Wow. :|

I never ended up sending the big letter.

After living in denial for so long I finally decided to face the truth and accept things as they ARE. I saw him last night and decided I had to act mature for once and just to be honest to myself.
So I got there and I calmly spoke and I said "I have been in denial for the past few months and I finally realize and think that breaking up is defiantly the best thing to do for both of us. not sure that he was expecting that cause im ALWAYS the one saying "lets try harder" etc. he just looked at me but didn't say anything. I was the one doing most of the talking to begin with and he was in deep thought but he didn't really know what to say. We then went up stairs in his room to talk. We just layed there for 3 hours and talked. We NEVER talk like that, it was strange but it was good. I said a couple of times "do u agree this is for the best?" and he just didn't say anything then he said "it's hard for me cause I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, I'm not sure if breaking up with u is the right thing" I then said "well its not really fair for me. I can't sit around and wait any longer, for once I have decided to be honest with myself and realize that I am important too and need to put myself first for once, I have been living my life the last few months based around u, all my decisions are based around you and I have been in constant anxiety and stress and i can't do that anymore I must be kind to myself" he is usually a robot so I was shocked when he started crying, and quite a bit. 😢 he shows no emotion ever usually so this was good. I said to him that being vulnerable and opening up to someone who loves u is healthy and he said its hard for him to do that cause he's been so badly burnt in the past, I told him I agree that's hard but it's time to learn and grow from it. I told him that life gives u obstacles which we have to over come I said if he doesn't overcome them then mark my words, this or something similar will happen again in the future and keep happening until you learn from it and take a different approach. We were cuddling quite a bit and it felt so nice I honesty hadn't felt that way in like a year, because it was soooo powerful and meaningful. I didn't say anything though but he was the one to say it first he was like whoa. I haven't felt like this in so long, (basically, love feelings were coming back) something in my head clicked, and I said its because you have been blocking out LOVE.