Cancer male and the dreaded "C" word.. commitment. Any advice from Cancer males would be appreciated

Hi guys & girls 🙂

I'm gona do my best to make a long story short!

Met a cancer guy 3 months back. Things have been really good. I let him know from the get go that I wasn't up for a casual relationship. He was cool with that and we agreed we'd see where this thing took us..

I've met his friends (They all stay together) but he hasn't really integrated me into his life re doing things with his friends.. Neither have I though so when we hang out it's always just the two of us, unless we're at his place or mine where his friends or my sister will be there.

We had a little bit of a back and forth about him not making me a part of his life after he asked me if I wanted to go get supper later on a Sunday and the next message was something along the lines of "well we can keep each other posted whether something comes up or not" to which I replied "I'm not a back up plan" and then he said "I don't consider you to be one ever" anyway I was pretty pissed and didn't really respond. He apologised profusely and the next day told me he felt really bad and it wasn't intended to come across the way it did. I responded with "I'm not gona nag and dwell on it, however you should decide whether or not you want to integrate me into your life or not and stop treating me as if I'm someone you see when you have nothing better to do" His reply - "That makes perfect sense, I need this. I think I've been out of the dating game for so long I actually have no idea how to do it. My previous relationship my ex didn't like my friends, so this is new for me babe.. We should speak about this though." Me- "it isn't fair that you'd put me in that box befgore even trying though, but yeah we can talk about it in person" him - "My past experience has influenced how I do things now.. I don't think I've put you in a box because you are completely different, you are so chilled and sure of yourself and what you want and I like that, and I like that you can chill and talk to my friends"

A few nights ago we were out and the "talk" came up...

He said he wasn't ready to commit and he couldn't give me what I wanted.. Bearing in mind this was about 5 days after the text conversation.

We spent the night and the whole of the next day together, and when it was time to say goodbye we spoke about it again, basically he said he sees potential in us and doesn't want me not to be a part of his life, and he enjoys my company and really does care for me and thinks I'm amazing etc and thinks we should still see each other and do us, and that he can't predict the future, doesn't want to rush bla bla (i don't wana rush into anything either, it's still early days) I didn't give him an answer as to what I wanted to do because as much as I know what my heart wants, my head tells me to run!

Now as much as I don't want to stop seeing him because I really do enjoy spending time with him, I just wonder if he will ever be ready, or if it's stupid of me to stick around. Am I breaking my own heart??

A man who wants to cuff you will cuff you! If he truly considered you as gf material he would have communicated so and would have make sure that u arent "free" for someone else.

I'd say give him time to crawl back into his shell and think about it. But don't make as much time for him anymore as you used to. He needs to feel the consequences of him backing off. Doesnt mean you have to get bitchy, just treat him like he's not a priority any longer since u made it very clear that u arent in for fwb or anything like that.

Trust me, that whole "I'm not ready for committment" applies to ALL men regardlesd which sign - means "I'm not ready for committment - with you" especially if u already seen eschother over a periode of time.

Posted by AquaNextDoor
Trust me, that whole "I'm not ready for committment" applies to ALL men regardlesd which sign - means "I'm not ready for committment - with you" especially if u already seen eschother over a periode of time.

This is right in most cases, unless the guy is going through some crisis or is depressed.

The guy in the OP doesn't sound like he is going through anything, so he probably just wants to keep playing the field...

Ugh it's sooo frustrating.. we have spoken about kids & marriage etc and he's told me how much of a good woman I am and that I'd be such a great mother.. He makes consistent effort to speak to me basically non stop every day and initiates 90% of all texts, calls & outings... and now this..

I was pretty shocked at him claiming to not be ready because it's just soooo far out from the way he treats me.

I'm not sure if he felt pressured with the conversation coming up, I didn't intend for the things I said to be forceful or whatever, and I'm pretty sure I was quite calm about it :x

I just don't know.

This all happened yesterday and Saturday and this morning I still had texts waiting for me on my way to work from him saying good morning & have a good day etc

ANNOYING

Posted by Poppyseeds

Posted by AquaNextDoor
Trust me, that whole "I'm not ready for committment" applies to ALL men regardlesd which sign - means "I'm not ready for committment - with you" especially if u already seen eschother over a periode of time.

This is right in most cases, unless the guy is going through some crisis or is depressed.



The guy in the OP doesn't sound like he is going through anything, so he probably just wants to keep playing the field...

click to expand

Yeh true!

I can understand how frustrating this feels... Been there too..

Posted by 160991
Ugh it's sooo frustrating.. we have spoken about kids & marriage etc and he's told me how much of a good woman I am and that I'd be such a great mother.. He makes consistent effort to speak to me basically non stop every day and initiates 90% of all texts, calls & outings... and now this..

I was pretty shocked at him claiming to not be ready because it's just soooo far out from the way he treats me.

I'm not sure if he felt pressured with the conversation coming up, I didn't intend for the things I said to be forceful or whatever, and I'm pretty sure I was quite calm about it :x

I just don't know.

This all happened yesterday and Saturday and this morning I still had texts waiting for me on my way to work from him saying good morning & have a good day etc

ANNOYING

It's the mix signal that had you confused, if a guy's words match with his actions there wouldn't be any confusion.

He might not be leading you on deliberately, however words has no power it's all talk. He might fancy the idea of having a future with you. Reality is he can't handle the real deal of having a relationship, then he back off with his actions as he probably realized his words might have led you on.

You did the right thing by having a conversation with him. You know where you stand. I'm not saying you have to cut him off, but you shouldn't treat him as a priority when he is / can not treat you as one.

Thanks Aqua and Poppy! I appreciate this so much. Really struggling to gather my thoughts on this.. Going baaack and forth in my head about where to go from here.

Now it's just a matter of trying not to prioritize him and not show how much I care which is the toughest thing in the world for me. Bleeehhhh and some other grunting/annoyed sounds (for lack of an actual word) Lol

OP:

1. What kind of commitment are you looking for after 3 months of dating? You say you don't want to rush.

2. Who initiated 'the talk"? Was it you?

3. I'm not completely clear on his reasons for not being ready to commit. Could you repeat those specifically?

Posted by CancerOnTheCusp
OP:

1. What kind of commitment are you looking for after 3 months of dating? You say you don't want to rush.

2. Who initiated 'the talk"? Was it you?

3. I'm not completely clear on his reasons for not being ready to commit. Could you repeat those specifically?

Hello 🙂

Question 1 & 2 can kind of be answered together. I initiated the conversation by asking if he was seeing and/or sleeping with anyone else. The rest of it all came up after he said that he thinks it's a good thing that we carry on speaking about it. My main goal was to establish whether we were doing this exclusively as I don't believe in having multiple sexual partners at once. So for the moment, that's all I'm looking for. Of course I would like to see this progress in the months to come though.

3. There weren't really any reasons given.. "I have yet to witness a happy relationship" "I don't want to get hurt" Come to think of it, I don't remember any actual reasons.. these things don't count to me because then what are you actually doing pursuing me, or anybody else for that matter.. You know?

I limited conversation yesterday and was slightly offish without being rude.. just withdrawn a little..

He texted to say goodnight and to sleep well, the usual.

He texted this morning asking about my day etc, we're chatted back and forth and I can't help but want to scream :/

Whaaaaattttt do you waaaaannnntttt from meeeeeeee— Ugh

I really don't want to get annoyed to the point where I say something rude or actually flat out ask him what he's trying to do..

Any insight here into this complicated mind would help me out so much.. I'd be forever in your guys' favour...

It's only been three months??...perhaps have the talk after six months and see where it goes. Don't act so quick and destroy the potential for what could be a long lasting relationship.

Or perhaps if he's not ready to commit, ask him if it's okay if you date other people in the mean time?

I agree with Pisces

Its been 3 months only

Saying something like "i dont want commitment i dont wanna get hurt" - not good signal

Still...

I would say spend some more with him...Avoid this commitment topic for some time...

Crab people are the loyal types...i know i shouldnt generalise

You know him more than anyone else...Do you really think he is playing you or keeping you as back up or anything? Give it a thought

Posted by 160991
I limited conversation yesterday and was slightly offish without being rude.. just withdrawn a little..

He texted to say goodnight and to sleep well, the usual.

He texted this morning asking about my day etc, we're chatted back and forth and I can't help but want to scream :/

Whaaaaattttt do you waaaaannnntttt from meeeeeeee— Ugh

I really don't want to get annoyed to the point where I say something rude or actually flat out ask him what he's trying to do..

Any insight here into this complicated mind would help me out so much.. I'd be forever in your guys' favour...

If this is annoying you like crazy...you can just tell him how you feel...you are texting him back and forth but in your mind you are soooo annoyed...and he doesnt even know

Still i'd say give it time

Take emotion out of the equation. Treat him with logic.

Dating is a risk. I agree with asking again after 6 mths.

Maybe pick up a hobby and date your hobby and him.

Get the book "He's Just Not That Into You " by Behrendt & Tuccillo.

If a man wants you to be exclusively his, he will put a hold down on you. Simple as that. Excuses are just excuses. He likes you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by being brutally honest with you. He'll take what you have to offer but does not satisfy what you need....hence the conversation being repeated, your hurt aggravated feelings and needs not being met, and his excuses.

Back off from him. Let him be the pursuer. Let him earn you. If he doesn't step up and meet your needs then you need to move on for your sake. Also, it's only been three months...slow down, chill, let things unfold naturally, but keep your eyes wide open.

Soooo I messed this one up completely.. whoops. sigh