Who is willing to listen what i have to say. Anyone without judgment who understands and accepts me for who i am.i am different.i do not fit in.i cannot live like most people do. I do not wish to smile all the time or talk.i like being silent. I need silence to balance my loud mind. Thoughts screaming and running in every direction.i try to find focus but i'm scattered,unsure.i am capable i know but unaware of what it is.what is my aim,my purpose. I feel completely lost in the middle of neverland where i scream n scream hoping someone will find me and take me out. No one hears. I struggle to find a way, the right path..i choose to take a road only to find myself deeper into the lost land. Tears run down my cheeks as i write this in the middle of night when the world is asleep. Night is my friend. It allows me to cry. Express my pain, the mental agony i go through everyday. Who knows about it? No one. No one could ever love me with all this chaos, the mental trauma that makes me a beautiful zombie. A dead person underneath the skin of a young woman. I'm afraid someone will see me, i fear being exposed of how sad, lonely, miserable i am. They come closer,i push them away.i don't want their pity,their attempts to make me feel less than how i want to feel about myself makes me cringe. A person with a terminal illness knows what is happening to them as they slowly fade away. My illness seems worse..i do not know what is happening..yet it feels like i'm dying bits by bits everyday. I'm afraid of losing all desires, whatever few remain. Already lost any desire to work, to serve any fucking corrupt human who gets off on the idea of being the self sufficient one, who sees others as his slaves and himself being entitled to be where he is. I cringe at powerful people, ones who have only had vanilla lives. And what is it that you need to have such a life. Sell yourself. Sell your soul. Sell your moral. Sell your body. This is the truth of this world. It buys your dignity, your individuality, your values, your principals, the ethics by which you live your life and in turn it gives you an easy road., a smooth living, a vanilla life. This is what is the ultimate meaning of life isn't it. No. I choose death. I'd rather live meaninglessly than have someone as low of a mortal as another sold out human define life to me. Thank you very much but i'm good, sir.
