@moondream
14 Years
Virguy & Money
You spoiled him didn't you...
It's not necessarily a Virgo trait. I dated a Leo and he was the biggest scorekeeper I ever met. He'd keep mental notes on who paid for what and how much and never let me forget it. He would tell me where to take him for dinner and what to buy him because he'd know exactly how much the prices were in order for me to keep up with what he spent on me. Suffice it to say that our dates felt forced and awful. I eventually didn't want him spending a dime on me just because I got tired of him harping about what I owed him.
I have seen posts written by women in various forums about Virgo men who never let their dates pay and are generous. Yes, Virgos are cautious about money and can be quite frugal when it comes to making sure we have enough to pay for expenses and we're not living on the edge. Many other signs operate this way too. But Virgos who are gentleman and who have some pride would never take advantage of you.
That your guy did shows who he is. Even if he were NOT interested in you, he should still not use you like that and be rude and selfish. It is a sign of a flawed character, whatever his intentions are with you. Even my male platonic friends would most times insist on paying for my share when we meet because why? They are gentlemen.
Of course you should bring up the money issue. Anything that is causing conflict should be brought up. It is not just money, it is about the spirit of giving. If you were sick and he refused to drive you to the hospital, this would fall in the same category.
There is nothing wrong with you picking up the tab, but guys who want to win your respect would never dream of taking advantage of that. They would want to reciprocate and make a good impression. That is, if they really care about what you think of them.
I don't know how long you have been together, but in the beginning when you are just getting to know them, don't take care of them so much. This is not to be cruel or cold, but to see if they can step up on their own two feet and treat you properly. This is less about money and more about refraining from being the rescuer, bailing him out when he is in trouble like offering your computer, etc. Like being his mother.
If you want to be cherished and adored, you cant play that role. That is why he is mistreating you. It is against his DNA to be the damsel in distress rescued by a woman in shining armor. That is why you feel resentful for it is against your female instincts. I know I might be
I have seen posts written by women in various forums about Virgo men who never let their dates pay and are generous. Yes, Virgos are cautious about money and can be quite frugal when it comes to making sure we have enough to pay for expenses and we're not living on the edge. Many other signs operate this way too. But Virgos who are gentleman and who have some pride would never take advantage of you.
That your guy did shows who he is. Even if he were NOT interested in you, he should still not use you like that and be rude and selfish. It is a sign of a flawed character, whatever his intentions are with you. Even my male platonic friends would most times insist on paying for my share when we meet because why? They are gentlemen.
Of course you should bring up the money issue. Anything that is causing conflict should be brought up. It is not just money, it is about the spirit of giving. If you were sick and he refused to drive you to the hospital, this would fall in the same category.
There is nothing wrong with you picking up the tab, but guys who want to win your respect would never dream of taking advantage of that. They would want to reciprocate and make a good impression. That is, if they really care about what you think of them.
I don't know how long you have been together, but in the beginning when you are just getting to know them, don't take care of them so much. This is not to be cruel or cold, but to see if they can step up on their own two feet and treat you properly. This is less about money and more about refraining from being the rescuer, bailing him out when he is in trouble like offering your computer, etc. Like being his mother.
If you want to be cherished and adored, you cant play that role. That is why he is mistreating you. It is against his DNA to be the damsel in distress rescued by a woman in shining armor. That is why you feel resentful for it is against your female instincts. I know I might be
generalizing here but equal rights and being in the 21st century haven't erased all of the biological hardwiring.
Haha, sure did!
Mine can be a scorekeeper. I know it stems from him being used in the past. However you can't be used unless you allowed it! And that is why I ask him for nothing. If he offers, fine, that is up to him, but he can never say I ever took anything from him. I live within my means and I expect him to as well..BUT..he doesn't to an extent. He's horrible with money. And every woman should keep their own personal bank account and protect yourself!
Oh of course I have my own bank account. I earn good money, I have my own place, my own car. I am financially stable. And so is he. This isn't about the fundamentals in life -- we are each independent people. And I don't consider myself a score-keeper at all. In fact, that is part of my problem. I naturally offer to pay; Leo women like to split things 50/50. And if I have to go above and beyond for him I will. I am devoted to him. I guess I just want to know he wants to share things with me as well.
He mentioned to me once that he supported his previous girlfriend and lost an opportunity to do something meaningful for himself because he was working to support them -- so maybe because he felt used then he is super careful about spending sharing money with me -- especially since he knows I earn more than him? The thing is we haven't discussed money -- so he may think I earn A LOT more than him -- and I doubt I earn that much more -- plus my expenses are so much more great because I just got out of a marriage and had so many expenses from that, I pay more rent, etc.
He mentioned to me once that he supported his previous girlfriend and lost an opportunity to do something meaningful for himself because he was working to support them -- so maybe because he felt used then he is super careful about spending sharing money with me -- especially since he knows I earn more than him? The thing is we haven't discussed money -- so he may think I earn A LOT more than him -- and I doubt I earn that much more -- plus my expenses are so much more great because I just got out of a marriage and had so many expenses from that, I pay more rent, etc.
Oh and we've been together for just over a year now.
Firstly, interesting topic.
This one Leo girl I dated always wanted me to take her to places and of course she was "old school" as it suited her, considering I was bankrupt back then, I did not enjoy the pressure to splurge on her. I actually borrowed money to spend on her which eventually ruined the relationship.
I keep scores too but I make sure that it's at least equal. I'm very frugal and live below my means, a philosophy of "money is something to invest in either yourself or a business, not something to just spend".
That guy however, sounds like an asshole. You should bring it up and after you do, pay attention if you'd notice any change. If not, time to move on. Also, as an alternative - it sounds like you spend way too much, tell him you will be cutting back because finances are difficult and look at his reaction - that will tell a lot.
This one Leo girl I dated always wanted me to take her to places and of course she was "old school" as it suited her, considering I was bankrupt back then, I did not enjoy the pressure to splurge on her. I actually borrowed money to spend on her which eventually ruined the relationship.
I keep scores too but I make sure that it's at least equal. I'm very frugal and live below my means, a philosophy of "money is something to invest in either yourself or a business, not something to just spend".
That guy however, sounds like an asshole. You should bring it up and after you do, pay attention if you'd notice any change. If not, time to move on. Also, as an alternative - it sounds like you spend way too much, tell him you will be cutting back because finances are difficult and look at his reaction - that will tell a lot.
I didn't used to be stingy but I think I may have become stingier with age as I feel that I have given a lot to people over the years but have come to feel that I am taken for granted and that having given to others I have not got back what I needed. In other words, trust has been eroded.
I agree and understand you @virgodog58. being there before.
Also, i always like to have a logical reason for spending my money. i treat the act of spending money like a business transaction.
for example,
i buy you a sandwich, and in return we spend time together and help me reason around this issue that has been troubling me.
basically i always like to see a return value.
Now a lot of people dont reason like this and these are the people that call me "stingy".
This scenario is very common in my life.
Met an old acquaintance in a shop, and after 5 mins of catching up.
she suggest that i buy her this shoe that she adores so much
This is my (internal) reason: "but i don't just understand why i should buy you those shoes given that i've just seen you for the first time in the last 9 months, we hardly socialise and i'm not and will never be your boyfriend....."
Me: joking refuse.
Her: But you are mega-rich, you earn so much and manage your finances very well. It's true what they say about you being stingy.
Also, i always like to have a logical reason for spending my money. i treat the act of spending money like a business transaction.
for example,
i buy you a sandwich, and in return we spend time together and help me reason around this issue that has been troubling me.
basically i always like to see a return value.
Now a lot of people dont reason like this and these are the people that call me "stingy".
This scenario is very common in my life.
Met an old acquaintance in a shop, and after 5 mins of catching up.
she suggest that i buy her this shoe that she adores so much
This is my (internal) reason: "but i don't just understand why i should buy you those shoes given that i've just seen you for the first time in the last 9 months, we hardly socialise and i'm not and will never be your boyfriend....."
Me: joking refuse.
Her: But you are mega-rich, you earn so much and manage your finances very well. It's true what they say about you being stingy.
Did this help you understand your situation?
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From the minute we met he said money didn't matter; which I adore. I share everything with my lover easily and like to know that is mutual. We had been splitting everything I would say roughly 60/40 (I pay the 60% as I earn much more than he does). I've always been extremely generous with him (the 2 times we have traveled I have paid for the hotel, and most dinners, car expenses etc., I buy him gifts frequently, etc.). And I do these things naturally, I just can't help it. I see something that I know he would like and/or need and I buy it for him.
But, lately I feel like he is taking advantage and that doesn't make me want to give. Like he will say, "Babe, do you have cash on you?" when it comes time to pay the bill. Like he can't pay with a credit card or take out cash! Or he is just super slow to pull out his wallet in general. Last night he said his computer was kaput and I instantly offered up a computer I haven't been using (but was planning on selling); he accepted without hesitation and without offering to buy it from me. Not half an hour later we ordered chinese food (which I paid for) and he didn't want to part with one of the 2 hot mustard packets that came with the food!!!!! I was so upset but didn't know what the hell to say to him. Reallly? That is selfish and makes me doubt that he cares for me as much as I do for him.
Oh, and he earns less than me, but he isn't struggling. We eat at nice places, go to concerts and he likes to buy "the best" and always makes a point of it! He will be cheap w/me and then later he'll tell me about some books he bought or some other thing he just spent $ $ $ on. So it's not that he doesn't have it. And it's not that he's completely cheap and doesn't buy anything for me.
How do you bring up money issues? It's a weird thing to bring up. But I think I need to. Any Virguy's have any advice on this? How would you want to be approached about something like this— And/or if you did this with a woman was it b/c you didn't really care for her long-term? I almost see it as taking advantage of the situation while I am around b/c he doesn't see us being together long term.