Toxic Energies in Friendships...when do you say enough is enough?

I wasn't sure where to drop this, so I will stick it here:

I have a friend that I truly adore but she's toxic to herself. This friend of mine has a habit of hopping into fwb situations and to be honest, the guys she enters these arrangements with are guys she usually has just met, and because of that, the fwb situations usually tend to be a few hookups instead of fairly long termed situationships.
The problem is my friend gets unreasonably attached to these guys.

So here is the backstory, I met my friend about two years ago and we instantly clicked because she is truly the sweetest person you will meet. She has just a really great presence about herself and she is an incredibly good friend. Around the time that she met, she opened up to me about a fwb situation she was involved in, in which she had fallen in love with the guy but the guy did not love her back. She had only been with him for a few months and the guy had pretty much been coming and going when things weren't working out with the girl he was ACTUALLY interested in courting. 😢 My friend fell into a deep depression that took over her life for those two years. This year however, she seemed to turn over a new leaf, she started recognizing her value and started finding a way to develop her own life outside of guys. My friend has never had a bf and has only had hookups with men, as a result she told me she now has a STI. Well recently, she has met another guy, who she became intensely enamored within a week's time by lurking on his fb page. Somehow, some way, she ended up getting his number and in a matter of two week's moved their relationship status from strangers to f buddies. I will admit, I was pissed, because I know exactly how this will end and I know how long it took for her to heal from the last guy. I tried reminding her of everything she had just overcame but she snuffed it saying that she just wanted to hookup with him and learn about se because she felt that, her inexperience is what makes her so insecure around men. Of course that is not it, but she was really adamant about it. What upset me is that one of her other so called best friends pretty much encouraged her in pursuing the guy and I'm like why would you do that knowing how easily she gets attached in these things? She confuses a one time hook up like the person is suppose to be her bf...it's just messy.

Long story short, the guy started ignoring her again after a week of hooking up...she started losing it and having an emotional breakdown, but through this she had a bit of a wake up call and started to seem like she was really ready to get back on the right track. Unfortunately, the guy reappeared and she just texted me and it looks like she's falling back into her old ways. So now I feel exasperated. I want to be of support to my friend but I wonder if I should just distance myself from her completely? Am I being selfish here? My fear is that her toxic energy may not be good for me to be around?

learn about sex***

Tell her the truth. She needs to change her strategy. I think she wants love or a relationship but there's something about how she approaches these guys that have them thinking that all she has to offer is her kitty Kat and nothing else. She also sounds clingy.

Posted by VenusStar
Tell her the truth. She needs to change her strategy. I think she wants love or a relationship but there's something about how she approaches these guys that have them thinking that all she has to offer is her kitty Kat and nothing else. She also sounds clingy.

I honestly did have this talk with her, I did this with her for the last two years. I understand that many of us experience things in our life and make mistakes out of low self esteem, so I want to see her through this but I feel kinda selfish for wanting to jump ship. I feel like its just unhealthy to continue on but at the same time I don't want to just drop her. That seems so callous.

Her issues seem deeper than wanting a real relationship. In fact, they have nothing to do with romantic relationshios. If you want to help her, you could probably start with talking about her past and her family instead of directly approaching abt current situation which u can see makes her defensive and avoid talking about.

I would distance myself at this point. You can be a friend who gives advice and good advice at that. You can hang out with her when she's down now and again, but you dont have to be the salve to her repeatedly bad decisions.

Posted by littlemegabytes
Out of curiosity, what are her placements? Is she a Scorpio by chance?

This girl has a lot of self esteem issues. She has STD's from her sexual habits, keeps sleeping with guys, is she spreading these diseases to the other guys she sleeps with? She becomes obsessive and deeply depressed when it doesn't work, when it's clear that it's not going to work to everyone except for her.

You need to tell her the truth in kindness, but to be firm about it. Tough love. No guy is going to take her seriously when all she does is open her legs and fall in love with them after a couple weeks/months. Very unhealthy and codependent behaviors. Maybe you can suggest counseling too.

She is an Aries, I'm not sure of any of her other placements because I have never asked. I tend to keep my deep interest in charts to myself haha. But she has the impulsive nature DOWN. But yes, I did tell her the truth and in kindness. It may appear harsh in my write up, only because I was trying to hurry and shorten it so it wasn't long. I have since moved to tough love, no apologies, just truth. I went through this with her already...for two years I watched how that fwb relationship messed her up and it was sad to watch and our friendship was just beginning to bud so I wanted to be there for my new friend, but seeing that she may be falling back into her old ways...well that's just upsetting, but I'm realizing that sometimes you have to leave people at their own devices.

Thank you 🙂

Posted by rabidtalker
I would distance myself at this point. You can be a friend who gives advice and good advice at that. You can hang out with her when she's down now and again, but you dont have to be the salve to her repeatedly bad decisions.

That's a nice balanced approach. I have recently begun completely disengaging the moment she starts talking about her new fwb prospect. I just shut it out completely, she'll usually pick it up and stop talking about it. I told her, that this was not to be mean or harsh, but as her friend I wasn't going to sit and gab over something that I do not support because I know how unhealthy it is for her. I think her understanding of that all comes in waves. Somedays she is better than others but yes, it is quite exhausting but more than that, it is just sad 😢

Posted by divinesurrender
Her issues seem deeper than wanting a real relationship. In fact, they have nothing to do with romantic relationshios. If you want to help her, you could probably start with talking about her past and her family instead of directly approaching abt current situation which u can see makes her defensive and avoid talking about.

I actually tried this approach the first time around. I do not try to pressure her in talking about anything she doesn't want, but I am the one she comes crying to when things don't work out with these guys. It really angers me how some of her friends, that have been her friends longer than me, just sit back and encourage her behavior. As far as her family goes, it is really bizarre because she has a very close family and grew up in a really peaceful home environment...or so she says (she says she was never abused), so I am at a lost at what is causing such deeply rooted issues with the opposite sex.

Posted by malloryor

Posted by divinesurrender
Her issues seem deeper than wanting a real relationship. In fact, they have nothing to do with romantic relationshios. If you want to help her, you could probably start with talking about her past and her family instead of directly approaching abt current situation which u can see makes her defensive and avoid talking about.

I actually tried this approach the first time around. I do not try to pressure her in talking about anything she doesn't want, but I am the one she comes crying to when things don't work out with these guys. It really angers me how some of her friends, that have been her friends longer than me, just sit back and encourage her behavior. As far as her family goes, it is really bizarre because she has a very close family and grew up in a really peaceful home environment...or so she says (she says she was never abused), so I am at a lost at what is causing such deeply rooted issues with the opposite sex.

click to expand

She may not be aware of her own deep seated issues. On the surface family maybe looking fine. Maybe in childhood she has had issues of abandonment where someone very close mother, or maybe father rejected her in some way or separated from her. She probably started getting involved in relationships early on and had the same pattern as now in order to compensate what was lacking in close relationships. She sees sex as a means of being loved and secured but in the mans eyes she is easy and a quick backup kind of thing. She attaches quickly since she is wanting security that she never had so bad only to push the person away which strenthens her underlying fears of being abandoned making her clingy and pushing the guy further away. This is why she never had a stable long lasting relationship and now has become a cycle it seems which needs to break.

This is just a hypothetical case formulation based on the limited info i have.

Posted by divinesurrender

Posted by malloryor

Posted by divinesurrender
Her issues seem deeper than wanting a real relationship. In fact, they have nothing to do with romantic relationshios. If you want to help her, you could probably start with talking about her past and her family instead of directly approaching abt current situation which u can see makes her defensive and avoid talking about.

I actually tried this approach the first time around. I do not try to pressure her in talking about anything she doesn't want, but I am the one she comes crying to when things don't work out with these guys. It really angers me how some of her friends, that have been her friends longer than me, just sit back and encourage her behavior. As far as her family goes, it is really bizarre because she has a very close family and grew up in a really peaceful home environment...or so she says (she says she was never abused), so I am at a lost at what is causing such deeply rooted issues with the opposite sex.

She may not be aware of her own deep seated issues. On the surface family maybe looking fine. Maybe in childhood she has had issues of abandonment where someone very close mother, or maybe father rejected her in some way or separated from her. She probably started getting involved in relationships early on and had the same pattern as now in order to compensate what was lacking in close relationships. She sees sex as a means of being loved and secured but in the mans eyes she is easy and a quick backup kind of thing. She attaches quickly since she is wanting security that she never had so bad only to push the person away which strenthens her underlying fears of being abandoned making her clingy and pushing the guy further away. This is why she never had a stable long lasting relationship and now has become a cycle it seems which needs to break.

This is just a hypothetical case formulation based on the limited info i have.

click to expand

It is quite possible but from my understanding, from what she has been comfortable sharing she's just deeply insecure, she can't even pin point why. I do certainly believe it is a habit she has become slightly addicted too, but I have talked to her and she seems to recognize that what she is doing is not making her happy or better. I'm happy she is at least at this stage, at a place where she seems to want to do some serious self reflection. At this point though, all I can do is support her healthy habits and distance myself if she falls back into her self destructing habits, because to be honest, I only want peace and healthy relationships in my own life.