If I Could Turn Back Time...

Ok, if you read the title of the thread and aren't singing Cher's version of the song, you are soooo not with it....

I was thinking about some of the decisions I've made over the course of my life and there are so many here and there that I wish I would've chosen differently. Like, knowing what I know now, I would've gotten my undergrad degree abroad. That way, I could've gotten my education and the cultural experience of a lifetime all rolled into one. But changing that would change so many other aspects of my life...or maybe I'd have ended up just where I am now because it's ultimately where I'm meant to be?

Regret or no regret, if you were able to pick one decision you've made over the course of your life and could go back and change it, what would it be and why?

Oh and yes, I did watch Bill & Teds EXCELLENT adventure last night and I'm about to watch Frequency...no, The Time Machine? to continue the woulda, coulda, shoulda trend.

oh, and i'm not sure what my one thing would be. there are sooooooooo many options but only one that seems to matter.

—?? If I could fiiiiind a way! ——

I could say I woulda/coulda/shoulda changed a lapse in thought process as far as my love life was concerned, but I wouldn't trade my children for the world. 🙂
BUT if I had to pick one thing it would be to have spent more time with my grandparents.

*gasp* i have the cd. remember the video...on the ship with all the soldiers wearing that black "not" bathing suit thingy that hardly covers her woo-woo!? damn taurean women and their need for male adoration 😉

and yeah, i think what i would change would somehow relate to my mom. what, when, how...i dunno. but it is one of the only regrets that truly plagues me.

Cher was definitely rocking the barely there whatever it was ( I think it was two band-aids and a cork ). Male adoration is pretty fab, like a cat at the cream, shameless hussies we are. 😄
There are too many unanswered questions when those we love go on before us. I try to focus on the love and everything that made me smile. That and knowing she'd screech at me and want to kick my butt cheeks up around my ears for cold weather gear for being such a sad thing.

yeah, it's odd because in my mom passing away i learned that regret is pointless...that life is what we make it and agonizing over the unchangeables in life takes away from living.

there is no more real feeling than no being unable to warn/help/save/rescue someone you love but despite the sadness/anger/pain i feel from time to time (like now...i decided to watch Signs btw), i'm grateful for the lessons her life has taught me. i just wish she could be here to know that i learned them...but then i wouldn't have learned them? and there's the catch...

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on a side note, i was compelled to watch the video on you tube and i think it's made from black electrical tape.

^^wow, check out the typos. anyway, you get the point 😛 mind is racing with thoughts which is why this is the perfect time to go for a walk...

The same. I could 'what if' myself until I was long in my jar gathering dust on someones mantel. But it doesn't get anywhere other than wetting a pillow in fetal position or punching the shower wall and screaming. I get through one day at a time, minute by torturous minute some days.
I watch for signs as well, a breeze that touches me, a crow on the wing, a ladybug or butterfly commanding my attention, a star on a clear night. If there is a way she could be with me, she'd do it. She was my best friend as well as my daughter.
Even knowing that she would leave me early, I would not have changed that she entered into my life. She was so wonderful I'd have been the poorer for never knowing her, and what's sadder yet is I'd not have known the difference.

Are you sure it's electrical tape? And here I thought it was that flexible stuff you wrapped around pipes to keep it from leaking.

There I go again, taking something and running with it, my 'signs' are all around me. Not a movie.

if you don't mind my asking, how long ago did your daughter pass? how old was she? for me it's been almost 8 years and yet, right when my hormones are at max, i start thinking about my mom. pms...it's a blessing and a curse...literally.

before my mom passed, my room had to be pitch black when i slept. now i can't sleep without the tv. those early days were hard and i'd use the tv to drown out my thoughts/numb me ya know? on a side note, my aries asked me like a month or so ago about dreaming and i said rarely dream. well last night i went to bed early, sans tv, and had a doozy!

won't go into the details of the one i had but the ones i love/hate most are when i dream that the death wasn't real. early on, she would appear to me but as time has gone on, it's more of a shape/figure/voice than anything. i think that's because my brain knows that she should've aged or something? in the dream i find myself longing to believe but knowing it's not true. and right when i've come to accept it and go to hug her...i wake up 😢 but still for a moment while i'm collect my thoughts, it seems so real...like i could just pick up the phone or go in the other room and...nope, she's really gone.

i love those dreams and i hate them so. i promised my mom i wouldn't forget her though and i guess that's the part that i love. i haven't. and contrary to what people say, it never gets "easier." at least for me. i think it just becomes less frequent...gone but never forgotten.

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LMAO! at the pipes and cork 😄 with all those men around i'd be leaking and need a plug too. but seriously, i think if anyone were to have a male harem it'd be taurus woman 🙂 not to fug all of them of course. just to be worshiped and waited on hand and foot...told you're beautiful and what not.

My daughter passed just last summer, August 7th. She would have been 12 come late October. The day that is stricken mentally from every calendar henceforth. She was diabetic. Went into a severe shock and as a result her brain swelled and there was nowhere for it to go. The medication to try and counteract such a thing is all but useless for a diabetic. Her father and I watched on as everything that was our daughter died in front of us. After she was pronounced brain dead her father and I made the decision to pull life support. It wasn't for her, it was for us. He held her hand bedside and I climbed into bed with her, to hold her, kiss her, to push everything I was at her. Telling her I was so proud to have been her Momma, that I will be FOREVER, and to please, PLEASE know that her heart was MINE and mine was HERS. Oh I said so many things, I'm sure none of it made sense to anyone but the woman keening for her babe. I died that day with her, I am definitely not the woman I was before. There is too much pain within and without.

And now on a lighter note, hell yes! One to fan, one to rub scented oil into my skin, one whispering "Another delicacy my goddess?" Nahhh, I'll settle for someone real, but it sure makes the outlook a bit rosier. 😉

my mom passed away on august 11. too close for comfort eh? i was moving back home at the end of august...the 27th actually. she had wanted me to come back home earlier that year when i got laid off but i didn't want to break my lease and it was my first time out on my own...taurus see, stubborn. so i figured, get a job and i did, wait out your lease and move back when it's up. and therein lies my regret.

she was sick but...who'd a thunk? to add to my pain, i recall before i left that my mom's bff - a taurus male - spoke to me. they talked every night and one night he called, they spoke for a while and then my mom told me to pick up the phone...which was odd as he and i rarely spoke like that. so i got on, my mom hung up and he told me in no uncertain terms that if i moved, it'd kill my mom. he asked me not to go and kept repeating that it'd kill her if i left. i didn't understand what he meant then. i still don't. my mom was a "tall" woman. she didn't cry or get overly emotional. for me, at the time, i couldn't imagine her being saddened by me doing what she had always done...putting my big girl panties on and making some damn money. i just didn't understand...i still don't to be honest with you.

*waterworks*

we had to make the life support decision as well but luckily, when we arrived at the hospital, she'd already passed. it was a tough decision for everyone...my grandmother especially. even though she agreed to take my mom off, i knew she didn't want to. so we got there and i just remember feeling relieved. she'd passed moments before and it was like my mom wanted us to be at peace. she left on her terms. my mom did everything on her terms (leo) 🙂

so i can only imagine...no, in a way, i can't imagine how difficult it is for you right now. i hope i never have to experience the loss of a child and i'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. all i can say is, it never goes away. i have two friends who lost their parents within months of my losing my mom and we all carry our parents with us. i mean, your daughter's bday will always be HER bday ya know? her room will always be HER room...

my point is, i hated the tears, the memories, the sadness in a way early on. i felt like my world had crumbled around me and although i was functioning, i was a skeleton of my former self.

now, even though my cheeks are a bit moist as i type, i'm so thankful for them...for the tears. my fear when she passed away was that i would forget her and the reality is, i can't...and i don't want to damnit. if i want to cry, i will cry. if i want to laugh, i will laugh. whatever i'm feeling, i will feel because it's not about others, it's about me and my mom. and i think that's how we all work through it. it's personal even though that person was shared with the world. what's fun is learning about them outside of who you knew them as. although your daughter's life was short, she was also a sister, a friend, a student, someone's crush...

my mom drank coffee and her office at work was filled with plants. ironically, she didn't own a coffee maker and the only plants in our house were silk. thus i'm not left with the question of "who was my mother?" i want to know, who was this woman, this supervisor, this friend, this daughter... who...was...she?

on a side note, my grandparents never cried. they would get choked up but they'd fight back those tears and stand tough. they wanted to be strong...for us. no wonder my mother was a "tall" woman. in a way, i'm glad that they did hold back. in another, i am overcome by the thought of what they are suppressing. i wrote all this to say, i can only imagine that you're trying to be strong for your other children as well. but who's being mommy's support and how are they?

I will never forget, I cannot. The bond flowing from mother to child and back again is like no other. You carry that wonderful being under your heart for 9 months, you've fallen in love before you've even 'met' them. And when they come into the world, even if wrinkled and squalling it's like the entire universe stands still. It's magic. There is no other word for it.
It was so fast what happened. It was all raw nerve endings scraped to the absolute breaking point. I almost fainted dead away on the floor when the doctor called and pronounced her brain dead and urged her father and I to let her go to God.
GOD, WHAT GOD? I have such anger at times, it seethes like lava under the earth. I have decided that MY God did not take my daughter from me. MY God was the one weeping with me, it rained for three days after she passed. That was the Mother with me, Gaia on high mourning with me as one of her children was taken from us both.
My support system has been my family and dear friends. Online and offline as well. She was their daughter as well. Their grandaughter, their niece, their friend. Her urn is plastered with stickers from her buddies. I gave my warrior FIRE. That's what she was, what she is. By everything I hold dear my free spirit, my rocking bohemian was NOT going into a box in the ground. Every damned day she stuck herself with needles 6 times. Every damned day she poked her fingers to offer running red to a machine. What she endured with hospital visits, careful diet. When all she wanted was to play until her eyes crossed, to eat pizza till she puked. Her lions heart beats within the breasts of two children, I offered her up like a sacrificial lamb so that other parents did not have to suffer or endure living out the remainder of their days without THEIR child. NO parent should have to sign those goddamned forms, NO parent should have to go to a funeral home and make 'arrangements'. NO parent should have to answer questions for donation like "Did she have sex with a drug addict?" My GOD, she was eleven years old FFS. It is nothing I'd wish on my worst enemy.
Your grandparents and mother sound so strong, but you know they, like you, are biting back such immense feeling. I am so sorry you lost your mother. I too will never forget. All I can do is get through the remainder of my days with part of me missing.

AA - It's pure shit, kisses on either cheek for the sentiment, it was lovely.

wow...

the arrangements. talk about a surreal experience.

about a month before my mom died i paid of a credit card that had a 10k limit. when she died, the insurance money of course hadn't kicked in yet so FOR SOME REASON, my gdad and i went to pay the bill. i'm pissed about that to this day. all these grown ass people in my fam. my mom was the oldest. her siblings should've handled it in the short-term.

so over 12k to just bury my mom not including the flowers and stuff. she had a beautiful casket. ironically, the same one that my bff had purchased from her mother who had succumbed to lung cancer less than 6 months before. it was the most expensive of course. my mom being a leo and all had to go in style 😛 i wanted the rose colored one but nooooooo, get the one with the 4 gold madonnas as keepsakes...whaaaaaaaaat? anyhoo...

so we sat there in the office about to make the payment. i gave my card and put 10k on it. and the remainder...i watched as my grandfather who was a sharecropper and only has an elementary school education struggled to write the check. so you're right. no parent, at any age should have to endure that. it's wrong and it's so fucking cruel.

as much pain as i felt, i never hated God as I stopped believing in the cookie cutter version years before. my brother and his girl were due to have a baby in dec...his first, my mom's first grandchild. she died in aug. she never got to meet him. but the point is, my brother had purchased so many things in my mom's house. the living room furniture, the fridge, the washer and dryer. see, he (sag) thought that the way to my mom's heart was things. so he sacrificed stuff for himself to give to my mom. of course when she passed, i relinquished the house. it's his. i feel that my mom exited this world as the ultimate sacrifice for her grandchild. now, he has room to run and play and live life in the same place that she made a home. her spirit is there to watch over him...that's what comforts me...

my friends always turn to me b/c i can put a smile on shit...literally. not everyone can do it but maybe it's the taurus in me and the taurus in you that can relate...

there's a lesson, there's something in this experience that will make you stronger. there's something about your daughter, her memory and how it affected all of you that will make your family stronger...individually and collectively. if you don't forget the lesson like my bro does repetitively.

for me personally, death is a sacrifice. God made us mortal for a reason. sacrifice doesn't have to be as dramatic as the story of Jesus. it can be witnessed in the death of a child...your child...my mother (my grandmother's daughter).

what was she sacrificed for? what are you to learn? what are you to gather? how can you live your life more abundantly?

i am in tears for you right now because a mother is one thing...a child is another. i pain for my family...just as my gparents ache for us. so i don't know you but i admire you beyond belief. i know that it takes a helluva lot to sit at your computer and type during these moments. seriously...some people wouldn't even be able to bathe right now. you are a strong, beautiful woman ad oh my, what a woman she would've been with your guidance.

if i can impart anything to you, right now, in this moment...be selfish as hell. be disgustingly selfish. bring your kids along but being selfish. max out whatever credit cards, empty whatever bank account...just do it. whatever you have always wanted to do, don't plan. just do it. throw caution to the wind. LIVE as if there's no tomorrow. as a taurus, it's unlike so many of us but in death...it's what i needed.

Jase, thank you sweetie.

That would comfort me as well. Her room I cannot face, it is a time capsule. It is simply too much to enter without going into vapor lock.
Of course your Leonine Ma would go out in style . Leo makes a big entrance, the exit shouldn't be any different.
I do not hate God, but that is not MY God. My God would never take a child, never give a gift so precious only to snatch it back. Despite what the Bible says. Actually God and I have no issue. Religion is a whole 'nother mess.
Respect to your Grandfather. I'm not telling you anything you don't know in the recounting that the man broke his back working hard and long. That goes for any tiller of the soil. Closer to earth, closer to the Creator.
As a mother the idea that my grandson was playing, screeching and giving his parents grief in my house pleases me quite a lot.

Side note - the moving on the 27th, my ex's birthday. And my grandparents anniversary. Coincidence? Eerie? Only the Shadow knows.

i think, in retrospect, i would've traveled the world.

I agree with living. That's what my girl did every day. She raised the roof AND set it on fire. I admired everything about the child, all my children. Soul, Breath, Heart. My trifecta of everything good in me, reflected back a thousand fold in their eyes.
Oh I type and type with tears running down my face, but to bottle it up is a disservice to her, and to myself.
Thank you for the props 🙂, all one can do is keep on keeping on.

Right, I'm calling it, GROUP HUG DAMMIT. 😄

Cripes PP 😢 Sorry you had to see that.

not to trivialize it but sometimes, it's just that simple. as simple as a heart-felt hug. it feels good and to have someone wrap their arms around you...wow!

*BIG HUGZ* 😄

prince, i didnt know your mom had passed. good, bad...still mommy at the end of the day. sorry you had to experience it and be so young in the process.

Well ALLLLLRIGHT AA! Naked group hugs!!

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know they do PP, doesn't diminish the suck factor. Like a giant Hoover.

on a side not, the teletubbies combo ad watch signs has mee all messed up mystically so on that note,i bid you all @ plus.

note...

LOL I hate bloody typos. Pfffffft to them, all of them I say. And CRAP. Time to go make happy happy joy joy at the restaurant. Thanks for 'listening' to this nutty lady. Mmmmmmwah.

Posted by Prince_Pisces
My mom is dead too. She died when i was like 14 or 15.

Anyway, about the thread, i cant think of anything i regret lol. . .

1st, I'm sorry PP 😢 I feel sad reading that and it's only two lines; however, I have to appreciate and respect your tenacity...again, I'm sorry 😢

In respect to this thread...the first thing I envisioned was - Jack McFarland from "Will & Grace" singing the song by Cher, with Cher being on the show. Hysterical...something sad, followed by something funny...I guess that's life.