Jokes/Poetry..

Hi Y'all,This thread is for dropping in some jokes, poetry,anecdotes...
loonybird

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER !!

Believe me it is true...........

* You installed the best in me.
* Your picture is always in my background.
* You clicked my heart gently.
* Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness
in me.
* You restored my kindness after I thought it was
corrupted.
* I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
beat per second.
* You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
* You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
and explore my emotions at the same time.
* You are the only one that can log into my heart and
never logout.
* You don't have to search for me, cause we are always
linked to each other.
* I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my
Homepage and all my software.
* I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected
by you.
* You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I?
* You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
* Believe me it is true..........I love you more than
my CPU

Peter bought a butter,
The butter Peter bought was bitter,
So Peter Bought A better butter,
To make the bitterbutterbetter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
How much wood would a woodchuck chuckif a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck wouldif a woodchuck could chuck wood.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A flea and a fly flew up in a flue.
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"Said the fly, "Let us flee!"So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Betty Botter had some butter,
But, she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter that would make my batter better.
So she bought a bit of butter,better than her bitter butter,
And she baked it in her batter,and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A big black bug bit a big black bear,made the big black bear bleed blood.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern,
And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back.
And the bitter bittern, bitten,
By the better bitten bittern,Said: "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesawBefore Soar saw See,
Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw before See sawed Soar's seesaw,See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so soreJust because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep.
The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south.
These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack;sheep should sleep in a sack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once Upon A December

Dancing bears,
Painted wings,
Things I almost remember,
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December.

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Someone holds me safe and warm.
Horses prance through a silver storm.
Figures dancing gracefully
Across my memory...

Far away, long ago,
Glowing dim as an ember,
Things my heart
Used to know,
Things it yearns to remember...

And a song
Someone sings
Once upon a December

The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to
decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you,Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's
supposed to be something inside the package?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full."

The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arm around his little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life.

And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. Think positive and act.

I am thankful. For the husband or wife who snores all night because they are at home asleep and not with someone else.

For the children who complain about doing dishes, because that means they are safe at home and not on the streets.

For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party, because it means, that I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.

For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning, because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining I hear about the government,
because it means that we have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

For the noise I have to bear from my neighbors, because it means that I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive. AND FINALLY.............

For too much e-mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Count your blessings for you have many more than you know.

The Christmas Waltz
- Frank Sinatra

Frosted windowpanes
Candles gleaming inside
Painted candy canes on the tree
Santa's on his way
He's filled his sleigh with things
Things for you and me

It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"

And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing, too

It's that time of year
When the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say,
"Merry Christmas,
May your New Year dreams come true"

And this song of mine
In three-quarter time
Wishes you and yours, everyone

Merry Christmas ....

Subject: Truly priceless
>>
>>The government recently calculated the cost of
>>raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with
>> $ 160,140 for a middle income family.
>>
>>Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch
>>college tuition.
>>
>>But $ 160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
>>translates into $ 8,896.66 a year, $ 741.38 a month,
>>or $ 171.08 a week. That's a mere $ 24.24 a day!
>>
>>Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think
>>the best financial advice says don't have children
>>if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
>>
>>What do your get for your $ 160,140?
>>
>>1. Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
>>
>>2. Glimpses of God every day.
>>
>>3. Giggles under the covers every night.
>>
>>4. More love than your heart can hold.
>>
>>5. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
>>
>>6. Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds,
>>and warm cookies.
>>
>>7. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
>>
>>8. A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites,
>>building sand castles, and skipping down
>>the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
>>
>>9. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter
>>what the boss said or how your stocks performed
>>that day.
>>
>>10. For $ 160,140, you never have to grow up.
>>
>>11. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play
>>hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and
>>never stop believing in Santa Claus.
>>
>>12. You have an excuse to keep: reading the
>>Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching
>>Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney
>>movies, and wishing on stars.
>>
>>13. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers
>>under refrigerator magnets and collect
>>spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
>>handprints set in clay for Mother's Day,
>>and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
>>
>>14. For $ 160,140, there is no greater bang for your
>>buck.
>>
>>15. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a
>>Frisbee off the garage roof,
>>taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a
>>splinter, filling a wading
>>pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs,
>>and coaching a baseball team that never
>>wins but always gets treated to ice cream
>>regardless.
>>
>>16. You get a front row seat to history to witness
>>the first step, first word, first bra, first date,
>>and first time behind the wheel.
>>
>>17. You get to be immortal.
>>
>>18. You get another branch added to your family tree,
>>and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in
>>your obituary called grandchildren.
>>
>>19. You get an education in psychology, nursing,
>>criminal justice, communications, and
>>human sexuality that no college can match.
>>
>>20. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there
>>with God. You have all the power to heal
>>a boo-boo, scare away the monsters
>>under the bed, patch a broken heart,
>>police a slumber party, ground them forever,
>>And love them without limits,
>>so one day they will, like you, love without
>>counting the cost.
>>
>>ENJOY YOUR KIDS !!
>

I think I may be getting old, last night I was sitting around watching TV . I got up and tought to myself you got to get out of this rut your still not bad for your age go out and meet someone new. I took a shower put on my best rags went down to the corner bar. ordered a drink a woman cam in sat at the end of the bar and ordered a drink. I went down sat next to and said do I come in here often?

WISH YOU ALL A MERRY X'MAS AND A LIFE FULL OF LOVE.

sweet p are you blond old people forget, the line in real life( do "you" come in here often), my line because I am old and forgetful (do "I" come in here often).

Nixon Down Under

One day during his presidency, Richard Nixon landed in Australia for a state visit. As he stepped from the plane, Nixon made a peace sign (as was his custom) to signify solidarity with his Aussie hosts.
Some time later he was delicately informed that, in Australia, the so-called 'peace sign' (unless the palm is facing out) is the equivalent of an American display of the middle finger.

Groucho Marx & Marilyn Monroe: Arresting Beauty

Famed comedian Groucho Marx first met Marilyn Monroe on the set of a 1950 film called Love Happy. "Young lady, I think you're a case of arrested development," Marx remarked. "With your development, somebody's bound to get arrested!"

WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPY NEW YEAR.

Kosh Quotes for the 12 Signs of the Zodiac!
by Lauryl Stone, for fans of the science fiction
TV show, Babylon 5.

Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.

Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.

Gemini: The truth points to itself.

Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.

Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.

Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.

Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.

Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.

Sagittarius: I am studying.

Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?

Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!

Pisces: We are all Kosh.

what's kosh?

Three Irishmen are talking about the night before. O'Rally says I need to go by church and do a confestion because of last night.
so they go down to the church.
O'Rally goes into the confestional he says forgive me Father for I have sined.
Father says what are your sins my son .O'Rally says I had sex last night out of wedlock.
Father says, I bet it was Kathern O'Leary wasn't it I told her to stop.
O'Rally says, no father it wasn't her.
Father says, I know, I know, it Colline McTavish.
O'Rally says, no Father it wasn't her.
Father say, myGod dont tell me it was Mary O'Doll.
O'Rally says, no Father not her.
Father say, well your not going to tell me so do 100 Hale Marys.
O'Rally leaves the church. The other two ask how did it go.
Not good says O'Rally I have to do 100 Hale Marys but I got three good leads.

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

English Translations By Gender

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think
about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see
my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and
wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you
aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole

Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to
fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys.

ha ha ha

M.Y.A.S.S.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software
system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show
MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a
good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently
only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction
will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This
morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some
of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of
MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I
never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the
first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively
painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in
MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future,
however, protection will be required prior to entering
MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with
the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to
put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we
envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor
to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in
MYASS."

Computers - Male or Female? (?)

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as
being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing
to starboard, Captain!").

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being
female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:



Five reasons to believe computers are female:


1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.


3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".


4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.


5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



However, another group of computer scientists (all female)
think that computers should be referred to as if they were
male. Their reasons follow:


Five reasons to believe computers are male:


1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half
the time they are the problem.


3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you
had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better
model.


4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them
on.


5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the
night.

Oceanwander, this is hilarious.

"And if you even touch a Virgo's @sshole, kiss your tyrst goodbye."

lmao