Dating People with Kids (Page 3)

well why did i bother to quote?? 😛

welllllll just don't date men with children. tell them, sorry buddy but i can't have your babies in my life. I want full attention, so good night and take care. Give your babies hugs and kisses for me. Muah. *blows kisses* and rides off into the sunset in search for single men with no children.

Leave this man, and the rest of the men with kids alone. It's not fair for him or his child to deal with someone indecisive or dealing with conflicting feelings regarding them and their life. It's not something that's going to change... There are many men out there without kids, but next time it might be a career to come ahead of you, or his parents or fill in the blank family member. You're need for attention seems deep rooted, maybe take care of that then go for a relationship. Seeing you on this board it doesn't seem like you take a break or take time for yourself, you jump from guy to guy without a break in between.

"There are many men out there without kids"
I agree.


Maybe those with kids have the advantage that we think they are more dependable.

Yet this could be an illusion. Some of these "parents" do their bed hopping while enjoying their halo with grandparents backing them up.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong or unfair. You just want to feel important and be able to spend time with him. I am not a fan of kids yet I've been dating (and soon to be engaged to) a man with two. He lets me know how important I am to him and does make time for me. I don't think that's unfair to his kids. He loves them, also, but wants to give all of us our own time with him. It hasn't been the easiest since he's never available on weekends unless we plan ahead (which he's more willing to make such plans than I am). If you want to see where it goes with him, you'll have to get used to him not always being available. However, I think if he cares for you, he should make you feel like a priority and also try to spend time with you as well as his kids. Love between parents and children is different than romantic love, obviously. You can be the most important person in his life while he also shares a deep parental bond with his children. That's my opinion, anyway. Either way, it will take some adjusting on your part. If you don't like the weight or restrictions, then don't waste your time. If you think you can compromise a bit and live with things how they are, then keep trying. That's what I think.

Posted by Scenic
I don't think you're doing anything wrong or unfair. You just want to feel important and be able to spend time with him. I am not a fan of kids yet I've been dating (and soon to be engaged to) a man with two. He lets me know how important I am to him and does make time for me. I don't think that's unfair to his kids. He loves them, also, but wants to give all of us our own time with him. It hasn't been the easiest since he's never available on weekends unless we plan ahead (which he's more willing to make such plans than I am). If you want to see where it goes with him, you'll have to get used to him not always being available. However, I think if he cares for you, he should make you feel like a priority and also try to spend time with you as well as his kids. Love between parents and children is different than romantic love, obviously. You can be the most important person in his life while he also shares a deep parental bond with his children. That's my opinion, anyway. Either way, it will take some adjusting on your part. If you don't like the weight or restrictions, then don't waste your time. If you think you can compromise a bit and live with things how they are, then keep trying. That's what I think.

thanks for your post. Im just sharing how i feel inside and whats makes me insecure. To alot of Parents on DXP, this thread could be hard to read.

I am willing to make adjustments if he is also willing to make adjustments.

Posted by LetltB

Posted by DMV
I thought I could do this but I dont know if I can.

This is a new experience for me and im kinda uncomfortable about the situation. It honestly makes me mad and insecure and dramatic when the kid is rightfully chosen over me. Yes, I know this isnt logical. His child should come first but its hard concept for me to honestly sympathize because I dont have any.

I just feel like I wanna go out and do all these things and have fun, get to know more and more about him but I have to wait for him becasue he wants to spend time with his daughter. Honestly it gives me blue balls and turns me off.

Its really messing up with my need for complete devotion from my interest.

what do I do?

Do both him and and his daughter a favor and find someone else without kids. This won't change, his daughter will always be #1. If you can unselfishly accept that it works, but I understand many women cannot do this. It's hard, but if it's making you mad, resentful (that's what it sounds like), then you need to cut your losses and walk.

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nor should it change, which is why im vetting this very carefully.

Posted by prettyladii
Leave this man, and the rest of the men with kids alone. It's not fair for him or his child to deal with someone indecisive or dealing with conflicting feelings regarding them and their life. It's not something that's going to change... There are many men out there without kids, but next time it might be a career to come ahead of you, or his parents or fill in the blank family member. You're need for attention seems deep rooted, maybe take care of that then go for a relationship. Seeing you on this board it doesn't seem like you take a break or take time for yourself, you jump from guy to guy without a break in between .

..

lmao. tell me how you really feel.

I actually take alot of time for myself and because of that, i know myself quite well.

I meet alot of men and i entertain who i want 2. Isnt that what dating is? Am i not supposed to keep trying to build a connection?

I dont lick my wounds in a corner for months. I get back on that horse and keep trying.

The men i write about dont get a commitment from me unless i give them that. im not at all selective in who i sleep with, but getting into a relationship...nope that is a whole other process in itself. a very selective one. One that will open your eyes up to a very different DMV.

He's a good guy, so i have many factors to weigh in on before i make a major move.

Posted by DMV
thanks for your post. Im just sharing how i feel inside and whats makes me insecure. To alot of Parents on DXP, this thread could be hard to read.

I am willing to make adjustments if he is also willing to make adjustments.

Believe me...I read you loud and clear. Been there and done it...TWICE.
The first one I married and stayed married for a long time (2 kids), the second one lasted five years. (3 kids)

It is not easy at all and I LOVE kids. I still get Mother's Day cards from my step-children. However, it took a very long time, a lot of sacrifices and a great deal of effort. Both of my experiences was topped with dealing psycho nut job ex-wives which made it worse. I will NEVER date a man with kids again. Adjustments are good between two adults DMV, but when you throw kids in the mix, you must go with the flow and be very flexible.

I have two boys and have dated both men with and without children. I have never met anybody else' children, and vice-versa. I think most single parents know very early on if a new person is "partner potential" and worthy of involvement into the family unit. But I have lived like this for the last 4 years, now its time for me to meet somebody special. I have an obligation to fulfill my own happiness too, and my kids aren't going to need me forever they way that they do now. Its taken me this long to get the "juggling act" of single parenthood right, and i agree with an earlier comment about "making time" for the right person. I don't have so much time to give, but when i do, you can be sure its because I want to. I have met guys without kids who give loads of crap excuses not to make time..work, the gym, football dedication etc. Screw that!

I am the same way. I am turning 39 in may, never had kids, never wanted them. I've been lucky so far to only have dated men without kids, although I did get married at 24, we didn't have any, I left him at 30 and had a relationship with one man after that who also didn't have kids but wanted some one day... that didn't work out, but not just for that reason alone. That wasn't really a factor at all, actually.

My boyfriend now, I am over 6 years older than he is, he has also never had kids, and being a scorp, also hasn't had a lot of serious relationships and wasn't ever one to fool around. So hopefully this relationship is the one for life, I really do not think I could ever find a connection like this one so that bar has been raised super high, and it is because neither of us have kids and he doesn't have an ex battle-axe making his life difficult.

That is a huge factor for me. A man having kids is difficult enough to wrap my head around dating because of all the reasons stated, but the idea of having an ex that he has to stay in contact with continuously just doesn't sit well with me. Trust could not be built on such a flimsy foundation.

The having been married thing I understand, but yeah, when men have a baby mama or two or three, that just tells me they aren't responsible with their sex lives and it looks really sloppy to me. I wouldn't trust someone like that, either they can't control their sexual urges or they're chumps who get manipulated by women.

A lot of women have kids for the benefits, it seems, especially in certain parts of the world, like England, where my man is from. A lot of single fathers and mothers out there. We're both glad he was always cautious and didn't just lie in bed with someone when the opportunity arises, which is what a lot of his friends got caught up in and are chained to these women they were not meant to be with by these poor kids.

I like kids, but I don't care for the responsibility, which is why I never had any myself. I understand that men can get trapped easier than women when it comes to pregnancy, the woman chooses to keep it or not, or to make him stick around or not, for better or for worse. I don't need that kind of stress in my life.

Also, and this could just be a TL;DR, I just don't play second fiddle to nobody.

I appreciate this thread and your acknowledging that this could be difficult for parents to read. I've gotten a lot of looks and "why?"'s when I have stated my stance on the subject, it is not meant to be offensive, I need to look out for myself in the end, though, and while I realize that the older we are the more likely they do have kids, and in our 30's they're likely to be at that age they need to be prioritized and I leave them alone. When I was single, if I encountered a man I found briefly interesting and found out he either had or wanted kids, that interest was gone in a pinch. Self preservation, and all that. We all gotta do what we gotta do, and those kids come first. If they didn't, that is not acceptable. Just not for me to be with a parent. 🙂

OMG, how offensive are you? I'm from the UK and that might be your viewpoint, but since you're not from here then you should shut your mouth. And lucky that you've never had any kids because you sound like a fucking clown!!!!

I don't know that I could date a man with children, at least not seriously. For different reasons than you though.

I don't think your reasons are selfish, just honest.

Posted by Sola
OMG, how offensive are you? I'm from the UK and that might be your viewpoint, but since you're not from here then you should shut your mouth. And lucky that you've never had any kids because you sound like a fucking clown!!!!

Actually, that's my boyfriend's point of view, as he lives there, and at least in the area he lives in, he has seen this happen with everybody. I didn't just pull that out of my ass. All his friends are single fathers or involved with single mothers and they all got pregnant young, and continue getting pregnant as though they never heard of birth control, and then they use the kids to claim more benefits and control the baby daddies, a factor which makes him very glad he has always been cautious and didn't just lie in bed when the opportunity presented itself, which happens, and girls offered themselves to him, maybe his being a heavy scorpio has something to do with his caution... It is a bit of a clusterfuck since he has seen his friends get tied down to ball-buster girlfriends sleep with other guys and use sex as punishment/revenge. I do understand that is a small sample of the world, but it is the one he lives in, and it is true that in that area, the women are pretty intense. He's always had an inclination towards Canadians, his last serious relationship was with a Canadian and he found everyone here really chill, comparatively.

I am very careful, always have been, because I don't want to get knocked up. I don't see why that can be so difficult for some people.

Speaking of ball busting, you telling me to shut my mouth and that I sound like a fucking clown only validates his point. MUAH!

DMV, Just wanted to say I've always admired your style with respect to how you interact with people and digest feedback.

🍹, lady.

Best of luck.

Posted by Sola
OMG, how offensive are you? I'm from the UK and that might be your viewpoint, but since you're not from here then you should shut your mouth. And lucky that you've never had any kids because you sound like a fucking clown!!!!

what did you find offensive? I can she where shes coming from.

Posted by DMV

Posted by Sola
OMG, how offensive are you? I'm from the UK and that might be your viewpoint, but since you're not from here then you should shut your mouth. And lucky that you've never had any kids because you sound like a fucking clown!!!!

what did you find offensive? I can she where shes coming from.

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I'm from the UK and live in the UK. It is very much like the other member said. People having kids in order to claim benefits/welfare. Not just one kid but the magic number 'five' significantly increases the amount of 'free' money you gain.

The incentive to work and do well is becoming significantly reduced. Of course, this isn't everyone or everywhere but the point she, or her boyfriend, was making is a valid one. Why work when you can have a kid and get a free home and free money each month.

What pisses me off is that I need a new boiler installed which is going to cost me a few grand... But guess what? If I was on benefit/welfare I'd get a brand new one for free!

The government hands out benefit/welfare here like it's chocolate and sweeties. They don't tell me people to get a job or work more hours... And don't get me started on 'working tax credits'! If you only work a little bit, don't worry as the government will 'top up' your income and send you a nice big cheque so you get the same as if you were working more... People moan about the 'foreigners' taking the jobs but that's crap too, a lot of people are just too lazy to work and they have a dangerously misplaced sense of entitlement.

In my opinion, if you're clever or work hard or study etc and get a good job and work your way up etc then good for you.

If you didn't bother at school, didn't study, no qualifications, no drive to work hard then expect to only get a minimum wage job. Do not expect someone to hand you a ??50k a year job!

Gotta love Labour government for championing the underdog!

You only need to look at Jezza Kyle in the morning...

This is going off topic but that's my two pence worth!

i know it's going off topic but foreigners are hired because alot of people don't want to do the DIRTY jobs. like working out in the fields for hours and janitorial work cleaning out people's shits. Not many want to do it. so foreigners are willing to do the dirty work, and they don't complain because work is work.

and yeah i agree, don't complain about foreigners, because if they aren't willing to work for the low-end type of jobs when they're out of work, and lack skills and education, then what?

I repeat, I happen to be a single parent. The reason being that my ex was an abuser both physically and emotionally. I could of stayed of course.. i could have destroyed the lives of myself and my kids just to say i was part of a "normal" family unit. I instead it all got taken into police hands and here I am tarred with the same retard brush as the people who DO have kids for those reasons. He wasnt always like that before anyone pipes up about "well, why would you have kids with a guy like that?" So its unfair to assume (although I know people think about it about me) that women cant keep their legs closed, arent responsible about contraception and are ambitious about a life on benefits.

I repeat, I happen to be a single parent. The reason being that my ex was an abuser both physically and emotionally. I could of stayed of course.. i could have destroyed the lives of myself and my kids just to say i was part of a "normal" family unit. I instead it all got taken into police hands and here I am tarred with the same retard brush as the people who DO have kids for those reasons. He wasnt always like that before anyone pipes up about "well, why would you have kids with a guy like that?" So its unfair to assume (although I know people think about it about me) that women cant keep their legs closed, arent responsible about contraception and are ambitious about a life on benefits.

Sola, I understand why you had a knee jerk reaction like that, I know it is frustrating to be judged based off of what is convenient for others to base their assessment of you on by using the lowest common denominator, (I get that for choosing to not have kids and also being in a long distance relationship, people assume the most offensive things and actually say it to your face like you're something to loathe and pity) but I certainly was never insinuating that about you. I don't even think I have seen your posts until this thread where you took offense to what I said. If I hit a nerve it was definitely not intentional.

I don't believe women should "keep their legs closed", I would never ever even say that unless I am quoting that in order to express my distain for somebody telling somebody else to do so. I don't think women should have to refrain from enjoying sex however they wish, I do know that birth control has a failure rate, and I am pro choice, so I would never jump the bandwagon and tell somebody that they either never have sex or only do it if they plan on having kids. I also would never tell somebody they should not keep the baby because they are not in a relationship or are in a bad one. That is up to her and her alone, and it would be a better world if people would support each other instead of judge. Relationships can go bad, we can end up marrying somebody who comes off as wonderful until they sign that marriage license and then they're an abusive nightmare.

I am certainly not only blaming the women, I can see how that could have been taken as such but men can be deadbeats, which is why there are lovely single women out there not given a chance because she let love in and happened to find herself pregnant and tangled with an asshole, and I know what it is like to feel trapped with somebody who is emotionally abusive. It is just as bad as physical abuse, and emotional abuse is often the predecessor of physical abuse, so by the time they are physically harming you, you are already lost. 😢 You don't have to be pregnant to find yourself trapped, you just have to have been manipulated to the point where you believe you are alone and too afraid to jump off the sinking ship into the dark unknown.

I am so glad you got out of that situation. I can tell you are a good person, I just happened to trigger something unintentionally. Hopefully we can start over?

I am very defensive about this particular suject, So much so that I had therapy to deal with it! So, I appreciate your perspective and that you took the time to write your post. Start over? Hell yeah! 🙂

Posted by Sugarfoot

Posted by PhoenixRising
DMV, Just wanted to say I've always admired your style with respect to how you interact with people and digest feedback.

🍹, lady.

Best of luck.

Amen to that. Very admirable indeed 🙂

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🙂

Posted by Sola
I am very defensive about this particular suject, So much so that I had therapy to deal with it! So, I appreciate your perspective and that you took the time to write your post. Start over? Hell yeah! 🙂

I have topics that trigger my defences like that, too, so I get it.

Yay! 🙂

Posted by Twodrinkminimum

Unless you are on team no children ever, I think it's a little bit more of a red flag once a person reaches a certain age and still doesn't have children or never been married. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to assume they have commitment or other issues.

oh i get that all the time. i even get asked if i have something wrong with my woman parts. Like there must be something wrong with me. No, i just take commitment extremely seriously and childbearing is not a hobby of mine.

i actually wish more men exercised better judgement in their early years. You meet a woman like me and i may disqualify you because you have kids whereas you might be a stand up guy.

But i just dont want to deal with all that.

Its just so foreign for me, this whole dating/courtship thing. Its even more foreign to date someone who has a kid; a young one who needs and should get his attention.

i guess it just slows down my side of the courtship. Id like to keep building but i gotta wait. I just hope other parents see where im coming from. If you are out in the dating world and dating people w/o kids, this is an adjustment for them 2. How do you parents feel; divided?

Its just frustrating tis all. Then i feel bad because the more time i spend with him, the less time she will get. She's going to notice that. we have hectic schedules during the week. The weekend is the only time we both have.

Omg there is nothing sexier than a single dad who loves and dotes on his kids imo...especially daddy's with their daughters. My heart melts and my ovaries twitch lol.

But with that said, I appreciate your honesty and I think it would ultimately be a struggle for me to date someone with kids as well...but more so because of the baby mama I think.