Being with someone whose never been hurt

I've heard alot of people swear they'd prefer NOT to be with someone who either has never: 1. Been hurt or 2. Never hurt anyone before.

At 1st I thought the comments were silly but then I really started thinking deeply about it & realized that some of their reasonings made alot of sense.

Do you think a person or relationship is MORE likely to fail/hurt you if 1 or both people have never been hurt?

It's kind of like the difference b/w someone whose played the field, got hurt & hurt others VS. the person who is inexperienced and/or has never been hurt.

Or the person whose sexually experienced vs. the person who isn't. On 1 hand, we want someone whose experienced b/c wisdom from experience always helps. But on the other hand, who wants to be with someone whose only great in bed b/c they had to sleep with half the town just to learn those tricks?!

It reminds me of a convo I had with my parents when I was just a teen. My 1st love at the time had never been in a relationship or had sex before me. My parents loved him, BUT they kept warning me that his lack of experience in hurting others & seeing the after-effects of those hurts could actually be a bad thing.

In other words, someone whose never been hurt may not fully understand the concept of what it's like to hurt someone else b/c it hasn't yet been done to them, thus they're 9xs more likely to either purposely or accidentally hurt you b/c they haven't yet had the experience of knowing what it's like to be hurt, therefore they're a little bit more likely to hurt others b/c of that 1st hand lack of experience.

What do you guys think?

Would you prefer someone whose never been hurt OR the person whose hurt 2 people & been hurt by 5 people, just for the sake of knowing that you're with someone whose got "experience?"

"I also doubt anyone has 'never been hurt'"

Well depending on age, this could be entirely true.

Those who swear they've never been hurt usually say so b/c 1. They don't wanna admit that they've been hurt 2. They think that acknowledging that they've been hurt is the same as weakness or proving that their naive/fools/blind. 3. They've never allowed anyone to get close enough for a betrayal to occur/affect in them in the 1st place 4. They literally have been hurt/played, but just don't know/believe it yet!

Why do our elders really claim that young people should hold off on getting into serious relationships until they get older?

Is it really b/c they'd prefer they have their college degrees & are financially/emotionally/spiritually stable first before seeking love? OR is it b/c there really is something to the argument that those who are inexperienced are more likely to cause damage to others (sometimes w/o even realizing it)?

Sometimes the only way to prevent yourself from doing something harmful to another person lies in having 1st hand experience of what the very same thing feels like if it's done to you.

How can a person truly put themselves in your "shoes" if they can't even fathom what it's like to begin with? And yes, I truly believe that half of what we decide NOT to do stems from what we hate being done to us (this is how we learn the value or empathy--and empathy plays a big part in how we all learn right/wrong)

But had we never had those very same things done to us, can we honestly say that we would've fully understood the effects of our actions? Can we really say that had those things never happend to us that we'd be as sensitive to the needs/fears of others?

True, the person whose been hurt better knows how to hurt others

BUT the person whose never been hurt yet is more likely to hurt someone else w/o even realizing it since he hasn't yet experienced what cause & effect is like in relationships.


Kind of like the reason why adults don't put their hands on hot stoves even though kids do. The adults know better b/c they've already been burned, but the kids who haven't been burned yet are naturally inclined to do so b/c they don't know any better

The person with experience may know all the tricks & be a better manipulator simply b/c..well...they have the experience & have learned that from their own past

HOWEVER, a person without any experience may not fully understand the DOs/DONTs yet b/c they haven't ever had to be held accountable for certain things, thus they're more likely to engage in certain behaviors.

She should have at least one heartbreak so if she ever has to break my heart, she can do it with tact and not make me feel like the world's most useless, manipulative, worthless, abandoned and ugliest man alive.

Posted by Reason
neither would be important enough as to consider whether or not

and we can hardly ever fully understand what and why we do anyway

I agree that someone's experience or lack thereof in a certain shouldn't make/break things, BUT I do atleast take it into consideration just like I would someone's past (even though I know that people change).

Posted by krysrenee7

I've heard alot of people swear they'd prefer NOT to be with someone who either has never: 1. Been hurt or 2. Never hurt anyone before.

I've never heard anyone say that .. and I've lived half a century, and know twice as many people as you do .. and never once has anyone ever said that, much less sworn to it.

Posted by krysrenee7

It reminds me of a convo I had with my parents when I was just a teen. My 1st love at the time had never been in a relationship or had sex before me. My parents loved him, BUT they kept warning me that his lack of experience in hurting others & seeing the after-effects of those hurts could actually be a bad thing.

click to expand

Oh, right .... it's just you again, trying to make it sound like everyone is like you.

Posted by starlover
""Your parents were probably quite right in as much as lack of experience can be very challenging in a relationship. I have been through this with men more than once. Although i feel "baggage" can be hard to handle, on the other hand, the naivety of an inexperienced person can put pressure on a relationship....one has to exercise great patience with the other

...in my experience 🙂

Turns out they were right.

I was my ex's 1st girlfriend...his 1st everything. And although I believed he loved me too death, he still didn't have the opportunity/experience to really play the field & date any other women. His lack of experience made him want to venture out & explore other options...not b/c he was a cheater but b/c it hit him 2 years into the relationship that I was the only person he'd ever known/been with & that was a scary feeling. It's scary to know that your 1st girlfriend, whom you've proposed to, may be the only woman you'll ever be with your entire life (considering he only wanted to be married once & wanted it to last forever)

So for that reason, I wasn't mad at him when he started developing the infamous "wandering eye."

I agree, is all about anyones experience in life (always diffrent to any person), good or bad, more or less, doesnt matter.

I don't agree with the "Men are born to be/sleep with as many women as they can get away with" theory BUT I do understand it. I don't embrace it or feel sorry for the men who ALLOW this theory to be present in their thinking, but I don't have a choice but to try to understand it since SO many men are this way.

The good thing though is that even some of the men who just wanna go around spreading their "Seed" use protection or atleast have some morals in the protection/stds/unwanted pregnancy department. Without this small percentage of guys left, there'd be 10xs more single mothers & children w/o fathers altogether

If you think about it, how many times have we seen/heard mothers telling their young sons to NOT settle down b/c they're too "young." Moms never care about their sons having sex with everybody UNLESS there's an unwanted pregnancy involved. But their emphasis to their sons is not that having sex with many girls is the immoral thing, but instead that the unwanted pregnancies is the thing to stay away from

So technically, WOMEN are also sub-consciously teaching their sons the "seed" theory just as much as other men

I've seen so many young mothers try to persuade their sons NOT to get in relationships or not to settle down all b/c they're young. Welp, kids having sex is gonna happen regardless, AND so is boys wanting to be in relationships. I've seen more mamas gripe about their sons having girlfriends than I have them lecturing their sons about who they're sleeping with

So since sex AND relationships are a normal part of male teen life, & if they've got 99% of the women AND men in their life telling them that relationships is more taboo than sex, of course men are gonna take that concept & run with it.

That's why they don't mind spreading their seeds & yet having no concept of or plans to be a "family" with the woman. They're taught by BOTH women & men that there should be no settling down even if someone has the means to tie them down. That's a huge factor in why some men don't take seriously the role of being a father

So, I will be a good father 🙂 since I always planned a family and didnt spread my seed.

You a right, nowadays, there are many single mom??s but I think its a reason of respect, who in his perfect mind will ruin their children or woman life forever? If they didnt want family didnt do the child, if they do the child have to be responsible.

So, nowadays, respect for the other is not taught, anyone thinks alot more about themselves.

Posted by Lena828
I'd be more worried about someone who's been hurt a lot. They'll be walking into the relationship with loads of issues.

+1!!! Serious emotional issues/baggage to make their new partner's life hell!!

Posted by starlover
"""if you think about it, how many times have we seen/heard mothers telling their young sons to NOT settle down b/c they're too "young." Moms never care about their sons having sex with everybody UNLESS there's an unwanted pregnancy involved. But their emphasis to their sons is not that having sex with many girls is the immoral thing, but instead that the unwanted pregnancies is the thing to stay away from"""



That is utter rubbish!! CARING mothers do worry if their sons decide to sleep around! I talk already to my son about the emotional fallout that can be caused by a man being sexually loose. There is no difference between the genders and morality as far as i am concerned. I tell him that he really needs to take care who he will be sleeping with, cos he could get hurt, or hurt another

What kind of a mother would encourage her son to sleep around—? That is fecking twisted :O

I totally agree. A mother who encourages promiscuity or jumping from one bed to another is retarded!

Posted by krysrenee7
I don't agree with the "Men
If you think about it, how many times have we seen/heard mothers telling their young sons to NOT settle down b/c they're too "young." Moms never care about their sons having sex with everybody UNLESS there's an unwanted pregnancy involved. But their emphasis to their sons is not that having sex with many girls is the immoral thing, but instead that the unwanted pregnancies is the thing to stay away from

So technically, WOMEN are also sub-consciously teaching their sons the "seed" theory just as much as other men

I've seen so many young mothers try to persuade their sons NOT to get in relationships or not to settle down all b/c they're young. Welp, kids having sex is gonna happen regardless, AND so is boys wanting to be in relationships. I've seen more mamas gripe about their sons having girlfriends than I have them lecturing their sons about who they're sleeping with

So since sex AND relationships are a normal part of male teen life, & if they've got 99% of the women AND men in their life telling them that relationships is more taboo than sex, of course men are gonna take that concept & run with it.

That's why they don't mind spreading their seeds & yet having no concept of or plans to be a "family" with the woman. They're taught by BOTH women & men that there should be no settling down even if someone has the means to tie them down. That's a huge factor in why some men don't take seriously the role of being a father

This post just makes me love my religion even more for its logic in matters. I was speaking to my sister yesterday and we were discussing the concept of "getting your daughter married as soon as possible after she's hit maturity/puberty otherwise it causes insurmountable chaos in the society". Insurmountable chaos = people putting themselves in the habit of jumping from one bed to the next, pregnancies w/o a proper family structure for the child, emotional problems in girls (predominantly) resulting from break-ups, which escalates to a bigger problem when they start mental or even verbal comparisons between their many different bfs, no concept of long-term commitment being learned and I could go on and give many reasons. What people call experience can also translate to promiscuity. I don't think men and women should have too much experience. Sufficient. I do believe in early marriage because wit

with clean slate of mind, you are getting rid of many issues including the emotional baggage/issues that stem from being hurt in various relationships, mistake pregnancies etc. Why can't 2 inexperienced people grow together and get their experience

I have a cousin who was incredibly mentally damaged by her first bf. You should hear the things she says about men now or how fearful she is of getting into another relationship. She even says things like how everytime a new guy rolls around, she finds herself comparing all of them to her ex, even though he doesn't sound anything extraordinary. I told her just be glad you didn't sleep with him or even have illegitimate children with him, because imagine the kind of father/lack of family you'd be giving to your offspring. Tsk tsk tsk. :smh:

shouldn't it be related to the outcome..rather than the incident...like...

I'd rather be with someone that was hurt in the past, but was still open to the possibility of a relationship..as opposed to..

Someone who's been hurt and still possess the baggage of those other relationships.

You can have someone carrying over that baggage into the current relationship and screw things up...and not realizing it was because they never resolved thier own issues in the previous relationship...THAT would be the only thing I'd try to avoid if I was dating a person.