Attachment styles/love avoidant/love addict

Attachment style s/love avoidant/love addict

The Love Avoidant partner may send just enough mixed messages to keep the fantasy alive—just enough to give you some hint of what “might be possible,” “could be possible,” or “would be possible.”

Yet the reality is that what is possible will never actually be. Any sporadic “crumbs” of connection you get are as much as you will ever get with an avoidant, with the caveat that if they are willing to work on coming closer and perhaps seek counseling individually or as a couple, it's possible to form a healthier, more satisfying connection.

Avoiding physical closeness—avoiding sex or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; walking ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered.



Refusal to commit—makes assorted statements to shun commitment to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships,” all while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years.



Avoids verbalizing “I love you”—avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it."



Sabotages when things are going well—when a relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way (e.g., starts arguments, suddenly acts angry, becomes passive-aggressive, doesn't keep agreements, becomes controlling or reactive, creates unnecessary drama).



Cheats or has affairs — Establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates a relationship with unavailable people (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship).



Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicates — Refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve or negotiate conflicts; withholds feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs; rebuffs sharing internal or external stressors.

Criticizes or devalues — Partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on flaws; belittles or mocks (e.g., how the partner talks, dresses, eats, etc.); blames partner for issues; shows resentment and negative attitude, even toward traits once appreciated.



Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend) — Talks or thinks about a past partner with craving or nostalgia; idealizes the ex while ignoring imperfections. May dream of a "perfect partner" somewhere out there.

* This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidant's mind, it justifies: “I’m okay, my current partner is the problem.” It’s a way to emotionally distance while appearing capable of love — don’t fall for it. Dreaming about an ex or an ideal partner doesn’t equal emotional availability.



Flirting with others — Leads on, flirts, teases, or entertains others with little concern for their partner’s feelings. This sends a message: “I’m always looking for someone better.” It’s emotionally abusive and creates insecurity. As the saying goes, “Flirting is the art of keeping distance at a safe distance.”



Emotionally “checks out” of relationship — Spends excessive time away; shows disinterest in partner’s life or feelings; rarely initiates or sustains conversations; ignores caring gestures; gives the impression of indifference or emotional neglect.



Keeps secrets — Withholds information (e.g., finances, whereabouts, relationships); communicates in unclear or vague ways; avoids openness with partner or even close friends/family. This stems from an ingrained desire for independence.

* Healthy relationships require inter-dependency — a balance of autonomy and closeness. Too much independence can destroy intimacy.



Focus is outside/away from the relationship — Regularly diverts time and energy elsewhere (e.g., work, hobbies, other relationships); may engage in addictions (e.g., porn, drugs, gambling). This is a tactic to avoid intimacy and connection within the relationship.

“Prove it” tests

They want reassurance without giving you commitment.

-I need consistency

-I need to feel chosen

-prove you’re serious

You act like a spouse, provide emotional labor, availability, sacrifices all while they avoid putting a label on it, shared plans or legal/financial entanglements.

If you ask for clarity you’re told you’re pressuring them. Passing the test would require them to tolerate intimacy. They can’t. So the test will never end.

Self sacrifice test

You’re expected to

Change your schedule around them

Limit friendships that make them uncomfortable

Delay your goals

Absorb inconveniences

They would never do the same for you. If you hesitate to sacrifice it’s framed as lack of love rather than self respect.

They demand compliance.

May this type of love never find me.

Emotional endurance test

They withdraw, ghost, create ambiguity

You’re expected to chase them. Yes even when they ghost you, they want you to chase.

If you protest the ambiguity by not chasing you failed. If you silently endure it, they still won’t feel safe.

The improvement test

They point out flaws

You’re too sensitive, you don’t listen to me, you need to grow

You read books, go to therapy, take accountability, change your behaviors. They don’t change. When you improve, they find something new and harder to define

Loyalty under disrespect test (ride or die)

If ride or die ever comes out of someone’s mouth, run the opposite direction immediately. They have plans to put you through hell.

They say or do something hurtful or unfair then watch and wait on your reaction. Do you forgive easily?

Staying is framed as love. Leaving is betrayal.

The crisis test (mutya I hope you see this)

During stress, grief or uncertainty they pull away or become demanding

You’re expected to be strong on your own and not need their support. Their withdrawal will be framed as “that’s just how I cope with things”

The vague standard test

They say things like

-I need more time

-I just don’t feel it yet

-you haven’t shown me enough

Don’t be fooled, there is no finish line. No measurable criteria. It’s all hinging on the vibes from their unregulated nervous system.

You won’t pass a test with an ever changing rubric.

Passing their tests does not make them more willing to commit. The tests are not evaluation, they are avoidance.

Never chase an avoidant. Have respectful boundaries. Don’t take their distancing behaviors personally. They have nothing to do with you.

Does it say what causes these?

That's the other piece of the puzzle imo.

Posted by FuelAirPropellant
Does it say what causes these?

That's the other piece of the puzzle imo.

usually formed ages 0-5 by your primary caregivers.

I’ll do anxious attachment next but I don’t really see very many people complaining about their anxiously attached partner. Not on this forum at least. If anything it’s the anxiously attached people seeking clarity on the avoidants.

You know, every attachment quiz ive ever taken I've consistently gotten Secure Attachment. But I know my life, and it would have been earned, and not inherited, if taht were the case. But the more I dove into all of this, ive come to realize I was secure in myself, like I know I got me, and can get me through fucking anything, I have no quit, I do know people would have my back if I asked, I just rarely do, I was a control freak, anything that could touch me at an emotional level I had to beat the shit out of to be sure it wasnt going hurt me. Why let someone else in, when I got me. I did several you listed here. I used to tell people who wanted my attention different versions of the same story that I was already comfortable telling, so it wasnt new or raw that could expose me in some way, and see which story got leaked. It was an odd game, and I did begin to realize that. I thought I was testing loyalty. I really did. I was not one to say Ride or Die, without being tongue in cheek, but loyalty is the #1 value I hold in high regard. But I was never into blind loyalty. I want to be held accountable.

But really do think you can be both secure and avoidant. It sounds like a contradiction, I know, but I was raised in home where my parents divorced, my dad moved out of state and all over really for work, my mom became a full on selfish whore, and my sister who is way older than I and had mental issues over her childhood stabbed me, beat me, was unhinged all the time, spent time in Psych wards, cops at my house all the time. So I basically left home at 14 and just did drugs and drank with my hoodrat friends. Put myself through school, still played football, still did everything I knew was good for me, intuitively (except the drugs part). Then I kinda became a sex addict, but I also knew it was because I had really good dope (weed and shrooms, acid, not speed and tgat shit) got a job at 16. Started to get serious with a gemini and decided I probably needed to get a house, so I did. Yada yada on myb18th birthday the gemini and I was fucking, I had done an 8 ball of coke, some shrooms, a bunch of pills I was handed, I basically just made the rounds with all my dope friends who gave me their "gifts".. I did them all as soon as they gave them to me.. that night, in the middle of sex, I ODed. The Gemini started to leave me, I seen her. She was panicked and I had a ton of drugs on and in me.. i understood, i had piece of shit thoughts too, but I always let the angel on my should talk louder. I just remember waking up perched on a cabinet in the corner of a hospital room, confused as to where I was.. I remember being perched and there was a bright light in front of me, I wanted to run, but I just sat there curious as to what that was, I didnt know I was unconscious at this point. It was the light of the hospital room, so then i was curious as to who was on the table, it was me, in a gown. So I looked around the room. I remember 1 of the 2 nurses pulling my gown up to see my junk. I remember the car stereo that was in the wall with 2 6×9 speakers. I remembered the doctors love for country music and the nurses sighs of displeasure as the changed the song to country. But then I woke up in a wheelchair in a waiting room. The nurse who pulled my gown apart was there beside me. She explained I had ODed and they pumped my stomach, that my heart had stooed for a decent amount of time and they had given me some charcoal something. Then I asked if she seen my dick, and she blushed, then I described the room, amd she was confusesd and just keept nodding yes to every detail I shared. She was like theres no way you know this, like you were dead, we had to bring you back. So she wheeled me back there to see, amd it was exactly like I remembered. Even the cabinet that I seemed to be bound to,

Anyway, that was a tangent, but basically at that point I quit drugs cold turkey. Quit everything that didn't serve me. And basically decided instead of turn outside to heal the inside, id turn inward. And if I noticed ibwas becoming dependent on anything i had to kill the habit before it took a hold of me. I knew inhad an addictive personality at this point. I dumped the Gemini because that moment of indecisiveness as I laid in bed, naked, blue, gasping for air and trying plead for help, I just couldnt trust her. Im thankful she did the right thing and called an ambulance or id be dead. But I just couldnt. I would do that for a stranger to hell with any drug related charges I might get.. I cant even fathom saying I cared about someone and then bailing on them when the needed you the most. Im thankfully not wired that way.

I really think all this taught me not to trust people who say they love you, because given the chance, in the darkest of times, they're going to bail on you too. All you had coming into this life was yourself, and the only one youll have going out will be yourself. And I was secure in that. I was secure in asking for help and expecting to be let down.

So, it showed up as secure on tests, but really I was avoidant.

Im working on though. Shits painful. Its like ripping out roots.

There was a test where you place somewhere on a graph to show you exactly which attachment style you are.

If they allow me to put up a picture, this is where I stand:



The quiz:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment- style -quiz/