dump

Don't think much of myself. I do the things, I don't do the things. If anything I generally just do what I want. If I can do it then I will and there's no stopping me. It could be cleaning car parks, scrubbing the toilet for 10 bucks an hour to the high society of the design industry of cubicles and endless hours of staring at the fucking start menu.

It's been hard to find out what I love, it's been hard to find where I fit in my own grand scheme of things. I find comfort in strangers, awkwardness and my own absence to those that should be close to me. I find traditions to be utterly useless, societal norms to be outrageous but all the while holding some of those beliefs as 'essential' to be part of an upbringing.

Not to sure where this notion came from but I'm pretty convinced that most of us just never grow up. No one seems to have that level of emotional maturity, or I've not met anyone who think exactly the way I do. Either that or, as I've previously thought about, no one really wants to talk about it because it's seriously boring stuff. Everyone wants to be young, go out, get drunk, get fucked and live their life while it's worth living. Funny thing is I've been doing it, at least I think I've been doing it, just not in a very conventional way and ironically I look young physically.

People are strange, strange creatures yet I relate to everyone of them. I've met people who had pride as I do but I'm not sure what to be proud about. I've met people who are aggressive as I am yet they've no one to fight for. I've met people who are selfish, yet I don't take what I don't earn. I've met people who are lazy and complain yet they've never done a thing to change it. People who yearn for love, yet they don't work on it and just expect it. People who talk about passion and look up to the stars, though talented, do nothing about it.

Perhaps I am weird. I don't think I am. I just don't hold that sense of childish sentimentality. I love celebrating Christmas because I see how it brings families together. I want to be part of it, spend time with those I love. I also write cheesy valentine notes not because I give in to consumerism but the belief that in that one day those brave enough will finally say what they want to say for better or worse. I love showing people affection because why lie to your own feelings.

With that in mind I also believe there's a time and place for everything. I've met some people who I've cherished and still cherish to this day. I just don't see the point in keeping contact. We all move on from each other sooner or later. I don't talk about the good times nor the bad times. It's forever locked in my memory where it stays. Not sure if that's a constant reminder of how my brain works to move on from the past but it seems to be the only way it functions. To me every moment has its purpose, memories shouldn't be forced upon nor relived. To always have a brand new outlook and perspective on everything otherwise it doesn't seem like an adventure anymore. Perhaps I'm just that detached from everything.

Colleague once told me I'm some kind of old soul. I always find that sort of things interesting but nothing measurable. if I'm the old soul then everyone else must be dead or in denial. We seem to have forgotten how to really talk to one another or I've just never mastered communication. I love talking about shows we watch and what we see on facebook as much as the next person but I can't do it every day. Neither can I fester in the constant negativity that majority of us seem to love being in. Complain about family, about illness, about work, about friends, about going out, about nothing to do, about being tired, about what ever the fuck. Okay so it's true I suck at small talk. I've just learnt to mimic others in how they talk about it. When I say "yeah I've been at work for a while, slightly tired" that's generally answering a question truthfully and it goes no further than that.

Unless you're really close to me then you probably wouldn't hear much about of the negativity. I can't seem to work out negativity, it's always the thought in process and very few have seen me try and process that (it's not a pretty sight).

Eh. I don't know. I don't seem to know much these days. I guess that's the wonder of things. Keep reminding myself there's a way of life, the way things are meant to be but it seems like more of an excuse than just to accept and move on. A lot of people don't understand why I work a lot, a lot of them also don't realise how much I had to work previously. Yeah there's days where I tire from exhaustion but I'm not dead yet, there's always going to be time for rest. I'm not any younger nor older and there's still time left. I don't believe in resting or retirement. I just want to keep experiencing things, whether old or new, every day in a new perspective. That's interesting to me, even if I never express it.

These days I feel less alone. Gone were the days where the need for belonging kept nagging at me. Not sure if it's acceptance or giving up but I know as long as I have a goal, nothing else seems to matter to me. There's people that I want to look after, there's a company I want to help succeed. There's also a new addition to my own close knit of family that I would travel the world for. That's enough for me. That's really... more than anything I could ever ask for because all of them, especially this one, reminds me that I'm still somewhat human.

That's a nice way of looking at it TIz. I think I've always been one to struggle with routine though. I've also found out lately I'm way to much of a people person. Tend to lose sight of what I really want when that all happens. Starting to think that's not such a bad thing though.

And as for love? Always keeping a look out. Waiting on that one girl that can tolerate me that's for sure.

This is great.

I truly believe that we all have a set path to walk. No ones path will be easy but it's in how we handle the journey that molds our future.

There is no right or wrong way. But I believe there is always a better way and I constantly try to find out what method is best for me without throwing my philosophy down the throat of another.

Life is about experiences after all, that's swhy we all must walk our own path.


I enjoyed reading this. Keep on keeping on 🙂

You have a beautiful mind..would love to crawl inside of it more