cancer's and shutting down

When I shut down I shut down..I will not saying anything to you not even a hello..I know its bad but its like I can't change it..when your hurt me its like I am done.

I have any of you guys done this? How did you guys change this?

Can I ask? What was it that hurt you?

It could be just about anything that I feel hurt me..

Yes . It's usually accompanied with a intimidating death look

Your so right I hate I do it but I don't know how to stop..I hate that I know it hurts the other person deeply.. I feel like it is childish but I still do it.

I totally do the same thing when I feel hurt or rejected by someone. Even if I wanted to speak up, it's like the words just don't come out. I've always wondered about this and I've learned that it's a mechanism for me to just move on from people that I felt have wronged me in some way.

Given enough time however, I will slowly start communicating with these people but certainly keep my distance.

I guess its hard to talk..before I shut down I would have tried and tried and tried to talk to you letting you know something is botheribg me. After awhile I get fed up and then I shut down and become mean. I want to be a better person and I am looking for different ways to handle this.

With people trying to get through to cancers the best way to get through is to just blatantly tell the hurt or silent cancer how you feel about them and how they've hurt you and why you don't like it when they get silent on you. They will talk then. They just are more patient than anyone and will wait until the perfect time strikes to say what's on their heart but it's sad because their perfect time is really when you continue to initiate and put yourself out there far enough to get badly rejected. This makes them comfortable enough to also gamble with the same amount of force or consistency or potential for rejection so if they do get rejected the blow won't be as bad to the ego. It's actually a defense mechanism.

For cancers wanting to stop going silent on others you have to stop making shit up in your head and thinking of the worst possible scenarios between you and your lover and get used to being vulnerable around a person and allow yourself to be touched back. Cancers love to love people and shower them with love but then get awkward when the same amount of love is returned. It's ok to be loved and adored by another person. And you need to ready to get rejected and learn how to get over it so someone's small mistakes aren't blown out of proportion and turned into huge problems. Learn to speak up for yourself and let someone know when they've hurt you and tell them how they can fix it or prevent it from happening in the future or let them know what makes you tick

Maybe she was put in a vulnerable state too. Maybe she was hurt. Hurt cancers are really difficult to understand in the beginning but if you learn to communicate in the right way or pay attention to the person it's pretty easy.

Yeah it works that way. Being hurt is a serious thing especially if the way you hurt her related to some other serious hurt from her past. So look at it like that instead of focusing in your own feelings. Sometimes childhood hurt can change a persons entire attitude and path of life in adulthood. That's how powerful hurt is, even what another person who didn't have the experience of the hurt would consider not that serious to be so hurt over. Consider that. Plus that an the fact that she's a cancer is even more powerful. Like for my cancer friend...because of her past hurts she doesn't really let a lot if people in her inner circle. She has LOADS of associates and friends but she doesn't get as deep as she does with people in her inner inner circle like really close friends and family. She shows them a deeper more vulnerable side of her. This is a defense mechanism. So when she decides that someone that she has given a lot of thought about their heart and if trusting them with her heart and her pure emotions is a good idea and she lets them in, opening up like that and allowing herself to be vulnerable and maybe even revisit past old hurts when common feelings from that arise and still moving past that to still being open...then having that someone hurt her feelings deeply by some betrayal of her or something that'll hurt deep is serious serious serious to a cancer. At least that's what I've learned. Especially if you hold a very close role in her life or have the potential to relate to a past hurt in some way, like the father of her child or potential father of her child (other words she will think of the hurt her father put on her and how she will now expose her child to the same hurt or if she has no kids how she refuses to build something with a man that could potentially hurt her future child in the same way her father hurt her....if she has been hurt from her father in her childhood. This is just an example. Cancers don't forget things and have impeccable memories. Lots if stuff other people can just let go they have hard times with. So just keep that in mind. She probably doesn't feel safe with you anymore or secure with you. Even if she wanted you more than anything she will still find it hard to even speak to you about that or even be nice to you. It's really weird how they work. It's like watching a drama from the old days with no dialogue but only music and that's in black and white. You have to try to find more info about her past hurts and rei

You have to try to find more info about her past hurts and reinforce the idea that you won't hurt her like that anymore and you know clearly what you did wrong and you will never do it again and will work to really mend your relationship. This takes a lot of time and work. It's like you have to go above and beyond. I had the same type of experience with my cancer friend. What I did to her in the past was bad but I didn't know just how bad it affected her until she finally let me in in some sad secrets and things that happened to her in childhood that triggered such a bad reaction to what I did. And when I found that out is when I could honestly know why she reacted the way she did and why my ways of trying to get her back were no where near working.

Reading this forum shows me a lot about people because people are more honest than they are IRL. And it's scary. I know I used to be a fucked up person but just reading things from people who've been hurt or lied to or from sleezy people who are consciously knowingly hurting or lying to another person for their selfish gain or because they are so broken of a person and who really don't give a shit about who they hurt or what damage they'll do to the person really makes me think. Humans are really harsh to one another. Anyway I got off topic but maybe you can give her space and try later or something.

Not directing this to you but I see a lot of backwards shit on here. People always asking questions about if he or she will come back or why they're giving someone the silent treatment and that the other person is wrong for that. Then I keep reading to find out that this very same person is emotionally invested in like 5 other people, fucking around with 3 of those people, lying about serious shit you just don't go lying about to people they claim they love, say mean shit to those they love or ignore them or give them the silent treatment just as much as they complain about. The shits backwards. Would you be open and friendly to such a person— HELL NO! And with a lot of these stories I read, I'm like you IDIOT the person is giving you the cold shoulder because they're obviously aware of your shitty ways and they're so hip to the game and don't want to be taken for a fool. Then to hear these people say they love the person or the person is such a wonderful part if their life etc etc I just look in amazement. I'm baffled. Same applies to the desperate ones who can't take a hint. Shits a dog eat dog world out there. That's why I'm so focused on my cancer friend because there is no better genuineness out there.

They need someone that will be true to them since the beginning of the relationship because if you hurt them enough they may not come back from that. But it depends. I've seen her come back from many many hells again and again but it just takes her more time to do it. Plus she lives a very ambitious life so if you seem to be wasting her time she doesn't give you any time and keeps it moving. Sometimes people have better things to do or other people that are available and open to love and don't play games or it isn't so hard to be together with. From the research I've been doing I see that cancers are highly favored and attract mates (from the opposite and same sex even) like bees to honey. That's how my cancer friend is. So sometimes when she tells me she's not paying other aqua dude any mind she goes and let her other suitors court her and talk to her, she's not hurt she just chose to occupy her time with people who are more open. That's another thing. I had to learn how to be open to her and then she started getting real open with me in the beginning. She used to give me the reserved, respectful self but when I started to think to open up more she did too and I got to see her wild childish (not immature, but very childlike) side then when I opened up more she did too and I got to see her loving, deeply loving poetic like side then when I opened up more she did too then I really got her to open up. She showed me what it looks like when she's in her shell crying or laughing hysterically to herself or pigging out on candy or dancing like no ones watching or talking to herself (like theatrical monologues and shit) or when playing in makeup and clothes or being EXTRA silly like a drunk college freshman (just without the drinking). It's amazing how deep she can get. And it even gets much much much deeper than this. I should put up some of her writing.

Interested in me as a friend. She currently won't go there with me. 😢 but from her secrets she lets me in on I know that she treats people she loves and cares about more harshly than other people. It's very strange it's hard to understand it. But what causes her to openly love (I guess) the other person always starts with them making a bold initiation first

I will give you a long rope but if you betray me enough be selfish lie or act shady I'm done and when I'm done I'm done you don't exist in my world I might be nice but I have completely shut you out inside I can fake it well

If you hurt a wound from my past or childhood I will never forgive you I will try but it won't work

I can't be with non emotional or closed off people who aren't able to have empathy in fact I pity you

If you are prepared to talk and hear about my past hurts and why I feel the way I do then I will have your back forever

If you can't open up and have issues with vulnerability or intimacy I know there is no friendship or relationship possible not into drawing blood from a stone

I am looking for a relationship that is like that Coldplay song fix you I will be strong 95% of the time but the person who can be the 5% Coldplay will have my heart forever

I know I might get a little manipulative emotionally sometimes it's rare but if you hurt me that's the cause and effect and if you hit hard with words I will hit back and say something I will regret highly later and make a terrible scene trying to apologise as I know I said something too personal to a romantic partner but you have to really hurt me to get there .. At that point the chances of reconciliation are slim but I will give it my best shot if I care about you and regret every waking minute of what I said .. Stupid thing is I shouid walk away and never have forgiven you in the first place and be done and held my head high but if u care about you I don't want to lose you because in the end that's more painful ..we are complex

Posted by soundsunscene

If you hurt a wound from my past or childhood I will never forgive you I will try but it won't work

This in my opinion a little bit unfear one, because cancers are very very private even with people they trust they don't trust fully, and that's ok, people share what they want to share... but what if that someone hurt a wound from the past and s/he didn't even know!! is not fear... is like walking on a land full of mines, because we all have wounds from past hurts.

Posted by soundsunscene


I know I might get a little manipulative emotionally sometimes it's rare but if you hurt me that's the cause and effect and if you hit hard with words I will hit back and say something I will regret highly later and make a terrible scene trying to apologise as I know I said something too personal to a romantic partner but you have to really hurt me to get there ..

click to expand

Lets keep this to everybody, not only romantic partners... friendships are also hard to have relationships

Well I took what you guys said and stop the silent treatment I don't want to hurt the one I said k care about..I had a talk ..admit my wrong and bow things are better.

GOOD LUCK!!! everything is going to be fine!!! 😉

I took.your advice lol...

Posted by Trey1982
I took.your advice lol...

I'm glad!! you took a huge step.

Fullwater, do cancers really feel this way? My friend could not talk to someone for months and still keep the same loyalty to she had to them since they parted ways. I don't think she would ever fake her feelings or just forget about the people she says she cares about. My girl act likes this...once you're in my heart you're in their forever and not much will change that. You think so?

Posted by StarChild63
Fullwater, do cancers really feel this way?

You mean about her being a sociopath? of course not, and I hope not, but like I say some days out of resentment trying to find and explanation about this behavior either she never truly care about me or she was one, in my brain there is no logical explanation...

Time, time, time, time, how long a cancer think people can wait for them?

Posted by pillpushaT
I totally do the same thing when I feel hurt or rejected by someone. Even if I wanted to speak up, it's like the words just don't come out. I've always wondered about this and I've learned that it's a mechanism for me to just move on from people that I felt have wronged me in some way.

Yup. Me too.