Dating People with Kids

I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

I did not have great experiences with both although I appreciate there are people out there who are cool with this stuff etc plus I've had not great experiences with people who don't have kids too so it's all taken with a pinch of salt.

The first one put his kids first all the time to the point that there was no negotiating or time for us at all. He was quite a bit older than me at the time, I was 25, he was 40. He said I had to be more understanding etc but that was not quite right. I tried but it made no difference.

The second one would cancel or postpone plans constantly with me yet would always find the time to take his kid out etc.

Perhaps I was just an arsehole and they used it as an excuse to not bother with me!!! Ha ha.

The main issue I found with both but certainly with the second one is that behind many guys with kids... Is an ex wife or gf... Who is bitter, manipulative, or who uses the kids as a bargaining chip... And these two guys in question were unable to set boundaries etc. It affected everything from time spent, finances, the amount of money that would need to be handed over each month was ridiculous. I thought that if I were to ever have kids with this person then there would be little money available and I didn't want to struggle and have arguments for the rest of my life just because some ex wife didn't want to go to work as she had a great deal with the ex husband.

The other thing is that I'm too possessive. I don't want to be second, third, or fourth best. That's not to say I want to be number one all the time but constantly being put aside doesn't work for me. I've been there and done it.

I would say if it doesn't suit what you're looking for then stay away. I'd also say keep an open mind as you may find someone who is great who has kids but is in a good situation so don't rule anything out. I'm still open minded about it despite my comments above. I just mean that if I was to have a check list then I'd prefer someone without kids.

Posted by Sugarfoot
I have a kid but she didn't meet my bf until 6 months after I met him. I still found time to spend with my bf one on one. Any single parent who's dating should have a plan on how they are going to make time to spend with the person they're getting to know. I think some people use their kids as an excuse to be neglectful of the relationship. Watch out for that. Also, if dating a dude with kids isn't for you, there's nothing wrong with that.

Sound advice. Especially in regards to neglecting a relationship.

I just couldn't do it. There's the fact that I would feel weird about not being a priority and also the fact that he already has a kid with another women.

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

dont be such a fugin puusy, you'e 33 years old! are you retaarded?

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

it must be subconscious with me. but i just knew that i would never be with a man who had children.

my sister is okay with it. she loves that.

but i dont know why i dont, it's really psyhic or something. you just dont need to know. it's just a subconscious thing. like you can feel they have children. I have NOOOOO idea how i know.

so there is a reason WHY you were able to find a man who has children. it is probably your calling/your destiny.

maybe a huge challenge for you. Life does that. It throws challenges to you, and whether you know it or not, the subconscious will steer you in that way.

perhaps it's a challenge to show you that you can RISE above your needs, desires and understand why he would Always choose his child.

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

click to expand

*crosses fingers* Hoping this never happens to me lol

Omg AgentP, what you wrote is Exatly how I feel.

Hes a nice person but im low on the totem pole when he is high on mine! Its really making me insecure.

I used to never date men with kids. Ever. But as I get older my list of non negotiables get shorter and shorter. Ive talked to a few friends and they agree that I have to start accepting that a man will have kids.

Its like you like someone but you cant have them when you want. Theyre priorities are rightfully different.

For example, when he asks me to go out, im all in. I dont have a decision to make. Its an immediate response. When I ask him, I dont get the same treatment or response. I get hesitation. He has to let me know days later. Most times its a no go.

Idk. He can have me when he wants by ut I cant have him when I want.

you're also right about the $ $ . Rightfully so, he has other priorities.

Posted by Sugarfoot
I have a kid but she didn't meet my bf until 6 months after I met him. I still found time to spend with my bf one on one. Any single parent who's dating should have a plan on how they are going to make time to spend with the person they're getting to know. I think some people use their kids as an excuse to be neglectful of the relationship. Watch out for that. Also, if dating a dude with kids isn't for you, there's nothing wrong with that.

I just dont want to be a dick about things when its really not his fault.

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

click to expand

No idea. It's nothing sinister. It's just how it has happened. I've only had two relationships with guys who have kids but many others with guys who do not have kids.

I did not have an issue with the kid thing but slowly it started to become an issue. After the first one I decided not to go there again but years later I met someone who had a kid and I kept an open mind about it as I did not want one not ideal experience put me off. Unfortunately, the second one did not go well but also for other reasons too, not just the kid thing.

At the time of the second one I just didn't want to keep being pushed aside when the ex wife clicked her fingers. I wanted to be able to be free and be with a free guy to enjoy life. Not have plans continually cancelled or postponed and have my life put on hold while the guy faffed about sorting his stuff out. I got increasingly angry over the years when we couldn't go out or do something as planned yet he would always find the time to do stuff with his kid, even if it was go to the cinema and a pizza. What does that say about where I fell on his priority scale? It would never have changed or got better. I found myself becoming miserable and my confidence and self esteem took a knock. Perhaps if I had kids I'd have a different view point.

I'd not rule out someone with kids but preference is someone without.

I don't think it has anything to do with the universe. I just think that's the way it has been.

I wouldn't feel bad about your preference. I wouldn't feel bad about accepting your preference. Some will come to criticise you but it is your criteria so you need to stick with what works for you and not worry about being judged.

You never know what life brings...

You might end up with someone who has kids after all...!!

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by Sugarfoot
I have a kid but she didn't meet my bf until 6 months after I met him. I still found time to spend with my bf one on one. Any single parent who's dating should have a plan on how they are going to make time to spend with the person they're getting to know. I think some people use their kids as an excuse to be neglectful of the relationship. Watch out for that. Also, if dating a dude with kids isn't for you, there's nothing wrong with that.

Sound advice. Especially in regards to neglecting a relationship.

I just couldn't do it. There's the fact that I would feel weird about not being a priority and also the fact that he already has a kid with another women.

click to expand

that is sound advice.

I agree with you about the feeling wierd part. Im rightfully not a priority. Interesting about already having a kid. I know exactly what you mean. Im still a virgin sotospeak when it comes to kids.

Posted by grayid2

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

dont be such a fugin puusy, you'e 33 years old! are you retaarded?

click to expand

no, not retarted. Can you elaborate on the age thing? Are you saying that I should accept being like #10 on his totem pole because im 33?

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

it must be subconscious with me. but i just knew that i would never be with a man who had children.

my sister is okay with it. she loves that.

but i dont know why i dont, it's really psyhic or something. you just dont need to know. it's just a subconscious thing. like you can feel they have children. I have NOOOOO idea how i know.

so there is a reason WHY you were able to find a man who has children. it is probably your calling/your destiny.

maybe a huge challenge for you. Life does that. It throws challenges to you, and whether you know it or not, the subconscious will steer you in that way.

perhaps it's a challenge to show you that you can RISE above your needs, desires and understand why he would Always choose his child.

click to expand

im not being combative just trying to understand. I should lower my needs and desires to accommodate the courtship?

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

*crosses fingers* Hoping this never happens to me lol

click to expand

lol at least you're honest about it.

you want to be first.

Posted by DMV

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

it must be subconscious with me. but i just knew that i would never be with a man who had children.

my sister is okay with it. she loves that.

but i dont know why i dont, it's really psyhic or something. you just dont need to know. it's just a subconscious thing. like you can feel they have children. I have NOOOOO idea how i know.

so there is a reason WHY you were able to find a man who has children. it is probably your calling/your destiny.

maybe a huge challenge for you. Life does that. It throws challenges to you, and whether you know it or not, the subconscious will steer you in that way.

perhaps it's a challenge to show you that you can RISE above your needs, desires and understand why he would Always choose his child.

im not being combative just trying to understand. I should lower my needs and desires to accommodate the courtship?

click to expand

just wondering. you were the one choosing them. if you think about it. that's why it maybe subconscious.

you dont have to want them. you are the one dating them. you can take them or leave them if you don't want them/or have them in your life. (not for you)

Posted by starlover
I don't blame you ladies. I have a son and feel It would be unfair to try and attempt a relationship whilst he still lives at home. My energy is tied up with him and kids always come first so where would that leave the other person? I have seen women dating and the kids get shoved aside. I am going to wait till he has completed school and lees home. The time is so short they are with us, may as well give it y

thanks star. I hope im not coming across as a douchebag.

Its wierd like, if he didnt see his kid or spent so much time with her as he did, I would give him the major side eye. He IS a responsible guy because his energy is into his kid and I would think he is irresponsible if he did any less.

I just dont like the feeling I get when I am on the backburner.

im jealous of his daughter. Im jealous of a 7 year old.

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

No idea. It's nothing sinister. It's just how it has happened. I've only had two relationships with guys who have kids but many others with guys who do not have kids.

I did not have an issue with the kid thing but slowly it started to become an issue. After the first one I decided not to go there again but years later I met someone who had a kid and I kept an open mind about it as I did not want one not ideal experience put me off. Unfortunately, the second one did not go well but also for other reasons too, not just the kid thing.

At the time of the second one I just didn't want to keep being pushed aside when the ex wife clicked her fingers. I wanted to be able to be free and be with a free guy to enjoy life. Not have plans continually cancelled or postponed and have my life put on hold while the guy faffed about sorting his stuff out. I got increasingly angry over the years when we couldn't go out or do something as planned yet he would always find the time to do stuff with his kid, even if it was go to the cinema and a pizza. What does that say about where I fell on his priority scale? It would never have changed or got better. I found myself becoming miserable and my confidence and self esteem took a knock. Perhaps if I had kids I'd have a different view point.
..!!

click to expand

yeah the thing with my sister choosing the man with a child already was that the ex was already OUT of the picture. she was a drug addict/alcholic ect. and has a criminal record.

so, there is NO contact with the ex at all, not even with the child-parent contact. absolutely zilch.

i can imagine if there was an ex involved and you have to be IN BETWEEN. alot of drama.

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

click to expand

could be my full 5th house. Could be my nurturing feeling I give to men. Cancer rising

i mean, the ex wife, or ex girlfriend who has had babies with the guy you're dating, and then he is Always in the middle with the children cause the ex wife .ex girlfriend is calling and all the drama is Always there.
and not to mention, the animosity you're gonna feel with the children because you are the NEW woman and they will look at you with daggers in their eyes cause you are the woman who took away their daddy away from mommy idea.

Posted by DMV

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by AgentP911
Dmv,

I TOTALLY know where you're coming from with your view point. I don't have kids of my own but have been there twice with guys who have kids.

I conclude that it is NOT for me. At all.

interesting.

i wonder why the universe throws some of you ladies with men who have children??

could be my full 5th house. Could be my nurturing feeling I give to men. Cancer rising

click to expand

yeah but you dont want it. you don't want to embrace that. it's just not for you.

Not have plans continually cancelled or postponed and have my life put on hold while the guy faffed about sorting his stuff out. I got increasingly angry over the years when we couldn't go out or do something as planned yet he would always find the time to do stuff with his kid, even if it was go to the cinema and a pizza. What does that say about where I fell on his priority scale? It would never have changed or got better. I found myself becoming miserable and my confidence and self esteem took a knock. Perhaps if I had kids I'd have a different view point

----

This is how I feel. Im not even a month in and I feel my confidence in myself from this courtship is not where it should be.

North node in cancer. Could be also something.

that's why.... i said, it's probably a "lesson" for you if the universe is throwing them at you. i mean this is astrology forum. we're Always talking about otherworldly stuff here. like planets and the asteroids and souls and connections.

Posted by lisabethur8
you dont have to want them. you are the one dating them. you can take them or leave them if you don't want them/or have them in your life. (not for you)

Yeah thats true. I just see tons of conflict coming from my direction to his in the future.

Posted by lisabethur8
i mean, the ex wife, or ex girlfriend who has had babies with the guy you're dating, and then he is Always in the middle with the children cause the ex wife .ex girlfriend is calling and all the drama is Always there.
and not to mention, the animosity you're gonna feel with the children because you are the NEW woman and they will look at you with daggers in their eyes cause you are the woman who took away their daddy away from mommy idea.

that would be so shitty

Posted by lisabethur8
that's why.... i said, it's probably a "lesson" for you if the universe is throwing them at you. i mean this is astrology forum. we're Always talking about otherworldly stuff here. like planets and the asteroids and souls and connections.

Hmmm you raise a good point

Posted by DMV
Omg AgentP, what you wrote is Exatly how I feel.

Hes a nice person but im low on the totem pole when he is high on mine! Its really making me insecure.

Yeah, been there, done that.

If you change the 'kid' criterion for something else such as 'must have a job' then you'd probably have less people criticising your selection process as we would probably all want someone who has a job.

Kids is just on the check list. You either tick that it's ok or you don't tick it.

Same as people who chose people based on skin colour or religion. Their locality. Their financial status. Do they have a job, home, car, etc. are they cute but a dick head? Are they not so cute but a nice guy? Do they have a good heart and manners?

It's the same approach as deciding most things in life. You're just figuring out what is and what is not important and what is and what is not negotiable.

At 35, I often feel my pool of choice is more limited but not necessarily so. There's some things you may be happy to compromise on but others things no so much.

For example, I have my own house, transport, decent career etc. I liked a guy who had moved back in with his parents for various reasons and was just doing some casual labouring work while he was figuring out what he wanted to do. He was cute and it didn't bother me so much about his personal situation because property and jobs come and go but a good heart and manners can be hard to come by. He ticked many boxes and did not have kids. Unfortunately he was a bit of a dickhead and I now re-evaluate if someone having their own place and a more stable career is important.

The guy I was with (the second guy with kids) ticked virtually no boxes I had at that time. He was the complete opposite of what I thought I was looking for but I went with it. It did not work out but the time spent and experience was an interesting one.

It's a constant evaluation process.

Kids? :screams:

Never again.

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by DMV

Posted by lisabethur8

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

im not being combative just trying to understand. I should lower my needs and desires to accommodate the courtship?

just wondering. you were the one choosing them. if you think about it. that's why it maybe subconscious.

click to expand

Yup. Better than getting into it any making a mess of things for someone who has enough on their plate as is.

Posted by DMV

Posted by lisabethur8
i mean, the ex wife, or ex girlfriend who has had babies with the guy you're dating, and then he is Always in the middle with the children cause the ex wife .ex girlfriend is calling and all the drama is Always there.
and not to mention, the animosity you're gonna feel with the children because you are the NEW woman and they will look at you with daggers in their eyes cause you are the woman who took away their daddy away from mommy idea.

that would be so shitty

click to expand

Yes. This. It is a big factor to consider and one I ultimately was not happy with. Had circumstances been different then ok but all that drama and shit... No thanks.

Posted by DMV
Not have plans continually cancelled or postponed and have my life put on hold while the guy faffed about sorting his stuff out. I got increasingly angry over the years when we couldn't go out or do something as planned yet he would always find the time to do stuff with his kid, even if it was go to the cinema and a pizza. What does that say about where I fell on his priority scale? It would never have changed or got better. I found myself becoming miserable and my confidence and self esteem took a knock. Perhaps if I had kids I'd have a different view point

----

This is how I feel. Im not even a month in and I feel my confidence in myself from this courtship is not where it should be.

I know you're not married, and maybe not even thinking about marriage, but here's how I see it in the long run.

Some people may not agree, but I feel that a spouse should be the top priority, and then kids second. This all seems to become far too muddled when you bring someone else's kid into it because at that point the father or mother feels like they need to make their kid a priority (at least until they grow up). At least when you are married with both of you having YOUR kids you don't have to feel like they will put the kids as a priority because you are all the same family.

I've only read the OP, so this may be a repeat ......



It's VERY unrealistic for a 33 yo to have an expectation for the men in the dating pool of your peers to be childless.

If by 33 years old, you are STILL emotionally dependent upon having the false security superficial attention brings .. then perhaps checking that is where you need to start with this.

What I mean is ... the child is irrelevant. It could be a pet, a job, grandma ... and you would still have this same feeling of entitlement = believing you deserve more than earned.

And that's all this is. There doesn't seem to be a problem with the guy here. In fact, he's a present and active dad, which holds much more weight in terms of being a good man, than a dude who is showering you, while ignoring the child.

So, in reality, his attention to one of his obligations isn't the issue.

There is an expectation from society's standpoint that a 33 yo should have a higher mentality level. Well, I should say the older society. The younger ones seem to have lost most of their sense of honor. And you fall inbetween.

STILL, though, at 33 .... you shouldn't be so insecure being validated and approved of to feel important ... because a 33 yo should know their worth.

I don't think its an issue with having a sense of entitlement to a higher proportion of attention.

For me, I did not want to build something with someone who was unable or who could not build that 'something' with me. You need to be on the same page or you will have problems.

I did not want someone who constantly prioritised their child yet would not or could not prioritise me or our time or relationship.

DMV is at that stage of one month in and questioning if she wants to continue or if this is for her.

This is about accepting or not accepting someone and their package. This is not about being commitment phobic or not being accepting. This is about the day to day reality of the situation. A child requires attention more than many other people and things.

Some people have different requirements. Some may need love given in different ways. That might be quality time spent or words of love etc.

The OP probably doesn't have 'issues' and she is simply finding out what she does and does not want. If she's feeling like its not a match then so be it. She can find someone else who may suit better.

If she's feeling like she wants to see this guy more or to have the ability to be free to make plans without parental constraints then so be it.

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by DMV
Not have plans continually cancelled or postponed and have my life put on hold while the guy faffed about sorting his stuff out. I got increasingly angry over the years when we couldn't go out or do something as planned yet he would always find the time to do stuff with his kid, even if it was go to the cinema and a pizza. What does that say about where I fell on his priority scale? It would never have changed or got better. I found myself becoming miserable and my confidence and self esteem took a knock. Perhaps if I had kids I'd have a different view point

----

This is how I feel. Im not even a month in and I feel my confidence in myself from this courtship is not where it should be.

I know you're not married, and maybe not even thinking about marriage, but here's how I see it in the long run.

Some people may not agree, but I feel that a spouse should be the top priority, and then kids second. This all seems to become far too muddled when you bring someone else's kid into it because at that point the father or mother feels like they need to make their kid a priority (at least until they grow up). At least when you are married with both of you having YOUR kids you don't have to feel like they will put the kids as a priority because you are all the same family.

click to expand

I agree with this.

At this rate, mommies will have 40 yo sitting on the couch playing video games.


Seriously ... you're 33 years old. Do you honestly expect men to be childless?


A guy just can't fucking win with you women. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.


Here this guy is an active father .... and you women complain.
The other side of the coin - a deadbeat dad .... and you women complain.



jfc

Posted by happykitsune

Posted by DMV
Not have plans continually cancelled or postponed and have my life put on hold while the guy faffed about sorting his stuff out. I got increasingly angry over the years when we couldn't go out or do something as planned yet he would always find the time to do stuff with his kid, even if it was go to the cinema and a pizza. What does that say about where I fell on his priority scale? It would never have changed or got better. I found myself becoming miserable and my confidence and self esteem took a knock. Perhaps if I had kids I'd have a different view point
----
This is how I feel. Im not even a month in and I feel my confidence in myself from this courtship is not where it should be.

I know you're not married, and maybe not even thinking about marriage, but here's how I see it in the long run.

Some people may not agree, but I feel that a spouse should be the top priority, and then kids second. This all seems to become far too muddled when you bring someone else's kid into it because at that point the father or mother feels like they need to make their kid a priority (at least until they grow up). At least when you are married with both of you having YOUR kids you don't have to feel like they will put the kids as a priority because you are all the same family.

click to expand

when you have children, it IS top priority. I wouldn't want to be with a man who doesn't feel children are the first priority: their needs, nurturing, basic parental guidance, ect. in their growing years. that screams irresponsibility and a man who is not into families/tradition.

I'm sure there's plenty of men out there that love to have just a "coupledom" relationship with no children. Infact, we do know of plenty out there in real life, who are friends of friends of our relatives/sisters friends who have decided they don't want children because they hate kids. It's NOT for them. They are good people who just decided no, not for me. And that's ok for both of them.

I still agree w/ many of you, of no freaking drama with the ex in between.

The only thing in P-Angel's contribution I agree with is the criteria bit, such as, it could be a job or another relative, something other than a kid, and yes, I had already referenced this point.

The rest is just the usual waffle.

Posted by AgentP911

Posted by DMV

Posted by lisabethur8
i mean, the ex wife, or ex girlfriend who has had babies with the guy you're dating, and then he is Always in the middle with the children cause the ex wife .ex girlfriend is calling and all the drama is Always there.
and not to mention, the animosity you're gonna feel with the children because you are the NEW woman and they will look at you with daggers in their eyes cause you are the woman who took away their daddy away from mommy idea.

that would be so shitty

Yes. This. It is a big factor to consider and one I ultimately was not happy with. Had circumstances been different then ok but all that drama and shit... No thanks.

click to expand

a person who would go through this, has a will of steel. lol or just cray-cray. 😛

Posted by P-Angel

At this rate, mommies will have 40 yo sitting on the couch playing video games.


Seriously ... you're 33 years old. Do you honestly expect men to be childless?


A guy just can't fucking win with you women. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.


Here this guy is an active father .... and you women complain.
The other side of the coin - a deadbeat dad .... and you women complain.



jfc

Yes. Not all men around this age have put their dick into fanny and spawned a kid.

DMV..

This is the guy you mentioned on the Sag board right? The gentleman? That entire topic made me feel like you have some kind of insecurity..either not measuring up to him or not having dealt with a gentleman before. There seemed to be a lot of..intimidation there. Almost caution, despite the admiration and the excitement you had going on.

You might want to consider if this topic has no place at all and it has nothing to do with children or anything but everything to do with you self-sabotaging for fear of not handling right something good that finally comes your way. Lacking experience in a way. So your way is to pre-emptive strike to get the hell out of a situation that you feel you lack experience in.

Posted by DMV

It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me.

Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

Really? No shit?

So, it's perfectly normal for a women in her 30's to have that mind-set?

There's no way I could ever be able to relate to people around me. They cannot grasp general principals ... people are grossly consumed with believing they are the center of the universe, and utterly blind to their immediate surroundings, much less the actual vastness of reality.

I've tried a Sagittarius that supposedly had five kids ranging from 18-5 years old. It was really hard to meet..I had to get over the selfishness and had to do something on his terms because he either had his kids or did something else. We would make time when we could. Everytime he wanted to do something spontaneous. I couldn't because of my work schedule.. or if I wanted to he was working and with kids.

Posted by Damnata
DMV..

This is the guy you mentioned on the Sag board right? The gentleman? That entire topic made me feel like you have some kind of insecurity..either not measuring up to him or not having dealt with a gentleman before. There seemed to be a lot of..intimidation there. Almost caution, despite the admiration and the excitement you had going on.

You might want to consider if this topic has no place at all and it has nothing to do with children or anything but everything to do with you self-sabotaging for fear of not handling right something good that finally comes your way. Lacking experience in a way. So your way is to pre-emptive strike to get the hell out of a situation that you feel you lack experience in.

This point is worded very well. There may or may not be any truth in this point but it is significantly easier for the reader to digest and it is easier to understand where the writer is coming from.

P-Angel, take note...

But I am single with no kids. So it just takes patience which I have and compatibility. And I have to think what I would do if I had kids and dating. It's to put your own kids before a guy always.

Thansk P Angel, I did address some of the points you brought up.

as a venus in cap, I know alll about earning my keep. Im not looking for validation. Im looking for an EQUAL level of courtship. I keep score in all my relationships. I feel better when things are equal.

His daughter should be his priority. I totally get that.

I see what your getting at with the 33 y/o thing. Guys have told me that feel l I me they won the lottery when they meet me. Having no children is rare. Im probably more of a red flag than he is.

Seraph, thank you for breaking it down lol. Your right in that aspect. He is a package deal. I do not fault him for having a great relationship with his kid. Hes a good guy, its just that the time he spends with her makes me so jealous and im battling the urge not to get dramatic.

it could be anything, pet, gma, job. Im finding that 3rd parties of any type really bother me. Dammit, there can only be one.ME. LOL

I laugh, but theres truth in jest. I have to feel like a priority. Since being a priority may be out the question, at least make me feel like im not being neglected.

I guess im just disappointed in the pool.

Posted by starlover
DMV
I get what you are saying....spontaneity is good when dating someone but with kids involved this isn't always possible and can become challenging

Get yourself a single guy who is free to come and go as he pleases.

And No I don't think you are douchey . 🙂

yeah star. The spontaneity thing is dead on. Im not much of a planner at all. Maybe I could give it the old college go.

Posted by Sugarfoot

Posted by P-Angel



What I mean is ... the child is irrelevant. It could be a pet, a job, grandma ... and you would still have this same feeling of entitlement = believing you deserve more than earned.

Yea pretty much this.

You said he's top on your list. But should he be though? One month in? You say him turning you down for dates is making you feel insecure, but it could really be that your expectations at this point are really whats making you feel insecure.

I saw your other thread on the sag board. You said he's a good dude. If this is the only issue, I'd give it more time to let things develop between you two. You may be surprised that as time goes on and he develops more feelings for you, how you rise up the totem pole in priorities.

Then again, he might be using the kid as an excuse. There hasn't really been enough time to tell though IMO.

click to expand

by priority I mean, if he asks me to go on a date, im saying yes. No games. I wanna hang out. I make the time.

but as Star laid out, he has to go about this by planning.

I am a spontaneous person and when I get told, to wait or hold on, I get all WHY.—

This is a good discussion tho. Maybe I have to get with the times.