Should I Make the Change?

Some time has gone by and after talking with a couple folks and thinking about it, its arisen that I myself have been sending mixed messages, mainly due to the fact that I dont show my emotions. My sister said I was just "mean" and my more eloquent friends said I'm "detached" and "unemotional". My sister thinks I should just let my emotions flow, when I feel it let it show, no matter how absurd I imagine it might look, sound or feel. My friends think that I'm fine as the Ice Queen and I shouldn't change "for him", but part of the truth is that I realize my emotional detachment is the result of a defense mechanism I put up a looong looong time ago. Maybe it is really baggage that I need to shed. As a woman its kind of awkward for me to have a problem showing my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I can talk about them and write about them, define them and explain them, I just cant readily show them. Like if I want him to stay but I know he has to go, I just think "oh well, no sense causing a scene, just tell him Bye and let him go" or when he comes over and I KNOW I've missed him, I'm not like all gleefully hugging and whatnot, I just give him a hug and say "Hay! I've missed you" then back up like 5 steps. I consider showing my emotions and some times I start, but I imagine I'll look silly or overdo it and look like someone on a soap opera. But anyway getting down to the point, do you think I should change "for him"? A lot of my friends really said I'm cool how I am and I shouldn't change. I'd be willing to change because I imagine the long term, what if one of my kids is the type that wants to say "Mommy loves me because when she sees me she hugs me and squeezes me tight" or "I felt SO good when I scored last night when I looked into the crowd and my mother was the loudest oen cheering". Would it be untrue to myself to change?

I think it would be untrue to yourself but you know how you feel about my opinion. I don't express my emotions much and I have had great response out of my Cancer male. He expresses himself alot more to me but you have to TELL him to express his feelings to you because you are not aware of what you are doing wrong. He will in due time.

...I am aware of what Im doing wrong. Im talking about it more than Im being about it and to him that equates to a kind of insincerity...and how can someone who says they dont express their emotions ask someone else to express theirs? That's part of the point I'm making, I KNOW he wont express his emotions until/unless I express mine because he'll think I dont have any emotions toward him, he has already admitted this. What do you think the advantages of not changing are?

SF - I don't think you should change who you are for another person. I think if you have qualities or ways that you yourself do not like or are a hindrance to the progression in your relationships that you should try to change to make you an overall better person.

and how can someone who says they dont express their emotions ask someone else to express theirs?

Simply because you are constantly trying to reassure him that you want to be here for him physically, emotionally or whatever the reason may be and he is constantly distancing himself. Simply in my opinion because he is very cautious and aware that he can have you if he wants you so there is not interest because he may or may not feel like you are making HIM put in the work to get you. You are putting in the work. If you just step back and evaluate the situation and ask yourself do you REALLY deserve spending your time, effort or energy on a man who is showing disinterest.

I don't know about you but that is just to much work for me to sit up constantly trying to prove to ANY man to choose me. Back to the point of your question, I am not going to waste my time, energy or effort on a man who constantly wants me to reassure him with his distance and withdrawals. You are not doing ANYTHING wrong and you know you are not. He is the one distancing himself, so if you just act disinterested yourself and when he confronts you about it(like you said he does) why don't you just tell him that you are not going to waste your time, effort or energy on his behavior characteristics? I am not trying to tell YOU what to do but it has worked for me. I am NOT wasting my time on a man who is not just as interested in me as I am in him.

He will eventually miss the time, space and effort that you did put into him and start asking you why did you just stop? In my own personal opinion you are allowing yourself to deal with BS that you don't deserve. You know you don't deserve it so why deal with it? Go ahead do you quit worrying and he will come back around. HE is emotionally unavailable right now and you should NOT accept a man being unavailable to you. I would not say it is acceptable for me and if you want him to become more open, quit caring about constantly reassuring him. You are beating a dead horse. The more you push, the more he is going to pull away. That is why I say tell him to tell YOU what you are doing wrong because to ME you are doing everything right and he doesn't appreciate your time or effort if he is going to behave like this being distant.

Give him time to come back to you, in the process move on you could enjoy some very rewarding relationships that will please YOU will he is acting not interested. I don't know, I have had success with this attitu

attitude has worked for me and you all can call me a Cancer basher as long as you want.

Yes Syz....exactly where my moon is.

Well, krobe he isnt acting disinterested, he's acting skeptical. And I already said I understand completely why he's skeptical as do the people that are around me, people that know me, people that are skeptical also of my emotional attachment to things and people around me. My family and friends.

Krobe he doesnt understand that I really want him. He doesn't feel like he doesn't have to work to get me, he feels like I DONT want him. And that's from his mouth. That's what Im trying to SAY!!! I feel like Im letting him know I want him, with words. And he's saying "all I see is words, it'll work for a publishing company but Im a man and I need to see that you want me". For months I thought he knew I wanted him, I swore I was being blatant, I JUST KNEW I was causing waves in his pond...he looked me in the eyes and said "I DIDNT know you wanted ME, I thought you were talking about someone else." The poems he thought were just poems because I didnt act like what I wrote applied to him. In his mind, someone as adored as those poems indicated would have been showered with love and affection and I wasnt doing that so it had to be someone else.

He thinks Im a user, that I'm going to use him for my own pleasure. And his rational for this thinking is that I dont have any investment in him...and how did he reach that conclusion..because I can be VERY cold and detached. Is he wrong...no, I CAN be very cold and detached. It's a defense mechanism I KNOW I employ. It's this face I wear of "Im not going to let him see me upset" when I know damn well Im upset. And all he sees is "she doesn't even care". Of course I do, but if I want him to see that I have to show him.

And I'm not saying that he doesnt need to be more open to other forms of expression or that he doesnt need to really evaluate what Im giving him on the basis of what it means to me. For example if someone who loves teddy bears gives you a teddy bear, but you dont like teddy bears so you think its a dumb gift, but to them they just gave you their word. But it's a gift to them so you should give them what means the world to them. I love teddy bears (words) but he loves ties(active emotions)...Im not good at giving ties so all I've given is teddy bears. He has a bunch of teddy bears that only mean the world to me...but still very few ties.He could say "well I know teddy bears mean a lot to her, I'll accept them" or he can say "gimmie ties", I could find someone who wants teddy bears...or I can give this

A long time ago he told me(about 3 months ago). I suppose he expected me to act differently when he did tell me. I acted real cool and calm, poker faced. He has a Leo moon, I suppose I was supposed to act like an adoring fan then...but I didnt.

Yes you should change. You're not changing for him persay you're changing for you and in the process it'll help your relationship. You know you are unavailable emotionally so you are attracting unavailable emotionally vibes from him. There were alot of things I changed due in part to my relationship but it was changes I needed to make for me to be a better person not so much as to get my man. People come in your life as teachers and he's teaching you that until you can comfront your emotions and be able to express them you're not going to get that emotional responce you want. Not just from him but from anyone.

This is not a change you're making because of him, its a reality you are seeing by your relationship with him. Everyone has things they need to work on and improve within themselves. If you don't have the strength and the courage to want to change and become better its not going to happen, and you will continue to attrack people that are incomplete(not whole) because you're not. Two whole people come together and produce a relationship, its not my half and your half. It won't be easy. Most don't bother trying to change thats why people are sent in your life to encourage it, but its up to you to do something about it. Life will present challenges and at that time you don't understand why and whats going on but when its over and you look back on it, you appreaciate because you became a better person because of it.

Dam CancerLady you are on it.

He thinks Im a user, that I'm going to use him for my own pleasure. And his rational for this thinking is that I dont have any investment in him...and how did he reach that conclusion..because I can be VERY cold and detached. Is he wrong...no, I CAN be very cold and detached. It's a defense mechanism I KNOW I employ. It's this face I wear of "Im not going to let him see me upset" when I know damn well Im upset. And all he sees is "she doesn't even care". Of course I do, but if I want him to see that I have to show him.

Well yeah, you are going to have to invest in him. I am willing to guarantee that. LOL! You are going to have to show in with your actions. I have been through this tough road with my Cancer friend. I don't show him too many emotions when I am upset, I just talk to him and ask him is he trying to make me upset. If he makes me REALLY upset, I show it and then he comes running really quick so yeah, you will need to show some emotions but not crying and whining. Just let him know that you are a STRONG woman, however, you do need to let him know that you NEED him or he will not feel wanted.

HE WANTS YOU TO TELL HIM! That is the problem I WAS having. I don't like to assume, so until HE told me he wanted us to be together, I just took it as we were just kicking it and spending time together. I just didn't assume we were a couple. Then he told me the other day that he thought because we were spending time together, and seeing each other he assumed we were together. I told him that I don't assume anything, I want him to TELL me we are together or he will not get my time or attention. YOU have to TELL him or ask him to express his feelings to you. He will if you TELL him, you need him to tell you what he wants from you.

I'm very unbalanced in a lot of ways - but that is one way in which I am balanced - I am a very emotional person but I only let pout my emotions when I want to. If I want someone to know I'm upset they will [although the WAY I show it I'm not so good at control - only the when] and if I don't want them to know they never will.
Your friends who say you're cool the way you are as the "ice queen" probably say that because to them you are a "rock" for THEM to draw strength from.
But with D you have to be more emotionally available if you want to keep him. It's not about changing yourself really because we aren't talking about emotions you don't feel or things you don't want to do - you're talking about stopping yourself from doing those things because you're scared - and that is something completely different.

Give him one more teddy bear - tell him that you know you're detached and it's a protective thing [he should understand THAT] and that when you see him you want to hug him and squeeze him and show him how much you've missed him but your scared to [he'll definately understand that] BUT you're going to work on it - and then you have to start showering him with ties.

wooow Goddess, that was a reaaally good post. I like that second paragraph, give him one more teddy bear then shower him with ties. Great advice in my opinion.

oh yay - I did something right :0)

lovies for everyone !!

can I officaially change my name to godess??

oficially

dmmit....spelled it wrong again.....never mind....

yay lovies

moon's not here to enjoy them too :0(

You've always been Goddess to me, even when you cant spell it. *tossing more lovies* Im sure she'll enjoy them when she replies to this post 3 months from now. lol I love how she does that.

yay me!!

You're talking about the horoscope I sent you?? I thought it would be helpful thats why I sent it to you.

oh I'm getting confused now......

not sure all of that sounds like good news for me - I'm not exactly "someone new"

yall can be cold at t imes... but hey everyone has their moods but just show some affection dont pull back. And do u wanna transforrrrrrmmm,eeee rrr uurr arrrr. Decepticons or autobots.U are more than meets the eye..MMM mmm hmmm. Go dancingggg. EVVEEEERRRYBOODAAYY,rockkkk ur boddaaay aye .VErrryobbooddayyy rockkk ur boddaaay. Dancing never done doh stop follow blackknoxx and do de frogback. AHHH rigghhttt.

I take you've just seen transformers....

lmaooo Hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy BK. Im with the good guys Baby!

I don't remember who the good guys are... I think it's the autobots..... haven't seen it since I was a kid

Yeah its the Autobots, you know I have to be an autobot if Optimus Prime is a Cancer *smiles*

oh well in that case I'm definately an autobot!

why am i not seeing my pic when i post a comment.

Its there.

More lovies everyone!!!!!

okay now i see it.lol Well i know imma autobot and i think this the first time that both the bad and good guys look cool.

oooooh BK....nice piiiic lol. Yeah my friend was all hype talkin about the Decepticons are better.

lol - I

lol - I only know what the cartoons look like!

that first post was an accident.... I don't even know HOW I do that.....

You should see the movie Goddess, its REALLY good.

well I might have to when it comes out on DVD - I go to the movies a lot but if there's something I'm not sure about I just wait for it to come out because we have these stores here [I'm pretty sure they're only in cali] called rasputin where people sell their cds dvds etc to the store and you can buy them cheap - most of the time people sell stuff they either got as a gift and didn't want or watched once... so you get brand new dvds really cheap - it's great!

Its already out on DVD, go see if they dont have a copy at Rasputin

oh I didn't know it came out - I don't really watch tv. I'll have to check - there are a couple movies I want to look for