How to give support...

Without giving too much of myself.

I've fallen into some old habits again, that I often do while in a relationship, where I push aside things I want to do for my significant other.

My bull as some of you may know is a workaholic. This past summer he decided he would only work every other weekend and on the Sunday that we both has off we would do something.

We went to the ocean a few times, saw friends, went hiking ..had a wonderful summer.

Now that it's fall (in his mind) it's time to man up and "slave" away.

He is on day 14 in a row and his schedule this time around is such shit. Waking up at 345...for a 5am start in the city. (Commuter life, and our expressway is nicknamed "America's longest parking lot") he gets home relatively early 2pm, but he makes himself food, cleans and then takes a nap inevitably.

If it's a day we have plans to see each other I get to him around 5:30pm and usually he is sleeping or very groggy and doesn't want to do anything.

I understand so that I don't make a big deal about. I've also limited the time I see him during the week because I know it won't be as much quality time.

I've gone off topic a bit. So basically, I've been trying to make his life easier by meal prepping for him,and straighting up his place a little bit so he feels comfortable when he gets back after such a long day and being supportive to his rigious work schedule, while suggesting some time off here and there.

But at the same time I'm compromising what I want.

Fall is my favorite time of year and my friends have been inviting us to go apple picking, wine tasting. All sorts of fun activities. Often I have to go alone because he is working or if he isn't working he does not want to do anything except watch football. And he says he "deserves" it. I don't disagree but I also want to do something with him when we do have a day off instead of sitting inside wasting the beautiful days before the winter, and I do really prefer the share them with him.

How do I be supportive, but maybe also get him to do a little something?

Maybe I just do my own thing. And when he's ready he will join me.

Idk, that makes me feel weird and distant though...

Posted by blvckphvse

100% understand why this is difficult for you. It would be hard for me in a relationship as well. But realize that things like apple picking and wine tasting are not really things most guys enjoy, they just do it to keep women happy.. But for someone who works that much, he likely wants to spend his time off doing things he enjoys. I'd say those type of events are something you could do with your friends without him. Save your time together for things you both enjoy.

Yeah that's what I'm thinking.

It's hard though when my friends have strong opinions on it and "can't understand why he is 'never' around". But that's just them, not any reflection on us.

I will *try* to do things I want to do and not bother him, but it's hard because I love sharing expierences with my significant other.

We just have the best time doing things. Even when he doesn't want to do those things, once he's in it, he never complaines and makes it enjoyable.

Yikes! #workaholic 😬

You wouldn't like my advice. So...good luck 🤞

Posted by sweetpea2977

Yikes! #workaholic 😬

You wouldn't like my advice. So...good luck 🤞

I'll take any advice

Idk if you tell me I'm selfish and crazy.

I have tough skin.

I ask to get different perspectives

Take your best shot lol

Or, hey workaholic just gets worse, dump him now.

Yeah I've heard that one too lol

Posted by emeraldgem

Hey, Boots - am in the same boat. If I thought I worked hard, he works harder. We both have workaholic tendencies and of course, I see both sides. This is a battle you can't win, but just decide how you can work with it. All you can do is keep living your own life, offer invitations to him and negotiate a day where you guys can connect. The last thing you want to do is be another obligation (which I have told my guy as well) but that you do need a share of his time. I try to be that calm in the storm for him but there are times I have to be a little assertive so I don't get pushed aside. It's not fair that the relationship be on just one person's terms. There HAS to be some degree of compromise.

What sign is your s.o?

Yeah the last thing I want to do is feel like an obligation.

I think I have to just figure out what *is* important for him to be in attance to.

Give himample warning and time and the rest, let it go with the flow.

Extend the invite but tell him no obligation.

We have a 70th birthday party for my step dad coming up in October.

That I need him to be there.

So I'll say "hey babe, this is the one Obligation I have for you this month. I really want you to be there. You don't have to do anything else but that for the month of October."

That's generally how we have worked out prior.

The summer was so just nice being with him and doing more.

Hard to adjust back.

I'll be fine, we will be fine.

Thanks for the input

Posted by emeraldgem

My guy is Cancer, Sag moon - he owns/runs a company with about 20 employees depending on him. So funny because I have an October event I really want him to go to as well. I just told him about it (and Boots please don't use the word obligation when extending an invite) I just said, save the date because this is important to me.

Lol kind of our inside joke. He will say..."what obligations do you have for me this month?".

It steams from his one friend who is dragged to every event his gf has...every little family party. "My cousins grandson just graduated 2nd grade" type shit. I say hey, at least I only expect something form you once in awhile.

So it's our funny little thing we say.

Posted by but_didyoudie

omg, well you definitely need to ask the guy what does he feel like doing. he sounds like a house cat though.... i personally love spending time at home... i will entertain myself with pretty much anything or get some beauty sleep but im a leo. the other day i saw a video that Tauruses sleep the most out of the zodiac signs.

so first things first, get with his schedule.... if it means sleeping with him then so be it

ask him what he likes... does he like to do things at home or outside with people.. no people? you need to know this info.

then you can surprise him 😄

Lol, we've been together a year and 1/2.

I know his personality pretty good now.

He is definitely a home body.

Has a lot of friends but only sees them on occasion.

He loves his home and to just relax.

He plays piano, lots of video games. Watches sports and documentaries.

Definitely a homebody. Stereotypical taurus.

He also has a lot of fire in him...so he gets very stubborn and adament when he doesn't want to do something.

I have a ton of Gemini in my chart. So I'm more into doing things and adventures..

Not necessarily with other people though.

I can be lazy, I sleep 10 hours a day...but his schedule right now, I cannot commit to.

I do usually adjust to his.

But I also don't want to change myself because of him

That's part of my old habits I was talking g about, and I was not happy with myself when I did that in past relationships.

I'm a workaholic but I'm also passionate about my job.

I try to create a healthy balance between my social life and work but once I'm deep into a project it's hard for me to get out.

Maybe it's the same for him?

First off who cares what your friends think, are you as bothered by his absence as your friends?

Spend quality time together, you have incompatible schedules but there's still ways to stay connected..

I wouldn't give him too much of a hard time...

Unless it's affecting his health..

Posted by but_didyoudie

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by but_didyoudie

omg, well you definitely need to ask the guy what does he feel like doing. he sounds like a house cat though.... i personally love spending time at home... i will entertain myself with pretty much anything or get some beauty sleep but im a leo. the other day i saw a video that Tauruses sleep the most out of the zodiac signs.

so first things first, get with his schedule.... if it means sleeping with him then so be it

ask him what he likes... does he like to do things at home or outside with people.. no people? you need to know this info.

then you can surprise him 😄

Lol, we've been together a year and 1/2.

I know his personality pretty good now.

He is definitely a home body.

Has a lot of friends but only sees them on occasion.

He loves his home and to just relax.

He plays piano, lots of video games. Watches sports and documentaries.

Definitely a homebody. Stereotypical taurus.

He also has a lot of fire in him...so he gets very stubborn and adament when he doesn't want to do something.

I have a ton of Gemini in my chart. So I'm more into doing things and adventures..

Not necessarily with other people though.

I can be lazy, I sleep 10 hours a day...but his schedule right now, I cannot commit to.

I do usually adjust to his.

But I also don't want to change myself because of him

That's part of my old habits I was talking g about, and I was not happy with myself when I did that in past relationships.

that a whole lot of valuable information you left out from the original post... so the prob is you. so don't. lets see how that pans out and go from there..

click to expand

Don't what?

I have written about our relationship prior. That information is in my other posts.

Sorry if not all that info was there. Also didn't want to write an autobiography

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

Posted by emeraldgem

@Boots1313 - "Lol kind of our inside joke. He will say..."what obligations do you have for me this month?".

It steams from his one friend who is dragged to every event his gf has...every little family party. "My cousins grandson just graduated 2nd grade" type shit. I say hey, at least I only expect something form you once in awhile.

So it's our funny little thing we say."

So cute! You guys will be just fine. 🙂

Thanks, I think so also.

We do really understand each other.

It was just a hard adjustment back after our summer together.

It's really me and making an issue out of nothing.

Silly virgo moon.

Posted by jeane

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

I'm always so happy when you have a personal expiernce that aligns with what I'm going through.

I look up to your advice.

I have done this once or twice and realized that this might be the best method.

This worked all last winter with skiing.

He wanted to go, but there was never a "good weekend". I just ended up booking the trip and telling him.he made it work.

And it was something we really loves to do and bonded over.

Thanks for the advice as always.

Tell me a little more about this "pester power"? 👀

Posted by Basorexia

I'm a workaholic but I'm also passionate about my job.

I try to create a healthy balance between my social life and work but once I'm deep into a project it's hard for me to get out.

Maybe it's the same for him?

First off who cares what your friends think, are you as bothered by his absence as your friends?

Spend quality time together, you have incompatible schedules but there's still ways to stay connected..

I wouldn't give him too much of a hard time...

Unless it's affecting his health..

No, my friend's opinions don't really matter, but I do admit I get a little envious when my friends bfs do those kind of activities with them.

But I also know that a) the guy was forced or b) the relationship is lacking elsehwere.

I really can't complain my bf is extremely caring and does scoop out time for me if I really need it.

Ex: last week I had an extremely hard day at work and was going through a personal thing. Usually I go to his place because with his schedule and his local it's more convenient. But he drove to me and stayed over. Even brought me an apple pie.

So he will make sacrifices.

His schedule changes monthly. Usually he is okay, and he's young (28) so still healthy thankfully.

It does wear on him a little mentally.

This morning for example I saw the apprehension on his face when he was leaving at 4am.

I need to give him healthy reminders, especially after 30 days of work straight, that maybe a day off would be nice.

He’s working a normal work day and not anything excessive. The problem is the commute.

The other problem is that he probably doesn’t go to bed early enough and so he’s exhausted and needs a nap.

His body needs to acclimate to the change in hours and it can take a month for that to happen. He should be technically going to bed at like 6 if he had to wake up at 3. He probably goes to bed still at his normal time or like ten unless I’m wrong.

My ex worked 12 hour shifts with one day off every two weeks for about a year, and honestly I didn’t mind. I had to realize that he’s out working and it’s not fair for me to be a whiny spoiled brat about it because that would be incredibly selfish of me. And because I was able to realize he was doing it for us, I would make his lunch and all his food for the day and pack it for him, so he could get a longer sleep.

It would have been different for me maybe if we weren’t supposed to be acting as a team in a marriage.

A relationship where you are living together is exactly that. A team unit, where you both work together for the betterment of your lives together.

I’m not saying you are a whiny baby brat lol I’m just telling you what I thought for my own situation.

The funny thing about other people, is that they always have shit to say when they are in NO position to say anything.

Are they going to pay your bills for you? Are they going to sleep with you at night? Are they going to cook and clean your house for you? No.

They only sit there and talk a lot of smack. It’s up to you, as his equal partner to put a stop to any negativity people start with. Nip it in the bud and let them know it’s clear you aren’t putting up with any negative talk about your other team member.

I wouldn’t stop doing the things you want to do because you are waiting around for him. You need to continue doing you, but not doing it in a way that is negative or detrimental to the relationship.

Also- you need to put forth more effort romantically now that you barely see him. Things such as sending him extra texts throughout the day about how you hope his day is good, and you are proud of him for grinding so hard, and leaving love notes in his lunch or car. Etc etc

This is all just my opinion and based on what I did when I was in a similar situation.

Relationships and circumstances change and fluctuate over time, and if people can’t change and fluctuate to accommodate that then the relationship will be become stagnant and problems will start. We can’t be set in stone because life is ever changing and we need to at times go with that flow or face the consequences of being unmoveable.

I feel.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by Basorexia

I'm a workaholic but I'm also passionate about my job.

I try to create a healthy balance between my social life and work but once I'm deep into a project it's hard for me to get out.

Maybe it's the same for him?

First off who cares what your friends think, are you as bothered by his absence as your friends?

Spend quality time together, you have incompatible schedules but there's still ways to stay connected..

I wouldn't give him too much of a hard time...

Unless it's affecting his health..

No, my friend's opinions don't really matter, but I do admit I get a little envious when my friends bfs do those kind of activities with them.

But I also know that a) the guy was forced or b) the relationship is lacking elsehwere.

I really can't complain my bf is extremely caring and does scoop out time for me if I really need it.

Ex: last week I had an extremely hard day at work and was going through a personal thing. Usually I go to his place because with his schedule and his local it's more convenient. But he drove to me and stayed over. Even brought me an apple pie.

So he will make sacrifices.

His schedule changes monthly. Usually he is okay, and he's young (28) so still healthy thankfully.

It does wear on him a little mentally.

This morning for example I saw the apprehension on his face when he was leaving at 4am.

I need to give him healthy reminders, especially after 30 days of work straight, that maybe a day off would be nice.

click to expand

All relationships are different.. It's important to be mindful of someone's work situation.. sounds like he's not in charge of his schedule as in he doesn't have a say.. So you shouldn't take it personally that he's not around as much as you'd like.. It's not like he's choosing work over you. It's not personal.

& I agree with whoever said the group activities are also... most likely not his cup of tea.

I'm probably the wrong person to advise anyone because I'm independent in my relationships and I actually like space and time to myself. I find it keeps things fun & passionate.

Posted by Basorexia

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by Basorexia

I'm a workaholic but I'm also passionate about my job.

I try to create a healthy balance between my social life and work but once I'm deep into a project it's hard for me to get out.

Maybe it's the same for him?

First off who cares what your friends think, are you as bothered by his absence as your friends?

Spend quality time together, you have incompatible schedules but there's still ways to stay connected..

I wouldn't give him too much of a hard time...

Unless it's affecting his health..

No, my friend's opinions don't really matter, but I do admit I get a little envious when my friends bfs do those kind of activities with them.

But I also know that a) the guy was forced or b) the relationship is lacking elsehwere.

I really can't complain my bf is extremely caring and does scoop out time for me if I really need it.

Ex: last week I had an extremely hard day at work and was going through a personal thing. Usually I go to his place because with his schedule and his local it's more convenient. But he drove to me and stayed over. Even brought me an apple pie.

So he will make sacrifices.

His schedule changes monthly. Usually he is okay, and he's young (28) so still healthy thankfully.

It does wear on him a little mentally.

This morning for example I saw the apprehension on his face when he was leaving at 4am.

I need to give him healthy reminders, especially after 30 days of work straight, that maybe a day off would be nice.

All relationships are different.. It's important to be mindful of someone's work situation.. sounds like he's not in charge of his schedule as in he doesn't have a say.. So you shouldn't take it personally that he's not around as much as you'd like.. It's not like he's choosing work over you. It's not personal.

& I agree with whoever said the group activities are also... most likely not his cup of tea.

I'm probably the wrong person to advise anyone because I'm independent in my relationships and I actually like space and time to myself. I find it keeps things fun & passionate.

click to expand

Out of curiosity what's your sign?

I use to take it personally, I don't anymore.

Thanks for the advice.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

I'm always so happy when you have a personal expiernce that aligns with what I'm going through.

I look up to your advice.

I have done this once or twice and realized that this might be the best method.

This worked all last winter with skiing.

He wanted to go, but there was never a "good weekend". I just ended up booking the trip and telling him.he made it work.

And it was something we really loves to do and bonded over.

Thanks for the advice as always.

Tell me a little more about this "pester power"? 👀

click to expand

glad to help. you always go in with the best attitude; open to listening to all perspectives and then make up your own mind based on your personal knowledge as to what is best for you. it is the sure fire way to be successful.

they always make it work!! ultimately it is a choice for them. they might proclaim "but i need to work! i have so much to do!" but really if it was an emergency, the work would fall by the wayside. it's just them saying it's a priority and for the most part it is an important priority. it's just not the only priority.

pester power....ooh i can be the worst nag. as a consequence i am mindful not to do it but consistent hints work wonders. one off sentences dropped into casual conversation is like a gnat in his ear.

"hey you know it's my birthday soon"

"hey, you know you better get me a really great present"

"hey, what are you planning for my birthday?"

"hey, are you going to take me out?"

"where are we going?"

"what are doing?"

"what are you getting me?"

Wow we are dating the same guy. Lol

My dude is also obsessed with work. He has a strong work ethic and he feels pressure to catch up to me, even tho I keep telling him he's younger and has a few more years to blow up. It was never a problem cause I'm also a workaholic. However a year+ ago I got in a car accident and learned to slow down (forcibly, doctor's orders). Since then I've been learning to take me time, and business has grown to where I can cut back work to a 4-6hr day.

Whereas he was hired to a new company, his new manager fired and his department all disbanded or demoted save for him. He got a raise, new title, and sent to a new department all after a few months at being at this new company. So he feels this underlying pressure to over perform since there's this unspoken threat of, you don't do a good job- your out.

Add to that he's got his side hustle (auto-mechanic) plus working on his jeep and the boat. So he has his hands full, plus dealing with me lmao.

Anyways, I do my own thing and have plenty to fill my time between work, swim, physical therapy, friends and family. We see each other a few times a week. But I'm putting an emphasis on quality time. As much as I love to fuck, eat, and watch something together... thats more of a weekday thing. Been insisting that I get one weekend day and we actually go do something together. Whether its taking the boat out for a few hours then grabbing dinner, or grilling at my place and chillin by the firepit. I need those quiet moments where we can focus on each other and reconnect.

This is difficult. you seem to be supporting him well already. Can you possibly plan ahead with a date in mind? Sometimes it's hard to do these types of things last minute as a workaholic. He probably appreciates what you do, and quality time with you, any way he gets it, is most likely more important then socializing with your friends.

I don't know what sign he is though- Don't know if that matters.

Just ask him if he can take a few dates off if you plan ahead.

Posted by Boots1313

It's hard though when my friends have strong opinions on it and "can't understand why he is 'never' around". But that's just them, not any reflection on us.

click to expand

I feel you on that. My gbff used to make those comments.

I finally was like, boo you are way different than me in a relationship. You loved to be all loved up and have them around 24/7 (ironically he is an Aquarius). That isn't me, I like to have space...so does my bae. As long as I'm happy with how it is, be happy for me yes?

After we had that convo he got a bit better on interjecting his unsolicited opinion.

I would just say be careful about bitching to these friends about your relationship. Cause if they only hear the negative they are gonna be negative towards him in how they talk. And thats hard to hear.

Posted by jeane

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

I'm always so happy when you have a personal expiernce that aligns with what I'm going through.

I look up to your advice.

I have done this once or twice and realized that this might be the best method.

This worked all last winter with skiing.

He wanted to go, but there was never a "good weekend". I just ended up booking the trip and telling him.he made it work.

And it was something we really loves to do and bonded over.

Thanks for the advice as always.

Tell me a little more about this "pester power"? 👀

glad to help. you always go in with the best attitude; open to listening to all perspectives and then make up your own mind based on your personal knowledge as to what is best for you. it is the sure fire way to be successful.

they always make it work!! ultimately it is a choice for them. they might proclaim "but i need to work! i have so much to do!" but really if it was an emergency, the work would fall by the wayside. it's just them saying it's a priority and for the most part it is an important priority. it's just not the only priority.

pester power....ooh i can be the worst nag. as a consequence i am mindful not to do it but consistent hints work wonders. one off sentences dropped into casual conversation is like a gnat in his ear.

"hey you know it's my birthday soon"

"hey, you know you better get me a really great present"

"hey, what are you planning for my birthday?"

"hey, are you going to take me out?"

"where are we going?"

"what are doing?"

"what are you getting me?"

https://media.giphy.com/media/eiLCRSxfO0zymHHecI/giphy.gif<div class="bqfade">click to expand

😂😂😂

Wow you're annoying. Lmao

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

I'm always so happy when you have a personal expiernce that aligns with what I'm going through.

I look up to your advice.

I have done this once or twice and realized that this might be the best method.

This worked all last winter with skiing.

He wanted to go, but there was never a "good weekend". I just ended up booking the trip and telling him.he made it work.

And it was something we really loves to do and bonded over.

Thanks for the advice as always.

Tell me a little more about this "pester power"? 👀

glad to help. you always go in with the best attitude; open to listening to all perspectives and then make up your own mind based on your personal knowledge as to what is best for you. it is the sure fire way to be successful.

they always make it work!! ultimately it is a choice for them. they might proclaim "but i need to work! i have so much to do!" but really if it was an emergency, the work would fall by the wayside. it's just them saying it's a priority and for the most part it is an important priority. it's just not the only priority.

pester power....ooh i can be the worst nag. as a consequence i am mindful not to do it but consistent hints work wonders. one off sentences dropped into casual conversation is like a gnat in his ear.

"hey you know it's my birthday soon"

"hey, you know you better get me a really great present"

"hey, what are you planning for my birthday?"

"hey, are you going to take me out?"

"where are we going?"

"what are doing?"

"what are you getting me?"

😂😂😂

Wow you're annoying. Lmao

click to expand

lol, that's the thing, i do it almost subliminally. it's the gentle push when you don't know you are being inched over.

Posted by jeane

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

I'm always so happy when you have a personal expiernce that aligns with what I'm going through.

I look up to your advice.

I have done this once or twice and realized that this might be the best method.

This worked all last winter with skiing.

He wanted to go, but there was never a "good weekend". I just ended up booking the trip and telling him.he made it work.

And it was something we really loves to do and bonded over.

Thanks for the advice as always.

Tell me a little more about this "pester power"? 👀

glad to help. you always go in with the best attitude; open to listening to all perspectives and then make up your own mind based on your personal knowledge as to what is best for you. it is the sure fire way to be successful.

they always make it work!! ultimately it is a choice for them. they might proclaim "but i need to work! i have so much to do!" but really if it was an emergency, the work would fall by the wayside. it's just them saying it's a priority and for the most part it is an important priority. it's just not the only priority.

pester power....ooh i can be the worst nag. as a consequence i am mindful not to do it but consistent hints work wonders. one off sentences dropped into casual conversation is like a gnat in his ear.

"hey you know it's my birthday soon"

"hey, you know you better get me a really great present"

"hey, what are you planning for my birthday?"

"hey, are you going to take me out?"

"where are we going?"

"what are doing?"

"what are you getting me?"

😂😂😂

Wow you're annoying. Lmao

lol, that's the thing, i do it almost subliminally. it's the gentle push when you don't know you are being inched over.

click to expand

Sadly, I don't have that tact.

I just come off onnoxious lol

Guess it's a gift.

BTW I wasn't trying to be mean, just playing around with you.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by Boots1313

It's hard though when my friends have strong opinions on it and "can't understand why he is 'never' around". But that's just them, not any reflection on us.

I feel you on that. My gbff used to make those comments.

I finally was like, boo you are way different than me in a relationship. You loved to be all loved up and have them around 24/7 (ironically he is an Aquarius). That isn't me, I like to have space...so does my bae. As long as I'm happy with how it is, be happy for me yes?

After we had that convo he got a bit better on interjecting his unsolicited opinion.

I would just say be careful about bitching to these friends about your relationship. Cause if they only hear the negative they are gonna be negative towards him in how they talk. And thats hard to hear.

click to expand

Yes, I guess I haven't actually stuck up for him enough. I just am very nonchalant about it.

Another bad habit of mine.

Thing is, my friends know I'm a needy and clingy person...but my bf and I are solid...him attending activities with me doesn't make us any less solid.

That's just how I have to put it to them.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by jeane

*rasies hand* i, too, am a work widow.



it is a balance (#cutmeibleedlibra) between letting him be him but also carving out time for the both of you.

from my experience if i just raise the possibility of doing something it has only a remote chance of happening any time soon. so what i have occasionally resorted to is just planning something, booking something and just telling him that it's happening and he needs to be ready by whatever time. that always works. other times it's a case of pester power.

but yeah the apple picking, do with your mates.

I'm always so happy when you have a personal expiernce that aligns with what I'm going through.

I look up to your advice.

I have done this once or twice and realized that this might be the best method.

This worked all last winter with skiing.

He wanted to go, but there was never a "good weekend". I just ended up booking the trip and telling him.he made it work.

And it was something we really loves to do and bonded over.

Thanks for the advice as always.

Tell me a little more about this "pester power"? 👀

glad to help. you always go in with the best attitude; open to listening to all perspectives and then make up your own mind based on your personal knowledge as to what is best for you. it is the sure fire way to be successful.

they always make it work!! ultimately it is a choice for them. they might proclaim "but i need to work! i have so much to do!" but really if it was an emergency, the work would fall by the wayside. it's just them saying it's a priority and for the most part it is an important priority. it's just not the only priority.

pester power....ooh i can be the worst nag. as a consequence i am mindful not to do it but consistent hints work wonders. one off sentences dropped into casual conversation is like a gnat in his ear.

"hey you know it's my birthday soon"

"hey, you know you better get me a really great present"

"hey, what are you planning for my birthday?"

"hey, are you going to take me out?"

"where are we going?"

"what are doing?"

"what are you getting me?"

😂😂😂

Wow you're annoying. Lmao

lol, that's the thing, i do it almost subliminally. it's the gentle push when you don't know you are being inched over.

Sadly, I don't have that tact.

I just come off onnoxious lol

Guess it's a gift.

BTW I wasn't trying to be mean, just playing around with you.

click to expand

haha, i didnt think you were.

Posted by saggurl88

This is difficult. you seem to be supporting him well already. Can you possibly plan ahead with a date in mind? Sometimes it's hard to do these types of things last minute as a workaholic. He probably appreciates what you do, and quality time with you, any way he gets it, is most likely more important then socializing with your friends.

I don't know what sign he is though- Don't know if that matters.

Just ask him if he can take a few dates off if you plan ahead.

He's a bull also.

You know what? I think I know how to handle this situation. We have gone through this before not the first time.

We're just both in an adjustment period after a nice summer of him not working as hard.

Plan ahead, get quality time where we can.

Thanks for the advice

Posted by LadyNeptune

Wow we are dating the same guy. Lol

My dude is also obsessed with work. He has a strong work ethic and he feels pressure to catch up to me, even tho I keep telling him he's younger and has a few more years to blow up. It was never a problem cause I'm also a workaholic. However a year+ ago I got in a car accident and learned to slow down (forcibly, doctor's orders). Since then I've been learning to take me time, and business has grown to where I can cut back work to a 4-6hr day.

Whereas he was hired to a new company, his new manager fired and his department all disbanded or demoted save for him. He got a raise, new title, and sent to a new department all after a few months at being at this new company. So he feels this underlying pressure to over perform since there's this unspoken threat of, you don't do a good job- your out.

Add to that he's got his side hustle (auto-mechanic) plus working on his jeep and the boat. So he has his hands full, plus dealing with me lmao.

Anyways, I do my own thing and have plenty to fill my time between work, swim, physical therapy, friends and family. We see each other a few times a week. But I'm putting an emphasis on quality time. As much as I love to fuck, eat, and watch something together... thats more of a weekday thing. Been insisting that I get one weekend day and we actually go do something together. Whether its taking the boat out for a few hours then grabbing dinner, or grilling at my place and chillin by the firepit. I need those quiet moments where we can focus on each other and reconnect.

I always appreciate your advice and pov.

You seem to be very rational in your approach to your relationship and not overly dramatic and that's something I arrive for in my own.

I feel better knowing that you have a similar relationship. Where we differ is that I've always have been very dependent on my s.o.

This is the first one where I really have to keep it in check.I'm progressing toward more independt leisure interests, but I still have work to do. At least I'm aware.

It does bother me a bit to do things without him. I find myself saying "Z would like this"_"or I need to tell Z "about this.

But at the end of the day we DO, do better when we are apart and separate for a few days.

It makes the time spent together better and he is more willing to do something with me in those cases.

Thanks for the advice.

I think everything is good.

I just overthink things.

It's all part of my growing process and being happier with my alone time.

The issue isn't him really, it's me.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by Boots1313

It's hard though when my friends have strong opinions on it and "can't understand why he is 'never' around". But that's just them, not any reflection on us.

I feel you on that. My gbff used to make those comments.

I finally was like, boo you are way different than me in a relationship. You loved to be all loved up and have them around 24/7 (ironically he is an Aquarius). That isn't me, I like to have space...so does my bae. As long as I'm happy with how it is, be happy for me yes?

After we had that convo he got a bit better on interjecting his unsolicited opinion.

I would just say be careful about bitching to these friends about your relationship. Cause if they only hear the negative they are gonna be negative towards him in how they talk. And thats hard to hear.

Yes, I guess I haven't actually stuck up for him enough. I just am very nonchalant about it.

Another bad habit of mine.

Thing is, my friends know I'm a needy and clingy person...but my bf and I are solid...him attending activities with me doesn't make us any less solid.

That's just how I have to put it to them.

click to expand

Its sucks to feel like you need to stick up for your relationship and defend him in front of your friends.

Just tell em he's working hard to get that down payment on your future home and you'd rather have his undivided attention when he's free instead of sharing him with you thirsty ho's lol.

Tell em that the harder he works now, the nicer of a home you'll be able to afford. Do you want to kick it in our swimming pool or not Kathy? Ok then shut your mouf.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by Boots1313

It's hard though when my friends have strong opinions on it and "can't understand why he is 'never' around". But that's just them, not any reflection on us.

I feel you on that. My gbff used to make those comments.

I finally was like, boo you are way different than me in a relationship. You loved to be all loved up and have them around 24/7 (ironically he is an Aquarius). That isn't me, I like to have space...so does my bae. As long as I'm happy with how it is, be happy for me yes?

After we had that convo he got a bit better on interjecting his unsolicited opinion.

I would just say be careful about bitching to these friends about your relationship. Cause if they only hear the negative they are gonna be negative towards him in how they talk. And thats hard to hear.

Yes, I guess I haven't actually stuck up for him enough. I just am very nonchalant about it.

Another bad habit of mine.

Thing is, my friends know I'm a needy and clingy person...but my bf and I are solid...him attending activities with me doesn't make us any less solid.

That's just how I have to put it to them.

Its sucks to feel like you need to stick up for your relationship and defend him in front of your friends.

Just tell em he's working hard to get that down payment on your future home and you'd rather have his undivided attention when he's free instead of sharing him with you thirsty ho's lol.

Tell em that the harder he works now, the nicer of a home you'll be able to afford. Do you want to kick it in our swimming pool or not Kathy? Ok then shut your mouf.

click to expand

😂😂😂👏👏

This, all all factual!

Thanks!

Boots,

I've read your initial post out to my fella to ask him what his take on this is. I have my take on this latest issue plus I have a bit more background from a few other threads.

He said this is the best you're going to get from him. That summer arrangement was the most he is prepared to offer you. This is how it is and this is how he is. He's not going to change.

I agree with my fella's observation.

I don't think your fella wants to or is prepared to spend the time with you. I don't know why but he doesn't. It is why he is CHOOSING to work the days and weekends, and 14 days in a row. If he valued you and your relationship he would WANT to make time for it. He doesn't. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

Now I'm sure he has his reasons to work so much such as saving money for something but what's he point if he's not able to have a work/life balance, and enjoy it?

To be fair, this guy doesn't work long hours and I don't think he does have a hard day. So he's up about 4am and gets back home for 2pm. That's 10 hours of which some is spent commuting. Is that it? Oh his poor soul. He must be so tired 🙄 shit, I work 12 hour days with a two hour commute each side plus I still make time for all the other stuff life has. I don't have someone making my dinner, cleaning my shit, and wiping my arse after me.

This guy should WANT to be picking apples and tasting wine with you. He should want to be making time for you. He shouldn't be such a lazy bastard and just sit on his arse all afternoon and evening watching the TV just because he thinks he 'deserves' it. Oh I forgot, he even fits in a fucking nap!

I'm not convinced this relationship is quite going the way you would like but I think it comes down to either doing all those things you want to do but doing them without him (which won't make you happy in the long run. In ten years you'll still be sad about going to these things alone) or you need to find someone who wants to share in these things with you.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by LadyNeptune

Wow we are dating the same guy. Lol

My dude is also obsessed with work. He has a strong work ethic and he feels pressure to catch up to me, even tho I keep telling him he's younger and has a few more years to blow up. It was never a problem cause I'm also a workaholic. However a year+ ago I got in a car accident and learned to slow down (forcibly, doctor's orders). Since then I've been learning to take me time, and business has grown to where I can cut back work to a 4-6hr day.

Whereas he was hired to a new company, his new manager fired and his department all disbanded or demoted save for him. He got a raise, new title, and sent to a new department all after a few months at being at this new company. So he feels this underlying pressure to over perform since there's this unspoken threat of, you don't do a good job- your out.

Add to that he's got his side hustle (auto-mechanic) plus working on his jeep and the boat. So he has his hands full, plus dealing with me lmao.

Anyways, I do my own thing and have plenty to fill my time between work, swim, physical therapy, friends and family. We see each other a few times a week. But I'm putting an emphasis on quality time. As much as I love to fuck, eat, and watch something together... thats more of a weekday thing. Been insisting that I get one weekend day and we actually go do something together. Whether its taking the boat out for a few hours then grabbing dinner, or grilling at my place and chillin by the firepit. I need those quiet moments where we can focus on each other and reconnect.

I always appreciate your advice and pov.

You seem to be very rational in your approach to your relationship and not overly dramatic and that's something I arrive for in my own.

I feel better knowing that you have a similar relationship. Where we differ is that I've always have been very dependent on my s.o.

This is the first one where I really have to keep it in check.I'm progressing toward more independt leisure interests, but I still have work to do. At least I'm aware.

It does bother me a bit to do things without him. I find myself saying "Z would like this"_"or I need to tell Z "about this.

But at the end of the day we DO, do better when we are apart and separate for a few days.

It makes the time spent together better and he is more willing to do something with me in those cases.

Thanks for the advice.

I think everything is good.

I just overthink things.

It's all part of my growing process and being happier with my alone time.

The issue isn't him really, it's me.

click to expand

See I'm on the other side of the spectrum and my issue is I'm 'too' chill. I go with the flow and then will get upset and internalize things even tho I tell him no worries, you don't have to show.

So lately been trying to vocalize what I want and need to him more and when I do he steps up to the plate, every time. Like, hey...this is important to me be there or be square.

I 100% agree on being apart makes things stronger. We are headed into 5 years next month and it still feels as fresh as it did year 1. I think in part its because we don't live together and go days between seeing each other. Still get butterflies when I see him and he rips off my clothes within the first 15 mins lol. We have plans to look at places together next summer and I'm low key afraid living together will kill the magic but its the next step so we gotta do it.

i feel like his therapist, and let him vent and talk about his problems. it helps to have someone listen to you < 3. at the end of the day, i imagine that he's tired from work and i give him a bj as soon as he enters the house. id just have dinner ready for him, then we could take it upstairs to the bedroom :p < 3

Posted by Sjess

He’s working a normal work day and not anything excessive. The problem is the commute.

The other problem is that he probably doesn’t go to bed early enough and so he’s exhausted and needs a nap.

His body needs to acclimate to the change in hours and it can take a month for that to happen. He should be technically going to bed at like 6 if he had to wake up at 3. He probably goes to bed still at his normal time or like ten unless I’m wrong.

My ex worked 12 hour shifts with one day off every two weeks for about a year, and honestly I didn’t mind. I had to realize that he’s out working and it’s not fair for me to be a whiny spoiled brat about it because that would be incredibly selfish of me. And because I was able to realize he was doing it for us, I would make his lunch and all his food for the day and pack it for him, so he could get a longer sleep.

It would have been different for me maybe if we weren’t supposed to be acting as a team in a marriage.

A relationship where you are living together is exactly that. A team unit, where you both work together for the betterment of your lives together.

I’m not saying you are a whiny baby brat lol I’m just telling you what I thought for my own situation.

The funny thing about other people, is that they always have shit to say when they are in NO position to say anything.

Are they going to pay your bills for you? Are they going to sleep with you at night? Are they going to cook and clean your house for you? No.

They only sit there and talk a lot of smack. It’s up to you, as his equal partner to put a stop to any negativity people start with. Nip it in the bud and let them know it’s clear you aren’t putting up with any negative talk about your other team member.

I wouldn’t stop doing the things you want to do because you are waiting around for him. You need to continue doing you, but not doing it in a way that is negative or detrimental to the relationship.

Also- you need to put forth more effort romantically now that you barely see him. Things such as sending him extra texts throughout the day about how you hope his day is good, and you are proud of him for grinding so hard, and leaving love notes in his lunch or car. Etc etc

This is all just my opinion and based on what I did when I was in a similar situation.

Relationships and circumstances change and fluctuate over time, and if people can’t change and fluctuate to accommodate that then the relationship will be become stagnant and problems will start. We can’t be set in stone because life is ever changing and we need to at times go with that flow or face the consequences of being unmoveable.

I feel.

Sorry it took awhile to reply, I wanted to make sure to put in as much effort in my reply as you did with your answer.

everything you have said is exactly true and what him and I are already doing.

Although, him and I don't live together we operate as a team.

Basically everything you have said is already what we are doing.

The prob is the adjustment to his ever changing schedule. He can work 5am to 1pm one week and the next 5pm to 1am.

That's where is can get rough because he is all out of wack.

If I really need him to attend something important, a family event say...he will be there with bells on.

The reason he is working so hard is so we can afford a place. Where we love housing is extremely expensive. And mortgages are cheaper than rent...so that's what the game plan is for this time next year.

Thanks for the advice. Since im already doing what you list out, I think him and I will be just fine

Posted by AgentP911

Boots,

I've read your initial post out to my fella to ask him what his take on this is. I have my take on this latest issue plus I have a bit more background from a few other threads.

He said this is the best you're going to get from him. That summer arrangement was the most he is prepared to offer you. This is how it is and this is how he is. He's not going to change.

I agree with my fella's observation.

I don't think your fella wants to or is prepared to spend the time with you. I don't know why but he doesn't. It is why he is CHOOSING to work the days and weekends, and 14 days in a row. If he valued you and your relationship he would WANT to make time for it. He doesn't. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

Now I'm sure he has his reasons to work so much such as saving money for something but what's he point if he's not able to have a work/life balance, and enjoy it?

To be fair, this guy doesn't work long hours and I don't think he does have a hard day. So he's up about 4am and gets back home for 2pm. That's 10 hours of which some is spent commuting. Is that it? Oh his poor soul. He must be so tired 🙄 shit, I work 12 hour days with a two hour commute each side plus I still make time for all the other stuff life has. I don't have someone making my dinner, cleaning my shit, and wiping my arse after me.

This guy should WANT to be picking apples and tasting wine with you. He should want to be making time for you. He shouldn't be such a lazy bastard and just sit on his arse all afternoon and evening watching the TV just because he thinks he 'deserves' it. Oh I forgot, he even fits in a fucking nap!

I'm not convinced this relationship is quite going the way you would like but I think it comes down to either doing all those things you want to do but doing them without him (which won't make you happy in the long run. In ten years you'll still be sad about going to these things alone) or you need to find someone who wants to share in these things with you.

Agentp, I always appreciate your advice and you bring up a couple of good points that I have to consider.

However the general tone of your post I would have to disagree with, and that's partly my fault because I wasn't clear on my original post.

The reason he is working so much is because he wants to buy us a home. Where we live housing is very, very expensive and we want to be able to put down a big down payment so we can live comfortable. The time frame is by this time next year to move in.

It is something we have been looking into and actively saving for.

Him and I actually discussed last night and came to an agreement on his schedule(he brought it up)

I'm going to be quitting my job in October. I have another job in place but it doesn't start until after thanksgiving-End of November. So I'll be out of work a full month.

The way my bf sees it is, he will work this weekend. Off next, and then work though until I'm no longer at my job.

He said to me, "in October I'll take a few days off and we can do all the fall things I know you love".

And after that we are going to Florida for a week and then we have ski season, that we are actively planning trips for.

So he does listen and he does want to do these things with me, he just gets really caught up in the "gravy train" as he calls it.

There is a ton of great city prevailing work right now and he's afraid if he doesn't take the opportunity it won't be there.

When him and I first got together he did say no to a lot of OT and then he was out of work for a few weeks and it made him feel horrible about himself.

It's true what you said that he works a normal day with a commute (a long grueling commute. Ever drove on the long island expressway? It has a reputation for a reason) The issue is his schedule changing at the drop of a hat ex: 5am to 1pm one week, then 5pm to 1am the next with no day in-between. That's when he gets all out of wack, understandably so.

I told him that, that isn't normal, he says his company has "300 guys, whom have been doing that 25 years".

He really is just a work 🐎.

I do have to give consideration to your last statement...if this is something 10 years down the line I'll get use to or still feel sad he isn't joining...idk the answer to this, but I also don't see this as being a reason to call it quits with this man. We really do have a great loving relationship despite this small rough patch at the moment.

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by AgentP911

Boots,

I've read your initial post out to my fella to ask him what his take on this is. I have my take on this latest issue plus I have a bit more background from a few other threads.

He said this is the best you're going to get from him. That summer arrangement was the most he is prepared to offer you. This is how it is and this is how he is. He's not going to change.

I agree with my fella's observation.

I don't think your fella wants to or is prepared to spend the time with you. I don't know why but he doesn't. It is why he is CHOOSING to work the days and weekends, and 14 days in a row. If he valued you and your relationship he would WANT to make time for it. He doesn't. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

Now I'm sure he has his reasons to work so much such as saving money for something but what's he point if he's not able to have a work/life balance, and enjoy it?

To be fair, this guy doesn't work long hours and I don't think he does have a hard day. So he's up about 4am and gets back home for 2pm. That's 10 hours of which some is spent commuting. Is that it? Oh his poor soul. He must be so tired 🙄 shit, I work 12 hour days with a two hour commute each side plus I still make time for all the other stuff life has. I don't have someone making my dinner, cleaning my shit, and wiping my arse after me.

This guy should WANT to be picking apples and tasting wine with you. He should want to be making time for you. He shouldn't be such a lazy bastard and just sit on his arse all afternoon and evening watching the TV just because he thinks he 'deserves' it. Oh I forgot, he even fits in a fucking nap!

I'm not convinced this relationship is quite going the way you would like but I think it comes down to either doing all those things you want to do but doing them without him (which won't make you happy in the long run. In ten years you'll still be sad about going to these things alone) or you need to find someone who wants to share in these things with you.

Agentp, I always appreciate your advice and you bring up a couple of good points that I have to consider.

However the general tone of your post I would have to disagree with, and that's partly my fault because I wasn't clear on my original post.

The reason he is working so much is because he wants to buy us a home. Where we live housing is very, very expensive and we want to be able to put down a big down payment so we can live comfortable. The time frame is by this time next year to move in.

It is something we have been looking into and actively saving for.

Him and I actually discussed last night and came to an agreement on his schedule(he brought it up)

I'm going to be quitting my job in October. I have another job in place but it doesn't start until after thanksgiving-End of November. So I'll be out of work a full month.

The way my bf sees it is, he will work this weekend. Off next, and then work though until I'm no longer at my job.

He said to me, "in October I'll take a few days off and we can do all the fall things I know you love".

And after that we are going to Florida for a week and then we have ski season, that we are actively planning trips for.

So he does listen and he does want to do these things with me, he just gets really caught up in the "gravy train" as he calls it.

There is a ton of great city prevailing work right now and he's afraid if he doesn't take the opportunity it won't be there.

When him and I first got together he did say no to a lot of OT and then he was out of work for a few weeks and it made him feel horrible about himself.

It's true what you said that he works a normal day with a commute (a long grueling commute. Ever drove on the long island expressway? It has a reputation for a reason) The issue is his schedule changing at the drop of a hat ex: 5am to 1pm one week, then 5pm to 1am the next with no day in-between. That's when he gets all out of wack, understandably so.

I told him that, that isn't normal, he says his company has "300 guys, whom have been doing that 25 years".

He really is just a work 🐎.

I do have to give consideration to your last statement...if this is something 10 years down the line I'll get use to or still feel sad he isn't joining...idk the answer to this, but I also don't see this as being a reason to call it quits with this man. We really do have a great loving relationship despite this small rough patch at the moment.

click to expand

Ever hear of the M25? Yeah, London has it's own car park so travel issues aren't exclusive! As for housing costs, again, expensive is a complete understatement here as it probably is in many large cities across the globe.

If it is 'short term' sacrifice for a longer term gain then, as I said in my post, it can be worth it but balance is still important.

Is the intention to buy a place together with some form of joint ownership? A previous post from a while ago suggested he was set on buying in his name alone and not together. Has anything changed?

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by AgentP911

Boots,

I've read your initial post out to my fella to ask him what his take on this is. I have my take on this latest issue plus I have a bit more background from a few other threads.

He said this is the best you're going to get from him. That summer arrangement was the most he is prepared to offer you. This is how it is and this is how he is. He's not going to change.

I agree with my fella's observation.

I don't think your fella wants to or is prepared to spend the time with you. I don't know why but he doesn't. It is why he is CHOOSING to work the days and weekends, and 14 days in a row. If he valued you and your relationship he would WANT to make time for it. He doesn't. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

Now I'm sure he has his reasons to work so much such as saving money for something but what's he point if he's not able to have a work/life balance, and enjoy it?

To be fair, this guy doesn't work long hours and I don't think he does have a hard day. So he's up about 4am and gets back home for 2pm. That's 10 hours of which some is spent commuting. Is that it? Oh his poor soul. He must be so tired 🙄 shit, I work 12 hour days with a two hour commute each side plus I still make time for all the other stuff life has. I don't have someone making my dinner, cleaning my shit, and wiping my arse after me.

This guy should WANT to be picking apples and tasting wine with you. He should want to be making time for you. He shouldn't be such a lazy bastard and just sit on his arse all afternoon and evening watching the TV just because he thinks he 'deserves' it. Oh I forgot, he even fits in a fucking nap!

I'm not convinced this relationship is quite going the way you would like but I think it comes down to either doing all those things you want to do but doing them without him (which won't make you happy in the long run. In ten years you'll still be sad about going to these things alone) or you need to find someone who wants to share in these things with you.

Agentp, I always appreciate your advice and you bring up a couple of good points that I have to consider.

However the general tone of your post I would have to disagree with, and that's partly my fault because I wasn't clear on my original post.

The reason he is working so much is because he wants to buy us a home. Where we live housing is very, very expensive and we want to be able to put down a big down payment so we can live comfortable. The time frame is by this time next year to move in.

It is something we have been looking into and actively saving for.

Him and I actually discussed last night and came to an agreement on his schedule(he brought it up)

I'm going to be quitting my job in October. I have another job in place but it doesn't start until after thanksgiving-End of November. So I'll be out of work a full month.

The way my bf sees it is, he will work this weekend. Off next, and then work though until I'm no longer at my job.

He said to me, "in October I'll take a few days off and we can do all the fall things I know you love".

And after that we are going to Florida for a week and then we have ski season, that we are actively planning trips for.

So he does listen and he does want to do these things with me, he just gets really caught up in the "gravy train" as he calls it.

There is a ton of great city prevailing work right now and he's afraid if he doesn't take the opportunity it won't be there.

When him and I first got together he did say no to a lot of OT and then he was out of work for a few weeks and it made him feel horrible about himself.

It's true what you said that he works a normal day with a commute (a long grueling commute. Ever drove on the long island expressway? It has a reputation for a reason) The issue is his schedule changing at the drop of a hat ex: 5am to 1pm one week, then 5pm to 1am the next with no day in-between. That's when he gets all out of wack, understandably so.

I told him that, that isn't normal, he says his company has "300 guys, whom have been doing that 25 years".

He really is just a work 🐎.

I do have to give consideration to your last statement...if this is something 10 years down the line I'll get use to or still feel sad he isn't joining...idk the answer to this, but I also don't see this as being a reason to call it quits with this man. We really do have a great loving relationship despite this small rough patch at the moment.

Ever hear of the M25? Yeah, London has it's own car park so travel issues aren't exclusive! As for housing costs, again, expensive is a complete understatement here as it probably is in many large cities across the globe.

If it is 'short term' sacrifice for a longer term gain then, as I said in my post, it can be worth it but balance is still important.

Is the intention to buy a place together with some form of joint ownership? A previous post from a while ago suggested he was set on buying in his name alone and not together. Has anything changed?

click to expand

In homeowning It has always has been a joint endeavor, I don't recall it ever being a single ownership thing.

Maybe somewhere along the line I misspoke 🤔

Indeed there is a longer term goal.

The question is if it is a "short term" thing.

He says once there is a home and he feels secure he will take more time.

Whether or not that is true is the question

I don't know if he is capable of not working so hard.

It's just sort of the enviornment he he grew up in.

So perhaps you are right with he isn't able to give me time.

Question is if that's something I can handle?

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by AgentP911

Boots,

I've read your initial post out to my fella to ask him what his take on this is. I have my take on this latest issue plus I have a bit more background from a few other threads.

He said this is the best you're going to get from him. That summer arrangement was the most he is prepared to offer you. This is how it is and this is how he is. He's not going to change.

I agree with my fella's observation.

I don't think your fella wants to or is prepared to spend the time with you. I don't know why but he doesn't. It is why he is CHOOSING to work the days and weekends, and 14 days in a row. If he valued you and your relationship he would WANT to make time for it. He doesn't. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

Now I'm sure he has his reasons to work so much such as saving money for something but what's he point if he's not able to have a work/life balance, and enjoy it?

To be fair, this guy doesn't work long hours and I don't think he does have a hard day. So he's up about 4am and gets back home for 2pm. That's 10 hours of which some is spent commuting. Is that it? Oh his poor soul. He must be so tired 🙄 shit, I work 12 hour days with a two hour commute each side plus I still make time for all the other stuff life has. I don't have someone making my dinner, cleaning my shit, and wiping my arse after me.

This guy should WANT to be picking apples and tasting wine with you. He should want to be making time for you. He shouldn't be such a lazy bastard and just sit on his arse all afternoon and evening watching the TV just because he thinks he 'deserves' it. Oh I forgot, he even fits in a fucking nap!

I'm not convinced this relationship is quite going the way you would like but I think it comes down to either doing all those things you want to do but doing them without him (which won't make you happy in the long run. In ten years you'll still be sad about going to these things alone) or you need to find someone who wants to share in these things with you.

Agentp, I always appreciate your advice and you bring up a couple of good points that I have to consider.

However the general tone of your post I would have to disagree with, and that's partly my fault because I wasn't clear on my original post.

The reason he is working so much is because he wants to buy us a home. Where we live housing is very, very expensive and we want to be able to put down a big down payment so we can live comfortable. The time frame is by this time next year to move in.

It is something we have been looking into and actively saving for.

Him and I actually discussed last night and came to an agreement on his schedule(he brought it up)

I'm going to be quitting my job in October. I have another job in place but it doesn't start until after thanksgiving-End of November. So I'll be out of work a full month.

The way my bf sees it is, he will work this weekend. Off next, and then work though until I'm no longer at my job.

He said to me, "in October I'll take a few days off and we can do all the fall things I know you love".

And after that we are going to Florida for a week and then we have ski season, that we are actively planning trips for.

So he does listen and he does want to do these things with me, he just gets really caught up in the "gravy train" as he calls it.

There is a ton of great city prevailing work right now and he's afraid if he doesn't take the opportunity it won't be there.

When him and I first got together he did say no to a lot of OT and then he was out of work for a few weeks and it made him feel horrible about himself.

It's true what you said that he works a normal day with a commute (a long grueling commute. Ever drove on the long island expressway? It has a reputation for a reason) The issue is his schedule changing at the drop of a hat ex: 5am to 1pm one week, then 5pm to 1am the next with no day in-between. That's when he gets all out of wack, understandably so.

I told him that, that isn't normal, he says his company has "300 guys, whom have been doing that 25 years".

He really is just a work 🐎.

I do have to give consideration to your last statement...if this is something 10 years down the line I'll get use to or still feel sad he isn't joining...idk the answer to this, but I also don't see this as being a reason to call it quits with this man. We really do have a great loving relationship despite this small rough patch at the moment.

Ever hear of the M25? Yeah, London has it's own car park so travel issues aren't exclusive! As for housing costs, again, expensive is a complete understatement here as it probably is in many large cities across the globe.

If it is 'short term' sacrifice for a longer term gain then, as I said in my post, it can be worth it but balance is still important.

Is the intention to buy a place together with some form of joint ownership? A previous post from a while ago suggested he was set on buying in his name alone and not together. Has anything changed?

In homeowning It has always has been a joint endeavor, I don't recall it ever being a single ownership thing.

Maybe somewhere along the line I misspoke 🤔

Indeed there is a longer term goal.

The question is if it is a "short term" thing.

He says once there is a home and he feels secure he will take more time.

Whether or not that is true is the question

I don't know if he is capable of not working so hard.

It's just sort of the enviornment he he grew up in.

So perhaps you are right with he isn't able to give me time.

Question is if that's something I can handle?

click to expand

The home ownership thing I mentioned was a conversation between him and his mum. You were present too. He was talking about buying a place but I recall it was solely to be in his name. You were miffed about it as there was no intention or mention of buying together.

It was a while ago now. I'm not gonna trawl through your posts to find it so hopefully this might be a scenario you recall. I remember thinking at the time that maybe the home ownership thing had always been a dream for him so he only factored in buying on his own at that time and/or wanted to keep it for himself or wasn't ready to be factoring you in with such a large purchase. Again, things change and I had wondered if the plan had changed to something joint which is why I asked.

I don't think this relationship should be cast aside either. However, that question of whether his work habits/priority levels are currently aligned to yours/run parallel with what you both want, needs to be considered.

Once the house is bought, do you or he think this will be the time to ease off the work schedule? I think not. Home ownership will bring a constant stream of bills along with a greater need to work. Now he works by choice. In the future he will work because he has less choice. Your situation may not improve. In fact, it could be the reason it becomes worse. Sorry love, I can't go to this event due to work. We have to make that mortgage payment, fix that boiler, pay the gas, and more likely you will hear that he now chooses to work more to reduce the mortgage quicker... Under the guise that he's doing it all for you but it may well be at the cost of your social life.

I'm not saying it will be a complete disaster. I'm just saying (so is my Taurus fella) that he is not going to change. He's 28 and you're 30 (I think) so you're both at that time where making commitments and putting roots down is coming in to play. You just need to check if you're happy with your investment in him and are prepared to continue investing in him.

Maybe you get married, maybe you have children. More expense. More work. In ten years time when you're 40, you might look back and think on things.

Maybe you both got that balance in check and are fulfilled with how life is going. Maybe you feel unfulfilled, resentful even, because despite being a good man and working, over the ten years he never quite wanted to make that time to be with you and you look back and think no, he never did change.

I don't have the answer but you either accept him as he is now because he's showing you who he is or you don't. You both need to ensure that what you want and what your expectations are match with each other, and don't just be a Taurus and stick with something for the sake of it!

Also, are you planning on living together before buying a place together? I strongly advise you do.

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by Boots1313

Posted by AgentP911

Boots,

I've read your initial post out to my fella to ask him what his take on this is. I have my take on this latest issue plus I have a bit more background from a few other threads.

He said this is the best you're going to get from him. That summer arrangement was the most he is prepared to offer you. This is how it is and this is how he is. He's not going to change.

I agree with my fella's observation.

I don't think your fella wants to or is prepared to spend the time with you. I don't know why but he doesn't. It is why he is CHOOSING to work the days and weekends, and 14 days in a row. If he valued you and your relationship he would WANT to make time for it. He doesn't. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

Now I'm sure he has his reasons to work so much such as saving money for something but what's he point if he's not able to have a work/life balance, and enjoy it?

To be fair, this guy doesn't work long hours and I don't think he does have a hard day. So he's up about 4am and gets back home for 2pm. That's 10 hours of which some is spent commuting. Is that it? Oh his poor soul. He must be so tired 🙄 shit, I work 12 hour days with a two hour commute each side plus I still make time for all the other stuff life has. I don't have someone making my dinner, cleaning my shit, and wiping my arse after me.

This guy should WANT to be picking apples and tasting wine with you. He should want to be making time for you. He shouldn't be such a lazy bastard and just sit on his arse all afternoon and evening watching the TV just because he thinks he 'deserves' it. Oh I forgot, he even fits in a fucking nap!

I'm not convinced this relationship is quite going the way you would like but I think it comes down to either doing all those things you want to do but doing them without him (which won't make you happy in the long run. In ten years you'll still be sad about going to these things alone) or you need to find someone who wants to share in these things with you.

Agentp, I always appreciate your advice and you bring up a couple of good points that I have to consider.

However the general tone of your post I would have to disagree with, and that's partly my fault because I wasn't clear on my original post.

The reason he is working so much is because he wants to buy us a home. Where we live housing is very, very expensive and we want to be able to put down a big down payment so we can live comfortable. The time frame is by this time next year to move in.

It is something we have been looking into and actively saving for.

Him and I actually discussed last night and came to an agreement on his schedule(he brought it up)

I'm going to be quitting my job in October. I have another job in place but it doesn't start until after thanksgiving-End of November. So I'll be out of work a full month.

The way my bf sees it is, he will work this weekend. Off next, and then work though until I'm no longer at my job.

He said to me, "in October I'll take a few days off and we can do all the fall things I know you love".

And after that we are going to Florida for a week and then we have ski season, that we are actively planning trips for.

So he does listen and he does want to do these things with me, he just gets really caught up in the "gravy train" as he calls it.

There is a ton of great city prevailing work right now and he's afraid if he doesn't take the opportunity it won't be there.

When him and I first got together he did say no to a lot of OT and then he was out of work for a few weeks and it made him feel horrible about himself.

It's true what you said that he works a normal day with a commute (a long grueling commute. Ever drove on the long island expressway? It has a reputation for a reason) The issue is his schedule changing at the drop of a hat ex: 5am to 1pm one week, then 5pm to 1am the next with no day in-between. That's when he gets all out of wack, understandably so.

I told him that, that isn't normal, he says his company has "300 guys, whom have been doing that 25 years".

He really is just a work 🐎.

I do have to give consideration to your last statement...if this is something 10 years down the line I'll get use to or still feel sad he isn't joining...idk the answer to this, but I also don't see this as being a reason to call it quits with this man. We really do have a great loving relationship despite this small rough patch at the moment.

Ever hear of the M25? Yeah, London has it's own car park so travel issues aren't exclusive! As for housing costs, again, expensive is a complete understatement here as it probably is in many large cities across the globe.

If it is 'short term' sacrifice for a longer term gain then, as I said in my post, it can be worth it but balance is still important.

Is the intention to buy a place together with some form of joint ownership? A previous post from a while ago suggested he was set on buying in his name alone and not together. Has anything changed?

In homeowning It has always has been a joint endeavor, I don't recall it ever being a single ownership thing.

Maybe somewhere along the line I misspoke 🤔

Indeed there is a longer term goal.

The question is if it is a "short term" thing.

He says once there is a home and he feels secure he will take more time.

Whether or not that is true is the question

I don't know if he is capable of not working so hard.

It's just sort of the enviornment he he grew up in.

So perhaps you are right with he isn't able to give me time.

Question is if that's something I can handle?

The home ownership thing I mentioned was a conversation between him and his mum. You were present too. He was talking about buying a place but I recall it was solely to be in his name. You were miffed about it as there was no intention or mention of buying together.

It was a while ago now. I'm not gonna trawl through your posts to find it so hopefully this might be a scenario you recall. I remember thinking at the time that maybe the home ownership thing had always been a dream for him so he only factored in buying on his own at that time and/or wanted to keep it for himself or wasn't ready to be factoring you in with such a large purchase. Again, things change and I had wondered if the plan had changed to something joint which is why I asked.

I don't think this relationship should be cast aside either. However, that question of whether his work habits/priority levels are currently aligned to yours/run parallel with what you both want, needs to be considered.

Once the house is bought, do you or he think this will be the time to ease off the work schedule? I think not. Home ownership will bring a constant stream of bills along with a greater need to work. Now he works by choice. In the future he will work because he has less choice. Your situation may not improve. In fact, it could be the reason it becomes worse. Sorry love, I can't go to this event due to work. We have to make that mortgage payment, fix that boiler, pay the gas, and more likely you will hear that he now chooses to work more to reduce the mortgage quicker... Under the guise that he's doing it all for you but it may well be at the cost of your social life.

I'm not saying it will be a complete disaster. I'm just saying (so is my Taurus fella) that he is not going to change. He's 28 and you're 30 (I think) so you're both at that time where making commitments and putting roots down is coming in to play. You just need to check if you're happy with your investment in him and are prepared to continue investing in him.

Maybe you get married, maybe you have children. More expense. More work. In ten years time when you're 40, you might look back and think on things.

Maybe you both got that balance in check and are fulfilled with how life is going. Maybe you feel unfulfilled, resentful even, because despite being a good man and working, over the ten years he never quite wanted to make that time to be with you and you look back and think no, he never did change.

I don't have the answer but you either accept him as he is now because he's showing you who he is or you don't. You both need to ensure that what you want and what your expectations are match with each other, and don't just be a Taurus and stick with something for the sake of it!

Also, are you planning on living together before buying a place together? I strongly advise you do.

click to expand

The post you are referring to with the mother was me being mad that his mother wasn't factoring me into the equation.

However between him and I the plan was always for us to buy the home together.

I was upset that he wasn't correcting her on it. This is all water under the bridge now.

We originally were going to buy a house and NOT live together first (why buy the cow if you get the mill for free? Always my motto) however that has changed and we have planned on me moving into his apartment come the new year.

I'm sure there will always be excuses for him to work, despite that though I'm sure I will findy fulfillment when him and I love together. He does put time aside for me but he prefers the leisure of his own home and comforts.

(Libra moon and Taurus sun, very venusian)

I think we can find a proper balance. But only time will tell.

Luckily I do out my foot down and communicate with him on these things, I don't just sweep them under the rug.

We do have good communication and he normally will see my s

I am an absolute workhorse and whoever I am with, it can cause problems after a while if they don’t understand the why behind it all or don’t talk to me about their feelings.

I see you already worked through it though. If you keep in mind the why, then it is way easier to deal with someone like this. I also have to remember that quality time together is super important.

My SO basically just needs to bring it to my attention and I’ll figure out a way to make it work. But if I don’t know it is an issue and I know I need to do certain things for work, then I just do it. UNTIL my family and friends are like I MISS YOU. It’s a bad habit of mine.

Workaholics don’t really see their habits as an issue, until it’s brought up or something big changes in their life unfortunately. If it comes up again, just talk to him.

Oh and friends who care don’t try to make you feel bad about your SO being there, unless you tell them that he is not there for you or you don’t want to be with him. Because then they are just trying to have your back. But if they are bringing it up themselves and he is just working, then what is that? Are they just trying to add more stress to your life? Weird.

Posted by Emilia_Libra

I am an absolute workhorse and whoever I am with, it can cause problems after a while if they don’t understand the why behind it all or don’t talk to me about their feelings.

I see you already worked through it though. If you keep in mind the why, then it is way easier to deal with someone like this. I also have to remember that quality time together is super important.

My SO basically just needs to bring it to my attention and I’ll figure out a way to make it work. But if I don’t know it is an issue and I know I need to do certain things for work, then I just do it. UNTIL my family and friends are like I MISS YOU. It’s a bad habit of mine.

Workaholics don’t really see their habits as an issue, until it’s brought up or something big changes in their life unfortunately. If it comes up again, just talk to him.

Oh and friends who care don’t try to make you feel bad about your SO being there, unless you tell them that he is not there for you or you don’t want to be with him. Because then they are just trying to have your back. But if they are bringing it up themselves and he is just working, then what is that? Are they just trying to add more stress to your life? Weird.

Thank you so much for your advice and perspective. I assume this is how my guy thinks about it in his head as well. I think I figured out that just during these times, proactive communication is very important. If I say "I need attention" "or let's do something" usually he will give it to me.



and yeah my friends just are attached to their boyfriends tips. So they just don't understand. I usually just say Zs working and their response is "again?I" only say wonderful things about him. They're actually probably sick of it LOL

Yes, I think you do need to put your foot down as and when. Perhaps you might need to do that with your fella more often than other people might need to. For me, I tend to be direct more than in direct. I tend not to drop hints or skirt the issue. Maybe you need both ways, I don't know, you know him better!

It sounds like you've got a few things already booked in now so a plan is there which is good. Maybe you need to keep doing this in order to maintain the balance in your relationship. Maybe this is needed forever! Perhaps you need to take the lead more?

I'd definitely recommend living together first prior to buying. That's a crucial stage for any relationship. At least once you're living together you'll have a little more time together. Plus you won't feel the need to rush to buy unless market conditions etc are right. At least you get to see more of his good and bad habits!!

Workaholic.... SAD!

I am a teacher. I have a good salary. It would be very easy to become a workaholic. Like, SO easy! I’d actually enjoy work away from work. I’m also a perfectionist, so sometimes work is never done. But you know what? I have a life and a husband. I acknowledge that first and foremost.

Some people are working stiffs and some HAVE to put in a lot of hours because their business or livelihood depends on such. In most other cases, everything I’ve seen leads me to believe workaholism is a choice motivated by money or a dysfunctional personality; control freak, narcissist, someone needing to avoid home life, money hungry, materialistic. in other words, virgos, Taurus’ and Capricorn’s.

I don’t know how much worse his or both your lives would be if he WASN’T a workaholic. Relationships require compromise. If it all just has to be his way three seasons out of four, you’re probably better off with someone else.

A side, sad story... I knew a great teacher. Her husband was a computer programmer for a major HMO. He’d take work home with him all the time. She was a perfectionist who’d do the same. All the time. Both of them. After eight years of marriage and a child, they went through a painful divorce. All I know is, work isn’t worth dat shit! His workaholism will impact you as long as it exists. As long as you stay.

Good luck.