opinions please...

Monday is my daughters birthday. The key d's are going to their moms this weekend. Their mother texted me a little while ago asking me to pick up a present for her to give our daughter and drop it off tonight or sneak it when I drop the kids off in the morning.

Should I?

I should also mention this is not the first, second, or even third time I've been asked to do this. I've always done it I. The past because my only thought was my daughter and her presents.

In a way it feels petty not to. The only one who "suffers" is my daughter. But why should I keep financing the fake image their mother puts on.

A present may just be the straw that broke the camels back. If she parties her money away and can't buy Megan a gift then maybe she shouldn't get one from her.

Buy her a pony ride and show up dressed as Zoro. Check mate.

My daughter is turning 9. I divorced when she was 5. She doesn't understand evil, everything in her world is sunshine and flowers...she still loves her mom simply because "mommy!". My son is older and doesn't like going to his mom's.

I know their mother cares for them but... I don't know. Nothing is more important than the moment with her. There's no long term anything. It's not that she doesn't care, more like keep she take look beyond her self long enough do anything about it.

Posted by arietteheart2
Do you share custody or?

They live with me. She has everywhere weekend visitation. I can basically do whatever I want with them as long as they aren't I. Danger or whatever.

I think it's joint legal but I have primary physical custody. Something.

Every other*

Posted by caliber

Posted by tsarina
Whats better? Knowing your parent doesnt care enough to get you a present or finding out that the little bit you thought they cared wasnt real?

ehhh? i doubt she doesn't care.. otherwise why go through the trouble of asking someone else to help out?

click to expand

To save face to her daughter. If she cared wouldn't she have dealt with it herself?

Posted by Impulsv

No I'd buy her the gift n give it to her when I see her. Or have the discussion with ex to get her priority set will do it this one time after that it's her responsibility. We must stop enabling

This is completely separate from what I'm doing for my daughter, I got that covered. I took off work Monday and am taking her all over.

I've tired to talk to the ex about it before but it's no use. She flips it and somehow I'm trying to tell her how to live her life.

Do it for now. I guess you can wait until your daughter turns 13 if her mom keeps doing this.

Posted by tsarina
No point enabling your ex wife and no point pretending something is going on when its not.

Things come to light and I wouldnt want to have to answer the question with "Yes, all those presents were actually from me."

Your daughters will eventually learn and understand what sort of person your ex is. I argue that you need to be able to present them with someone (yourself) who is a decent, worthwhile human being, who cared enough about their family to walk past the light weight nonsense you ex is pulling.

In that context:

1) It isn't about "enabling" your ex. It is about providing your daughter with a decent environment to grow up in.

2) I would lot rather answer that "question" with "Yes, all those....". It seems to me that to have to tell my daughter that I was as petty as her mother, and therefore didn't do what I could to help her have happy birthdays would be absolutely heart wrenching admission.

I have to admit I'm surprised at the responses. After all these years dealing with their mother, she's gonna flip when I say no. She makes me feel like a bad person for it.

She doesn't have much anymore and I've provided a variety of things (she still has my washer and dryer in her apartment). Seeing her struggle is rough but knowing it's her own fault makes me angry not sympathetic. bleh, whatever.

Thanks again for the input everyone.

Posted by dofacc

Posted by tsarina
No point enabling your ex wife and no point pretending something is going on when its not.

Things come to light and I wouldnt want to have to answer the question with "Yes, all those presents were actually from me."

Your daughters will eventually learn and understand what sort of person your ex is. I argue that you need to be able to present them with someone (yourself) who is a decent, worthwhile human being, who cared enough about their family to walk past the light weight nonsense you ex is pulling.

In that context:

1) It isn't about "enabling" your ex. It is about providing your daughter with a decent environment to grow up in.

2) I would lot rather answer that "question" with "Yes, all those....". It seems to me that to have to tell my daughter that I was as petty as her mother, and therefore didn't do what I could to help her have happy birthdays would be absolutely heart wrenching admission.

click to expand

But does refusing my ex lessen my daughters environment? I provide better than as a single dad than most kids get even if mom and dad are still tog ether.

Me giving my kids my all has nothing to do with how much or little they get from their mother.

Posted by LibraSid

Posted by dofacc

Posted by tsarina
No point enabling your ex wife and no point pretending something is going on when its not.

Things come to light and I wouldnt want to have to answer the question with "Yes, all those presents were actually from me."

Your daughters will eventually learn and understand what sort of person your ex is. I argue that you need to be able to present them with someone (yourself) who is a decent, worthwhile human being, who cared enough about their family to walk past the light weight nonsense you ex is pulling.

In that context:

1) It isn't about "enabling" your ex. It is about providing your daughter with a decent environment to grow up in.

2) I would lot rather answer that "question" with "Yes, all those....". It seems to me that to have to tell my daughter that I was as petty as her mother, and therefore didn't do what I could to help her have happy birthdays would be absolutely heart wrenching admission.

But does refusing my ex lessen my daughters environment? I provide better than as a single dad than most kids get even if mom and dad are still tog ether.

Me giving my kids my all has nothing to do with how much or little they get from their mother.

click to expand

Dofacc's point is, it takes a bigger person to set aside smaller issues for the greater good which is letting your kid feel the love of both parents. At a more mature age, she may understand the reason behind your actions. Kids are very fragile. The parent's feedback, responses and attention really impacts their lives so it's best to make her feel loved as much as you both can while she's growing up.

So it's not about having a scoreboard detailing what you do vs what she does. You can deal about that with her without the kid's birthday being affected. I hope you understand my point. I don't mean to belittle your efforts. She should really do more and I'm sorry she can't live up to the expectations of being a REAL mother. 😢

Posted by AesmaDaeva
Dofacc's point is, it takes a bigger person to set aside smaller issues for the greater good which is letting your kid feel the love of both parents. At a more mature age, she may understand the reason behind your actions. Kids are very fragile. The parent's feedback, responses and attention really impacts their lives so it's best to make her feel loved as much as you both can while she's growing up.

So it's not about having a scoreboard detailing what you do vs what she does. You can deal about that with her without the kid's birthday being affected. I hope you understand my point. I don't mean to belittle your efforts. She should really do more and I'm sorry she can't live up to the expectations of being a REAL mother. 😢

At nine... there's also the risk of her feeling bad for her mother--

That's a lot of weight for a little kid to carry around.

Maybe next year, give the mom plenty of notice to (as someone else mentioned) 'get creative'-- because it sounds like LS is also taking the time and thought to choose the gifts.

Agreed on 😢

Posted by tsarina

Posted by dofacc

Posted by tsarina
No point enabling your ex wife and no point pretending something is going on when its not.

Things come to light and I wouldnt want to have to answer the question with "Yes, all those presents were actually from me."

Your daughters will eventually learn and understand what sort of person your ex is. I argue that you need to be able to present them with someone (yourself) who is a decent, worthwhile human being, who cared enough about their family to walk past the light weight nonsense you ex is pulling.

In that context:

1) It isn't about "enabling" your ex. It is about providing your daughter with a decent environment to grow up in.

2) I would lot rather answer that "question" with "Yes, all those....". It seems to me that to have to tell my daughter that I was as petty as her mother, and therefore didn't do what I could to help her have happy birthdays would be absolutely heart wrenching admission.

I argue that its better to teach your children honesty rather than trying to be "nice".

click to expand

There's a time for that. I'd argue let kids be kids. How could a child understand that her mother would rather do something else or be somewhere else instead of spending that time with her? Among other things that she has neglected to do...

The kid would end up feeling neglected. It's the same with always ending up saying, "Mommy can't be there this time but I promise next time I'll definitely be there." Then that time comes and it's the same old pile of broken promises. Why let a kid go through that if it can be diminished to a certain extent?

They'd eventually mature and it'd be a lot easier to accept compared to a kid where you're that kid's whole world.

But yes, it's HER job to do that instead of LibraSid always covering for her. This is really tough. *sigh* LibraSid knows his kids better.

I do understand what you're saying. Like I said, I've accommodated this same request before. I never wanted my daughter to feel let down. However, letting people down is her specialty. Wouldn't it be doing more harm to help thier mother lie to them? Is a small let down today worse than a big bubble bursting a few years down the road?

That's why I asked the question. I'm starting to feel it was a mistake to shield them from reality. Yes you protect them but you can't put them in a bubble...not even an emotional one. Disappointment is part of life. That sounds mean but it's not like they're sad suffering kids or nothing.

I'm not worried with future custody issues or anything like that. The kids and I have settled, we're happy. It'd take something big for me to loose them and I wouldn't make it easy. I'm concerned with the kids, not her.

Posted by tsarina
I think in general, the earlier something is introduced the less shock a child experiences.

And the truth of life is that no matter how you try to protect them, they will be hurt.

Rather than shelter them from reality, I would teach them how to accept it and give them tools to live with it.

And this will also show their mother that if she wants to have that love she has to step up to the plate and make it a priority. That is her choice, it's not LibraSids burden to carry.

That is true! Mostly, it's not the problem of telling it the way things are. It's how it's said that matters. What I notice from some parents is they make the ex look bad so the kid develops dependency on them more and resent the other.

At least LibraSid doesn't seem to be that type of parent.

I definitely don't paint her in a bad light to the kids, I'm just tired of helping paint a false good image either. Just let it be what it is, ya know.

If it were me .... I would have the child see the present, wrapped. And when dropping her off with her mother, I would then carry the gift in.

When the mother hands her the gift .... at nine years old, she will be able to comprehend that you actually gave her the gift to give.

Posted by LibraSid
I definitely don't paint her in a bad light to the kids, I'm just tired of helping paint a false good image either. Just let it be what it is, ya know.

I think you do well not to paint her in a bad light. Nonetheless, I would not help her situation with the gift. If your daughter is upset about not receiving a gift, then you can explain it to her. Kids love their parents no matter what.

You are a good dad.

You said you have your gift and have plans with your daughter which is good. I wouldn't help out mommy dearest - she's had a year to buy a present for her and she waits till now? If it's her weekend then let her worry about it. She asked because she's pretty positive you'll do it for her. I know we want to shield our kids from pain and it will sting for a bit, but this is the beginning of the end. Mom will just have to figure something out on her own.

Just say 'sorry I'm tied up' no can do.

I would just give the child her gift from me on her birthday and leave it, if she asks were mommies gift is just tell her that mommy will probably give it to her when she sees her again and go on with the day. mommy can then deal with that question whatever way she sees fit. Text her mother and tell her you have neither the time nor spare cash at the moment to do as she has asked and let her know she can get a gift if she wants too before she sees the little girl again. Leave them to sort their own relationship out.

Posted by LibraSid
I have to admit I'm surprised at the responses. After all these years dealing with their mother, she's gonna flip when I say no. She makes me feel like a bad person for it.

She doesn't have much anymore and I've provided a variety of things (she still has my washer and dryer in her apartment). Seeing her struggle is rough but knowing it's her own fault makes me angry not sympathetic. bleh, whatever.

Thanks again for the input everyone.

Of course she will. Because it's worked before, so she'll do it again.

Posted by Sugarfoot

Posted by tsarina
Nah. She won't care. She will just think he's not serious and will try it again.

Possibly true 😢

click to expand

No, absolutely true. Don't come into this thread and push enabling. It's not helping the situation. After everything he's told us about this woman and the stress she's caused in his life, as well as his kids', she is not the type that you do something for "one last time."

He's made great progress from breaking away from this toxic person, and the first thing you suggest is sheltering the kids more and enabling that chick more?

Puhlease.

Sid, you're right following your gut. I had to learn a lot growing up fast and I wouldn't have it any other way. Why? Because I'm not some sheltered shit head as an adult, like a lot of people my age and younger are.

Worry about what you do for your daughter and let the ex deal with her own actions. Your son already sees what his mom's like, the daughter is going to have to learn some day too.

Besides, it'd be interesting to see what she'd do after letting her daughter down.

"Mommy, why didn't you get me anything for my birthday?" Pressure's on yo. Time to put on them big girl panties. People like her will never learn as long as they keep getting away with shit.

I hope you didn't participate in deceiving your daughter.

It's so good to live in a gift-free world! No disappointed expectations, no junk and clutter, no objects of bad taste in my house and cupboards, no remorse when asking if I'm using it ("it" was donated to a charity shop as soon as I unpacked it).

And that's thanks to the fact that my parents never brought me gifts/objects at the usual occasions, like Christmas and birthdays.

What I enjoy are activities together, special food and services. Yes, thanks to my parents, who did know what really matters in life.

No I did not get anything for her mother to give her. Thanks everyone for the input. Maybe her mother will figure it out while they're there today. But yeah that's between the two of them.