"Quotes"

Share quotes that tickled your intellect or your trousers, yes?

Chocolate doesn't ask silly questions, chocolate understands...

Dear Heart,

Fall in love when you are ready not when you are lonely..Sigh..

Posted by FyzaGems

‚‚‚‚

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is the a light in fridge..

All my life I thought air was free... until I bought a bag of chips...

Where the fuck are my cookies...

Honesty is the best policy.

Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it.

http://stylegerms.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/funny-quotes-quotes-a-day-35.jpg

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

"I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals."

Posted by whatthecrab

Posted by HouseCleaning
"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

This is not even true. Lol

click to expand

😕

"I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself."

A cop pulls me over and says papers. I look at him and say scissors, I win and drove off.

I hate that moment you're tired and sleepy. As soon as you go to bed your body is like just kidding.

People are so un grateful! No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.

Quotes provided by the minions

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected, expected?

You really do not understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. -Einstein

For every action is there is an equal and opposite government program.

If it has balls or tires you can bet it will give you trouble.

Posted by Vixen2
Even pathetic girly pinterest quotes? Cuz...I have a slew of them

sure. go on, shoot

"Women = time x money

Now time equals money, so

women = money x money

Money is the root of all evil, so

money = square root of evil

By squaring both sides of the equation,

money squared = evil

Now go back to the equation

women = money x money

See where I'm headed?

women = money squared = evil"

Whether in a suit or in a loincloth people are ignorant little thorns cutting into one another. They seem incapable of advancing beyond the violent tendencies which at one time were necessary for survival. Johnen vasquez

"Better to light a candle than curse the darkness" - Chinese proverb

Captain America: "Where is the laser?!?"

Ultron: "Ask the police!!!"

Captain America: "You can't escape!"

Whirlwind: "You will be the one escaping!"

Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.

Henry Miller

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

Socrates

"Each of us has to find out for himself what is permitted and what is forbidden.. forbidden for him. It's possible for one never to transgress a single law and still be a bastard. And vice versa. Actually it’s only a question of convenience. Those who are too lazy and comfortable to think for themselves and be their own judges obey the laws. Others sense their own laws within them; things are forbidden to them that every honorable man will do any day in the year and other things are allowed to them that are generally despised. Each person must stand on his own two feet."

Hermann Hesse

Demian

I do believe everything happens for a reason ; people change, so you can learn how to let go; things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they're right; you believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself; good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. i do believe sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know, and most of the time our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears .

when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. and when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot - because the best things in life, they don't come free

to laugh often and much. to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children. to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends. to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others. to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a gardenpatch or a redeemed social condition. to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'll post a few later

Nah I'm gonna share my favorite DXP quotes so far:

"I laugh at my own jokes" ~ *Tasha

"I don't like cute. You can shove your cuteness up your ass" ~ that crazy weirdo

"Be the heartbreaker" ~ starwars

"Owning a goldfish helps in understanding the complexity of the Pisces woman" ~ LadyOfRebirth

Maybe one of them was made up !

"Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals." ~ Oscar Wilde

“I’m going to put on my gravestone, ‘He never owned a cell phone.’”

— Jesse Ventura

Hmmm... Let's see now....

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year."

"Stop looking for forever. Happiness is just in front of you."

"Writing is a craft, not an art."

Those were all found in fortune cookies, all at the right time. Number two, I had my husband dining with me!

um.......

"You're going to meet lots of people. And you're going to lose a lot of people too. So don't forget to enjoy the moments you have together, because nothing last forever."

"Just as some things can be right and useless at the same time, can't something be wrong, and priceless?"

*Try everything once except incest and morris dancing* ~ Sir Thomas Beeham

*Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.* ~ Woody Allen

*I would rather have a cup of tea than sex* ~ Boy George

*I find only freedom in the realms of eccentricity* ~ David Bowie

*Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me*? ~ Mae West

*~*~~**~*

You can't control what people say or do or how they treat you, but you can control how you react.

–Pretty much Tacitus

"A smart person learns from his mistakes, A wise one learn from the mistakes of others"

when i think of books, i touch my shelf.

All are lunatics.

But he who can analyze his delusions is called

a philosopher.

DELUSION, n.

The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

-Ambrose Bierce

Devil's Dictionary

I stepped on a cornflake, now I'm a cereal killer.

Put the candle ....BACK.

Posted by LittleFairy
Put the candle ....BACK.

Don't .....put the candle .....back.

Posted by Dreamyboy
2 in the pink 1 in the stink

-Mahatma Gandhi

Goddammit he was a humanitarian genius!