How much or how often do you snoop on your teens?

Anyone with teens? Just curious to how much or how often you snoop on them? To what depth do you go? Do you scroll through their text messages? Do you ease drop on phone calls? Do you look through their room and papers?

Ever find anything? If no, did you feel guilty. If yes, how did you address it?

I have friends that oversnoop and I have friends that don't snoop enough and are clueless about what their child is doing. It's a fine line of being intrusive vs clueless. Trusting your kids vs mistrust.

So, parents of teens, what is normal in your opinion?

And young people what are your views from the other side? How did you feel then, how do you feel about it now? Was it warranted? Was it not?

This ought to be a good topic for discussion.

So far of my three I have 2 teens, both girls. Ages 13 & 14. I don't snoop. But what I did do as they got phones, social media, and email. If you are going to have these items, I will have all pass codes and passwords. At any time I have the right to look through your stuff. I explained why it was necessary and they have happily obliged. I don't do it often and they don't give me a reason to. But I will out of the blue. If they start showing me poor decision making then I will turn off accounts and take phones away.

Posted by cheekyfaerie
She's 17 and I don't really snoop. We're friends on all of her social media, but I don't have her passwords or anything. I've had a bit of a nosy in her room when I was in there for other stuff, but more like curiously opening somebody's medicine cabinet than proper rummaging.

That said, she knows it's hard as shit to pull one over on me cause I can read her like a damn book. She also knows I'm in her corner so she's not afraid to come to me with stuff. Plus the fact she doesn't want me to hafta find something out from a third party. A healthy amount of fear is a powerful motivator. 😄

It is... but this:

"She also knows I'm in her corner so she's not afraid to

come to me with stuff."

Is why it works, I bet. 🙂

You must have some water in your chart.

I think trusting is best. I know you have to raise them right, then when they turn 16 you pray it stuck.

I've trusted this whole time, but I'm getting a vibe or a sense that I need to snoop. There have been some red flags raised and I feel the need to check them out.

I have gone through his phone before, but it's been a while and I'm sure he's smart enough to delete what doesn't need to be seen.

Do you think the more secretive they are, the more the need to snoop? I kind of think its just typical teen behavior, but it raises flags.

My mom always said it is like the rope which separates the shallow and deep end of the pool. As it says you allow your child to venture into the deep end but once they mess up you tighten that rope and pull them back to the shallow end.

I let my girls know, they are their individual selves and allowed to mess up. How else will they learn but from poor choices. And I hope what I have and am teaching them will help them make smart choices. However, they are NOT adults and are children. For that matter I have the right as their mother to know what is going on. I won't exercise that right with a strong arm until they make a poor choice but I have that right. And I have the right to take all their rights away. The phone, social media etc are all privileges not rights. Act accordingly and appropriately there will not be a problem, once you don't....

I don't need you to like me. I am your mother. Not your friend. Your well being and success as an adult relies largely on me. As CF said, they know I am in their corner and will respond in a better manner to them and help them (doesn't mean their isn't consequences) than if I was to find out another way.

I think so, too. Planning to have a talk today and see what I can find out.

Thanks for yalls input. I think I'm on the same page with all of yall.

I don't have children but I would stalk their behinds.
Booby-trap their windows and doors.

Teenagers lie and steal, can't be trusted.
My sisters went through so much with their teens, their hair literally fell out!!

My oldest turned 13 yesterday. I just opened the book on my first teenager but I don't plan to snoop and try to limit my overprotectiveness. So far him and my 9yo daughter don't try to hide stuff from me. I'm a reasonable person and keep my temper in check. When they do something wrong, they come to me first. My kids and I have had serious talks about trust and responsibilities, so far they seem to be doing alright. He's way better than I was at his age, that's for sure.

Posted by TheLioness79
My mom always said it is like the rope which separates the shallow and deep end of the pool. As it says you allow your child to venture into the deep end but once they mess up you tighten that rope and pull them back to the shallow end.

I let my girls know, they are their individual selves and allowed to mess up. How else will they learn but from poor choices. And I hope what I have and am teaching them will help them make smart choices. However, they are NOT adults and are children. For that matter I have the right as their mother to know what is going on. I won't exercise that right with a strong arm until they make a poor choice but I have that right. And I have the right to take all their rights away. The phone, social media etc are all privileges not rights. Act accordingly and appropriately there will not be a problem, once you don't....

I don't need you to like me. I am your mother. Not your friend. Your well being and success as an adult relies largely on me. As CF said, they know I am in their corner and will respond in a better manner to them and help them (doesn't mean their isn't consequences) than if I was to find out another way.

Very well said. I've had most of those exact words said to me when I was young and have repeated them to mine.

Posted by size zero superhero
(This is anecdotal but still absolutely accurate, FWIW...)

When it comes to parental openness with children; the most shining example that comes to mind is a H U G E family my boyfriend is longtime friends with.

*Comprised of 8 grown & successful kids, plus several grandchildren & the parents--Aquarius mom, Libra dad--have been married for at least 35 years.*

The parents host drinking parties with their kids at their home and have been doing so since the kids hit their late teens & naturally began boozing it up with college friends as a social activity. They clearly enjoy drinking & socializing with the kids, extended family & their children's friends, yet by no means are they alcoholics--Aquamom even happily partakes in late-night drunken dance parties with loud music.

Their reasoning behind this is that their kids will indulge in recreational drinking whether they condone it or not; so therefore they provide an environment where they can do so relatively safely, without facing the possibility of having to drive while intoxicated--and allow any attendees who've had a few too many drinks to crash at their place.

And it works magnificently!

I'm torn on this one-- I think it depends more on the parent, tbh.

Case in point: I was visiting my ex-Sag (5 planets spanning the 11th and 12th houses)/Pisces

moon friend who let her underage daughter and her friends drink at her house, when they visited.

The logic was the same: I know you're going to drink, so do it at home.

Fine.

BUT... as soon as she was in bed, *more* friends came over who were also drinking, but were

under no obligation to stay-- and they didn't.

She was clueless... or maybe she wasn't, who knows.

Either way-- incredibly irresponsible toward her own kid (who is an ass because she can be), and

the parents of the kids who don't know they're drinking at her house.

That really pissed me off. :/

Posted by TokerX
Wow. Does the word privacy mean anything to you people?

Were talking about children though. As a parent I'm responsible for mine until they do it themselves. You don't give a toddler privacy because they will fuck shit up. As they grow and mature you give them more freedoms to make their own choices and mistakes.

Mine are 13 and 9. My son is older and has gotten more rope because of that but my daughter is more responsible...she's a bit clueless though. It's an individual thing. If one of them ends up needing me to do more steering, I will. It's my job to teach them to do it right. Everyone learns different.

For anyone with Virgo kids: If you do it, do it stealthly. If you go about ridiculing them or making fun in any way, they'll have a huge anxiety attack.

My mother was awful at this. Not that she found much out but the little bits she did find out were more than enough for her to mock me about.

My dad on the other hand..never caught him doing it but from time to time he would quote some stuff and then just stare at me. Letting me know that he knows and is checking up on me in a harmless manner. I know from one of his friends he was scared that I'd fall apart after their divorce and start taking drugs or prostitution or whatever other scenario his panicked mind could conjure. So he snooped silently and didn't hold it over my head.

Posted by TwirlingStrawberry
The virgo has a fire moon....so, there wasn't any need to snoop. He was pretty much open about everything to the point I was often jolted. Moreso after he turned 18 and decided to confess all wrongdoings (which nearly gave me a heart attack). We laugh about it now.

Yeah, same for me and my dad. Couldn't believe a Gemini Moon would be puzzled.

"think you were stealth, did you gemini moon? let me tell you all the things you missed"

The gullible snooping on the gullible.

Posted by LunarMaiden
I don't have children but I would stalk their behinds.
Booby-trap their windows and doors.

Teenagers lie and steal, can't be trusted.
My sisters went through so much with their teens, their hair literally fell out!!

Lol! My cancer friend is JUST like this. 🙂

Posted by LibraSid
My oldest turned 13 yesterday. I just opened the book on my first teenager but I don't plan to snoop and try to limit my overprotectiveness. So far him and my 9yo daughter don't try to hide stuff from me. I'm a reasonable person and keep my temper in check. When they do something wrong, they come to me first. My kids and I have had serious talks about trust and responsibilities, so far they seem to be doing alright. He's way better than I was at his age, that's for sure.

Please keep up the communication. Very important. It gets harder when they have a driver's liscense and friends with more influence than us.

Posted by Montgomery

Posted by size zero superhero
(This is anecdotal but still absolutely accurate, FWIW...)

When it comes to parental openness with children; the most shining example that comes to mind is a H U G E family my boyfriend is longtime friends with.

*Comprised of 8 grown & successful kids, plus several grandchildren & the parents--Aquarius mom, Libra dad--have been married for at least 35 years.*

The parents host drinking parties with their kids at their home and have been doing so since the kids hit their late teens & naturally began boozing it up with college friends as a social activity. They clearly enjoy drinking & socializing with the kids, extended family & their children's friends, yet by no means are they alcoholics--Aquamom even happily partakes in late-night drunken dance parties with loud music.

Their reasoning behind this is that their kids will indulge in recreational drinking whether they condone it or not; so therefore they provide an environment where they can do so relatively safely, without facing the possibility of having to drive while intoxicated--and allow any attendees who've had a few too many drinks to crash at their place.

And it works magnificently!

I'm torn on this one-- I think it depends more on the parent, tbh.

Case in point: I was visiting my ex-Sag (5 planets spanning the 11th and 12th houses)/Pisces

moon friend who let her underage daughter and her friends drink at her house, when they visited.

The logic was the same: I know you're going to drink, so do it at home.

Fine.

BUT... as soon as she was in bed, *more* friends came over who were also drinking, but were

under no obligation to stay-- and they didn't.

She was clueless... or maybe she wasn't, who knows.

Either way-- incredibly irresponsible toward her own kid (who is an ass because she can be), and

the parents of the kids who don't know they're drinking at her house.

That really pissed me off. :/

click to expand

I have a Sag friend that was like that.

Posted by champranger

Posted by truecap
I think trusting is best. I know you have to raise them right, then when they turn 16 you pray it stuck.

I've trusted this whole time, but I'm getting a vibe or a sense that I need to snoop. There have been some red flags raised and I feel the need to check them out.

I have gone through his phone before, but it's been a while and I'm sure he's smart enough to delete what doesn't need to be seen.

He's an Aries right?

click to expand

Yes. He is an Aries.

Posted by TokerX
Wow. Does the word privacy mean anything to you people?

The right to freedom and privacy has to be earned. Show me you're worthy and we'll go forward from there. Screw up and we'll go backwards.

Posted by size zero superhero
parents who don't let their kids set foot outside of the house until age 18(for any reason other than school attendance) = almost surely went to oral sex parties in their youth, had anal sex so they'd still be a "technical virgin" as a teenager, was bustin' it wide open/stickin' it to h0s while their parents thought they were at soccer practice.

that's why they eventually become helicopters from hell, they're terrified that junior might act the fool that they did at his age 😛

this isn't as extreme, but my mom's b/f used to nag the cigarette smokers in his family NONstop--his dad, 2 of his brothers, her daughter-in-law--meanwhile she was a closet chain-smoker herself. finally gave up trying to hide it, or stopped being in denial but man was it funny. oh, leos 😈 they so crazy.

His father was wild in high school and has assumptions (or expectations) that our son will be too. It just pisses the boy off and makes himm want to do it out of spite. "He thinks I am, so I might as well". I tell him not to stoop to that level and go down the wrong path just to prove a point.

When I was 16 I bought a lock and put it on my bedroom door. My father saw it and said "who do you think you are" after which he kicked the door in. LOL

I had no privacy- absolutely none. My parents told me I lived in their house and they paid the bills and I was a tenant and would/could be asked to leave at any time. 🙂

I think because I believed them I never did anything that was too bad. I was scared, scared straight.

Teens also need structure and boundaries. Without them, they don't always know where to draw the line. They need these things also to help them make wiser decisions in their adult years.

Teens brains aren't fully developed and don't have the cognitive development yet to completely recognize the consequences and dangers of their behavior. Therefore, they still need the parents to guide them and protect them from themselves. I think it's in the early to mid 20s when the brain has fully developed.

Teens also need love, reassurance and a good amount of healthy attention. Can't spoil them. Can't let them fun fully free.

So, would snooping help to interact or intercede if the teen is demonstrating dangerous choices (drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, speeding, etc)?

I agree that too much is overkill. I also agree that allowing freedom to fail is a life lesson.

It's just a fine line between enough and too much.

Posted by size zero superhero

Posted by truecap
I think it's in the early to mid 20s when the brain has fully developed.

I've read that theory--or fact?--before(from reliable sources/studies)and I absolutely buy it.

click to expand

I learned it in my Psychology of Development class in college and again in Anatomy and Physiology.

So how many of you commenting now actually have kids or teenagers?

Toker, I understand what you're saying, but I disagree with you. If they want to experiment, then they can do so when they're fully grown and not as teenagers. And definitely not with illegal drungs in my house anyway. But what you said about learning boundaries at an early age, I do agree. Teach a child as they shall go and they will normally stay on that path.

Posted by champranger

Posted by truecap
So how many of you commenting now actually have kids or teenagers?

Anything outside of my own experience is what I understand IN THEORY. You just remarked saying that unless I experienced it, I would not understand. Yet you're expecting your son to understand based on theory alone.

click to expand

I didn't mean anything by it, but was curious to which end everyone was coming from because I asked for both sides.

It helps understand my son's point of view to know which side you're coming from. 🙂

And he's not into anything as drastic as toker was. Thank God!!! Toker was heathen. 😉
JK Toker!

It's a good discussion, because as parents we sometimes forget what it was like as teens.

My son's a good kid. He has a good head on his shoulders. He's probably more of a straight arrow than I am. lol!!!

Posted by starlover
truecap 🙂 my kid went out to meet his friends tonight for halloween. he came back quite early and when we asked why, he said they were all drinking and smoking and it was making him feel sick so he stepped away. he said they were talking crap and he thought they sounded like idiots lol. his dad and i sat and talked to him about how we used to smoke and drink and talk crap haha.
xx

Sounds familiar. My daughter ended up with hardly any friends by the time she graduated high school. She said they were all sluts, drunks and pot smokers and didn't want any part of it.

That's awesome your son came home and told you that. You've definitely opened the pathway for communication. Good job mom!