Cap with low libido.....doesn't want to talk about it.....

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enfant_terrible
@enfant_terrible
17 Years10,000+ PostsLeo

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Or maybe he just doesn't have a very high libido, there doesn't actuallyy have to be anything wrong, nor is there some undiscovered magic trigger button there. I mean must everyone be over-sexed, or else something is wrong?

Turning yourself into "the cold one" to "protect" yourself isn't helping, it's only making matters worse. I mean what are YOU protecting yourself against?

Guys are expected to be mindless oversexed freaks or else there's something wrong.. so he's really the one in a vulnerable position here. You just don't have matching libidos, is all.
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HappyCapper
@HappyCapper
10 Years5,000+ Posts

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Is this the same cap guy we've heard about before? If it is, I seem to remember that there weren't such problems before. I also seem to remember other things about your relationship and if it is him, I would probably talk to him(casually at first) - not specifically about this, but ask him if there's something on his mind, if there's something at work or whatever, and work from there.

In your relationship, communication is key, imo. I mean, hasn't it always been like this? He pulls away(in one way or the other) and you feel bad. You have got to try to lure him out somewhat(not talking specifically about sex). Maybe he just has a lower libido; we don't know. But we do know that you feel bad, so you need to get an understanding of this...by communicating with him. But in his case, I would start very subtly, luring him out, rather than to go full force. Again, imo.
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Skitty
@Skitty
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A low libido is common. more- so as you get older.

What he needs to do is take responsibility for himself and go to a doctor, as it could be a sign of something more serious.

I would be really pissed off if it got to the point where we had to have a "talk" about it, as it shows he clearly doesn't value himself.

I'm not sure how close you guys are- but i make doctor/dentist appts for myself and my boyfriend. So if it were me, i would call our doctor, tell him what the situation was and then send him over.
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

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Posted by HappyCapper
Is this the same cap guy we've heard about before? If it is, I seem to remember that there weren't such problems before. I also seem to remember other things about your relationship and if it is him, I would probably talk to him(casually at first) - not specifically about this, but ask him if there's something on his mind, if there's something at work or whatever, and work from there.

In your relationship, communication is key, imo. I mean, hasn't it always been like this? He pulls away(in one way or the other) and you feel bad. You have got to try to lure him out somewhat(not talking specifically about sex). Maybe he just has a lower libido; we don't know. But we do know that you feel bad, so you need to get an understanding of this...by communicating with him. But in his case, I would start very subtly, luring him out, rather than to go full force. Again, imo.
Thx everyone for your responses.

HappyCapper, yes it's the same one. At first there was a lot of sex lol. But every month or so it happened less and less. He told me in the beginning that sex was't something he really needed but again " there was a lot of sex". So i didn't pay attention to what he was saying. When we first lived together and had sex he didn't make love to me " with his whole soul". Don't know how to say it in english but when i make love it is with my whole being. And again month after month it became less and less, sometimes it was i who had to ask " when are we....?". Don't like that at all. Then the sex stopped and he told me he had problems, couldn't get a ....and didn't feld the urge to have sex. He went to his docter and he gave him some pills ( sort of viagra) but he never took them. The docter told him that the problem maybe caused by a phycological issue or by a fysical one. The fysical one could be that he was overweight. He than made a apointement for a gastric bypass. He needed one for sleepapnoe, overweight and problems with knees, schoulders etc. He got the bypass 1,5 month ago and lost 18 kilos so far. But when i asked ( on twoo conversations) how about the urge to have sex, his responds was " don't know" " i haven't concertrated myself to it"
Concentrated—?? i said, it comes by itself....
So everytime i begin to talk about the sex , it looks like he doesn't find that important....

On the otherhand, he tells me daily, multiple times that he loves me....and you know, caps don't tell that often...

Sex isn't the important thing of a relationship but it is neccesary.
For me, it's my way of showing that i love somebody. He has other ways of showing that i know.

I don't want to look as if i'm a sexmaniak or the shalow one. But i find it important to talk to somebody about it. He told me ones " why talk about it, It will not change anything to the problem"

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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
Posted by Skitty
A low libido is common. more- so as you get older.

What he needs to do is take responsibility for himself and go to a doctor, as it could be a sign of something more serious.

I would be really pissed off if it got to the point where we had to have a "talk" about it, as it shows he clearly doesn't value himself.

I'm not sure how close you guys are- but i make doctor/dentist appts for myself and my boyfriend. So if it were me, i would call our doctor, tell him what the situation was and then send him over.
I know that under his " big mouth" there is a little boy with low self esteem. With issues in the past . He lived with a women for 10 years. She constantly cheated on him for years and he did know it. The last four years they lived together , they didn't had sex for 4 years.....

He told me some months ago " i know i will lose you if this goes on"
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

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Posted by truecap
There are some medical conditions and/or medications that can cause a low libido. Depression, diabetes, low testosterone - just to name a couple.
Thanks Truecap. as i mentioned in another message here. Yes there are. And he is " damaged goods". He had multiple relationships who ended dued to infidellity of the women, them taking advantage of him etc. So i think alot is still going on in his mind...
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HappyCapper
@HappyCapper
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@Lindaaaatje
After a bypass 1,5 months ago and 18kg, my first reaction would be not to pressure the issue just yet - there are a lot of things going on inside his body and mind at the moment. Is he eating healthy and excercising regularly? I think that would make a huge difference.

He has a lot to sort through with himself, both psychologically and physically, and tbh, I would give him time and support him in that, but it's going to be difficult for you to do that if he doesn't open up and keeps trivializing your concerns. Could a psychologist help? I mean, he seems to be aware that he has problems, so maybe the jump wouldn't be very far.

When you say "When we first lived together and had sex he didn't make love to me " with his whole soul," do you mean that he has started doing it, or has it always been like that?

I don't think you sound shallow at all - I can't think of a more natural thing than to want to be close to the one you love. And don't misunderstand; I don't mean that you should have to wait forever to have sex, I just feel you're going to need some patience with this man. Now, it's up to you to determine how much patience you are capable of for your own wellbeing.

Super good luck to you!
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
Thx for your responds HappyCapper.

My cap and expressing/talking about emotions....not always easy. So going to a psychologist will be rejected lol. He doesn't want to be analysed.

He eats when i say its time to eat something healtier than a coockie. He doesn't always take the time to eat proper because of all the work.

Like today, its 7 o clock in the morning on a sunday and he is painting/spraying a car he is working on in his sparetime to get ready for the rally in march. Lol

But that makes him happy and proud so i let him be.

excercise?? no, no time because it doesn't bring in money lol

Yes i think he is aware that he has a problem because of all the " i love you's " he says to me. But further than that , no, no talking about it because for him it doesn't change anything.

in this year and a half we've been together, there was only 1 time when we had sex were he gave his whole body and soul. All the other times it was/is like he " had the brakes on".

When i mentioned that to him he said " it should always be like that, but it can't" . Then wouldn't talk about it no further.

So difficult sometimes to try to help him if he doesn't want to be helped, or i think that's the case. Maybe he want to sort things out on his own ( yes he is stubborn man lol).

But as a crab, i do have patience. A lot......i just don't want to loose him while waiting....
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HappyCapper
@HappyCapper
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Posted by Lindaaaatje
Thx for your responds HappyCapper.

My cap and expressing/talking about emotions....not always easy. So going to a psychologist will be rejected lol. He doesn't want to be analysed.

He eats when i say its time to eat something healtier than a coockie. He doesn't always take the time to eat proper because of all the work.

Like today, its 7 o clock in the morning on a sunday and he is painting/spraying a car he is working on in his sparetime to get ready for the rally in march. Lol

But that makes him happy and proud so i let him be.

excercise?? no, no time because it doesn't bring in money lol

Yes i think he is aware that he has a problem because of all the " i love you's " he says to me. But further than that , no, no talking about it because for him it doesn't change anything.

in this year and a half we've been together, there was only 1 time when we had sex were he gave his whole body and soul. All the other times it was/is like he " had the brakes on".

When i mentioned that to him he said " it should always be like that, but it can't" . Then wouldn't talk about it no further.

So difficult sometimes to try to help him if he doesn't want to be helped, or i think that's the case. Maybe he want to sort things out on his own ( yes he is stubborn man lol).

But as a crab, i do have patience. A lot......i just don't want to loose him while waiting....
Well, trying to take your guy's hobbies away from him is, imo, a really bad idea for everyone's sake(unless it's an unhealthy hobby, ofc.), so I totally get that.

This situation must be very difficult for you, because it seems like slow moving with little result. But he did get the bypass, and the -18kg:s are really great! I honestly can't think of anything else to do than to try to make him eat as well as possible, lure him out to excercise(walks? golf? sailing?), try to lure him out emotionally and sexually and make sure you are not getting washed away in the process. Maybe it will change with his improving health after the bypass - maybe it won't change at all, but I don't think there are any quick fixes here.

All the best to you both!
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
update on this story....

I finally got to talk to him that he will have to go to the docter and get a bloodtest done in order to fix the problem.
He said he will make an appoitnment.
1 week later he didn't make the appointment and starting working more and more. He already worked so mutch but it increased the last week.
I understand him , i know he has a lot of work.
I asked him a couple of days ago if we could take the sunday of and don't do any work, just the two of us. He said alright.
we had a talk a couple of days ago were i told him that i was restless, didn't sleep much because i was afraid that the relationship was going downhill.
He told me he felt happy and satisfied.
I told him i mist who he was in the beginning ( more emotional, very talkerative, always touching me, kissing me). He told me he was still the same as in the beginning.

Today is sunday. When i woke up this morning at 8 am he was already working in his workingspace at home.
I didn't say anything about it because i thought " ok, he was up early and he will work until i had done sleeping"
But at 9 am i heard that he made an appoitment with somebody who would bring some work over to be done.
He said the man would come over around 9 am.
It was 12 am , nobody had come over yet and he was still working. We at lunch and i asked when will they come?
He said "it won't be long now. When they've come i will come inside and take a nap, i am tired"

He came inside the livingroom at 2 pm looked tv for a while with me and then slept until almost 4 pm...
He saw that i was upset and couldn't imagine why—?
I told him if he had forgotten what we talked about, that we agreed on having this day off. Other sundays he always workes to and i don't say anything about it.
But now i specifically asked for a day just the two of us and no working.

He was mad " is that why you are upset? For that??".
He turned his back and walked out of the living room.
He stubborn now and don't talk to me anymore....

Am i wrong to have asked this? Or is he in fault?

Cap males??
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CancerLeoDynamite
@CancerLeoDynamite
13 Years1,000+ Posts

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This guy sounds severely depressed and unwilling to change. depression completely kills a man's sex drive and obviously his reaction is stupid and abusive, he is showing you with signs he doesn't care for you, and you're asking us to what? Give you hope, or permission to leave?

I left a guy recently who started off having a lot of sex but would tell me 'sex is not a big motivation in my life'
and sure enough once the infatuation period wore off, so did his interest in sex., It was devastating to my self esteem.
he was also fat, and rude.
The best thing I have done was dump him and start having sex with people who want to have sex with me and make me feel good, not bad.

My honest advice is not to waste your time on him any more. Cut your losses, gtfo and enjoy your life, because he doesn't want to.

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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
I do understand you CancerLeoDynamite, but i do not give him up...
That's why i am asking " the other caps" what they think about all this. They have a different point of view than us cancers.

If he isn't the one for me or if it is necessary, i will leave him.
Sounds silly but he makes me grow. Emotions are ok but sometimes its better to think with your head instead of our heart. He's teaching me that.

But on the otherhand, i have to teach/let him know that it ok to show feelings or letting go of his brakes.

I am not 20 years old anymore but i do think the sex is necessary to stay bonded.
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faith$golphin
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How often do you guys have sex?
Is their a major difference from before?
Do he be stress out?
Do yall cuddle?
Is it possible he just tired of you?

Theres things you can do to entice him. You will need to know the real problem.
A lot of times when a man stop having sex at home its because he saving it for some one else. I would need to know more about the situation.

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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
Posted by faith $ golphin
What do he do to keep you happy? I had a man like that before and he use to blame me all the time.
He works a lot and bring in lots of money. Wich is very important for him. No , he doesn't blame me.
He doesn't have the lust or desire to have sex anymore. Even he find it very strange...
He went to the docter this week ( finaly) to have his blood checked. Didn't receive results yet..
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
Posted by faith $ golphin
How often do you guys have sex?
Is their a major difference from before?
Do he be stress out?
Do yall cuddle?
Is it possible he just tired of you?

Theres things you can do to entice him. You will need to know the real problem.
A lot of times when a man stop having sex at home its because he saving it for some one else. I would need to know more about the situation.
It's been a bit over 2 months now since we had sex....
He is a very nervous guy, inside. Always thinking about his " responsablilities", providing the kids and i with what we need . He doesn't talk very much about problems, feelings etc.
I don't thing he is tired of me, i have asked him and i think he would tell me.
He told me a couple of days ago that he feels happy in our relationship.
Yes , we hold hands when we watch tv, he hugs me before we go to sleep. But that's it.
But i know that he isn't getting it somewhere els.

Last week he asked me " do you still love me , despite of everything?" I think that says enough....
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CancerLeoDynamite
@CancerLeoDynamite
13 Years1,000+ Posts

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Posted by Lindaaaatje
I do understand you CancerLeoDynamite, but i do not give him up...
That's why i am asking " the other caps" what they think about all this. They have a different point of view than us cancers.

If he isn't the one for me or if it is necessary, i will leave him.
Sounds silly but he makes me grow. Emotions are ok but sometimes its better to think with your head instead of our heart. He's teaching me that.

But on the otherhand, i have to teach/let him know that it ok to show feelings or letting go of his brakes.

I am not 20 years old anymore but i do think the sex is necessary to stay bonded.
I honestly wish the best for you, I know how badly it hurts a cancer not to be able to have physical intimacy with our partner and yet we are loyal to a fault and will suffer for the purity of love.
it's so dumb imo, but I do it too and i cannot judge.
I wouldnt leave until I was absolutely positively sure it wasnt ever going to change.

Sex is important, it's not shallow to think so!
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

Comments: 2 · Posts: 418 · Topics: 26
@asha, nope, because it is i who brough lots of money in the relationship. But he makes more of it...
We both like to make money.
I wouldn't stay with anyone because of the money. We need it but that's not the important thing for me.
For him, he feels secure because of it.

If it would stay sexless for months and months, then maybe i consider it to leave him, i don't know.
The point is: he isn't very touchy, kissy kind a guy. That's just how he is and i can live with that.
But now without the sex also....there isn't much of a emotional relationship between us. And as a cancer, i really need that.

I will not change him. He is who he is and so am i.
Time will tell...
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asha
@asha
14 Years

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"And as a cancer, i really need that."

Everyone needs it (well, almost). You are still sexually active and it is perfectly normal to ask for sex in the couple as it it perfectly normal for the partner to try and supply it (unless impossible for healthy reasons of course). It is certainly NOT ok to avoid the subject, regardless of what some people here have said. Not talk about the problem and pretend it does not exist may suit him (for whatever reason) but does not suit you. If he cares for the couple he simply has to try.

Frankly, from your explanations it strikes me that he may not be into women.
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asha
@asha
14 Years

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A sexless relationship probably may be sustained in an old couple with many things in common, including children. But in young couples where people haven't yet developed a level of closeness and friendship, which could overcome any difficulty and with no psychical bond on top...people can easily stray away from each other emotionally. And then what type of relationship is this? A friendship? Roommates?
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inlovewithlove
@Lindaaaatje
10 Years

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That's my point of view too @asha.
He on the other hand find it more superficial that i find it a problem/issue not having sex.
Then i end up blaming myself " am i superfcial for wanting sex?"
Caps can do that....how do they call it ? Reverse psychology?

last week he was going to the fridge to take something to eat for himself.
He asked me " do you want something for yourself? besides a dick ?"
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asha
@asha
14 Years

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Well, all I can say is he is not being fair with you and indeed, trying to manipulate you by hinting YOU are the problem.

Now, in my view there may be more than one solution to the sex issue but all involve cooperation from both sides. And this is what he is not giving you - good will, understanding and cooperation. He wants things his way and it will be up to you to decide whether you can play the role, go with the flow and put up with the situation or stand for yourself at the risk of loosing the relationship.

Sorry you are in a difficult situation but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, don't let him twist your thinking.