Break-ups

So I have a question, open for feedback.
Do you think it is possible to be friends with someone you've broken up with, but are still in love with? The reason I ask: I have an ex boyfriend who calls from time to time and when we do talk, it is pretty safe to say that we still have chemistry but when we dated, it just didn't work--we seemed to butt heads all of the time. Now that we don't date anymore, we don't fight, but we have very strong feelings for each other. I think that talking just makes things difficult. He insinuates that he wants to come for a visit, and of course that would be nice, but what is the point?

No you didn't contradict yourself OFA. I think I just need to hear it from other people even though I know what I have to do. Why is it so hard for aquas to cut people off? I feel like I am abandoning this person by cutting off contact. Ugh.
And then there are the days when I miss him...those aren't easy. But he called on my birthday, and sang happy birthday. I was speechless. And so I don't think I can do this while we still love each other.
The whole concept of "moving on" is weird because it's fake if you still love someone else. I don't think it's fair to the new guy either.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG. Okay I feel better.
Well no more contact then. That's the only way I can do this.
See? It doesn't matter how old or young you are, breakups still hurt. Yuk.

The difficult part of cutting off contact for me, is not picking up the phone and answering it when he calls. He has a way of calling at the worst time, like he has radar. Or if I don't answer he will keep calling and say, "I'm not taking no for an answer this time."
I find myself still comparing every guy I meet to him, and that's so unfair. No one has a chance because I am not seeing this new person for who they really are.

I've tried to maintain friendships with a few exes. I'd say, for the most part- it is very difficult. It's hard to separate feelings from the relationship and the post-relationship friendship. You eventually have this "friendly lovers" effect- where you're claiming to be friends with each other, but there's this hidden anxiety to be more or not more lurking when you contact each other. Overall, in my experience, you need time to heal the wounds of the relationship before attempting a friendship.

Aquarianna, I've learned that if you are still "comparing", then the relationship is not completely over.. and it is possible that you still see this person as a potential lover. If he's calling you and not taking, "no" for an answer- it's possible he still has feelings also.

I also have trouble distancing myself people also- and I've found that if you work hard at NOT talking to someone-- then you haven't changed anything- to some degree they are still on your mind. When an ex stays in contact with me, I prefer to just go with the flow... but I don't initiate contact. I've found that when I don't make an effort to spend time with them, they fade away (out of sight AND mind).

Great advice STD. I don't initiate contact with him at all, but I am having the hardest time wanting to be with anyone else since the breakup. And I broke it off but for very good reasons.
He still contacts me whenever he wants to. But I find my head spinning for about a week after I talk to him and that is miserable. But we have tried the no contact thing, and it never happens. The longest we've gone without speaking at all has been about three months, and then it's worse than ever after we talk.

IMHO, I don't think you have a friendship. Sounds like you have feelings for the guy- and he for you... and the two of you are still more than friends. Perhaps you said the words and had the "right" reasons to break up, but you still haven't emotionally made the decision to move on... and so you're hanging on. I think you shouldn't try to date other people because it will only lead to hurting someone else's feelings. Eventually, you'll work through this... and detach from it. It may even include not having a friendship with your ex.

OH NO. Seriously, I don't like the idea of that at all! I literally panic at the thought. Our conversations are so weird because there is so much not being said. The reason we broke up--well, I can't really say online, but it's something that he could change but won't. And so I keep wishing that it would change--and it doesn't. It's not another girl, it's a substance..breaks my heart.

He prefers Penis?

hahahahaha! holy god no. He prefers cocaine.

Well, if there are so many things that are not being said.. SAY'EM! Maybe it's worth it to be honest with each other.

cocaine has become the only party drug lately 😢

used to annoy the hell out of me in spain.. everyone was donig it all night long..
I dont think i will ever try cocaine.. i have tried E.. and have smoked quite a bit of weed when i was over there lol.. but it got boring pritty fast..

i just like my beer and JD now hehe 🙂

i dont get peopel woh are into hard drugs all the time 😢

He is an intense addict, but high functioning. i didn't find out until I had moved for grad. school. He was arrested. So what is not being said in our conversations, has already been said. It's his choice. I understand the mentality of addicts. It is difficult when you love one.

brahn-this is the 09/12 guy I was telling you about the other day. He is not open to being honest, since he can't be honest with himself right now. So I just let him call when he needs to or come to visit when he wants to. But lately, I have been growing unhappy with this situation because it has been on his terms only for 3 years now. If he wanted help, it would be one thing. But he isn't honest about the fact that he needs help.

love does suck! Of all the people in the world to love, I love an addict.

Thank you branh. After reading James Frey's book, I realized that this isn't going to go away any time soon--if ever. He has a difficult road ahead of him. Yes I will be the honest one, and definitely hold onto my values. And dating other people right now is simply out of the question. I cannot until I don't love him any longer.

Hi Aquarianna!

Yep, love can sure take us for one heck of a rollercoaster ride - no doubt! Through it all it is able to offer us a valuable learning experience... we learn more about ourself and this is why we are engaged in certain relationships. Yes, your friend does have a problem and no you cannot fix it - only he can and that is his job - as you have already stated and good for you for knowing this! My question to you is, "what is is about YOU that you are emotionally attached to this type of man?" This is truly what needs to be made aware. So often we look so much at the other person and his situation/problem that we fail to notice ours. Just a thought to ponder....

I know. I have spent alot of time thinking about this...I am aware--very aware.

when we were dating he didn't use-as far as I know. But when I left for school, he was caught and then I found out. It explained a great deal about why we had the weird moments between us. You know? Those moments when i walked away scratching my head in absolute confusion.