Deep Sadness

Some of you guys might know my story, i come and go on DXP based on how busy I am.......I seem to attract many Capricorn male for what reason I dont know and dated mostly Capricorn males.......I been going through some self-actuliaztion lately and came to the conclusion I am at least Bi-sexual if not completely a Lesbian....

I thought it would be easy being gay and being accepted but it proved much much much harder than I anticipated, my friends and family changed and have opinions and get tense if I bring a female around, even if its a straight female friend.....to make my social and personal life happier or rather the people around me happy, I deciced to try being straight...so I went on a date with a guy I was attracted to that happens to be a Capricorn...but I suspect he might be a "wife-beater". My Capricorn ex that I was with hit me the last time we saw each other and gave me a black eye....these guys hide their insecurities, jealousy, and possessiveness well because they are so confident and hard working on the exterior but I sense there is a deep deep insecurity within them.

I met him on Sunday night and 10AM the next morning he called me 3 times, I thought it was weird but I just said, he just knows what he wants, nevertheless, we talked, met up that same night, had drinks, played pool, had some fun on a lil double date with my friend and his brother, he was a little aggressive and suggested sex but I laughed it off everything seemed normal.

He would call everyday and we talk and, then on Wednesday I was driving home at around 1AM from visiting a friend and i called him becuz I missed his called, he asked me what I was doing and if I wanted to come over, I said, I like you and do want to see you but this is booty call hours and I don't move quickly like that with guys, he asked why i don't want him, i said I've known you for 3 days, its not about want its about having tact, I just dont get down with guys I just met, he got mad and HUNG UP in my ear...we weren't arguing or nothing he just didnt get his way and hung up. He called right back a few times but I never picked up, then I got annoyed and turned my phone off.

the next day he texted and called but I ignored it until eventually I texted him that it wasn't cool he apologized and I gave him the benefit off the doubt.

"and I gave him the benefit off the doubt."

do not be a fool.

think of the reasons why you are doing this in the first place, and then re analyze the situation where he hung up. this could go nowhere good.

So we agree to meet up Thursday for some drinks and a dance. My little cousin was in town so I brought him along, it wasn't an intimate date, we were meeting up seperately at a club, to just hang and get to know each other.

He was enraged that i brought my cousin, even though he brought his brother, then he said forget it, he is going to play some pool, I said cool, I am going inside to dance a bit. He said fine, 2 minutes later he comes inside goes to other side and proceeds to watch me, then 10 minutes later he walks out the club. 10 mins go by he didnt come back in, so I call him, he said he left. I said cool,I was hurt but I wasnt going to make a fuss, and walked back in the club. Like 20 mins later he walks back in the club and pulls me outside, said he was just kidding but he saw me talking to some guy so thats why he lied and said he left, but he was really in his car, I told him the guy I was talking to happened to be my cousin, you know the 20 yr old pip squeak I introduced you to about 30 mins ago.

He said oh and offers to buy me a drink, I oblige and we go inside to dance...he holds my hand the whole time. So we dancing and its the worst grind ever, i got to the bathroom, he follows me, he ask if I want to go to the car with him for a second, so I go, in the car he reaches in to kiss me but put his arm around my neck in a head lock type of position and proceeds to kiss me which actually feels like him swallowing my head whole, he keeps his hand locked behind my head and I can't move it till he is done, but I just play along because I am sensing something off with him and I dont want to trigger him. So he releases me and we go back inside, now I am bit thrown off.

So we're "dancing" and I see him lifting his camera to take a picture of us but I duck from the camera and tried to step away jokingly (but really I was concerned how i looked), he grabs my upper arm with such force and twist me towards him where i sort of lose my balance, I still have the bruise from where he grabbed me and says "what you fucking wanted or something" and then sort of shoves me and then just stands there PISSED OFF, I said you okay, he is like no, i am ready to go ...at this point i am a little shook up and follow him out the club and quickly get my cousin, i acted cool because now I am realizing the warning signs they teach us about in Social W so I walk to him to say goodbye, he hugs me, and say "I love your tits on my chest, got milk?"

So we're "dancing" and I see him lifting his camera to take a picture of us but I duck from the camera and tried to step away jokingly (but really I was concerned how i looked), he grabs my upper arm with such force and twist me towards him where i sort of lose my balance, I still have the bruise from where he grabbed me and says "what you fucking wanted or something" and then sort of shoves me and then just stands there PISSED OFF, I said you okay, he is like no, i am ready to go ...at this point i am a little shook up and follow him out the club and quickly get my cousin, i acted cool because now I am realizing the warning signs they teach us about in Social W so I walk to him to say goodbye, he hugs me, and say "I love your tits on my chest, got milk?"

WTF?! is all i have to say. next time some pussy ass bitch of a man does this to you knee his fucking nuts. if you are still considering having anything to do with this dude, you need help, and also to be introduced to a real man.

I acted cool because now I am realizing the warning signs they teach us about in Social Work so I walk to him to say goodbye, he hugs me, and say "I love your tits on my chest, got milk?", He says when are we gonna to be together alone, i said maybe Saturday (knowing well in my head I never want to see him again) he says "why Saturday, what are you doing tomorrow" I said I am going to be busy, he say whatever and wlaks away, I literally ran to my car and went home.

This morning he callled 3 times at like 8, 9, and 10 and I have just been deeply sad all day because....that is not what I want, i do not want a MAN but I go through this because I want to feel normal and accepted.

When he kissed me it was the first feeling ever, first off he forced it on me then had me in a head lock the whole time of the kiss.

When i am with a woman the feeling is so different.......its so amazing, it transcends reality and the heavens open and the angels sing but because of my deep roots in a Christian Jamaican Culture I can't live free....I am forever in this heterosexual prison of social and famialial acceptance, everyone is happy when I am with a man but me. Then this psycho I dated last night just made it even worse.

I am just again deeply sad.

Worst feeling ever*

I will never call him again.......I said the same thing to him, i said I have known you for not even a week its too early to be going through this.......but that whole night just got me so sad on a deep level, i dont know what to do, I went on a date with him to try and make the people around me happy, but I knew I didnt want him, he was handsome, attractive, wealthy. All the "husband" qualities but he is also a deeply insecure man

Many people were shock to know I was a lesbian and shocked when I joined the army....Honestly I have known this since I was a child.

I love South florida and the beach but everything is starting to take a toll on me personally.

Its affecting my work and my duties in the Army Reserves, just my life.

Thank you guys for your very encouraging and kind words. Sometimes DXP is all I have to turn to with these thoughts and experiences and struggles...thank you so much.

eeeeeeeeeeewhew, you eat pussy

what does the guy have to do with this?

the reality is, most people who come out develop a new circle of friends and "family." you don't typically see hoards of gay folk hanging out with straights for a reason. or look at it from a racial perspective. TYPICALLY, the majority of a person's friends will be of the same race. why? like attracts like.

you're lesbian and yet you expect to find love and support in hetero communities. for the most part, it ain't gone happen...especially when it comes to blacks and latinos.

my friend is in a similar situation to you. her sister, whom she was very close to, said VILE things about her and her gf...in front of their faces and with increasing regularity. my friend has chosen to forgive her sister...that's her choice. you may handle people's disgust and disapproval differently but at the end of the day, handle it or don't. fuck your whining!

would you apologize for your race? your gender? are you ashamed of the color of your skin in the presence of white/lighter folk? do you bleach in an effort to be more acceptable?

my point is, grow a fucking backbone. just because others regard your sexuality in a negative light, just because it may alienate you from family members and friends doesn't mean you have to walk with your head hanging low.

in the end, you know what pisses people off most? the lie. stop portraying something that you're not and allow people to accept/reject the REAL you. i hate fake people and right now, you's a fake ass bitch.

oh and one more thing...

FUCK YOUR SADNESS YOU SICK BITCH!

how are you any different than a man who's on the DL? nasty fuck! you inject yourself into a heterosexual man's life in attempt to outright deceive HIM. who the fuck gives a shit about YOUR feelings—

what happens when you meet a "good" guy? what are you going to do? marry him? make false "love" to him? bear children out of shame?

people like you make me sick! you know who and what you are. you knowingly involve others in YOUR mess of a life because you're not woman enough to own your true identity.

so again, FUCK YOUR FEELINGS! you don't deserve pity, sympathy or understanding. what you really deserve is an outright ASS WHOOPIN!

god i so hate you right now for being a conniving, deceptive whore...and you eat pussy to boot...*icks*

@Quietstorm thanks for the encouragement

I won't even dignify the crazies with a response.

just taking things day by day.

@dreamer........OMG that was my saving grace.....I am totally glad he does not know where I live........he has called me 18 times today! and texted 9 and left messages......OMG

Thanks @Strider........its been hard, coming out is one of the hardest things EVER! not basic training, not the death of close family and friends.....coming out......the dualism of maintaining societal standards and satisfying self is such an internal battle.

Right now moving away seems like my only option.

Posted by amethyst2002
^ Someone really needs to take your computer away from you. I get your point, but how you approached it is fucking ridiculous. Take your hate speech elsewhere, honey.

roll in shit