I have to write down how HE makes me feel. I'm too embarassed to be honest with anyone about my true feelings and concerns with him; even my mom. Too embarassing for even her to judge. I've tried to talk to him about all of it, but see it doesn't directly affect him, so therefore it does not matter. I'm sickened by what I really think he is. And oh so tired of trying to get to a place where it feels right again, not that it ever was what right really is. I constantly feel anxious, unhappy, and have this ball, pit of uneasy energy in my stomach that spreads to my chest when I am honest with myself and let what I am horrified to believe is true get to my mind to decipher. I really feel like I cannot go on this way. It is so painful. I almost hope he comes across this, and miraculously understands. Feels for what I am going through. Although I'm sure he would most likely misinterperet it all. I cannot shake the feeling that he is so far from what he tries to get me to see him as. And I know he will never willingly be 100% honest with me. I know I could get to some truths, by deceit and trickery. But I don't want to have to, I just want his honesty. Plus I am Terrified, more terrified than drowning or walking into fire, of what I could find. I feel like my life is ruined, that I wasted everything fantastic, unusual, unique, and pure by bestowing every single bit of myself to him. No caution, just handed him my whole being, and didn't realize until everything had been used, distorted, and universally unappealing. I feel like giving up. Why even care anymore, I see what truely is now, so why fight for any of it ever again? Just shut down everything and ride his ride, the current he dictates until he finally is somewhat honest in a malicious way, see's me as used and leaves me to rot, or maybe he never will. Maybe not being me...shutting down will let him lead exactly the 'just' life he percieves in his world. He'd probably keep me dangling there until the day I died.
