LibraSid
@LibraSid
15 Years1,000+ PostsLibra
Comments: 0 · Posts: 4581 · Topics: 75
Bias against single fathers?
Oh and I know sometimes I give snarky responses... I won't here. That was as angry as I'll get in this thread. I would really like to know why this bias is out there and if anyone here believes it and could tell me why.
I understand the "shocked" looks that I get, those don't bug me. Frankly I am surprised at how easy I got my kids but the people I'm talking about don't know that. The people who know me were delighted that I got the kids and my ex even said they'd be better off with me.
I'm talking about the people who hear "mom isn't around anymore, the kids live with me" and give a nasty sounding "Oh" and scrunch up their faces real fast. Then they realize I see them and try to act like they didn't do it. I'm a people watcher, always have been. I read body language and facial expressions. Most of the time it is simply a shocked or sympathetic look (which isn't really needed either but I understand that at least)... some people genuinely seem to disapprove even though they don't know a thing about me other than that I am dad and I have the kids.
I'm talking about the people who hear "mom isn't around anymore, the kids live with me" and give a nasty sounding "Oh" and scrunch up their faces real fast. Then they realize I see them and try to act like they didn't do it. I'm a people watcher, always have been. I read body language and facial expressions. Most of the time it is simply a shocked or sympathetic look (which isn't really needed either but I understand that at least)... some people genuinely seem to disapprove even though they don't know a thing about me other than that I am dad and I have the kids.
Usually older women... late 40s or better I'd guess them to have been. Not surprisingly I guess is that all of the negative looks have been from women. I get the shocked or sympathetic ones from everyone.
Thank you, I am. I have great kids and have no doubt that we'll be fine. I'm just curious about the mentality and what the problem is to these people.
Maybe tradition? I personally really admire men that have the maturity to be single dads and take that responsibility. So, I imagine for all the haters, there are admirers too.
My father got sole custody of my sister and I around 1973/74. He had the raising of us. I can look at this from the other side and say I've no bias at all. As a matter of fact, my father did a damned nice job of raising two strong women who know how to be ladies and keep everything spinning as it should.
As to their attitude, give it a mental shrug. They don't know nor understand the situ, do not live with you. So pffffft to them and their judgmental crap. Their issue, not yours.
As to their attitude, give it a mental shrug. They don't know nor understand the situ, do not live with you. So pffffft to them and their judgmental crap. Their issue, not yours.
I agree with you LibraSid. If you're not getting that kind of response when that very same mother tells strangers that you AND her are raising your kids (clearly nothings wrong with you then) then why the weird looks when you tell that same stranger that you are the only one raising the kids?!
Sometimes though I think the weird looks aren't necessarily personal towards the men. We can't overlook the fact that the majority of single parent homes consist of just the mother & child, while the father is absent. Statistically, 8xs more men are on child support, not women.
I think when the mother loses custody, it's an even sadder day b/c the man getting custody is usually an indication that the mother must've done something terribly wrong. It's alot easier for a man to be absent from their child's life & not have to suffer the consequences, moreso than it is for a woman.
In today's society, women are supposed to be the "nurturers," care givers & lifelong support for their children, whereas the men are 50/50. If they're together with the mother, cool, they're normally great fathers to their kids, but if the man & woman have split, there's a high chance that the man might even split (even if just a little bit) from his parental duties.
It sucks, but it basically comes down to the fact that alot of bad men/absent parents have ruined it for you guys.
I don't think that you're getting those weird looks moreso b/c you've done anything wrong or that you weren't already supposed to be doing; I think the raised eyebrows are more towards shaming the mother since traditionally/statistically, children are left behind to the mothers (same goes with adoption--most adopted kids are adopted out by women). I think people are just so used to the mother being the hero & the father being the villian. If the mother lost custody, she must've REALLY REALLy done something wrong. Sucks though for the fathers that don't fit that stereotype, but hey it is what it is.
A study back in 09 conducted by 5 research students at Yale suggested that children would prefer to live with their mothers, even if their fathers haven't done anything wrong. Whereas, men are seen as the "head of household" in most relationships to adult women, women are actually seen as "head of household" to the average child, especially if that child's parents are no longer together. Weird but true
Sometimes though I think the weird looks aren't necessarily personal towards the men. We can't overlook the fact that the majority of single parent homes consist of just the mother & child, while the father is absent. Statistically, 8xs more men are on child support, not women.
I think when the mother loses custody, it's an even sadder day b/c the man getting custody is usually an indication that the mother must've done something terribly wrong. It's alot easier for a man to be absent from their child's life & not have to suffer the consequences, moreso than it is for a woman.
In today's society, women are supposed to be the "nurturers," care givers & lifelong support for their children, whereas the men are 50/50. If they're together with the mother, cool, they're normally great fathers to their kids, but if the man & woman have split, there's a high chance that the man might even split (even if just a little bit) from his parental duties.
It sucks, but it basically comes down to the fact that alot of bad men/absent parents have ruined it for you guys.
I don't think that you're getting those weird looks moreso b/c you've done anything wrong or that you weren't already supposed to be doing; I think the raised eyebrows are more towards shaming the mother since traditionally/statistically, children are left behind to the mothers (same goes with adoption--most adopted kids are adopted out by women). I think people are just so used to the mother being the hero & the father being the villian. If the mother lost custody, she must've REALLY REALLy done something wrong. Sucks though for the fathers that don't fit that stereotype, but hey it is what it is.
A study back in 09 conducted by 5 research students at Yale suggested that children would prefer to live with their mothers, even if their fathers haven't done anything wrong. Whereas, men are seen as the "head of household" in most relationships to adult women, women are actually seen as "head of household" to the average child, especially if that child's parents are no longer together. Weird but true
i definitely don't do this. my dad had custody of me from the time i was 4 years old. my mom was still in my life, but only every other weekend and some special occasions. so my dad was largely responsible for raising me. although i didn't understand his approach all of the time as a child, when i look back he is an excellent father. goodness knows how i would have turned out if i didn't have him to guide me.
I personally get extra exicited when I see single fathers out raising their kids with no shame. I do however, stop to wonder why the mother doesn't have custody or atleast shared custody, BUT I raise my eyebrows at this moreso b/c we're all programmed to look at anything that represents the majority. And the majority of children in the United States are being raised by their mothers. If anything, I sit & wonder what the mother must've done wrong (it was probably something horrible) since the criminal justice system is more harsh on men than they are on women (in other areas outside of just parenting)
I do think it's unfair to men though that they are almost looked at as if they've done something wrong all b/c they end up with custody. IT's like, um either way atleast the father is still present, even if he's the only one present.
It always sucks anyways when only 1 parent (man or woman) has main custody b/c it indicates that the family dynamic is split or not all the way whole. So my raised eyebrow is moreso out of feeling sorry for (or hoping for the best) for that child since the main goal in parenting is for BOTH parents to be present & equally contribute to their children's lives.
It's always a sad day when a child doesn't have both parents whom atleast have equal/shared custody. It's just as sad when a child doesn't have deserved (keyword) access to their mothers the same way it sucks for them when their fathers aren't as involved in a child's life or at all 😢
I do think it's unfair to men though that they are almost looked at as if they've done something wrong all b/c they end up with custody. IT's like, um either way atleast the father is still present, even if he's the only one present.
It always sucks anyways when only 1 parent (man or woman) has main custody b/c it indicates that the family dynamic is split or not all the way whole. So my raised eyebrow is moreso out of feeling sorry for (or hoping for the best) for that child since the main goal in parenting is for BOTH parents to be present & equally contribute to their children's lives.
It's always a sad day when a child doesn't have both parents whom atleast have equal/shared custody. It's just as sad when a child doesn't have deserved (keyword) access to their mothers the same way it sucks for them when their fathers aren't as involved in a child's life or at all 😢
I've noticed though that when grandparents (man OR the woman) claim they're raising someone's children, they don't get the same raised eyebrows
i personally wonder what type of ignoramous folks you are dealing with. who gives a crap who the kids live with? as long as someone is raising them and accepting responsibility, who cares? why get your underwear in a wad over what some idiot thinks?
more dads need to do what you are doing and any intelligent person would agree. i can't imagine WHO would raise their eyebrows about you saying you have custody. no offense at all by this, but are you sure you aren't a little extra sensitive about the issue and maybe you THINK people are "raising eyebrows"?
more dads need to do what you are doing and any intelligent person would agree. i can't imagine WHO would raise their eyebrows about you saying you have custody. no offense at all by this, but are you sure you aren't a little extra sensitive about the issue and maybe you THINK people are "raising eyebrows"?
also, consider this. maybe they are taking notice of you because when a woman hears you say you have full custody...they automatically think...hmmm..here's a good guy.....potential boyfriend material—
trust me, women do think this way!
trust me, women do think this way!
Sadly, people give judgmental looks and it makes it difficult to process all the positive support that is out there in this world. It is all static and noise that I wish wasn't so.
I think it is a testament to what a great father that you are raising these children all the while dealing with the reactions of the judgmental folk around you.
Wish you the best, and hope you find the supportive words and kindness that you are due throughout your life.
I think it is a testament to what a great father that you are raising these children all the while dealing with the reactions of the judgmental folk around you.
Wish you the best, and hope you find the supportive words and kindness that you are due throughout your life.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm not as upset as that first posts sounds. I don't dwell on it and ultimately I don't really care if someone doesn't like that I have my kids, but I am curious about the mindset. I analyze everything and always try to see the other side, even if I know it's wrong from the start... I'm a Libra I can't help it.
I guess I was having a bad day. Normally stuff like that wouldn't bother me. I know that I am doing the right thing by my kids and to hell with anyone who says otherwise. I don't even take these instances personally, these people would think this way no matter who the father was (they don't know me well enough for it to be personal).
I'll agree it's a lot more common for the man not to be around, that doesn't mean it is easy for him. Statistically, more men commit suicide after divorce than women. In a majority of these cases the men suffer severe depression after loosing their world. A lot of times the guy has to leave the family home, he looses his kids, his wife, a lot of his money, he gets a shitty apartment and will never have the same quality of life he did before. Divorce sucks for everyone.
I guess I was having a bad day. Normally stuff like that wouldn't bother me. I know that I am doing the right thing by my kids and to hell with anyone who says otherwise. I don't even take these instances personally, these people would think this way no matter who the father was (they don't know me well enough for it to be personal).
Posted by krysrenee7
I think when the mother loses custody, it's an even sadder day b/c the man getting custody is usually an indication that the mother must've done something terribly wrong. It's alot easier for a man to be absent from their child's life & not have to suffer the consequences, moreso than it is for a woman.
I'll agree it's a lot more common for the man not to be around, that doesn't mean it is easy for him. Statistically, more men commit suicide after divorce than women. In a majority of these cases the men suffer severe depression after loosing their world. A lot of times the guy has to leave the family home, he looses his kids, his wife, a lot of his money, he gets a shitty apartment and will never have the same quality of life he did before. Divorce sucks for everyone.
Posted by krysrenee7
It always sucks anyways when only 1 parent (man or woman) has main custody b/c it indicates that the family dynamic is split or not all the way whole. So my raised eyebrow is moreso out of feeling sorry for (or hoping for the best) for that child since the main goal in parenting is for BOTH parents to be present & equally contribute to their children's lives.
I get what you're saying here but from the "inside looking out", if the one parent who's there wants to be there it's better than having the "stayed together for the kids" environment. Don't instantly feel sorry for the kids no matter which parent has them. While no single parent is the ideal situation, most of the time I'd say it's better for the kid.
Also, I don't use the term "broken home". I don't like the way it sounds. My split happened early last year and the kids finished last school year with just me here. I told the kids?? teachers just so they??d know what was going on and could let me know if the kids?? behavior changed in school. That was the first time someone told me my home was broken??_ I said it's not broken, it's just remodeled. My kids are loved, nothing is broken here it just looks different.
Posted by txtbukariesgirl
i personally wonder what type of ignoramous folks you are dealing with.click to expand
It's south Texas, we have all kinds of weirdos here ??_
Posted by LibraSid
I'm talking about the people who hear "mom isn't around anymore, the kids live with me" and give a nasty sounding "Oh" and scrunch up their faces real fast. Then they realize I see them and try to act like they didn't do it.
F@ck them! I swear, I am not a guy, and I SOOOO empathize with you. I can't politely post what I would tell those smug S.O.B's either, but suffice to say, I'm restraining myself on here too! LOL. I don't understand why it's so difficult to ascertain that a man is just as competent and committed to taking care of their kids as a woman. The thing that pisses me off about ALL of my female friends that have kids that are either married or unmarried, but with the father, is that they don't allow the father to TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS. Everything ALWAYS has to be done their way. Granted if it's something that will harm the child, then yes, I'm sure there should be a conversation around it, but what it usually comes down to is that the guy isn't doing it the way, THEY would do it. I'm like, "WHO CARES!" As long as the child is clean, fed and well maintained, who cares if he puts the frigging pants on before he puts the socks on, or puts the shirt on before the pants...etc, etc. I always have to bite my tongue (although it's hard). My dad took care of me all the time (my parents weren't/aren't divorced), but I was my dad's road dog. We would go places together, he would do my hair (although, THAT was scary), and everything else.
I'm sure that your children are well taken care of, and I while I know it means nothing coming from a random stranger on the internet, you are doing well by your children, and I'm sure they will grow up knowing they were loved 🙂
"I get what you're saying here but from the "inside looking out", if the one parent who's there wants to be there it's better than having the "stayed together for the kids" environment. Don't instantly feel sorry for the kids no matter which parent has them. While no single parent is the ideal situation, most of the time I'd say it's better for the kid."
Word. I know I'll get creamed for saying this (but I don't care); my friends who had both parents in the home (like myself) are just as f#cked up regarding relationships and other life things, as my friends who didn't have both parents in the house. Staying together for the "sake of the kids" is just a sad, sad thing to do. When the kids are young, they SENSE something is amiss, but don't know what it is. When they get older, they KNOW what is wrong, and coming from some friends that I know that this happened too, nothing sucked more to them, than knowing their parents stayed together, but at 11:59p.m. when the last child left the home - the parents instantaneously filed for divorce. My friends said, "Why did they make us miserable ALL those years, when they could have made us ALL happy and divorced years ago." I've heard that more than once. Yes, in a "perfect world" it's fantabulous for both parents to be a part of a happy, shared, and committed union. Sometimes reality sucks, and the reality is that sometimes two people (regardless of how much they may SAY or actually love one another) are bad for one another. Sometimes you just have to let some things go in order to obtain overall happiness in life. Life is too short to be miserable for a large portion of it.
Word. I know I'll get creamed for saying this (but I don't care); my friends who had both parents in the home (like myself) are just as f#cked up regarding relationships and other life things, as my friends who didn't have both parents in the house. Staying together for the "sake of the kids" is just a sad, sad thing to do. When the kids are young, they SENSE something is amiss, but don't know what it is. When they get older, they KNOW what is wrong, and coming from some friends that I know that this happened too, nothing sucked more to them, than knowing their parents stayed together, but at 11:59p.m. when the last child left the home - the parents instantaneously filed for divorce. My friends said, "Why did they make us miserable ALL those years, when they could have made us ALL happy and divorced years ago." I've heard that more than once. Yes, in a "perfect world" it's fantabulous for both parents to be a part of a happy, shared, and committed union. Sometimes reality sucks, and the reality is that sometimes two people (regardless of how much they may SAY or actually love one another) are bad for one another. Sometimes you just have to let some things go in order to obtain overall happiness in life. Life is too short to be miserable for a large portion of it.
LMAO @ "It's south Texas, we have all kinds of weirdos here."
Trust me, weirdos are NOT confined solely to S. Texas.
Trust me, weirdos are NOT confined solely to S. Texas.
i have an almost 4 year old son. his father and i split when he was only one and we have had split custody ever since. to be perfectly honest, i don't think my son could have just one of us raising him.
my son's father makes a good parent but i don't trust him taking our son on full time. while he provides well financially, and is very involved in our son's life, he also misses a lot of little things that i tend to take care of. whenever i get him i have to do things like take him to the doctor, immunizations, cut his nails, clean his ears, etc. his dad is sort of oblivious to these little things and i've noticed that about men in general. not to say that they're bad at parenting at all but i just personally think that men and women both possess different traits that they are naturally good at.
my son's father makes a good parent but i don't trust him taking our son on full time. while he provides well financially, and is very involved in our son's life, he also misses a lot of little things that i tend to take care of. whenever i get him i have to do things like take him to the doctor, immunizations, cut his nails, clean his ears, etc. his dad is sort of oblivious to these little things and i've noticed that about men in general. not to say that they're bad at parenting at all but i just personally think that men and women both possess different traits that they are naturally good at.
My daughter went to live with her father for a year and I felt like I was looked at for the reason why by many people. I was even told by the principle of her school that a daughter is better off with her mother. And she is, shes back home with me now. In his case, he doesnt have the time or patience to bring up a teen daughter and she wasnt open to him. He struggled and eventually told me I have to take her back.
I also know of some solo dads and there is nothing but admiration for them.
Good for you taking care of your own.
I also know of some solo dads and there is nothing but admiration for them.
Good for you taking care of your own.
I have always been very involved with my daughter, and in every aspect of her life. I literally can't count the number of times that teachers, nurses, whoever, has supposedly been listening to what I was saying, then turn to my daughters mother and ask the very same question. It didn't stop there either. They would fully engage with my wife, and use some pretty obvious body language to make it clear that I was actually an intruder. I would be shut out completely.
As I say , this has happened time after time. I have been rather crabby with some people, making it clear that I was to be involved. However, lots of time within minutes I was once again shut out. And this would include times when my wife would turn to me to re-ask the question being posed to her for the answer to that question. The whoever would continue to look at my wife, wait for her to repeat my answer back to the whoever. This comedy act could go on for some time.
I think a lot of it has to do with the idea that these people are just so used to engaging the female part of the parental unit that the male part is essentially automatically deleted. People judge, people search for their own comfort zone. But what there is about the idea that a father can be a fully engaged parent that so many people miss isn't something I can fully grasp.
As I say , this has happened time after time. I have been rather crabby with some people, making it clear that I was to be involved. However, lots of time within minutes I was once again shut out. And this would include times when my wife would turn to me to re-ask the question being posed to her for the answer to that question. The whoever would continue to look at my wife, wait for her to repeat my answer back to the whoever. This comedy act could go on for some time.
I think a lot of it has to do with the idea that these people are just so used to engaging the female part of the parental unit that the male part is essentially automatically deleted. People judge, people search for their own comfort zone. But what there is about the idea that a father can be a fully engaged parent that so many people miss isn't something I can fully grasp.
A lovely photo of me. The point being, I am very hard to ignore if I chose to not be ignored. But, as I say, people have managed to do so in some of the most surprising situations.
Maybe they are just to scared to talk to me. Could happen, I suppose.
Maybe they are just to scared to talk to me. Could happen, I suppose.
When my parents got divorced I told my Dad, my Mom, the courts, the judge...everyone and their dogs barber...that I wanted and NEEDED to live with my Dad. Didn't happen (even though my Dad wanted it too). 😢
I think a lot of people assume the mother must be a real shitbag to have lost custody of her kids...just because of the way the custody system works.
That's the look/vibe you're getting from people... not becasue they think single father's shouldn't raise children, but because they are feeling bad for the kids because they are assuming their mom must suck pretty hard. (Not necessarily true)
That's the look/vibe you're getting from people... not becasue they think single father's shouldn't raise children, but because they are feeling bad for the kids because they are assuming their mom must suck pretty hard. (Not necessarily true)
Oh I completely agree that children would rather be of a broken home than actually from 1. I don't support the whole "Stay for the kids" mindset at all, especially if staying means that 1 or both parents can't respect/love eachother.
BUT in today's society, the IDEAL though IS for both parents to raise a child together. Hell, they conceived a child together. The ideal though is for 2 FIT people to conceive a child together, thus raise that child together. Of course, things don't always work out.
BUT my point was though that I think alot of people give those funny/weird looks to you b/c they are still in tune with the tradition that 2 people should be raising children. So when we see that only 1 parent is raising the child, yes I'm glad that atleast 1 parent is raising the child (hell, that's better than foster care) BUT at the same time, this usually indicates ALSO that there must be some sort of problem/dysfunction in the family dynamic. And of course, that's never a good thing b/c that's not the ideal/goal most people had in mind when they conceived.
I agree that as long as atleast 1 parent is in their child's life & giving them unconditional love, that's better than nothing. I think children come out the best though when they are raised by 2 FIT (keyword) parents b/c it's important for children to experience both a mother & father vs. a mother having to be a fill-in or substitute for the father or vice versa.
It's so much easier for a man to bail out on his children than it is for a woman. That's why I get extra excited when I see a man out raising his children, even if by himself. So often times, we see just the woman doing all the nurturing, the woman carrying the child around in a grocery cart or stroller, the woman out at the baby stores picking out clothes, etc. And of course, even if the father is at home doing all his duties, unfortunately, we only see in public the women, therefore it gives off the impression that yep, 1 another child is being raised primarily/majority by the mother. This of course isn't always the case, but hey it happens
BUT in today's society, the IDEAL though IS for both parents to raise a child together. Hell, they conceived a child together. The ideal though is for 2 FIT people to conceive a child together, thus raise that child together. Of course, things don't always work out.
BUT my point was though that I think alot of people give those funny/weird looks to you b/c they are still in tune with the tradition that 2 people should be raising children. So when we see that only 1 parent is raising the child, yes I'm glad that atleast 1 parent is raising the child (hell, that's better than foster care) BUT at the same time, this usually indicates ALSO that there must be some sort of problem/dysfunction in the family dynamic. And of course, that's never a good thing b/c that's not the ideal/goal most people had in mind when they conceived.
I agree that as long as atleast 1 parent is in their child's life & giving them unconditional love, that's better than nothing. I think children come out the best though when they are raised by 2 FIT (keyword) parents b/c it's important for children to experience both a mother & father vs. a mother having to be a fill-in or substitute for the father or vice versa.
It's so much easier for a man to bail out on his children than it is for a woman. That's why I get extra excited when I see a man out raising his children, even if by himself. So often times, we see just the woman doing all the nurturing, the woman carrying the child around in a grocery cart or stroller, the woman out at the baby stores picking out clothes, etc. And of course, even if the father is at home doing all his duties, unfortunately, we only see in public the women, therefore it gives off the impression that yep, 1 another child is being raised primarily/majority by the mother. This of course isn't always the case, but hey it happens
& Sid I think it's totally sexy you're taking care of your kids. 🙂
Most dudes couldn't find their paternal instinct if their lives depended on it. (This is also where the surprise comes in)
Most dudes couldn't find their paternal instinct if their lives depended on it. (This is also where the surprise comes in)
Wait. That's the bias you were talking about? 😛
ughts coming!
Posted by ninjamu
my son's father makes a good parent but i don't trust him taking our son on full time. while he provides well financially, and is very involved in our son's life, he also misses a lot of little things that i tend to take care of. whenever i get him i have to do things like take him to the doctor, immunizations, cut his nails, clean his ears, etc. his dad is sort of oblivious to these little things and i've noticed that about men in general. not to say that they're bad at parenting at all but i just personally think that men and women both possess different traits that they are naturally good at.
I will admit that my ex was better at watching out for some of the things you mentioned, but without her here now it was easy to pick up the slack. I think sometimes we just get used to what we "have to" do and what the other parent does. We're all creatures of habit to some extent. When the situation changes though, it's not hard to adapt... you don't really get a choice.
Posted by Shadows
When my parents got divorced I told my Dad, my Mom, the courts, the judge...everyone and their dogs barber...that I wanted and NEEDED to live with my Dad. Didn't happen (even though my Dad wanted it too). 😢click to expand
I'm sorry, that sucks. I lost one of my sons in the divorce. I wasn't allowed to keep him, he went back to his biological father. I raised him since the day I cut his cord, I wanted to keep him, he wanted to stay but I had no legal right to him. Thankfully, I was able to reach out to that family and I have been able to see in a few times in the months since all this went down.
What are some differences you all have seen between a male single parent and a female one?
I haven't known any single dads but I know a couple single moms. They seem so uptight. I get that it is stressful but they don't seem to laugh anymore. I remember how my mom changed when she became a single parent of my brothers and me. Does this happen to single dads too?
I'm not worried about it happening to me, just curious in general again.
Last weekend I was at the mall with my kids. We were just walking around and window shopping cause it was raining out but we didn't feel like sitting at home. My son (9) and I like the video games and electronics and my daughter (5) just likes shopping, haha. She was telling me how she needed pink shoes. She said that she had this new pink shirt at home and she was wearing pink socks, so clearly she needed pink shoes to match. My son tried to tell her that she didn't make sense but she just laughed at him. I asked her if this was just a plot to get a pair of shoes in every color. I said, "So you have to have a pair of socks to match every shirt and a pair of shoes to match each pair of socks... this must just be a girl thing that I don't understand". A lady walking by us in the store started laughing and so did my kids. I know it's silly but we laugh all the time.
I'm not a PTA parent and probably won't ever be one. But I'll run around the park with them for hours on Saturday, I'll lay in the floor and waste a day playing Legos, and when wrestling comes on TV we beat each other up during commercial breaks. But they still do their homework, they are great students and have both gotten awards this year in school. In a lot of ways I am like a friend or another kid to them but I am also a disciplinarian when needed and they know what they can and cannot do.
I haven't known any single dads but I know a couple single moms. They seem so uptight. I get that it is stressful but they don't seem to laugh anymore. I remember how my mom changed when she became a single parent of my brothers and me. Does this happen to single dads too?
I'm not worried about it happening to me, just curious in general again.
Last weekend I was at the mall with my kids. We were just walking around and window shopping cause it was raining out but we didn't feel like sitting at home. My son (9) and I like the video games and electronics and my daughter (5) just likes shopping, haha. She was telling me how she needed pink shoes. She said that she had this new pink shirt at home and she was wearing pink socks, so clearly she needed pink shoes to match. My son tried to tell her that she didn't make sense but she just laughed at him. I asked her if this was just a plot to get a pair of shoes in every color. I said, "So you have to have a pair of socks to match every shirt and a pair of shoes to match each pair of socks... this must just be a girl thing that I don't understand". A lady walking by us in the store started laughing and so did my kids. I know it's silly but we laugh all the time.
I'm not a PTA parent and probably won't ever be one. But I'll run around the park with them for hours on Saturday, I'll lay in the floor and waste a day playing Legos, and when wrestling comes on TV we beat each other up during commercial breaks. But they still do their homework, they are great students and have both gotten awards this year in school. In a lot of ways I am like a friend or another kid to them but I am also a disciplinarian when needed and they know what they can and cannot do.
Those are the things they will remember with perfect clarity Libra. Keep on being the Daddy you are, you made this Momma of 20 years smile, and the daughter inside.
Posted by LibraSid
I'm not a PTA parent and probably won't ever be one. But I'll run around the park with them for hours on Saturday, I'll lay in the floor and waste a day playing Legos, and when wrestling comes on TV we beat each other up during commercial breaks. But they still do their homework, they are great students and have both gotten awards this year in school. In a lot of ways I am like a friend or another kid to them but I am also a disciplinarian when needed and they know what they can and cannot do.
THIS, is what it is all about.
It made me smile reading it too, and as VB said, these are the moments your children will remember.
Reading this thread just makes me so sad and angry at the same time. It reminds me of that movie with Sean Penn. I'm not comparing you to him, because the man in the movie was mentally challenged; however, I will say that movie (and I rarely cry) brought tears to my eyes the whole time. This was a man who was fighting for the right to raise his daughter. Keep on doing you. I'm one of the few who does not automatically many ANY assumptions if I see one parent awarded the children over another. In my opinion, sometimes people have the best intentions in life when it comes to having a child, but when reality sets in, it's not as "fun" as they expected. More often than not, you see people who have children for the wrong reasons. It doesn't make them a bad person, they are human; they just failed to realize that THEIR actions would have ramifications for the rest of the life of an innocent party. I'd much rather the child/children be in a happy, well adjusted home; versus one the courts think will be the best, just because of some societal B.S.
I've met women who, while they love their kids and do well by them, have said that should they get a divorce, they definitely want to split the custody straight down the middle or even more heavily towards the men, because they just aren't happy. I don't think they are bad people, I think they are being honest and thinking of the children, and while others may think they are selfish by saying this, they are actually being the most honest and forthright, because they know in their heart of hearts what they do and do not want to do. I'm sure as a parent (male or female) it would take a lot to just look in the mirror and realize that something you thought you always wanted, isn't really somethi
got cut off: "isn't really something you always thought you wanted. Keep on keeping on Librasid - I can tell you are an AWESOME parent and loving father!"
I'e always thought girls, especially, who are raised by their dads turn out pretty damn well.
LibraS, bravo to you.
I haven't read all the posts, just wanted to comment on your first post.
It's societal. Traditional. The wife gets the kids, alimony, the house/s, etc.
What I never thought of until now is that when a MAN takes/gets custody of the kids, he's considered some kind of hero.
I've never met a single dad who did not get Praise for having custody of his children. I've never seen anyone give a single dad who has custody of his children anything but support and appreciation. The rude looks or comments you have experienced seems to be the exception not the norm. As you can see from all the posts here, everyone is praising you and supporting you and telling you how wonderful you are.
However, I am stopping in to say that because Women usually get custody of the kids, she doesn't get the "hero" treatment single dads get. It's like it's taken for granted the mom will get the kids, so she's no one special. It seems even in this situation, there's a double standard in favor of men.
I'm not man-bashing here, or taking anything from you, LibraS, just posting another perspective.
I haven't read all the posts, just wanted to comment on your first post.
It's societal. Traditional. The wife gets the kids, alimony, the house/s, etc.
What I never thought of until now is that when a MAN takes/gets custody of the kids, he's considered some kind of hero.
I've never met a single dad who did not get Praise for having custody of his children. I've never seen anyone give a single dad who has custody of his children anything but support and appreciation. The rude looks or comments you have experienced seems to be the exception not the norm. As you can see from all the posts here, everyone is praising you and supporting you and telling you how wonderful you are.
However, I am stopping in to say that because Women usually get custody of the kids, she doesn't get the "hero" treatment single dads get. It's like it's taken for granted the mom will get the kids, so she's no one special. It seems even in this situation, there's a double standard in favor of men.
I'm not man-bashing here, or taking anything from you, LibraS, just posting another perspective.
You make a very good point. All single parents have to face a lot of the same issues yet men do get "extra credit" for taking on the role. Women are "expected" to be the one who keeps the kids and it happens so much it's like we are desensitized to single moms. It's a shame really. I know there are a few single moms who posted in here and I give props to them. Man or woman, it's tough to take on the roles of both parents.
Also, I'm not looking for praise for any of this (even though I have an ego and like it all 😛) so man bash away if you want to. I used my self as an example because I'm the only single custodial father I know. I like to talk and had a bad evening and a weird conversation and was just curious what everyone thought.
I have been told that a man CANNOT do as good a job as a woman raising a kid, period. I was shocked and will prove it wrong (like many other men have done before). Some people don't look at the circumstances and just think kids are better off with mom. Hell, the whole court system used to be like this... it still is in general but it's not as bad now.
Posted by LibraSid
You make a very good point. All single parents have to face a lot of the same issues yet men do get "extra credit" for taking on the role. Women are "expected" to be the one who keeps the kids and it happens so much it's like we are desensitized to single moms. It's a shame really. I know there are a few single moms who posted in here and I give props to them. Man or woman, it's tough to take on the roles of both parents.
Also, I'm not looking for praise for any of this (even though I have an ego and like it all 😛) so man bash away if you want to. I used my self as an example because I'm the only single custodial father I know. I like to talk and had a bad evening and a weird conversation and was just curious what everyone thought.
I have been told that a man CANNOT do as good a job as a woman raising a kid, period. I was shocked and will prove it wrong (like many other men have done before). Some people don't look at the circumstances and just think kids are better off with mom. Hell, the whole court system used to be like this... it still is in general but it's not as bad now.
Perhaps it's because in this patriarchial country (world, really) we live in, the thinking of the woman's role is still to bare children, take care of the home and support her husband? He protects and provides for the family and is considered the head of the household.
In the US at large, women earn about 60% of the salary a man earns doing the same job. It is innate in women to take care of their children, after all, she carried them in her body for 9 months and her body went through near-death trauma giving birth. So the attachment and thinking is natural. When you add that full-time job in with possibly another fulltime job of working outside the home and "being there" for her husband, she's doing alot more, physically, mentally and emotionally. This could be the thinking of the courts. If you remove the father/husband from the scenario through divorce, she is at a disadvantage that he does not have -- especially in the form of financial strength. I think the combination of the natural bond of the woman and her children, coupled with the un-balanced earning power may factor most on the decision of the courts, not that men do not love or want custody of their children.
Thoughts?
Posted by pathfinder
It is innate in women to take care of their children, after all, she carried them in her body for 9 months and her body went through near-death trauma giving birth. So the attachment and thinking is natural. When you add that full-time job in with possibly another fulltime job of working outside the home and "being there" for her husband, she's doing alot more, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I understand the thought behind this but I disagree. This is going to sound bad but I can't think how else to word it (and I tried...). Also, although I am quoting you this isn't directed at "you". I reread it and know it sounds harsh.
Yes she carries the child but it's not like either of us get to choose that. I'll concede that it may create a bond that a man can't understand (there's no real way to dispute this even if you wanted to), but to say she continues to do more after the child is born simply means the guy was a slacker. It's not because being a mom is harder than being a dad. It's because your guy was a bum. I worked a full time job outside the home and kept right on going once I got home... and I had to put up with her too 😛
As for the financial aspect of divorce and custody, yes women are generally seen as being at a disadvantage. That is why there are so many programs out there to help them. There are some for men too but no where near the same number. Men are thought to be at a disadvantage regarding our parental instincts and ability to properly care for a child. I can get free parenting classes all day long.
A court system should be based in facts. You cannot use a bond that is indescribable and unable to be duplicated as proof. It is also horribly unfair to say a mans bond with his children can't compare. Just as I have no idea what child birth is like, you have no idea how I feel. In custody cases the focus is supposed to be on the child's best interests too so strictly speaking the disadvantage in a woman's earning power should be a negative on her not a reason to give her the kids. Not saying that money is overly important, but all other things equal... yeah it's a strike against her.
I can see good points in both of your arguments LibraSid and pathfinder.
LS states that there is no reason that a father can not have a connection with their children as a mother can. I think this is absolutely true. As LS points out, a good father will come home after a job and start in with the family thing. They don't stop just because they clock out.
pathfinders comments about the country being "patriarchial" is also dead on. The idea of getting paid less is also accurate. And if you read some of my posts over in "The One" blog you will see that one of the things I have discovered is that finding a new relationship is a real challenge simply because women find men just one more time and energy sink. Time and energy they don't have to spare.
It is my sense that we need to pull both of these points of view together to actually have the full picture of what we are discussing. I should not be shut out of my daughters life simply because I am her father. As I have told you, I have been excluded while actually in the room with a "professional," because this professional was determined to cut me out. Why is that? Well, it is because that is how we as a society thinks. Dads an ass, mom is a saint. We need to get past this and start looking at one another in a more objective light. There is no reason women can't be making a lot more money, there is no reason I can't be a great, and truly involved dad.
LS states that there is no reason that a father can not have a connection with their children as a mother can. I think this is absolutely true. As LS points out, a good father will come home after a job and start in with the family thing. They don't stop just because they clock out.
pathfinders comments about the country being "patriarchial" is also dead on. The idea of getting paid less is also accurate. And if you read some of my posts over in "The One" blog you will see that one of the things I have discovered is that finding a new relationship is a real challenge simply because women find men just one more time and energy sink. Time and energy they don't have to spare.
It is my sense that we need to pull both of these points of view together to actually have the full picture of what we are discussing. I should not be shut out of my daughters life simply because I am her father. As I have told you, I have been excluded while actually in the room with a "professional," because this professional was determined to cut me out. Why is that? Well, it is because that is how we as a society thinks. Dads an ass, mom is a saint. We need to get past this and start looking at one another in a more objective light. There is no reason women can't be making a lot more money, there is no reason I can't be a great, and truly involved dad.
Posted by dofacc
It is my sense that we need to pull both of these points of view together to actually have the full picture of what we are discussing.
dofacc, I appreciate your comments. I am not trying to start a debate of mothers having custody vs. fathers or the capability of their love for their children. I'm simply offering another perspective. I hope our court system balances facts to make just decisions. If men feel they are being prejudged based on their gender ONLY, than they should do something about that. It's no different that what we women have done for our own human rights.
Posted by dofacc
I can see good points in both of your arguments LibraSid and pathfinder.
LS states that there is no reason that a father can not have a connection with their children as a mother can. I think this is absolutely true. As LS points out, a good father will come home after a job and start in with the family thing. They don't stop just because they clock out.
pathfinders comments about the country being "patriarchial" is also dead on. The idea of getting paid less is also accurate. And if you read some of my posts over in "The One" blog you will see that one of the things I have discovered is that finding a new relationship is a real challenge simply because women find men just one more time and energy sink. Time and energy they don't have to spare.
I should not be shut out of my daughters life simply because I am her father. As I have told you, I have been excluded while actually in the room with a "professional," because this professional was determined to cut me out. Why is that? Well, it is because that is how we as a society thinks. Dads an ass, mom is a saint. We need to get past this and start looking at one another in a more objective light. There is no reason women can't be making a lot more money, there is no reason I can't be a great, and truly involved dad.click to expand
I would like to say that my comments do not reflect my personal point of view on child custody, but were simply and only based as a possible explaination in answer to LibraS's thread title and question at the end of his post regarding the courts "bias".
Posted by dofacc
I can see good points in both of your arguments LibraSid and pathfinder.
LS states that there is no reason that a father can not have a connection with their children as a mother can. ...there is no reason I can't be a great, and truly involved dad.
Personally, fwiw, I think the decision on who gets custody of the children should not be based on gender, but on the best way to help the children cope with the dissolution of the marriage. A decision that they had no part in, yet will effect them most strongly. The parents don't always consider the children -- a RESULT of their COMMITMENT to each other (may be different in the case of step-children, but I don't think that is the case being discussed here).
The self-centered reasons why husbands and wives divorce (for the most part, I'm not talking situations that are life-threatening) is based on their own unwillingness to work out their differences of opinion/perspectives in an un-self-serving way, that will be to benefit of ALL. The two of them may have fallen out of love or don't "love" each other anymore, and have accepted or chosen to accept that. However, the children will never come to that conclusion. They love both their parents and always will.
Posted by dofacc
I can see good points in both of your arguments LibraSid and pathfinder.
I should not be shut out of my daughters life simply because I am her father .... there is no reason I can't be a great, and truly involved dad.
Posted by pathfinder
If men feel they are being prejudged based on their gender ONLY, than they should do something about that. It's no different that what we women have done for our own human rights.
click to expand
Just a thought regarding men fighting for their rights for custody....we may see this in the case of same-sex marriages, since the gender factor will be a moot point.
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So maybe I am a little biased about this topic, after all I am a custodial single father... but it pisses me off when people say crap like this. Yeah I'm angry and venting because I had this conversation again today and it really bothers me. Why do so many people just take the mom's side in a custody dispute? What makes her more qualified to raise children than him? Why do you assume that just because I am a man I cannot possibly raise my kids right?
Why when I talk to school, doctors, other parents (anyone really)... do they always look so shocked when I say the kids live with me? It doesn't bother me that the initial assumption is that there are two parents involved, but when they find out it's just dad I get weird looks. It's like they think "how could you take them from their mom" or "poor kids". Part of me feels like cussing them out, but I don't think that helps my case as a suitable parent 😛
It hasn't even been a year yet and I'm already tired of the looks/comments I get.
Any other single fathers out there get this? Does it stop?
Any of you out there do this? If so, why?