Some advice PLEASE

Hi there

I am hoping for some advice on the workings of the Capricorn mind. I posted on here just once before and got some very good advice. In brief, I met a Capricorn man last October and the relationship was pretty full on i.e. we saw each other regularly and messaged everyday until his mother died suddenly the beginning of December and he had the full responsibility of looking after his elderly invalid father who was understandingly devastated at the loss of his wife. I posted on here at the time asking for advice on whether I should just back off and let him sort out his personal life or whether I should keep in contact to off my support.

I did the latter and we managed to stay in touch throughout December and he even managed to get out to see me one evening before I left the country to spend Christmas with my family in the UK (I live in Southern Italy)and apart from being very sad over the loss of his mother he was quite positive that he would be able to find a 'live in ' housekeeper to care for his father and thus allow him the freedom to live his own life.

I continued to message him (after his mother died i knew he had too much on his mind so although it is something that I wouldn't usually do I initiated the messaging) to offer my support and to let him know I was thinking about him. When I got back from the UK he actually managed to get out to see me the first weekend I was back which I knew was a real effort for him because it meant leaving his father on his own and he has 'issues' with abandoning his father because sadly he was away when his mother died and he felt really guilty.
We saw each other another 6 times throughout January always initiated by him (only once did I suggest meeting up with him to celebrate his birthday and when he didn't accept I backed right off so as not to put any pressure on him) and it seems like he was starting to get his head around things and started to believe that he could still have a life for himself. There was still an ongoing problem however because his father refused to have a live in housekeeper and my man didn't know how to resolve things in the long term and was preoccupied with the problem most of the time.

By the third week in January we had started to see each other twice a week and things looked like they were getting back into a regular routine although our dates were less fun (I mean how can you joke and play around when someone has so many problems going through their head.

Just continue to be you. You seem to give him the space he needs (which is very necessary for Caps) and you're also very understanding, so he see's that in you and I'm sure he appreciates it. Most Caps love someone with a good sense of humor because most of them have the same. I've been with a Cap man for almost 30 years, and 27 of those years are in marriage, so trust me when I tell you as difficult as they can be, he's interested in you if he still hanging around and making exceptions to be with you. They are usually busy bodies by nature, so don't take it personally if he's not always available.

oops... only half of my message posted... here is the other half.

CONTD ..By the third week in January we had started to see each other twice a week and things looked like they were getting back into a regular routine although our dates were less fun (I mean how can you joke and play around when someone has so many problems going through their head. However he seemed just as keen on me as before and had even started initiating messaging again after I had raised my concerns one evening (albeit a little fiestty after a few glasses of wine).

But then unfortunately fate took a hand in things again and his father got sick again with a bad infection (he is an amputee) so my cappy went back to being tied to the house 24/7 .... literally nursing his father, changing dressings, change his antibiotic drips etc - and the treatment would last for at least a month. This really affected him mentally, he was so so fed up and it hit him really hard - he had just started to see a life again and then it was snatched away!. Of course this meant that the messaging had to be initiated by me again .....and I could feel him slipping further and further down and I would say almost depressed. I didn't mention earlier but there is also a language problem between us, he doesn't speak English and my Italian is only OK and there were a couple of occasions during this time when we had some misunderstandings in our messages and also a couple of spats. BUT he wanted to see me and managed to get out on Feb 12th for some home cooked dinner. It was a very pleasant evening, not romantic which of course I put down to him being preoccupied with his problems .... we just talked like we were good friends with a few hugs and kisses at the end of the evening. He left saying that we would see each other again soon (which surprised and really pleased me) so his intention then was to carry on with things. So anyway we messaged quickly the next day and then I sent him a message that evening with some information he wanted but also a question and he didn't respond.to...... So I had told myself that if ever he didn't respond to my message again (it had happened twice before over Christmas) that I would wait for him to message me and of course having made a 'big deal' about it previously I felt that I had to make a stand which meant not messaging him on Valentine's day (I'm a mature woman so Valentine's is no big deal to me). But he didn't message me and he must have known that I was

Contd....But he didn't message me and he must have known that I was upset with him for my messaging to stop just like that.

Anyway, my friend who knows both of us suggested that I should talk to him so 10 days later I called him and asked to meet for a coffee.. Bearing in mind the difficulties with the language this was a difficult conversation for me and to this day I am not even sure if he understood what I was saying. I basically tried to tell him that under normal circumstances if someone doesn't respond to my message I know that they are not interested and that I leave it but that this was a different situation given his ongoing problems and therefore I wanted to speak to him before closing the door. His initial reaction was that he was basically too consumed with his problems to care about anything... in other words he indicated that he had lost all his motivation, he wasn't sleeping or eating and was totally down . He then went on to say that until the problems with his father were resolved which I understood to mean the current treatment - he couldn't think about anything including whether he wanted to continue the relationship (at least that's what I understood). When I left him he reminded me that he had some of my things that he had borrowed (and I reminded that there were some of his things at my house) BUT he didn't suggest either of us giving them back. That was the third week in February and I didn't message him again but literally bumped into him in town two weeks ago and he asked to buy me a coffee. He told me that the treatment had had to carry on into March and that he was hoping that particular day was the last day of treatment but had to await the results of the blood test from the hospital. We didn't talk about us at all. I couldn't initiate it and he didn't so I went off on Holiday the next day. I got back last week and emailed him some pics of something to do with his work that I knew he would really appreciate and he did by responding immediately to thank me..... but there was no mention of anything personal nor even an enquiry as to how my holiday was or anything about me. So my questions are:

He had the opportunity to finish the relationship when we met for the coffee and I said about the lack of response indicated a lack of interest .... and he didn't ...... BUT also he didn't reassure me either. Would a Capricorn be up front enough to be able to say it to my face or by him saying 'he couldn't think about anythi

Would a Capricorn be up front enough to be able to say it to my face or by him saying 'he couldn't think about anything at the moment. his way of doing it. Also if he misunderstood what I was saying and thought maybe I was fed up with him and his problems would he be confident enough to contact me or do I need to spell it out for him. Part of me thinks I have nothing to lose to have a final conversation with him to either put closure on it or to sort things out but I don't want to come across as a crazy lady who will not go away and who will not take 'the message' - excuse the pun. Any advice would most gratefully be received, thank you very much.

OP, I don't think you're being selfish at all. You've been very patient and understanding. I think it shows a lot of character and stability on your part and I'm sure he appreciates it. I think the guy likes you, it's just that there's no way he can put in the effort he would have had he not had his family problems. Unfortunately, the timing is bad. He has to forgo everything in his life to care for his ailing father. That shows he has good character and I can completely understand why you are still interested and see him as a catch for the future. It could be years before he can actually be in a relationship. So whether you continue to be patient is up to you. Meanwhile, don't put your life on hold. It's really not fair to you and he knows this.

So, OP, only you can decide if it's worth waiting on. Only you can decide to cut your losses and move on. Do whatever is best for you. I think he would understand and encourage you to do this.

You can always date other people and if you haven't found anyone else by the time he is free to be with you, then you can get back with him. Just don't put your life on hold because when he does have time, he may not be the one afterall.

I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like I'm talking in circles. It's just that only you can decide what is best for you.

Thank you truecap, I think (hope)you are correct in your assessment .... it felt as if he liked me too, he introduced me to his parents (just as a friend) within a few weeks of meeting me which apparently is a really big thing for an Italian and he also spent one evening driving about trying to see his eldest son and I guess I would have been introduced ......and there was also a strong physical connection between us as well (although we had never actually 'consummated' the relationship).

I am feeling very sad about the situation, we are both in our late fifties, I'm a widow from 3 years ago (36 years with the same man so I am a stayer)and he is separated for 5 years after 27 years of marriage ... so we don't have vast amounts of time. I certainly didn't expect to have such strong feelings for someone else ....

So I need to put some closure on this and also after our last conversation it has been left open-ended. There is also just the smallest chance (and I am sure I am just grasping at straws here) that due to the language difficulty he MIGHT think that I was telling him that I was moving on and also I have never actually told him (due to not wanting to scare him off) that I like him. ... So what to do.... ask him outright if he has decided what he wants to do about us and swallow my pride and let him know that I like him or just give him back his things and let it drift away....

Well, that's an option. You can always ask him if his situation were different what does he imagine your relationship would be like. Maybe open it up that way...— See what he says. That might give you a good read. Then tell him what you imagine and see what he says. Then as the conversation flows you could ask him if he'd like you to wait. I wouldn't worry about taking the risk on exposing your feelings, caps like straight forward people.

I would worry about waiting, though and missing some other opportunities to be happy.

For what it's worth, he did make efforts when he could. He just doesn't get the opportunity often enough.

e11e I'm not and haven't been selfish at all, I've put ABSOLUTELY no pressure/demands on him, I've been totally supportive and understanding and tried to be a good friend. It has always been him who has suggested that he try to organise things so that we can spend time together. He is DESPERATE to get his life back and I believe he was including me as part of that.... he voiced it to me over and over again so I don't understand your comment re 'he's been nothing but honest with you and all you can think about is this relationship that didn't even have a chance to start to begin with'

In fact I wish the stand off over the messaging had never started as I believe we would still be chatting now and seeing each other whenever he could... He has dedicated himself completely to his family (which I admire hugely) and I believe that during these last few horrible months I was probably the only thing positive that was happening and it was nice for him to have someone showing concern for his welfare as opposed to him showing concern for everyone else.

Of course I am thinking about the relationship, I miss him and care about him and wish we could have had a chance with it to see where it went ... but I never voiced any concerns about it to him, instead I am speaking on a forum to strangers....

Truecap its good to know that caps like straight forward people because I am a fairly direct person and even more direct given how little fluency I have in the language hahaha (subtlety doesn't exist for me at the moment)

I have to speak to him even if it is just to arrange to give him his things back but it will probably have to be in a message form as that way I can say the things I want to say but also it gives him the opportunity to be completely honest without the embarrassment of a face to face conversation..... and I am being a bit of a coward as well...

Thanks for your kind words, really appreciated.

Truecap I'm hoping you might share some more of your wisdom with me ??_.. and I'm also interested in others opinions as well. Ok so I contacted my Cap man as I said I would (by message) and was very direct with him - was honest with him and told him that despite the difficulties/problems that I still liked him (first time I had ever told him) , asked him outright what he wanted to do in terms of continuing/seeing each other (as he had done to me on a previous occasion) but to make it easier for him also said that I realised that despite his father??s current infection having cleared up he still had lots of ongoing problems and that I fully assumed that we were done ??_. really letting him off the hook by putting the words in his mouth so that he didn't have to worry about upsetting me. I fully expected him to say — yea it's over and done?? but he didn't he responded by saying that he needed more time to reflect, that if he does something he has to give it 100% and that we should meet and talk in person and then signed off with a hug and kiss which he hadn't done for a while previously. I left him alone for another 3 weeks and then thought ??_ right, enough time - he needs to communicate what he is thinking so I messaged again to say.. look we need to speak soon because as this goes on I'm not sure what I want to do either etc which was the truth as I needed to put closure on things rather than sitting in limbo which doesn't suit me at all. So we met the following evening and had a fabulous date, he seemed as happy in my company as I was in his and the physical attraction between us was stronger than ever. We finally got round to speaking about us and the base line is that he asked me to have patience until he can get his life back so that he is in a position to dedicate time to himself and his personal life which I assume includes me ??_ or could —potentially?? include me . He is hoping that in the coming months/year his father will decide himself to go into a full time care home which really would be the best place for him as he would have companionship and professional care. As I have said before my understanding of the language isn't 100% so I don't get the subtlety of what is being said only the gist which is very frustrating when discussing something important and therefore he might be saying other things to me that I don't fully understand.

CONTINUE😱 He hasn't said what he actually thinks of me (and I doubt he knows himself) but he must like me as why else ask me to be patient? . So I agreed to be patiient as I think he is worth taking the chance but whether a Taurean??s idea of patience is the same as a Capricorn??s .... lol??_??_ well only time will tell. In the meantime I will continue to live my life ??_..

Now I am really interested to hear your opinion on this??_??_.. we talked about other things one of them being —relationships?? and he basically said he hasn't had any since splitting from his wife. When I pressed him on this it transpires that he has had several —flings?? which he said were purely sex and not relationships and lasted from 2 weeks to a month??_
Now we've now known each other for 8 months (and in the early days we saw a LOT of each other and regularly) and from the first date when we just held hands there was a really strong sexual spark between us. We have obviously progressed a long way from just holding hands ??_ cough cough??_??_ BUT have not actually had sex yet ??_??_. Just as we almost get to the point of —no return?? we stop or should I say he stops??_. Can anybody enlighten me on what's going on in his Capricorn head??_??_He definitely fancies me ??_ A LOT ??_ of that I am certain! So where does that put me—? I'm not a fling and I'm not a —relationship?? ??_what am I? I'm really interested to hear your thoughts on this ??_??_

Are you willing to wait that long? He said it could possibly be a year? That seems too long for me. It's up to you.

Meanwhile, I'd still talk to and date other people and when he finally gets free, then if you're not with someone else, sure! There are no hard feelings here, so if you're not already taken then I wouldn't see a problem picking up where you left off. I'd be honest with him about this so that he understands you're not going to wait around forever. (unless you want to).

Just don't wait around and miss opportunities. Don't let him string you along so that you miss out on someone else.

I'm thinking it could be a year but he is hoping in the coming months when he goes back to work and works evenings then his father will have to be on his own and may decide that he would rather be with other people in a home .... at least that is what my cap man is hoping.

I'm still living my life as I did before I met him and if I find someone I like then sure I will go on dates with them but there haven't been many that I am interested in or are in the right age bracket or single. What are your thoughts on the 'fling' and 'relationship' situation as in where do I fit into that and what could be going through his head...

Oh, the flings. Well, that's normal when someone first gets divorced. Rebounds? Getting some strange now that you can. Having a little fun. First getting out there and experiencing. Not a big deal as far as how he feels about you. I wouldn't be concerned about it.

If you guys weren't having sex like you said, he may really respect you and want something more with you eventually. Or you're the first one he's taken seriously.

I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the flings. If he was talking relationship with you, that means you're one he can see as relationship material.

No I'm not worried about the flings I was just interested as to why you thought he didn't push for sex with me, as I said he is usually the one to stop. He knows I am physically attracted to him and I'm not sure what would happen if he didn't have the restraint. This is something that I have never experienced before so I am wondering if it is just a capricorn thing. So with a cap when does the sex happen then .... when they decide that they are really interested and want to get serious. He blows hot and cold with the physical side as well.... its as if sometimes he just cannot keep the control and 'almost' let's go and then another time I can feel his restraint. Complicated man.......

"He blows hot and cold with the physical side as well.... its as if sometimes he just cannot keep the control and 'almost' let's go and then another time I can feel his restraint. Complicated man......."

This is how I am with my Taurus. I dont have anything to compare this issue to, but Im very mental, even when making out, and I just feel I sometimes bump into his thoughts which throws me off and snaps me completely out of whatever feeling I had. Its kind of frustrating. I think we both want to use the physical to make the other lose control as a way to guage feelings but it never works that way because we both know what the other is thinking. Idk.

I kind of see where e11e is going with her post. You can't expect a man in his position to answer any of your questions about the future and to function the way he would normally have. I do think, however, that you need to be selfish in some sense of the word. You need to find out what you can deal with, and only you can do that.

I'd say, don't wait for him, but don't close the door. A year? Well, no one could possibly gurantee that it won't be two...or even ten. Just be upfront, but don't put him against the wall(that's not fair to him, imo, because he couldn't possibly answer any of those questions at this point). When you feel you have waited long enough, tell him that when he finds himself in a more favourable position to give you a call..(not as harshly as that sounded, ofc, but you get the drift.)If you have found someone else during that time...well, only time will tell.

Tbh, I would read his abstinence with you in comparison to his earlier flings as a good sign.

HappyCapper I never asked him to answer any questions about the future nor did I put any pressure on him to see me. After his mother died in December I only messaged him a couple of times to tell him I was thinking of him and to offer my support but then he came out to see me before I went away for Christmas and after that we started to speak to each other again most days until we had the stand off the end of February. It was always him who suggested he get out for an evening so that we could spend some time together. He was desperately fed up with his situation and was trying to hold on some of himself. It was just a shame that we hadn't known each other for longer because if I had been 'official' then I would have been able to support him openly.

I won't wait for him forever to sort himself out because like you say it could take a long time but I'm not ready to give up on him just yet because it has only been 6 months and he has had a huge amount of things to deal with in that time. He is currently in the process of moving his father into a house that is more wheelchair friendly, and he is also due to go back to work very soon ... all of these things are positive. As I said earlier in my post I have given him two clear opportunities to close and finish things completely without any drama where I would step away quietly and let him get on with his life but he didn't take them and has since asked me to be patient until things get sorted so I am willing to wait it out for a little while longer to see what happens. We are speaking to each other again most days .... of course mostly initiated by me ;0).. but he makes sure he answers me straight away which is fine.

I haven't been on the dating scene much for many years so this is all new to me again and added to that I find myself involved with a 'complicated' Capricorn with family problems ..... and as I had already experienced the
'blowing hot and cold' scenario after the 7th date which I might add was only 9 days after we had started dating (we saw a lot of each other right from the start) ... I came on this board to try and get a hook and understanding on things and it has been very helpful.... thank you.

"I got back last week and emailed him some pics of something to do with his work that I knew he would really appreciate and he did by responding immediately to thank me..... 1. but there was no mention of anything personal nor even an enquiry as to how my holiday was or anything about me. So my questions are:

He had the opportunity to finish the relationship when we met for the coffee and I said about the lack of response indicated a lack of interest .... and he didn't ...... BUT also 2. he didn't reassure me either.

3. Would a Capricorn be up front enough to be able to say it to my face or by him saying 'he couldn't think about anything at the moment. his way of doing it. Also if he misunderstood what I was saying and thought maybe I was fed up with him and his problems would he be confident enough to contact me or do I need to spell it out for him. Part of me thinks I have nothing to lose to have 4. a final conversation with him to either put closure on it or to sort things out but I don't want to come across as a crazy lady who will not go away and who will not take 'the message' - excuse the pun. Any advice would most gratefully be received, thank you very much."

1. He may just have been preoccupied, don't you think? His mind may just have been with his ill and grieving father and not on your holiday escapades.

2. How is he supposed to be able to reassure you. To be able to do that he needs psychic powers. Asking for reassurance is asking him to answer questions about the future and it would indeed put pressure on him.

3. "He couldn't think about anything at the moment". He is telling you how he feels and you are trying to translate it into relationship terms. Take his word for it. You are not the only one there who knows you have comunication issues. If he wanted to make a statement by that(which I highly doubt), then he just has to be clearer about it, imo.

4. The last bit there: "to sort things out". Again, trying to do so or asking him to do that would be asking him about the future and it would put preassure on him.

You haven't made each other any promises - how could you possibly. You can not ask him for answers - you have to answer them yourself, which is ofc extreemely difficult in the face of everything. You just have to ask yourself what you can handle in this situation and go with that. Live your life, keep contact with him and if you start seeing another guys later on, then so be it. Just i

*The last bit there was supposed to be:

Just imo.

+1 HappyCapper

"Would a Capricorn be up front enough to be able to say it to my face or by him saying 'he couldn't think about anything at the moment. his way of doing it."

He was upfront, he couldn't think about anything much, which was his way of doing it.

It's unfortunate but he's unavailable. I would suggest you not put anymore of your energy into a man that is unavailable or you're going to be the one that ends up hurt, frustrated and disappointed. Nothing good comes out of a situation with a man whose unavailable. Granted his reasons are valid for being unavailable but it still doesn't change the fact that he can't be fully available to give you what it requires to be in a real full on relationship long term.

Get back out there and date again, be open and available, open your heart, the right man for you will show up for you.

Thank you very much for your comments/advice, as I said before I am continuing to live my life exactly as I did before I met him so what happens will happen in terms of meeting other people. Just to clarify what I meant by 'reassurance' and to 'sort things out' was to know that he was still interested BUT wasn't available at the moment because of problems. Taureans are very loyal and also very determined when we want something and we don't give up on things easily if we think there is even the smallest chance of success, but we then close the door quickly when we know its 'really' done.... I guess in some ways I was hoping that he would have said 'it was done' because its very hard to move on when there is even the smallest chance that things might work out ..... whereas I would be able to deal better with the 'closure' had he made the decision for me. I've had a lot of loss in my life so far which I have dealt with positively, the most difficult by far losing my husband suddenly just 3 months after giving up my career in the uk and moving to Italy. But I'm mentally very strong and have managed to stay on here and completely re-invent myself make a new life for myself.

We are also very patient if we think there is something worth being patient for and I would have been happy to have given him his time and get together occasionally only when it was no problem for him. It would have been a small compromise to make but I think this is where we are different again because he likes to give things 100% .

Anyway, thank you for your comments which I have taken on board.

"Just to clarify what I meant by 'reassurance' and to 'sort things out' was to know that he was still interested BUT wasn't available at the moment because of problems."

I understand that. But. Asking him this would be like asking him to string you along. He is probably interested, but he couldn't possibly say that, because doing so would make him a terrible person, just keeping you there hanging while he may take years to find out if there could be something real between the two of you, while not being avalable to you.

See what I mean?

Yes I can see what you mean and looking at it from that angle I guess you are right, he wouldn't want to string me along. But I suppose the fact that he hasn't taken the opportunities I have given him to close the door fully on it either indicates that he is PROBABLY interested but to use his words, he cannot dedicate himself to it.

I shall live my life as I always do and see where it takes me ..... and who knows what is around the corner for me .... but right now I hope it is my Cap man.

Why do we women need closure!! Just close the door already. You close it and that's your closure.

When we women sit around needing closure from a man that is unavailable it drives a woman nuts and it makes her feel needy and insecure and that smelly energy keeps her from moving on and meeting a great NEW guy. Even though you say you're living your life you're also emotionally and mentally STUCK.

He does not need to close the door. If he's not giving you the proper relationship you desire then you close the door. Empathize but firstly be true to yourself.

Men in general that make half ass attempts are not interested (enough) Ouch it hurts but it's the reality. A man that is into you will be on his best behavior because he want to impress you and not run you off with his half ass behavior.

My husband has a male friend going through a similar situation as your Cap but he's very available to the new woman in his life despite the hardship of taking care of an ailing parent. It's the man's decision/choice to be open and available or be half assed depending on how he feels.

Your Cap is not interested enough (right now) so he doesn't make much of an effort. Just be real with yourself about the situation which gives you closure.

Now if the Cap comes around and begins to make a consistent effort then we can all reassess your situation.

tiki33 everything you say is true, it is driving me nuts and making me feel needy and insecure and I hate it .... I've just got to act on it now and let it go and as you say if he is interested enough then he will pursue me. It's difficult to accept your words (ouch it really does hurt) but its a wake up call and I need to get real about this whole situation and stop focusing on what might have been.

Tiki knows her stuff! I'd pay attention to what she has to say.

Hi there I am back on the boards again hoping that Truecap ( or anyone else who has an opinion )might be able to give me some pearls of wisdom regarding my current situation. Without going into the full details of why and wherefore, despite my Cap man asking me to have patience until he could sort his life out, two weeks later (middle of May) we had a fall out over something and I finished with him (by message) and told him to take his things that he had left at my house – he didn’t respond nor take his stuff.
At the same time, he also happened to move into a house in my small village along with his invalid father which meant that inevitably we were bound to pass by each other. To get to my home I have to drive past his house so the first half a dozen times it happened we completely froze each other out and drove past without acknowledging. On another occasion he arrived at the village store whilst I was at the water pump and went out of his way to avoid driving past me. But then a few weeks later in the same situation he actually stopped at the pump just as I was about to leave and we exchanged a polite ‘good morning’. After that he would honk or wave whenever we drove past.
Having resisted the initial urge to throw them in the bin .. lol… as we were now being a bit more civil to each other, 5 weeks ago I decided to message my Cap man to remind him that his stuff was still at my house and what/where should I do with them…… They are work things which he will be needing in the coming months. My message to him was friendly brief/to the point to which he responded immediately, asked after my welfare and said that as soon as he could we should meet up and he will take them. Then by ABSOLUTE coincidence a few days later we physically met in the village store … well he tapped me on the shoulder and came and stood next to me. He was very friendly and chatty but in this situation my nature is to ‘self-preserve’ so I was friendly but really quite aloof and didn’t say much to him and just got on with my shopping.
Fast forward 3/4 weeks… total silence and barely a sighting of each other when totally out of the blue I get a message from one of his friends asking how I am and if I had time to take a coffee/dinner. When I met my Cap man he mostly hung out with two single ladies, one which he tolerated and the other he liked/ respected because of her intelligence- this is the one who contacted me. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in over 4 months, but I knew she had seen my Cap man just a few days previously at her daughter’s birthday party because she had posted some photos on a social media site. Anyway, I agreed last Thursday for dinner and we arranged to meet for a drink first in the local town. TO BE CONTINUED ...

CONTINUE😱 She was friendly and charming as always and suggested that I travel with her to the restaurant. As we were walking to her car my Cap man arrived and parked next to it and (quickly) accepted her invitation to join us !!!!. I didn’t know what to think or do…. WTF was it planned or just pure coincidence. It was a pleasant evening , we chatted generally and then said goodbye and left.

THEN on Saturday I was out with a single friend and we stopped at an all- night coffee/shop bar on the way home and as we arrived my Cap man was walking out the door to go home (it was already 2am) but came back in to buy us a drink and we ended up chatting until 4.30am.
I have no idea what is going on and wonder if he is playing mind games with me? . He knows I like him or should I say he knows that I liked him ‘before’ and told me once that when he is finished with someone if they happen to meet he just says ‘ciao’ and walks by because it’s done and what’s the point ….. AND I still have his stuff as it hasn’t been mentioned by either of us …. Any clues about this …. I thought Caps were meant to be straightforward.

"my Cap man" lol, why do you keep calling him your man? Are you being straightforward...like do you think he's aware that you are still interested and claiming him?

You never really said why you broke it off either. I think he likes you, but I can see difficulty in your behavior. You would still be icing him out if he didnt break the ice and speak to you, and you are still in self preservation mode. Thats cool and all, but not a true reflection of what you feel. I cant say if he'll be willing to push through that or not, realizing that youd withdraw and display emotional dishonesty in order to protect yourself. He's probably just trying to analyze things and figure his own emotions out while showing that he's still around.

btw, i get the behavior. im a cap woman, but its hard to play these self preservation games when its earth/earth. someone has to be the bigger person and push through this if you want anything out of it.

Inana 04 I only call him 'my' Cap man because I don't know how else to reference him on these boards.

I cannot be certain that he knows I am still interested in him BUT he does know that he was in the wrong when we fell out in May and surely he can work it out for himself because of that? He knows that I liked him before that .....

I feel that he owes me an explanation on what happened in May (well actually I NEED it) and even an apology but I know he hates conflict so that probably won't happen and OK I've been aloof and not as warm as I usually am but I was friendly enough when we spent time together last week.

Also from what I understand about Capricorns they need reassurance before they make an approach ..... but they also like to do ALL the chasing ..... and given that I did all the work the beginning of this year in terms of messaging him first and keeping in contact- which I regret and consider a mistake - how do I reassure him without looking like I'm chasing - I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Since writing this message yesterday he wrote a very warm birthday message on my daughters Facebook - I was really surprised as its something he hasn't done for ages, well since before his mother died when he was well into me and still trying to impress me ..... Or maybe I'm reading too much into it and it means nothing.

Incidentally my daughter thinks that he isn't aware how I feel about him, I'm strong and independent and hide my feelings well and to outer appearance I am just getting on with things plus in May I told him I was disappointed in him which he wouldn't have liked to hear.

So what should I do .... sit and wait and hope that if he's interested he will eventually make a move or not .... We don't move in the same social circles which means that the chances of us being in the same room at the same time is rather slim. I can chase him up again about returning his stuff but that could be the wrong message as I have a feeling that as he hasn't taken them from me since May, he thinks as I do that returning/collecting his stuff is the final door closing. Any clues —?

Hi Caplove thank you very much for your message and advice. I think maybe I didn't quite make myself clear in my message - I didn't have an outing with him planned I made arrangements with his FEMALE friend to meet HER for a drink and go on for pizza in the local town which is actually quite big - 50,000 odd people.

Yes of course it may have been pure coincidence that he happened to arrive at the cafe just as we were leaving as he knows this cafe very well .... but what I didn't mention before is that is was just about to close and he would have known that as well .... but it may have been just coincidence. Plus it may have been pure coincidence that his friend contacted me after such a long time when she had just spent an evening with him .... plus his contract had just finished on the Monday (3 weeks early) which meant he wasn't working in the evenings.

Interestingly, talking about having another person on our outing ..... he brought his two female friends along on our first date .... its very much an Italian thing, they go out and dine in big groups and in fact we only ever went out for dinner once completely on our own and that's when I treated him to a birthday meal. We spent a lot of time on our own but usually later into the night when we were out, or when he came round and I cooked dinner for just the two of us. Culturally, it is very different from what I am used to but actually I quite like it.

When I messaged him to finish, I let him know that I knew some things about him from other people that he hadn't told me...... he wouldn't have liked that I knew them and he would have been embarrassed and his avoidance of me in the beginning I think was dealing with that embarrassment. We obviously haven't discussed them so he really has no idea of what my view on them are so in one way it wouldn't surprise me too much if he is trying to work out what my thoughts are given that I know what I know.

UPDATE: So things have changed again between the Capricorn man and myself and I'm NOW more confused...... A month ago when we met him at the bar, he agreed to help my friend try and find a job at the place he works and told me to let him know when I had received her Curriculum Vitae ..... I sent him a message asking for his email address so that I could forward it to him electronically... I wanted to see what he would say, whether he would accept it via email or whether he would want to meet up with me to take it in person. I had already decided that I was not going to mention anything about what had happened between us back in May unless he did first . It was the latter and we arranged to meet for a coffee and then when we met he asked if I had the time to join him for dinner that evening and I agreed. So we had dinner together and chatted about everything (BUT NOTHING ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED) he even bought me a red rose!!! BUT apart from that it was purely platonic.... not even a hand hold.

I messaged next day and thanked him for dinner and said it would be my turn to pay the next time. He responded immediately - just a quick message and that was that. I sent him another quick message later that week to ask if he had managed to secure the house he was trying to rent as we had been discussing this at dinner and unfortunately for him it had fallen through. Without going into all the details I told him about a house I knew that was vacant (a friend of mine) and as it was most urgent that he move... if he wanted I could enquire whether they would consider renting it short term to him..... He was interested in the house and my friend agreed so we met up a few days later and I showed it to him..... etc. Just a few days after that he asked me to dinner again to discuss some details .....on the message he called me 'darling' which he hadn't done for a long time before. took me to my favourite restaurant - this time no roses hahaha! ... and we had another pleasant evening together chatting away... in fact probably getting to know more about each other than we did previously because its now platonic and not so intense. CONTINUE😱

CONTINUE😱 I've carried on living my life as normal i.e. going out with my friends etc and having lots of fun so last Saturday I went to a Halloween party and some pics of me with another man hugging and holding my hand was tagged to my Facebook page. On Sunday out of the blue I got a message from him saying that hopefully we could organise dinner together again soon - I didn't respond.... On Monday afternoon he messaged again and invited me to dinner that evening but I told him I was busy (it was the truth) and on Tuesday he invited me again and this time I accepted. Again a lovely evening, lots of chatting (still avoiding anything personal that we could argue over) no romance BUT THEN he invited me to lunch at his house next day WITH HIS FATHER!

Given the Italian culture where being introduced to family is taken seriously and the fact that his ex wife (they are not divorced but have been separated for 5 years) is still very much part of the family ..... I was absolutely shocked with the invite but accepted and had a v nice lunch there.
Now I am really asking myself what the heck is going on ….. what is he thinking?. Given that his situation regarding caring for his father is not going to change any time soon - i.e. his father doesn’t want to go to a home or have a live in carer - is he now trying to bring me in to his life. I also get the feeling that I am being tested at the moment i.e. patience, whether I fit in his life etc etc

Any insight— Does this sound like normal Capricorn behaviour? Also Is it normal that a Capricorn would rather start all over again rather than discuss previous problems…. I get the feeling from him that he doesn’t like conflict.

I'm really hoping to get some advice on this please ,,,,, Things have progressed since I last posted.... I've now been seeing the Capricorn man again since September.. initially on a platonic basis but a month that changed and we now have an intimate relationship ,,, after one year! He messages me everyday and usually first as I now make sure that I wait for him to do that, and we see each other maybe twice a week. He is different this time.... more affectionate and tactile with me in front of people even kissing me (and I mean properly) publicly and in front of his friends. I know he likes me ... on one of his messages last night he told me I'm the only beautiful thing in his life....
I've also been different this time, I don't give him so much sympathy but more practical support. I’m trying to allow him to move the relationship forward at his pace without trying to influence it .... I am interested to see where he is taking it. The culture and language difference continues to be a problem but now I tell him IMMEDIATELY in a logical way when he has behaved in a way I don't like... This has only happened a couple of times and although he argues back at the time he then shows me that he has taken my comments on board by not behaving in that manner again. He seems to have accepted the situation that he is stuck with looking after his father and is now trying to combine it with having his own life as well.
So here is where I need advice: We are restricted when we can see each other as I work some evenings in the week and then he often has family commitments at the weekend. We speak every day and know we are going to see each other so often make the plan on the day for that evening... this is also a cultural thing here in the South of Italy. He explained to me that if his family just turn up to see their grandfather, which they do when they want.... he doesn't always know how long they are going to stay .... which I accepted because we are not official yet with his children. I thought the next stage would be an introduction to them.
Last Saturday night I wasn't expecting him to be free because it was the anniversary of his mother's death so I had made arrangements to have friends to dinner. However he called me early evening to say he could escape so I invited him also during which he got into a deep conversation with one of my friends and told her the problems. It is not with his children but with his ex wife (they are separated for 8 years but not divorced) and she is still v much part of the family and comes to the house regularly (unexpectedly) to see his father. If she finds me there she will go mad and take revenge on him!!! He also said everyone in his family assumes he is single and expect him to be available when they want…
I'm not happy with this situation so what is the best way to change it..... Do I continue to have patience and let him work it out himself or do I try to force the issue—?

Im just bumping this up hoping for some comments/advice

Thank you FrenchKpricorn..do you mean have patience and let him deal with it OR that she will lose interest. This is only a recent problem.... they have only just started speaking again properly in the last year since his mother died and she cooks and does the washing for him and his father but recently (in the last few weeks) she has been helping him a lot as he has just moved house ... but she is there nearly every day and she comes and goes when she likes.

He asked her why she was helping him so much, if she wants to come back into the marriage and she said no, he makes her too unhappy .... but I suspect she probably knows that he is seeing someone and that is the real reason...

Champranger he told me when we first met that they agreed not to bother with a divorce unless they met someone else who wanted to get married. This is Southern Italy and very traditional and divorce is still a bit of a taboo ..... separation seems to be ok but not divorce... and from what I gather the law is quite old fashioned and favours the woman whether children are under age or not...

From his point of view he is financially better off by only being separated and she is probably keeping face in front of people... There is a huge amount of that here! Officially because they are still married she is part of the family and is consulted on issues and she HAS A RESPONSIBILITY to take care of the extended family as well. Very strange and very old fashioned. I haven't had the opportunity to speak to him alone since he spoke to my friend to ask about the problem but I imagine the threat of a divorce (even if she hasn't said it out loud) COULD be the reason why he is letting her control his personal life. We haven't committed to each other but he has said things that indicates he is looking at us as a relationship and the fact that he spoke about this situation with his EX leads me to think that he has been thinking of trying to include me in the family as it plays such a huge part of life here,

Yes that is a problem. His children have told him that they never want him to get back with their Mom... and apparently his father accepts that he might meet another woman ( I had lunch with his father and him 3 weeks ago but as a friend and not 'official girlfriend .... softly softly...) and apparently his children wouldn't have a problem ... according to him....but as it has been 8 years and he hasn't been in a proper relationship ... the whole family just assume he is single.

Yes I think this needs a little patience and you are right ....not too much pressure from me at the moment...

He is obviously considering/analysing the potential problem at the moment given that he spoke about it (and within earshot of me) on Saturday and on Friday just a day before he sent me a message to say - that we can spend more time together soon,his problems are almost finished, he hopes .... I've not had an opportunity to speak to him about the message as we have not been alone ... maybe he has got a plan in his head ... but then he dropped the '.bombshell ' about his wife on Saturday and its really thrown me.

I've read as much as I possibly can.

Taurus58 move on okay. You have to get on with your life. Why sit around mulling over a man that is UNAVAILABLE and carries so much unresolved baggage. You can do better, I hope you know that you can.

One of the biggest errors we women make is allowing ourselves to romantically attach ourselves to men that are unavailable. Your situation is not unique but you must move on and if he seriously need and want you he'll go above and beyond to have you and keep and if that means divorcing and getting his father a live in nurse he'll do it but until then it's best for you to let this go because the more invested you are the more you're going to hurt over this situation.