Finding my balance (a vent session)

My mind is a total clusterfuck right now. I need to have control of my inner self and have a balance in my life otherwise it feels like the whole world is going to crumble around me. I can normally handle one or two slight imbalances in aspects of my life because everything else is in balance, I am able to put focus and attention where is needs to be. I am usually a very positive person with a strong outlook on life. But I have felt so overwhelmed in a vicious cycle of imbalance for almost two years and every time it seems to get better or get a handle on things something happens to throw a wrench into it and everything crumbles that has been built up and stabilized. I am at this precipice now, where it feels like ground is crumbling beneath me and every aspect of my life is effective.
First, the prodigal —ex??husband returns on Monday from his out of country excursion. This has already sent me tail spinning. I have made some great strides within myself to start mourning the relationship and the loss and I am afraid him returning will scrap off the scabs and make the wounds bleed. Yes, he is being a typical Leo, he told me Friday he wanted his family together. Uh, we have been apart for many months now and you have yet to show me one ounce of effort to what I need from you. And his view is, I let him move back in or he returns out of country and works where he is now and come visit —us?? every 3-6 months. —He is unable to make it here without having to work three jobs.?? Well, yeah, because you left one career to go back to school and you found school was not for you so you want your music and refuse to go back to your old career even though you have already had two job offers. You have no marketable skill sets to get a job or career that you would be making decent enough money out of the cage. Shit I worked three jobs when I was in school FT, three kids, and your wife. I still worked two jobs for many years and even went back to three jobs after I got my degree because I had to work my way up the later and gain experience in my field to get the money to support us.

It basically comes down to; he has never had to stand on his own two feet in his whole life. He doesn't know what it takes to struggle and work hard to put yourself where you need to be. He has never made his own decisions, he bitchs and gripes I controlled everything, but then turns to me and expects me to make his decisions for him still and gets mad when I say, I have no say in that, it your decision.
So if he returns to where he is at now in a couple of months, I will be left with picking up the pieces and putting them back together for our children when he leaves. I am still doing, but have come so far on repairing. At first I was feeling, I am just being selfish with me not wanting him to come back the kids need to see their farther, then I look at it, he is coming back and then leaving again and it will shatter them all over again. Why can't you stay gone?
I know he is going to try me when he gets back and there will be drama from him because I am still firm on where I stand on things. And I am still pretty much at the point of closing the door on the marriage and just in the holding pattern until the length of time has passed required by law for me to file for the divorce. I just don't want to go through the drama and rollercoaster of emotions again. I had gotten evened out and now I feel all the work I have done will be wasted.
Second, things at work are bad. I just returned after a long medical leave due to surgery. In the time I was gone, my boss??s position was —eliminated?? and they brought someone else in. During this elimination, he threw me under the bus. New boss comes in and speak to a few people who I am suppose to support and they tell him the truth, they feel they are not getting the support from me they need, but he hasn't spoken to me about it and gives me the cold shoulder. If I am told by my boss my priority has to be XYZ all the time and if the people I am suppose to support starts giving asking for things to send them to him and he will talk with them, even if it is against my better judgment, what am I suppose to do? Do what my boss says. I have even asked him one time to email these people and advise them I had a hard stop deliverable for him and I could get on their request on this day. He said no; just send them over to me. So, I am not sure where my job stands. Of course I am on the market and looking for another position.

Had an interview this week and have had 3 nibbles in the past day from 3 different companies on positions I applied for. Not too bad so far in a hunt I started 3 weeks ago. But still stressful. I think I have a better handle on things once I found out what happened and why my new boss seemed to be giving me the cold shoulder. I still need to address this with him.
Third, I have the kids still. I won't go into their lives to much, but trying to give them a balance and assurance has been hard. I have come so far with them and yet it feels like I have not made any progress. Their poor lives were uprooted and flipped upside down with the move and their dad and me splitting and him leaving the country. I just want more than anything for them to be healthy and happy. To protect their innocence and remain kids.
Fourth, I am battling with my feelings over Virgo friend. I wanted to wait and get a little further into where things where when the ex was here, before I expressed anything to my Virgo Friend, that yes I have been falling for him. No, not to get into a relationship with him if it is reciprocated right now, but more to get it off my chest (Reference Tell someone your feelings to get closure? post: hits it right on the nail) and to know where he stands with me. Whether there is a future possibility or I am forever friend zoned so I know how to address my own feelings. I am OK with either situation; I just don't want to push him away. His friendship is very very important to me. He has seen the side of me that I keep bottled up and hidden from the general public, and I have exposed my vulnerabilities to him, so I trust him with me and that is a trust so seldom given out. I am pretty sure he knows I have feelings for him, the guy has studied me enough to know me and he is not dumb. I am on the fence on his feelings for me, which is why I am in this predicament. These feeling and the need to express has put me through added stress that I don't need. I have tried to back off of him within our communications and —talk?? myself out of my feelings and in a way he is taboo. And of course he always contacts me to check up on me or my day or say some random thing, which does always make me smile. So I am trying to figure out if I should address it now but afraid I will push him away as my friend. And if I do it now, it would have to be through electronic correspondence or phone and I wanted to do this confessional in person.

I just needed to vent, this entire imbalance has not been healthy for me, nor those around me because I have been either closed up tight or lashing with little patience. I don't express myself to anyone at this time but my Virgo friend (and he has gone through what I am going through) but my problem is, I am so damn analytical and I over analyze everything. I really am trying to take the advice given to me here (I think seraph or mountlion said it) and not get carried away with the big picture. It is just hard and with the anonymity of this place I can put it out here instead of keeping it locked inside.

Sorry for the book I wrote.

Well I read everything and it sounds like you have your shit together, you are just worried about what the outcome will be. This is out of your control, you are laying the ground work and doing the steps you need to do to create a positive outcome. You just have to wait and let the pieces fall into place. You are aware of how your husband acts, aware that he will not change, have been with him long enough to know he won't change, so continue to do what you are doing and keep your wits about you. You know your husband, and know how he is going to create drama, you're anticipating it, and this is preparing you to overcome what he will try and dish out. You're doing great so far, just keep it up!!

With your job, you have already taken steps to find new employment, you just need to have a sit down with the new boss and ease his fears and let him know that you know your job and will continue doing your best at it. Either way, you will either have a new job or be satisfied at your current position.

Everything will just take a little more time and you just have to keep pushing and reassuring yourself that things will work out. As long as you are happy with the decisions you have made, know that everything will be fine in the long run!

You are a strong women and are doing a fabulous job with what you have been given! Just stay strong and keep pushing forward. 🙂

Posted by Jynja
Saggurl88 - Your moon shineth through... how beautiful 🙂

Thanks! I'm always so optimistic, I'm just trying to tell her what she knows but can't quite grasp.

Posted by saggurl88

Posted by Jynja
Saggurl88 - Your moon shineth through... how beautiful 🙂

Thanks! I'm always so optimistic, I'm just trying to tell her what she knows but can't quite grasp.

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Jynja is right. It is beautiful! Thank you! People say all the time how strong I am and how I always bounce back but I just don't feel it. They don't seen the worn and unraveling string I am holding everything together with that can snap any minute. You are right, I am aware of what is coming and I have already set the ground work up the best I can in my situations instead of running into it haphazardly. Just emotionally and mentally I am drained from the past two years and it seems like every time I seem to be getting my life put back together, it ripped right back from me. All I want is a break.

I am working right now on reflection. I have faced and overcame many adversities in my life and even beat death a couple of time and I have always come back kicking and stronger and just wee bit wiser. I am trying to focus all my mental energy on the reflection and what tools I used to overcome the adversities instead of using my energy on wasted worries of the unknown.

Thank you for your beautiful insight and slap in the face. 🙂

Thank you oh wise seraph. Yes, I always work best talking things out even if it is to myself. It helps me put things in perspective and there are great people on this board!!