Questioning the plan

Cliff Notes: Seeing Leo since last May. He will not get serious due to the fact that I am still separated. Although he talks about future stuff all the time and we clearly have deep affection for one another and he's said before he's "confident" and "more than patient". Fast forward - my divorce is close now. Txt 'fight' with Leo last Fri & Sat, started by me, due to feeling taken advantage of for doing some graphic design work for him and him not appreciating it. His last txt on Sat. "Stop it!!!" I did. Monday I sent one email with some explaination and apology and one txt later stating that I was not on my period. No response.

My original plan (which I detailed on page 3 of BigGirlPanties?? thread —And so it goes??) was to wait til this evening and send one txt saying —Seems you do not value my sincerity and integrity when I take it upon myself to admit a failing. I did not deserve your silent punishment. I do not need this.?? With the intention of showing him I'm not going to put up with his shit.

Ok, so now I'm seriously questioning my plan. Part of me feels like he expects me to be confident in what we have and let him have some peace until he's ready (especially since HE??S been fed! HE??S received contact — something from me (Monday) — so perhaps in his world he doesn't feel its been that long, where for me its been since Sat and normally 4 days is not a long time, but when there's unresolved tension, it seems unfair to not at least COMMUNICATE that space is needed or something.)

Now I feel that if I send that txt, he will again be fed, but also see it as hostile and threatening and pull even farther away. So is it best just to wait him out? Wait til he gets —hungry— And hope that it shows I have the fortitude to be strong and confident or even maybe that he??ll start wondering WHAT I'm feeling/doing in his absence?

My thought/worry was that it will look like his silence is OK with me and really it isn't. It pisses me off and seems unjust. I do NOT want him to think I'm a doormat that will accept any sort of treatment he dishes. UUGGHH!!!!!

In writing this out, I actually feel like I answered my own question in a way...Quiet confidence is the way to go, but the waiting will be torture. I like to resolve things and move on. When he comes back around (which he will because he isn't the type to end it like this), I can then calmly explain how I wished he'd communicated that he needed space.

Like in any game, one does not get two turns in a row. I made my peace on Monday...my move. From all I've read here about how not to chase Leos, I must conform. Next must be his.

Doll, you know Im in a similar boat as you. So you have my empathy. What I have learned, the hard way, is to accept the confusion, to stop trying to control a response or reaction from a man, and be still. Acceptance....that is the solution. To get into acceptance and peace. His only answer you may get is his silence. Men cannot, I repeat CANNOT stand pressure from a woman. their brains are too simple to deal with that.

I went from a lovely weekend and developing intimacy with the sag to distancing and now silent detachment. If you read my update yesterday you will see that with the gentle but firm intervention of good friends who could view my situation with objectivity, I was reacting totally wrong. To get the outcome I want, which is communication from him, I had to let go totally. A young aqua man co-worker told me last night to "let him fly". When he flies away he needs to do whatever he does then. Maybe he will see life isnt greener without me and returns. I have to fly my own way in the mean time and take care of me. We have to let go of what we want, not force it to conform to our way and if its meant to be it will return.

Let go, let the universe bring him to you if its meant to me. You cannot control anyone to do, be or feel what you want. It has to com organically. For today, I am focusing on a lot of crap Ive been avoiding: work, financial crap, taking care of my body and definitely my mind. I listen to a lot of Eckhart Tolle, to teach me how to live in *this moment...not the past when things with him were lovely, nor the future of how I want things to be with us, but just this moment.

Be still.

Ahhh, thank you BGP! And I'm a fan of Tolle too...just not always easy to "just be" and "stay present". I do feel best when I feel like I have a plan....and my plan is just that...to let go as you say. What will be, will be. Acceptance.

I, myself, have booked myself pretty solid to distract my obsessive thinking. Did my workout, getting hair done in a bit, tomorrow I have 3 appts., and my entire weekend thru Tues. I will be away LIVING my life.

Sounds like we're in a good place. 🙂

"Take the action and the feeling will follow"...

I made a date with an aries for tomorrow night, valentines. lol. I dont particularly like the guy but he is persistent and I want to stay busy. Plus at least I can say I have a date on valentines.😛

My "plan" is to do *ME*. You're new plan sounds awesome....keep putting one foot in front of the other...a day, hour, moment at a time.

WE are AWESOMENESS!!

NEVER make 'plans' that involve an unknown element cos they can never pan out the way you foresee things.

the more you push this man, the more he will dread the fact that there's some kind of impending commitment he has to make cos of your divorce being close and what he may have hinted at before. men can't handle how women seem to change when they develop feelings for a man and so they run for cover to process.

one thing you can guarantee is that if something is meant to happen, it just WILL. believe that with all your heart and his silence will cease to bother you 🙂

Posted by R1g0rM0rT1s
NEVER make 'plans' that involve an unknown element cos they can never pan out the way you foresee things.

the more you push this man, the more he will dread the fact that there's some kind of impending commitment he has to make cos of your divorce being close and what he may have hinted at before. men can't handle how women seem to change when they develop feelings for a man and so they run for cover to process.

one thing you can guarantee is that if something is meant to happen, it just WILL. believe that with all your heart and his silence will cease to bother you 🙂

Yes, R1, the LAST thing I want is for him to feel that I am in some way doing this (divorcing) because of HIM. He may be backing off to make sure. Time will tell if we are to continue. Thank you for the wisdom and support, ladies!! Muah!

LOL. So last night, during my "thinking", I remembered something I read on here that sometimes men just don't know what to say and in thinking over the situation, I wondered if this was the case with my Leo. I also started to figure that he may fear that if he say anything, I might launch back into the fight or want to talk about it (God forbid, since men hate to rehash, right?).

I thought about today being Valentines and how he may also feel bad about not saying anything and that causing even more tension sooooooo...I thought it best I say something funny and light...just to let him know I'm over the argument and to relieve any tension he may be feeling. I know, I know...I'm TOO nice (haha), but alternatively I felt it would also let me truly see where he is. If he didn't respond (TODAY OF ALL DAYS), well, I'd pretty much know I'm toast and he's an asshole and I can get on with grieving and moving on. And if he did, I could gauge his response and play it cool.

So, with that, I chose to txt this around the time I knew he'd be waking. "Hi! I trust all is well. Happy VD!! lol"

He texted back a little while later with a quip and laffs. And from there communication is restored. We kept it light and he filled me in on what he's got going on (of his own accord, not my pressing). I said I had a busy day in store as well and wished him luck on his important appt he has today.

I think I was right. He just didn't want to rehash and feared saying anything. I'm glad I let a few days go by but not toooo many. I learned a lot and I actually think I earned some points. Level headed calm and giving space. Is this Aries growing up?? 😉

Posted by AriesinLuuuv
LOL. So last night, during my "thinking", I remembered something I read on here that sometimes men just don't know what to say and in thinking over the situation, I wondered if this was the case with my Leo. I also started to figure that he may fear that if he say anything, I might launch back into the fight or want to talk about it (God forbid, since men hate to rehash, right?).

I thought about today being Valentines and how he may also feel bad about not saying anything and that causing even more tension sooooooo...I thought it best I say something funny and light...just to let him know I'm over the argument and to relieve any tension he may be feeling. I know, I know...I'm TOO nice (haha), but alternatively I felt it would also let me truly see where he is. If he didn't respond (TODAY OF ALL DAYS), well, I'd pretty much know I'm toast and he's an asshole and I can get on with grieving and moving on. And if he did, I could gauge his response and play it cool.

So, with that, I chose to txt this around the time I knew he'd be waking. "Hi! I trust all is well. Happy VD!! lol"

He texted back a little while later with a quip and laffs. And from there communication is restored. We kept it light and he filled me in on what he's got going on (of his own accord, not my pressing). I said I had a busy day in store as well and wished him luck on his important appt he has today.

I think I was right. He just didn't want to rehash and feared saying anything. I'm glad I let a few days go by but not toooo many. I learned a lot and I actually think I earned some points. Level headed calm and giving space. Is this Aries growing up?? 😉

sorry but i'm not entirely sure you HAVE grown up although that was your choice of words and i don't think this is an issue of maturity at all.

so you basically 'restored' communication by texting him as though nothing had happened?

to an extent you're right....you got a response but you also gave him the message that you're just FINE with being a doormat and he can ignore you when he likes from now on cos you don't even expect an explanation!!

you have to take the focus of what he may or may not be thinking or feeling as far as you're concerned and concentrate on putting yourself first. don't be a doormat!!!! and remember....had you not contacted him, it's unlikely he would've contacted you and so you have

and so you have in effect achieved absolutely nothing.

I do see your point, but its hard to evaluate without full extent of the txt fight. He was calm and not nasty. I was. He told me to "buzz off on this one" not "fuck off completely"...and I didn't listen and kept at him, swinging wildly from one emotion to another. I was in the wrong here.

well if you want to demean yourself by donning the sack cloth and ashes, it's up to you. what you should ask yourself is WHY you started the fight with him and how he may have felt to have been on the receiving end of your nastiness. put yourself in his shoes but don't martyr yourself over it!!!