Am I a bad person for not wanting to lend something? (warning: long. Venting..and confused.)

Recently, my dad has set the router to disconnect at night. He just unplugs it out of

pure spite if he hears me Skyping. (I'm using Mobile Hot-spot right now)

I had tried to believe so many times that his controlling behavior was just to

"look out" for me.

But for years now, he has been helicopter-"parenting" me and he yells that it's

always for my "own good".

He's called me so many names....

he's called me a bitch, a leech (even though he told me *not* to get a job in the past and now he's mad that I did what he said), he's looked through all of my boxes

when I wasn't looking, he's looked through my things and re-arranged my room when I wasn't looking, he put spyware on my computer when I was 17, ....the list.goes.on.

"He's ruining my life" is a very cliche "teen quote". That quote also feels like a fucking understatement.

But, it's so crippling to feel that your parents are a major setback.

I hate it.

I know they mean well but...

When my dad dropped me off to college, he just looked at me when I got out of the car and said "Oh man, I wish I was you.. I wanna take classes"

Then, I decided to go into a modeling audition. I thought it'd be fun. Just something for myself, not too serious. The manager loved me and said he wanted me back.

I was hesitant to go because I knew I had to get my dad to drive me there. And he always acts 'over-involved'. He either critizises everything, or comments on everything I do.

After that audition, he was so happy and said "HEY I LOOKED UP ALL OF THE POSES FOR MODELS AND RUNWAYS SO I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO WALK." (like, who tf asked you?)

It was supposed to involve me only.

It felt...like...."what's the point in doing this anymore. I feel so much hatred, I can't even enjoy this anymore. Just because he got involved."

I cried for so long after that.

So from then, I just chose to do what I liked in secret. If I like something, I keep it a secret. I put on a poker-face when he's around since he doesn't like me

expressing something negative. If I roll my eyes or frown, he takes it as an offense and threatens to kick me out (I wish I was exaggerating).

I wear headphones almost all the time, because he can't critizise what he can't hear. So if I wear headphones, at least he won't ruin music for me.

Then, my mom said that the pianist in the church saw that I had interest in piano, and told my mom to ask me if I wanted to learn for free.

I've always had a knack for (and loved) music and art, so I said yes.

My dad had to drive me there and he saw the pianist's studio and everything. The pianist was focused on me, and my dad was focused on how I talked to the pianist

(he likes to contro- I mean, "comment" on how I talk to people as well).

*When my dad was driving me back home, he told me the story of how, "When I was 6 years old, my dad wanted to win a big organ in a raffle but he didn't win. So he

bought me a a toy one instead. I wanted to learn so badly but couldn't. All these years I wanted to learn piano but couldn't."....he is 53 now. I'm pretty sure if he really

wanted to learn *that* seriously all of those years, he would have bought at least a keyboard piano instead of a big-screen TV, spyware (not sure if he bought that

or not), and other things. He just suddenly remembered his huge interest in piano when *I* went to take classes for it.

So when he knocked on my door to ask, "Hey...I have a question. I decided to do something for myself for once. And practice the piano. Because when I'm 70 and go blind,

I want to play the piano in churches and get payed. So I was wondering if you found the adapter for the piano so I can borrow it meanwhile I'm not at work."

(The keyboard piano needs the adapter in order to work). I was mildly in shock but then annoyed. Then majorly disturbed. I didn't know what to think. And I still don't know



"I think it's time that I look out for myself for once." I feel so digsusting and selfish for thinking that.

I know it's a good thing to think about myself for once, but it's been so ingrained in my mind that it's supposed to be a bad thing.

But hearing him ruin something I love, feels like

It feels like the piano isn't even something that's mine anymore. Or if I played any piano. I just feel guilty when I press the keys. I hate it.

I feel like I want to fucking cut myself or hurt myself really badly. Or do something violent (of course I won't , jail isn't worth going into for a lilb!tch)

Because my main two outlets (music and the internet) have been taken away from me.



I love modeling, playing the piano, drawing, singing,

but....

on the modeling..whenever I think about it. I get flashbacks and an impulse that feels like rage. (I don't express it, of course. I've gotten used to not expressing anything..only in my writing)

I desperately don't want the same thing to happen with the piano just by hearing him practice. He mentally tortured me and now he wants to learn what I have been

practicing ?

Answers for possible questions:

"Can't you move with your mom?"- I'd rather not move in with someone who used to hit me.

"Can't you move out?" - That is easier said than done. Like no shit I'm planning to, lmao.

I just want to find ways on how to cope a little better in this hurricane.

I just want to know that I'm not crazy for

not wanting to lend my dad the piano.

Or selfish, or bad..I've already been guilt-tripped almost all my life for petty shit. But this feels more than personal. I don't want the piano ruined for me just by hearing him play (I hate him that much).

This is someone I hate, messing with something I love.

He suddenly wants to do the thing that he bitched at me for, and asked to borrow my piano after recently setting the router to disconnect at night.

(And no, he won't bargain. If I ask if he can bring the wifi back in exchange, he'll have a fit.)

Should I feel guilty for playing the piano in secret and pretending I haven't found the adapter, for my own personal sanity?

Posted by Chang
Try being super open about everything

Thank you for reading this x3

and nahh...I tried to be open before. He just shouts a bunch of names to my face.

I just pretend to be someone else when I'm around him.

Having people to talk to generally makes it a lot easier. I don't want to do the whole I'm older thing but as one possible perspective, my parents were quite controlling, my sister became the scapegoat while I rebelled hard. Now it's almost like I wish I hadn't rebelled so hard that I created this rift but I suppose it's worth it. Long story short, everyone gets on a lot better once that time did its damage.

Obviously don't do what I do (my story goes a bit deeper than being a stupid teenager) and just leave, but standing up for what you believe in or expressing vocally about how you dislike being treated a certain way. I also never bought the whole "because my parents are looking out for me" bullshit.

You're either going to be like me or my sister i.e. you're okay with being pushed around or you're going to end up doing your own thing. Just make sure whatever conflict you're having right now is talked about before making any real decisions. Dads are dads and mum's will be mums. If you show them just how passionate you are about all these (calmly mind you) and they still persist, at least then you can admit to yourself that okay at least I tried, I don't need to feel so guilty about being myself.

IS he living through you? Possibly! you can be 70 years old and still fucked up in the head.

But yes support is key. I'm sure there's like plenty of us on DXP who've been in similar situations.

I can relate to the feeling of guilt.

Parents should never see kids as "Oh this is my chance to live my dream through someone else" and push an agenda.

I can't advise on the relationship with your father, seems very complicated and families have different dynamics but I would lie about the cable and play piano in secret. I did this with other things for years.

Your mental sanity matters most. If you enjoy doing something and it relaxes you and it's not a bad habit...go forward with it. Your sanity > Anyone else's.