It's like if i do somthing half-assed . .i'm afraid it will come back to haunt me.

Virgoddess,

I agree with the self-criticalness driving you crazy. I suppose for me its more like being the best i can be at all times and in all things. I just happen to set unreachable standards for myself.

I do blame everything in my relationship that goes wrong on myself. When in reality, I am told it has nothing to do with me or my actions. My boyfriend has told me time and time again that he doesn't want me to be perfect . . . he just wants me to be me. My fear is . .the only me he has ever known is me trying to be perfect and if I stop trying so damn hard at everything, he will feel neglected.

I suppose what it comes down to is that I feel as though I should do everything in my power to please him at all times. I want him to be happy not so he will like me better, but just so he is happy. He tends to be kind of moody and his attitude can bring me down. When he is in a good mood . .it puts me in the best of moods.

You're advice really does make sense though. I suppose it's not important to him if his dinner is arranged beautifully and artfully on his plate. (yeah . .sometimes its that bad lol)

you can't take responsibility for other people's moods....why don't you open up the lines of communication a bit? That way your can verify when something does or does not result from something that you have done....this should relieve some stress.

"and that is the very thing that perfectionists seek to hide."

true. self-denial that is. one can't change may it be a habit/attitude/behavior if they don't acknowledge it. if they continue to defend it they will only be biting people.

people who are in pain or who always want to be right will continue to bite people 'coz they can't admit that they're the toxic element in the relationship.

if people are only more aware of changing themselves instead of trying to change someone else then it's gonna be a more fulfilling relationship. not only for our self but for others.

yeah most of the virgos I know are great when handling business because they are such perfectionists.....at the same time the unwillingness to admit anything is every not-so-good about them can be a major block to deep-level friendship and trust...(e.g. ala "we're not cold and robotic at all....its just that we have extraordinary psychic powers of bullbutter detection and won't bother to explain ourselves until we deem you WORTHY...so actually its a GOOD thing!".....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

i remember doing this stuff over and over again and wonder why i always have dysfunctional relationships.

i can't be wrong, they are. but why is it that everyone hates me? why can't he appreciate what i do for him? why am i being taken for granted? why is it that everyone is lying to me? playing with me? why am i always complaining? why am i always angry?

why o why?

lol

..'coz it's me after all. i'm a victim.

lol

hapi martin luther king day!

lol

Ok, this is messing with my mind . . this here Pisces is technically challenged, lol

I get WHY things are vanishing . . it's just throwing my brain to a loop.

🙂

"i remember doing this stuff over and over again and wonder why i always have dysfunctional relationships.

i can't be wrong, they are."

GOLDEN point there vgurl...this goes for any of us of ANY sign...

Anytime you keep going through the same or similar experience with people over and over throughout your life, its because YOU ARE THE PROBLEM....the constant in the equation...the source of the bullshit.

what up CLA?

ironically enough my perfectionism turns to egotism.....I feel since I have such high ideal that I should obviously be able to acheive them with little more than a smile, and a direct step; I feel like I can turn lead to gold sometimes!!.....but sometimes it's not so simple......