Inside the mind of a rape victim

Today is a middle day. I’m not up and I’m not down I’m just kind of in between. I also feel curious to understand the demon who crossed me so I’ve been searching online and googling sadist And what they want. So I guess I’m kind of going down the rabbit hole. I also am desiring to date and I’m feeling lonely but I’m way too scared to date and it pisses me off that My body feels paralyzed and can’t do the things that it wishes.

This anger is new, Like brand new maybe 3 4 days old. I’m starting to consider alternatives to my actual decision which was to not fight back. All of the revenge options I’m thinking of would’ve been hell of sadistic which also worries me because I Know I can’t change that in that moment I was over powered and could not do anything but try to survive and that’s exactly what I did. So then the question becomes would it be better to die like a warrior or live like a wimp? My mind knows the answer but this is not a rhetorical question when asking my spirit and soul.

I also wonder if I hurt him back would I feel better

I wonder what I can do to make myself feel safe and strong again.

I wonder if there is something I did to attract him.

I wonder if I took both of my hands and clawed my nails down his face would I feel better now even if I got my ass beat.

I wonder how much of that night he planned.

I wonder if I will freak out if I have sex with someone else.

I wonder what I’m turning into And what the me on the other side of this looks like.

The best way to hurt him is to find some closure, move on with your life and find happiness.

The more space you give him to live in your mind the more he wins.

Please consider seeing a therapist for this, as it is a traumatic event for you.

You may think that it'll 'go away in time' or 'time heals all wounds' but rape is not something you can or should burden alone. Have you spoken to anyone about that event IRL, like friends or family?

Find closure, move on, and get him out of your mind sounds rational in only but makes sense logically but this feeling is something else. It pops up And if I ignored it it starts running Havoc in my life behind the scenes and I feel like I’m going crazy. So I feel like I have no choice but to Let myself feel and see what my feelings are going to manifest into. > Posted by LadyNeptune

The best way to hurt him is to find some closure, move on with your life and find happiness.

The more space you give him to live in your mind the more he wins.

No I have not. I’ve brought in a couple of self help books and I just started blogging. I’ve never said it out loud to a person.

Posted by Cancer96

Please consider seeing a therapist for this, as it is a traumatic event for you.

You may think that it'll 'go away in time' or 'time heals all wounds' but rape is not something you can or should burden alone. Have you spoken to anyone about that event IRL, like friends or family?

I’m not feeling suicidal or like hurting anyone. I’m thinking outside.

I would personally hope for them to get better, and truly repent for the wrong they've done. Not just say sorry with no depth, but truly be haunted till they make things right. So much they completely change, and never hurt anyone anyone again. I wish them to feel this long before they are forced into a spirit they cannot escape from. At that point life will eventually give them a hand of cards far worse then they've ever dealt. Its called karma, which I truly believe in. One day life will either completely contain them in a cell, or they will find their own minds eating them alive and contain themselves.

Sounds like you should definitely seek some sort of revenge. That "be happy/find closure is the best revenge" bullshit isn't for everyone.

I'd probably hire a stunt dick to stalk & ass rape that guy. Shouldn't be that hard to come by, I know feminists think we live in some sort of rape culture but reality is we live in a culture where a majority of men would proudly hang a rapists by their balls.

Btw you didn't go to the police, right? Neither will he, but you'll both know. You'll get closure. Poetic justice.

I tried not to Hate him because I felt like it would hurt me more than it hurt him.If I said it out my mouth I would take it back and say I’m praying for him instead just for my “supposed peace” but I really don’t think hes capable of ever caring and is sick. Nobody in their right mind would do that! Playing all these games with myself trying to process this is what I feel like is making me the most crazy. Maybe at another time in life I’ll Come back to being able to pray for his soul but right now I hate this man I wish him no well and no repentance. I’m trying to more so to wrap my mind around how to hate him.

Posted by Soul

I would personally hope for them to get better, and truly repent for the wrong they've done. Not just say sorry with no depth, but truly be haunted till they make things right. So much they completely change, and never hurt anyone anyone again. I wish them to feel this long before they are forced into a spirit they cannot escape from. At that point life will eventually give them a hand of cards far worse then they've ever dealt. Its called karma, which I truly believe in. One day life will either completely contain them in a cell, or they will find their own minds eating them alive and contain themselves.

Bullshit. Bad people get away with shit all the time with no karmic reprecussions whatsoever, not in this life. And what happens in the next, well I don't take that into account since no one in this lifetime can say for sure there is a next life..

Meanwhile so many good ppl get shit for being good.

I just laughed so loud! I actually thought of something like this before that gave me a similar chuckle. It kind of sucks that guys just have the upper hand when it comes to strength. Only a man can restrain you, Traumatize you and sexually assault you without leaving a bruise. I would have to Get involved with a crime organization Or become more of a sadist than him to inflict that kind of harm. The thought of it gives me a scary kind of peace though. LOL

Posted by Enfant-Terrible-II

Sounds like you should definitely seek some sort of revenge. That "be happy/find closure is the best revenge" bullshit isn't for everyone.

I'd probably hire a stunt dick to stalk & ass rape that guy. Shouldn't be that hard to come by, I know feminists think we live in some sort of rape culture but reality is we live in a culture where a majority of men would proudly hang a rapists by their balls.

Btw you didn't go to the police, right? Neither will he, but you'll both know. You'll get closure. Poetic justice.

Posted by Rainwater69

I tried not to Hate him because I felt like it would hurt me more than it hurt him.If I said it out my mouth I would take it back and say I’m praying for him instead just for my “supposed peace” but I really don’t think hes capable of ever caring and is sick. Nobody in their right mind would do that! Playing all these games with myself trying to process this is what I feel like is making me the most crazy. Maybe at another time in life I’ll Come back to being able to pray for his soul but right now I hate this man I wish him no well and no repentance. I’m trying to more so to wrap my mind around how to hate him.

If that is truly the case it's only a matter of time before you get your revenge, but imo revenge is also a monster, equally as sinister. True revenge will get its punishment in some way just as well. Maybe watching him burn will truly make you feel better. Demons feel the same way.

Oh let me be clear I will be taking no revenge related action upon this man. I am just being present in my feelings. I’m not sure at this point if I would even be able to remain inside my skin if I seen him in person so life has no choice but to be his payback.

Multiple things can be true at the same time. Like me picturing him handcuffed to a bed and me getting my turn and the fact that it’ll never happen because I’m not about that life. I started to forgive him the next morning after it happened know its time to hate him.

Once again just thinking out loud.

blockquote> Posted by Soul

Posted by Rainwater69

I tried not to Hate him because I felt like it would hurt me more than it hurt him.If I said it out my mouth I would take it back and say I’m praying for him instead just for my “supposed peace” but I really don’t think hes capable of ever caring and is sick. Nobody in their right mind would do that! Playing all these games with myself trying to process this is what I feel like is making me the most crazy. Maybe at another time in life I’ll Come back to being able to pray for his soul but right now I hate this man I wish him no well and no repentance. I’m trying to more so to wrap my mind around how to hate him.

If that is truly the case it's only a matter of time before you get your revenge, but imo revenge is also a monster, equally as sinister. True revenge will get its punishment in some way just as well. Maybe watching him burn will truly make you feel better. Demons feel the same way.

Posted by Rainwater69

I just laughed so loud! I actually thought of something like this before that gave me a similar chuckle. It kind of sucks that guys just have the upper hand when it comes to strength. Only a man can restrain you, Traumatize you and sexually assault you without leaving a bruise. I would have to Get involved with a crime organization Or become more of a sadist than him to inflict that kind of harm. The thought of it gives me a scary kind of peace though. LOL

Exactly.. you don't feel empathy for him, do you? Like you'd eventually feel sorry for him if you subjected him for such treatment? If not then that's probably what it takes. Instant therapy. Save yourself years. Unless you develop a conscience then that's a problem.

But giving him stank looks in public if u ran into him, you really think he'd give two fucks what or how YOU feel about him given he didn't care enough not to rape you.

Just because vengence feels cathartic doesn't mean one lacks empathy or that you're a bad person. I've tapped into it on one or two occassions - and I'm usually quite forgiving and easy on letting things go, see em for what they are - but it was liberating and I've never regretted pulling shit. Nothing as serious as your ordeal but they had it coming. I feel tingly calm just thinking about it right now.

He's a guy, no one would care if he got raped, certainly not the justice system. I mean there are more men than women raped yet you never hear anything about it, no outrage.

More random thoughts coming .....

So I was in an abusive relationship maybe 15 years ago which I received therapy and counseling for. He was a narcissist with sadistic tendencies who like to inflict pain. I was 17 and naïve to the fact that I could die But I understood that clearly after I had my first child at 21. It took a lot of work, healing, waiting, and more But I’ve been in a place for a long time where I can except that I came across a bad person.

I’ll tell the above story to also express that while The assault was happening I knew what he wanted and how to get him to not Severely hurt me. It’s a survival skill but it kind of seems like a sucky skill to have.

It costs a lot spiritually and emotionally I have a lot to live for But would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that as time passes the idea of resisting him which could have led to more trauma or possibly death is starting to sound like a good option .

Ps. What he wanted was for me too show him that he hurt me. Not only to be hurt but to also to Put away my pride,to feel the mind fuck of what’s happening and be a victim. He wanted me broken hurt with a low countenance. The tougher you act the more this kind of person will fight you because they want your Spirit broken and for you to give them your free will.