Really Need Your Advice on What to Do Next

Hello there!

New here. Glad to come across this forum as I need an advice from you Cappies. What's a good and effective way to break through that aloof and guarded presence of a cap guy? I can tell that he likes me as he had glanced and was around as if observing me when we met at a cafe. I've since let him know that I was interested in him and gave him my number basically leaving it up to him to call. He hasn't but I see that he is interested due to the behavior I just described. I've tried to come up and start a conversation and he seems nice while talking but it's mostly just answering my questions. He doesn't ask anything about me or gives me anything that I could pick up to continue the conversation, so I get shy and don't know what else to say. So it's very awkward during those moments. I would've almost jumped into a conclusion that maybe he doesn't really have any interest in me had it not being for those slight signs that he had given me and also a compliment that he liked my purse.

So I think I might run into him again at this cafe this weekend and am just wondering what else can I do or say to get him to feel not so guarded. I can just feel this huge ice wall that he's surrounded himself with and he is totally in a position to be like that as 1) he is in the entertainment circle and is known by many, 2) he's been hurt in the past relationship and 3) he doesn't really know me (for all he knows I could be some chick after him because he is a celebrity). However, my intentions are pure and I am interested in him as a person and not as a celeb. So would you Cap men please give me some pointers what I should say to him if I see him again? I have an urge to just be straight up and tell him that I am genuinely interested in him and that I understand why he is so cautious but maybe he shouldn't be afraid of me and give it a chance to get to know each other and that way he'll see what kind of person I am. But then I don't know if that's the right way to go about it. I know I would personally like it if a man told me that but I don't know how a Cap man who is rather shy and guarded take that type of straight talk.

Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!

PS I know about Caps being slow and taking their time so I need to be patient but there is one major factor that makes me feel and therefore act as if I am rushing things - we leave in different states and I know he will be going home in a few days and I am not sure when he will be back

Thank you so much! 🙂 Really glad to be here. Lots of you guys have some great insights and since I have never had an opportunity to meet/date a Cap, I am really in need of your input! Not to mention, I am shy and reserved also so it's not typical for me to go after a man but I just have a feeling that this guy is really worth me breaking my own rules and stepping over my fear of being rejected by him or being perceived/judged by others in a way that I am not.

Again, thanks a million! 🙂

Considering that he is the more guarded, reserved, quiet type. He probably glances at and observe a lot of people. I know that Im pretty observant, so don't let that mistake interest in this case.

Even if he is interested, him not coming to you and introducing himself says a lot. I'd let him sit right where he does everyday, by himself. And if he really is a "celebrity" then that's probably even more reason to avoid him lol. He probably gets what you are trying to give ALL the time.

Thank you for your input, Crabcake. I agree that it should be a man's initiative to let a woman know that they are interested. That is me believing in the traditional way of things done. However, I feel that this guy is really shy and even if he wad interested, he'd still not know how to come up to me, or call for that matter, as he doesn't know anything about me. From what I read on here, Caps analyze and act from the logical stand point...So therefore, I was like "OK, I will be the first one to make a move and make him feel more comfortable by letting him know that I wad interested in him." Now, I've considered asking him out but more some sort of a fun activity (a hike maybe), that way he is not threatened by being put on a spot and feeling pressured to go to dinner in a public place. But again, I don't know if that would considered ad me coming on too strong? He may need more of me letting him know that I am really interested in him and in that case my invitation for a hike will be taken OK but what if not? He'll think of me as desperate and pushy and will make his own conclusions about me which will not help me to get to know him further. I am really frustrated as to what to do...Plus knowing that he'll be leaving in a few days makes me feel like I'll miss a chance if things don't take on some more progress this weekend...(sigh)

He's not THAT shy. Don't let his reserved nature fool you.

Posted by M

Posted by lnana04
He's not THAT shy. Don't let his reserved nature fool you.

This is probably true, but it's better to feel out WHERE he really is reserved, and where it's deceptively not the case :p

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I've just known even the shyest Caps to go after what they want when it comes to women. I just think handing him over the number is more than enough to let him know that she's interested. If he's too shy to make a call, then I don't see where this courage would come to hang out, but ya never know so I guess it doesn't hurt to try.

Inana, thank you for your input. The thing is, I feel that he is interested and no it's not because I want it to be that way and so I see what I want to see. It's like that chemistry thing, it's either there or it's not; you can't force it or fake it and one can feel it on a vibrational level when it's there. So that is why I am confused as to why he is still so aloof when I tried to talk to him a couple of times. As for being a celebrity, he is not the Gorge Clooney type of celeb, but nevertheless, extremely talented at what he does and people who like the type of art he is into know him. So I am sure that he gets a ton of attention from fans and so you are right about that, however, knowing what I know about him, he is not a typical Hollywood shallow type who just loves to get attention from women in order to stroke his ego. I also believe that he really wants to be in a meaningful relationship and start a family, with the right person of course, as he is extremely close with his own family and that is one of the things why I think we could be good for each other.

So Crabcakes, M and Inana - you guys are all in mutual agreement that I should just come up to him if I see him this weekend and cut through the chase and ask him out? I mean I have never done that (again, thanks to my mom raising me with a belief that a man should ask a woman to go out). So I am not even sure how I would say it - "Hi X, how are you? Nice to see you again. I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me?" Oh man, I don't think that would even be an option for me because I get such a crazy adrenaline rush when I am next to him, that I start acting like a fool and saying all the wrong things. I may not look like I am shy and I have been told by a few men in the past that they would never perceive me as shy because of the way I look, carry myself and talk to others, and they would even be afraid to come up to me, because they look at me and think that —hhmmm that girl is beautiful, looks confident and can even be a bitch,?? which I can't even begin to understand why. I think as we all do at times, that is a protection mechanism that I tend to use and so I act as confident when in reality I am scared little girl, haha...

Last time when him and I saw each other and my friend who is just so in love with him asked me to go and take a photo, I was acting all cool like it was nothing, well at first...But when she told me to take a pic with him to and I don't know why I agreed (I should've not acted like a fan, because I am not, although I honestly admire his talent and I think he is brilliant at what he does), I was standing to him with his arm around me and my arm around him, and those 2-3 seconds that it took for my friend to take a picture of use felt like 60 and all of a sudden I got a crazy adrenaline surge through my body and I could feel myself shaking and the only thing I could think of was "God, I hope he can't feel it because that would be embarrassing." During that time when we stood next to each other to take a photo, he gave me that compliment "I like your purse" which caught me off guard and all I could do is to say "Thank you," although I did notice his cool watch and wanted to compliment him on it but thought it would be weird??_

CONTINUED.......

That was the third time that we saw each other and I felt that he was a bit warmer when I was asking him questions but as I said in my first post, he was not giving me anything to feed off to continue the conversation and I felt really dumb just standing there because it did look to the outsiders as I was hanging there waiting for him to talk to me. So when I finally decided to leave and me and my friend went outside, we stopped to talk to some people there. In a few minutes he came out and was hanging around there listening to what we were talking about. It was obvious to me that he was eaves dropping. That is another thing that made me realize that he had some interest in me. What happened next is what I think may have turned him off and that is why I am so frustrated right now because I don't know if I can do anything at this point.

Because I was nervous and wondering why in the world is he not talking to me, I was looking for things to ask. So I asked something, which was not stupid, but not necessarily sounding too meaningful. Then in between the conversations, I asked him if he smoked. Now, the reason why I asked was because there were 2 girls standing there talking and they asked me if I smoked and I said no I didn't. Then one said —Oh ask X, I know he does.?? That was before he came outside. I thought that he didn't smoke and so I told her that I didn't believe he smoked which she said no he did. I insisted that he didn't because he takes care of his body. Anyway, later I was stupid enough to ask him that question because that girl was so darn sure that he smoked and I wanted to find out if that was true. Wrong timing because although there were only like 5 people outside and mostly the ones he knew, I think it was not a good idea of me to do that because it put him on a spot to say —yes?? or —no?? and maybe he didn't want others to know either way. So he gave me a short answer, you know the one that Caps give — the dry witty one, which could imply either yes he smoked or no he didn't. After that, a few minutes later he went back inside the caf?. I felt like a complete idiot for asking that question. Even if that was not the case and he was not irritated with my question, he may have made a conclusion that I smoked because usually if someone wants to bump a sig from you, they will ask if you smoke.

CONTINUED....

Anyway, sorry for such a long post. But now you can see why I am so frustrated about this situation. I don't know if I ruined it by asking that question or not. I also don't know if I should still come up and talk to him if I see him and finally, I am so worked up about this whole thing because I feel like if I don't do something, I will miss a chance for things to progress because he is leaving to go home in a few days??_Aaahhhhhhh??_

HELP PLEASE!!!

Posted by crabcakesandmayo
You really need to talk to him to find out. It's also a little bit hard for us to gauge situation when you haven't even been out with him. Maybe he's shy. If you feel less shy, do the asking out.

Don't Caps like to be in control of a situation? If I ask him out (how I would do it I don't know yet?), he may feel pressured, no? Cap men - please your opinion on this? Do you tend to like when a woman makes a move and you see it as confidence, or do you label her as pushy or needy and it is a turn off for you? Thank you in advance!!!

You've never asked a guy out before?

M, thank you for your insight. Do you think he would feel in control if I were to be direct and told him that I understand that he is guarded because he doesn't know me but I am genuinely interested in him and I was wondering if he'd like to go to dinner (or for a hike - maybe less threatening?) so we can get to know each other a little better? For some reason I think it would catch him off guard and make him want to close off even more since Caps don't like surprises.

Posted by crabcakesandmayo
Oh, and I want to add that I think for the most part, using the "he/she/I has/have been hurt in the past" is an excuse.

I have used it many times for the very simple reason that it was a chicken-sh!t way out of a situation I had NO intentions of developing further. When love or interest in general finds our hearts past hurt seems to magically vanish..

People always use any excuse they can find when things don't feel quite right as it's a way to gain some breathing room that will serve as a confirmation for what we knew from the beginning.

Don't make excuses for him.

Yes, I agree with you, CC and on the past if a man told me that, it would be a red flag for me that he still has some unresolved issues from his past relationship and therefore is not ready for a new one. You can't go into a relationship and build a solid one if you have fears and reservations. Love and fear are the only two premises of any interaction; every other emotion derives from them. Where there is love fear won't even stand a chance to be but just as true if there is fear - love can't grow due to the negative energy consuming the space.

He never said it that he was guarded due to being hurt in the past, but that is typical reaction for most people and reading about Cappies on here, I see that they feel that they the most caring people and often people take advantage of their kind heart, so they feel it is in their best interest to be so closed off. I totally get it and used to be that way and still am at times but have trained myself to not be so judgmental of people and rather try to look for positive qualities in them.

Posted by lnana04
You've never asked a guy out before?

No I never have. I've always thought of it as letting man be a man and a woman be a woman. I still remember as it was yesterday when in 2nd grade there was a boy who really liked me and I liked him too and one day I had a "love note" from him, haha in 2nd grade can you believe it? 🙂 and it had his phone number. I came home and showed it to my mom. The first thing she told me - don't call him first. That has been my moto during all this time. Usually men tell me they are interested in me and give their phone numbers to call. I tell them - here is mine, feel free to call me first.

Now days, I feel that with the whole modern age society, men/women roles have changed and it is not as much of inappropriate behavior if a woman makes a first move. So I guess that is why I worked up the courage to right him a note telling him that I was interested. I guess that was my own "safe" way of asking him out because let's face it, we all fear being rejected, especially if you really like a person. In my little note, I also said that I don't know whether he believes in taking chances in life but I guess I will know if he does, if I ever hear from him. Signed with my name and a phone number beneath it. Little did I know that Caps don't take chances EVER! Be it business or personal affairs - it will be analyzed from all angles to see how it would benefit and fit into their future. Now I know after discovering this forum. Ahhh, about 3 weeks too late 😢

M, thanks again. Hearing it come from you (I assume you are a Cap man) makes me feel at ease about gentley asking him out. And no, I don't usually have any expectations because regardless what one may think of a person and often we think we know someone well enough, it is usually far from who that person is. It takes time, not sure how long, some say years, to get a good idea about someone. So far I can only go by what I know about him from the media, which is again, probably far from the real him (although some stuff I believe is true because it was what he said about himself about such subjects as relationships, what he is looking for and his views on family and all that, so unless he was lying...) and the picture I have of him is accurate, then I think I wouldn't be far off when saying that I feel we would be a good match. However, I don't expect him to be this perfect guy as no one is perfect. I look at it as allowing people to be who they are and hopefully they will see and appreciate it and let you be who you are. I know it sounds easier said than done, but really it is not. We control our thoughts, so anything that is going on in our lives - people we meet, events that happen, money/career, etc - all of that is nothing but our own perception of things, which are basically our thoughts. The only thing that I agree I have is a hope that this guy that I am interested in is also interested in me and we will have a chance to get to know each other and as the things progress, we will see that we are indeed a good match for each other. This may sounds like an expectation to some. To me it is simply hoping for a positive outcome 🙂

Posted by Metoo
It may have made you look like so many other girls or overeager that you
gave him your number since they are a little more traditional sort of and it may have sent the wrong message (I am not suggesting you did the wrong thing AT ALL, just could have been taken that way *maybe* but I salute a gal not being afraid)

Hi Metoo! Thank you as well for chipping in your insight on my situation. Well, I thought about how he could've possibly perceived me and yes, I have to admit, the thought of him seeing me as just another girl who is "in love with him" because of what he does and who he is made my brain go into overdrive about all other possible things he could've concluded about me. That is also another thing that seems to be brought up in this forum's discussion posts - Cap men tend to make a judgment about a person based on something the other person says/does. It may not be the accurate picture of that person, but it doesn't matter. That person wouldn't even know what a Cappy thought of him/her. They will just make a mental note about you and if they put you in their "good person" compartment, you are on good terms with them but if not, they will not give a minute of their day in the future. So yes, I have thought about that, therefore, I was also concerned about my quesiton about him smoking. Maybe he made som assumption about me based on that too? Posted by Metoo
I would have said to greet him genuinely and smile and WALK AWAY and IGNORE him...since you planted the seed...
BUT there is the different city and time issue...

I guess, you have nothing to lose...tell him calmly and genuinely how you feel and that you have a sincere genuine interest,
make eye contact...THEN walk away, excuse yourself to go back to your friends. You cannot wait for an answer I dont think since he will be on the spot and may likely not know how to process what you say all in the moment.
Go be with your friends, touch him on the arm when you go and say "I meant what I said and just needed to let you know"

Do not be obvious about seeking his attention at ALL the rest of the night..any disingenous behavior he will see as a turnoff and flashy phoney behavior he will see right through. Just try to have a great time and be confident that you took a risk and let the cards fall where they will.

He may have an attraction but be dealing with the old skeletons and healing hurt and not in a trusting place, plus may think whats the point as he lives far away an

Sorry, not sure what happened, quote thing doesn't seem to be working and it cut off my previous message.

Wanted to add to your post Metoo: Wow! Thank you for such a good advice as to how approach him. I think that might actually work if I do it the way you suggested and he will not feel as threatened and put on the spot if I just gently mention that I am interested in him and walk away leaving him on his own with some time to think about what I said and how he would like to proceed.
And unfortunately, I can't post the picture due to respecting his privacy. I am sure that many people on this forum would recognize him. But trust my word when I say he is worth my time and I don't say it based just on his looks. I feel that behind all this fa?ade of cool, calm and collected guy that he is so successful at presenting to the outsiders, there is a really kind, compassionate man with a heart of gold who just wants to be loved for who he is, with all his flaws and imperfections.

Metoo: I know now that Cappies don't like small talk and to me that's just a simple of breaking the ice before you get to know someone Otherwise, what do you talk about if you don't know the person? Usually, I have no issues carring on a conversation and most times I get complimented on my intelligence. This time around, with this guy, I feel plain stupid, because I can't seem to find anything to say to him other than asking a couple of questions that were a bit more of "I can relate to you" type of thing, like he has a dog, I do to, so I asked a question on that subject as people love their pets. Also about time to relax because I know that he's been really working hard on a specific project and then some. He gave me rather short answer, or maybe that was me not finding the way to connect to his answer and continue the conversation, I don't know. It's just typically it's a 2-way thing - one person asks, another answers, which gives it a chance for the other person to ask something and so forth. At least that's how I would typically find people communicating with me and others. So in this situation I find it rather odd that that is not happening and it makes me uncomfortable and once I am uncomfortable, I shy away...

Well...few things. Try not to over-think this intro phase.

As you know, Caps are slow-moving. So right now you can be sure he's getting your signals loud and clear. But he'll take his time to 'process' it all. And as much as you might want to, you can't do much to 'speed him up'.

As for whether or not you should relinquish control of the situation based on traditional values...that can vary for Capricorn especially when you consider other elements in the guy's personality. Ultimately, control for Capricorn begins with self. So first and foremost, he'll be primarily focused on maintaining his calm and cool.

As for how to approach him, here's a tip that could be useful: since you've already introduced yourself, and given him your contact info, and also because you feel short on time, the best way forward is to cut quickly past small talk and move into deeper territory. Try asking/talking about what inspires his craft, or yours. Ask him what he likes to do when he's not in a room full of strangers....Then ask him out. You can suggest going for a walk, a picnic, or something simple that doesn't necessarily require a particular 'crowded-scene'. If he's a celeb as you say, he might have reservations about being out about about with anyone new. So think about something you can do together that's not totally intimate, but still private. He might really like that idea.

From experience, I enjoy exploring abandoned buildings or ghost towns...really perks up my inner child. If I found myself in a place I'd never been in, and someone I've just met offered to take me on a tour of some abandoned places, I'd go. But I'd also have all my alerts on because even without being famous, people do crazy things to each other. But I'd still follow for adventure. Now if I were a celeb, then perhaps not for too many reasons. In that case, my plan would be to go with people I do know.

As a Capricorn, would I in any case willingly let someone new blindfold me, spin me around a dozen times and then take me somewhere? Hell no. I'd be giving up way to much personal control, and ultimately I'm just not that trusting of new people. lol.

Go for a walk in a park, on a beach...somewhere quiet but not exactly deserted. A picnic might be 2nd or 3rd outing material. But otherwise, skip the food and drinks. As a Capricorn, I don't like to eat out a whole lot, mostly because I'm quite conscious of what goes into my body and knowing what's in it, aids my enjoyment of it. 😄

Hi Mojo! 🙂 I've read many of your posts and really liked your points of view. So I am really glad to see that you posted an answer to my question orany questions I should say 🙂 Thank you so much!!!

I've also PMed you, not sure if you got it. I see another post from you here that is hidden. Since I am new here, I don't know if it's something personally for my eyes only and if so, I have to idea how to view it. So please let me know.

I am going to do as you suggested and offer to go on a hike where it will be more inviting of an atmosphere and not so many people for him to be conscious of. The thing is the time is really Plainfield shaker me as he is leaving in a couple of days so he may be in the process of wrapping last minute stuff. Oh well, all I can do is hope that he is interested enough in me that he'll find some time to spend with me in order to get a better picture of me ad a person.

Again, thank you so much for your helpful insights on how I should approach him. I will be back on here soon and give you an update on how things went. Ah sooooo nervous about today!

@ CuriousOne: My post cut cut-off and essentially mangled. No edit function and no way to delete posts so I just hid it. 🙂 Good luck with your approach. 😉

...And I'll check my messages.

I think you got some great advice from all participants here. You're welcome.