Devalued by a Narcissist

I am devistated. I have found out that my ex is a narcissist and for the past 3 years he has had me on this insane value then devalue cycle of craziness.

He told me now that he does not want a relationship only sex. This hurt me so much as I just spoke with him a about 6 months ago and he was in a relationship.

He comes to me when he is at low points. Once he gets back to his normal self again he drops me.

I have just been told by a therapist that this is normal behavior with these people.

I am crushed. I want him to love me back. Am I crazy? I have seen him at his lowest and I accept him for him. Why does he run away from me when he is at his full ego status? When he is low I am good enough? When he is at his full ego status I am not—

Can somebody explain this to me? I can't get out of bed. All I am doing is crying. I feel like I am in mourning. Mourning for the man he is not, mourning for the fact that he can't love me back (that is what I was told yesterday). Why can't he love? Why can't he feel? Why can't he see I love him and would be there for him no matter what?

Anybody been here before? If you were how did it turn out?

lol


You've got be kidding

Let me see if I'm getting this correctly.


for 3 years, you rode this ride with him ... he would constantly drop you on your ass, just after building it up ... but, you rode it anyway, for 3 years. And apparantly wasn't so crushed because you were a willing participant.

Now, that there is a "name" a "title" a "tag" ... you're crushed?

Now, that you know he has a condition in which he can't love you, you are crushed? Eventhough, by his very actions for THREE YEARS he showed you he couldn't love.


Nevermind, that he had a "tag" all along he was wearing, called "asshole"

You should probably make sure you get really depressed over it .. you should unplug your phone, draw all the shades down, stop eating, stop bathing.


Afterall, a name was put on the insane ride ... and that matters.

I did mention it to him. He said that women are disposable and of no use except for their v-----'s. This is depressing me because I think he really may mean this statement.

And if he means this statement then he must be filled with some very dark feelings. Such contempt in his words. Such hatetred. Such anger.

I just want to give him a big hug and say that we're not all bad and I care very much about him.

p angle I am sad because I now see behind the mask. All this time I thought he was just f-ed up, i never really thought he was crazy, just had a f-ed up way in dealing with me. I also really thought I may had been the one woman that mattered. That I never gave up on him. That I took time to care.

I'm sad because he's not f-ed up but he has a mental defect and is REALLY F-ED UP.

There is a HUGE difference.

I think I have to pretend he died. This way I can mourn over this and get over it all.

I really thought that in the end, all would be ok. That he would drop his wall and let me in and know that deep down, I cared about him, and that he cared about me back.

That I mattered. That I didn't make myself look like an ass for all this time.

That I was not a joke or toy to entertain him when somebody or something he really wanted was not available.

It's not because of a mental illness that he treats you like shit and thinks you are only good because you have a vagina .. he treats you that way because you would allow it while wanting to hug him and tell him how much you care.


What has happened here is that you found a label to put on him so you can have an excuse for why he treats you like a piece of shit .... because you can't face the real truth of it, which is ... it's your fault he treats you like shit, because you're there.


If this had been a couple months in, I'd say you're confused .. now, since this much time has gone by and since you're able to identify the patterns, and since you know he's in a relationship with someone else ..... I say, it's you whose fucked up because you are only facing this once you have a name to put on it.


I remember in the Virgo room a couple years ago, a woman was facing that her alledged boyfriend was dumping her, so she went on a crusade to pin an illness on him that he was commitment-phobic .... nope, he was just dumping her.

he's not in a relationship with somebody else. He WAS in a relationship with somebody else. They broke up too. Seems to be his pattern.

P angle you are right about one thing and thats that if I LET him treat me like crap it's my fault.

I needed that wake up back to reality slap!

btw .. a narcissist is capable of loving.

Narcissist are not capable of loving, you can't love something you devalue or deem valueless...I don't have a whole lot to add but I know what your going through...Try getting support, a great site I found a couple years ago is full of helpful insight, also very supportive women that are dealing with what your going through which includes women that have graduated out of the N relationship but still stick around to support other women. I'm sure you don't want to hear this but get out...Detach from him quickly, go absolutely no contact, you will begin to feel much stronger withing about 3 to 6 weeks, you will go through emotional and mental withdrawals which can be very draining but after that's over you will notice you getting back to the person you were before you met your N. Your a really good target/victim b/c you believe loving him will cure him but it won't, you believe love with conquer all and it won't, it just demonstrates to him that your a willing victim, someone he can come to take out his frustrations and anger, someone he can torment and torture and devalue emotionally. He may be a sociopath, not all sociopaths are murders and serial killers or he may just be a malignant narcissist...I dunno but from what your writing he seems to have some deep dark issues, give him back to himself and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

http://www.lisaescott.com/vain-forum

talk about mixed answers. P angle how can a narcissist love? how do you love somebody you hurt? Or does the narcissist make exceptions? I think mine hurt me the most when he liked me the most. I think the more he felt the more he hurt me. almost punished me for him liking me.

Does a narcissist make exceptions?



Tiki33 that is exactly how i feel, if I loved him more would he have been better? able to change. I went on that website. I am on in now actually. it's blowing my mind.

p angle you should read this stuff. I feel like I am reading my story through the other posters. It's scary.

The Narcissist don't make exceptions but they are acutely aware of whose going to be a willing victim or whose going to challenge there behavior, some women actually believe Narcissist have some kind of psychic abilities but realistically it's not that, it's just that most N's have practiced how to pick victims so much so that they are very good at it, they can actually foresee a womans reaction because they know all the reactions beforehand so they are pretty prepared to deal with the issues that come up or not deal with them....Also N's are deeply insecure and they have a huge amount of defense mechanisms to keep you out, to keep feelings out. You will never be the exception because your caught up in the web of illusion that you love him but the him you love is gone, he never really existed it was just a lure to get you hooked so he could play out his sick mind games, the person you see now is the real him, he's only going to use when he needs Narcissistic supply then he's back to being his old evil self.

(((((((sighs and shakes head))))))) I know. I am a Scorpio female and he is a Sagg male. That's part of the reason for this taking me so long to figure out. I know sagg's hate to be tied down. I hate that too. I just figured he was set in his ways. I feel like i have been run over by a truck. My whole being hurts.

I feel shut down inside. It feels like this will take me a long time to recover from. I opened up so much to this man.

DetailsPlease, it does not feel very interesting. Do you know a crazy narcissistic Sagg male? LOL

Shame on me.

Thank you all.

Sagg men hate to be tied down, abhor it....I have heard they can be pretty mean when defending his right to be free. I don't know if he's an N but maybe he feels suffocated by all that love and understanding you give and it forces him to lash out as to put distance between the 2 of you. He doesn't want to entirely be rid of you b/c maybe you serve a purpose but he doesn't necessarily want to be tied down with you either.

It's admirable that you want to "Save him" or get him to realize that you love him at his worst, BUT it's all no use if he doesn't want to be helped, is stuck in his ways or just won't allow himself to see you for all that you are.

Trying to get a man like this to understand his affect on others' feelings/emotions is the same as trying to teach a 2 year old Algebra. No matter how hard you cry, kick, beg or scream, nothing will get through.

He'll never "get it" until HE'S ready to get it. And trust me, you want him to "get it" on his own, & not b/c he feels bad for you, or b/c you cried or guilted him into "getting it."

If you truly feel that his demeaning comments about women was said out of sincerity, then one can only be lead to believe that he was using you the entire time. Narcissist can play the "role" & imitate the actions of one who is in love, BUT they never actually internalize those feelings; they never really "feel" like 1 in love, even though they are pretending to. And the only way to get someone to realize their affect on you is if they have the ability to step outside of their OWN feelings, thoughts & ways & step into yours. He can't do that if he's narcisstic. Things won't ever "process" emotionally the same way they would persay this guy wasn't narcissist.

It's natural for you to feel disappointment, anger & a great sense of sadness. BUT, honey you'll get through it. Just keep strong =) And always remind yourself that you deserve better. Don't try to over-pass the "grieving" stage b/c if you do, you won't properly heal.

"If you truly feel that his demeaning comments about women was said out of sincerity, then one can only be lead to believe that he was using you the entire time. Narcissist can play the "role" & imitate the actions of one who is in love, BUT they never actually internalize those feelings; they never really "feel" like 1 in love, even though they are pretending to. And the only way to get someone to realize their affect on you is if they have the ability to step outside of their OWN feelings, thoughts & ways & step into yours. He can't do that if he's narcisstic. Things won't ever "process" emotionally the same way they would persay this guy wasn't narcissist."

Absolutely true...

Hi lostheart. This is not my account I'm using one from a friend as I have sworn off DXP ..lol.. but I do google "narcissism" everyday-- all different ways. Your thread popped up and I felt for you so I wanted to post to you.

All the ladies here posting to you posted to me (aka prettymoonlight). I found the advice they gave me whole hearted and honest. It was a HUGE help. They helped me SO much-- many thanks again (oxoxoxox)

I am not a Scorpio I am a Cancer sun with a Pisces moon so I do have deep feelings like you do. We are different as you are a Scorpio but we both do feel deeply. It's in our make up.

My guy was a Scorpio sun, moon, venus, 5 different planets total. He was also a narcissist. I know because he told me. He put me through an emotional ringer. He killed my soul. I am so scared now to give another man a chance.

He had a problem with my weight-- i starved myself 30 pounds lighter.
He had a problem with my clothes-- I got a personal stylist.
He had a problem with everything about me. I was never good enough. He would call me and tell me how great all the new women he was dating were.

Tiki told me something and it took a long time to click-- he is broken. Can't be fixed. I was so upset as this man has two children and one day he told me how he spoke to them. I was distroyed-- for them.

You can't fix him. I have tried to know mine on a friendly level but he always brings it back to sex talk. His control. Mine told me not 5 days ago the exact same thing yours did-- he does not want a relationship-- only sex-- women are nothing more than a pain in the ass and their only use is their v______ (which I find funny as mine liked in all in the rear ..lol..).

My point is-- if he is a real narcissist NOTHING will be good enough... ever.

I still google "narcissism" everyday as I find reading helps, but also keeps me stuck in this sick puragtory.

The best advice I can give is go with your first thought. Pretend he is dead. I think I may try that myself.

You're not alone.
((hugs))

Posted by tiki33
Sagg men hate to be tied down, abhor it....I have heard they can be pretty mean when defending his right to be free. I don't know if he's an N but maybe he feels suffocated by all that love and understanding you give and it forces him to lash out as to put distance between the 2 of you. He doesn't want to entirely be rid of you b/c maybe you serve a purpose but he doesn't necessarily want to be tied down with you either.

Tiki33- this is Prettymoonlight, you helped me a while back with my ex-narcissist. I closed my account as one of the users here became cruel (for no reason) and I closed my account. BUT I wanted to say that this post is just what I was talking about. SO HELPFUL. This is one of the things my ex said to me. You are spot on.

Lostheart-- read her posts, they are golden.

By all for now, be well.
Prettymoonlight
🙂

Hi Prettymoonlight, I remember you...You sound so much stronger, just know you won't be stuck in purgatory forever but there is a long purging process that goes on after dealing with an N (or shall I say highly toxic person). I'm glad your to see your doing okay, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just gotta take that first step to get out and away from the N in your life to see it...The sun will shine again.

Hi Tiki, it's prettymoonlight ..lol.. I should consider re-opening my account as it was fun to post.

Yes, thanks I am MUCH stronger now, the biggest obstical has been me. He told me for so long how inadequite I was (really because I think it was he that was inadequite and hated that I really was not) that I am having trouble getting past that. Thinking that another person would want to be with me.

These sick people kill self-esteem and it's so hard to work back up. I am stronger I'm past the "fcuk yuo" stage and I dont care if he comes around or not... now I am in the picking up the pieces stage.... the stage where you look at yourself and say... am I good enough.... for me? who is keeping track? Who keeps score... oh, I am. Damn, when did I become such a hard judge of myself?

That's where I am at.

trying to rebuild.

I'll keep you posted.

Thank you Tiki.
🙂

I have read all the comments. I dont know what to make of this whole situation. I agree that Sagg men are hard to pin down but this is different. I see so much so clearly now. All I thought was is not anything. I am hurt and angry. I am also depressed over it. I am going to do as P angle said and pull the shades down and stay in bed for a day or two.

lostheart- Yes- people have been here before! It probably doesn't make you feel any better at the moment, but you can at least know that you're not experiencing an uncommon scenario. You will feel like you're going to die for a little while, and then you WILL come out the other side! One day you'll wonder what you even saw in this guy. Just ride it out. The important thing, in the end, will be that you use this experience for growth rather than carrying unnecessary issues from this relationship into future ones.

You are right.

I did,

and he did.

I didn't read in here where he used your assumption against her.


Everything aquagirl24 said was never said by the author of this thread.


Aquagirl24 .. do you even realize that what you accomplished was to give lostheart a reason to blame him, which isn't his fault.


The fault is hers.


She's known this whole time that he treated her like a piece of shit, and instead of leaving to better herself, she stayed to take the abuse. That doesn't make her a victim.

It doesn't matter what the label is you've found to put on him .....



What matters is that you've always had the option to make your life better for yourself, and you chose keep it bad.

At this time, instead of crying over losing something that wasn't even worth a victory ... you should doing a self-evaluation to find out why you would think you deserved to be treated like a piece of dog shit ... because clearly, you do.

You weren't devalued by a narcissist .... you were devalued by yourself ..

Posted by lostheart

He comes to me when he is at low points. Once he gets back to his normal self again he drops me.

I want him to love me back.

Right there ^^^^^^ is where you devalue yourself, and you are merely blaming it on him.


It bothers me so bad that women do this to themselves, and then other women come in here and convince them it's the man's fault ... and that is a tragedy.

I have been reading p angle. I think I am an intrerverted narcissist. That is why he and I were able to last as long as we did. I am depressed because I am looking at myself.

I dont like what I see right now.

I am not a victim. He is not a criminal. we are two people with issuses that attracted each other. The difference is I see the sun and it's hurting my eyes. The dark seemed better. He is still in the dark.

So who is better off? Me because I see the sun and it is killing me or him because he is in the dark and its killing him?

All I keep reading is how people like us cant be helped. Talk therapy. try to learn to feel. I do feel. I feel alone and scared. I feel like the one person who finally got me is gone from my life. I am sad as the one person who did make me happy in our twisted happiness is gone.

Who is to judge somebody's happiness? What you may call abuse I call solice. What you call pain I call comfort. who is to say you are right and I am wrong.

Its all scaring me because the only reason he got me was because he was as f-ed up as I am. Until now, I never considered myself screwed up.

It's scaring me because my version of happiness is gone and I dont know what I will do as it took so long to find.

I guess its a Scorpio thing. So how do I fix it all?

Posted by lostheart
Who is to judge somebody's happiness? What you may call abuse I call solice. What you call pain I call comfort. who is to say you are right and I am wrong.
Its all scaring me because the only reason he got me was because he was as f-ed up as I am. Until now, I never considered myself screwed up.

I don't think anyone is judging you for finding happiness with the wrong guy. BUT as the saying goes, "Hurt people, hurt people." We ALL want happiness honey, you're not the only 1. And you're damn sure not the only 1 who found it from the most unlikely source. The key though is to find happinss from someone who is truly happy with themselves 1st & the reason your happiness with this guy was short-lived is b/c your relationship was missing that very important link. If you want true love, you have to do it the RIGHT way & with the right person.

You've acknowledged that you have alot of issues within yourself that you need to deal with. No disrespect, BUT you have NO business being in a relationship with anyone until you sort those issues out; it wouldn't be fair to anyone else. And just b/c the person that you found what you "thought" was happiness with is F'd up in the head too doesn't mean that you bringing all that baggage into his life was any less unfair.

What you both did was selfish & unfair towards eachother. Misery love company. 2 hurt people may feed off of eachother & may find comfort from eachother, but only b/c they're both coming from a place of darkness. All I'm saying honey is that you need to be with someone who yes, accepts you at your darkest hours, BUT that ALSO tries to bring you out of that darkness. 2 hurt people sitting together all day is NOT enhancing to a relationship (thus it should be no surprise that these types of relationships rarely work out).

No lostheart don't label him or yourself....Introverted Narcissist only want relationships with Narcissist, they crave it, they need it and they only feel complete with men that are Narcissist...I'm certain you are not an introverted Narcissist, many women feel this way when they have found themselves in a relationship with an N for the very first time and some women periodically through out there life attract Narcissist but that doesn't make you an introverted N....Some women have grew up in a household with an Narcissist such as an immediate family member (mom, father, sister, brother) and have been trained and taught how to please and survive a Narcissist, every womans circumstance is different.

You are not doing anything new that any one woman whose crossed paths with a Narc has done before...The question isn't about labels, it's about self preservation, you no longer can look the other way, you can't just ignore the bad treatment and you can't continue on in a situation that is killing your self esteem, if you lose yourself to this man you don't exist but to only serve to be his punching bag be it emotionally, verbally or physically.

This is a wake up call that many women ignore because she wants to make sense out of it so she can find a way to stay, there is no way to stay with a man that doesn't want you in his life, there is no way to stay with a man that emotionally and verbally exploits and abuses you.

The reality that most women come to understand is...Whose more important him or you? You didn't put yourself first when you were with him and now your forced to decide again to put you first.

Get out....Maybe later when your stronger you can be his friend, most women find that they can't be friends with a Narc but at this moment it's time to put some distance between the 2 of you.

Your sounding like an addict, your addicted to the drama and the highs and lows and I can guarantee you once you get away from him you will not recognize yourself....You don't find solice in the pain he gives you, that's your addiction talking, you don't fight what he is doing as right, it's clear it's wrong but the addict in you will make yourself believe it's not all that bad because I'm fucked up too.

It's bad, it's real bad or you wouldn't be here....Your reaching for help and when a woman comes to a place were she's seeking solace in complete strangers then it's clear something is wrong with your situation your in.

Your version of happiness is gone b/c you have made this man your reason for being, you have virtually placed all importance on this man and on the relationship and your lost, women literally lose there self identity behaving this way...

When women jump through hoops, when women beg for love, when turn themselves inside and place all your happiness on a man, on a relationship, on fixing a relationship a woman can literally lose herself, lose her identity, lose the love and happiness she has for herself. No longer do you know how to be happy on your own so you end upsearching through him for happiness and it's not there.

I recognize were your at, your trying to make sense of it but at some point your going to have to stop blaming and pointing the finger at yourself and at him and making up all kinds of labels and excuses and do what's best for you, not for him but for you.

You will be fine....stop trying to fix it and go work on getting you back

Posted by kstarks2
I swear all of you bitches who are telling this woman she's "devaluing herself" "hurting herself" are a bunch of fucking hypocrites.

None of you hoes know shit about what this woman is going through, hence all the responses. Dumb fucks.

How intelligent do you think you look/sound to call us all "tree trunks" when you don't know a single thing about any of us either? lol smh smh

I can completely understand where she's coming from. And it's good that she's being very honest & open with herself about what's really going on; that's the 1st step to her getting some help.

I'm not judging her for what she's been through or for what she's put up with. The advice we're all giving her is universal, meaning we don't necessarily have to have known someone for 30 years just to be able to get a general consensus of what's going on.

It's simple; their bond was a bond that was set on foundation made out of straw, thus it's no wonder things didn't work out. Not all love is healthy love. While it's great that they shared alot of things (some negative) in common, relationship basics 101 tells us all that if you want something long-lasting & fulfilling, the foundation of that relationship must've been set on security, consideration, trust & integrity.

She'll be alright. She just needs to get all the tears out, keep being honest with herself & tell herself that they BOTH deserve better. She'll be much more happier either by herself OR with someone who doesn't bring out or encourage the worst in her. That's all I'm saying

Okie there! lol. When you call him a narcissist, you are making it look like he has a condition/illness in which he's justified for his inappropriate behaviour towards another human being. Don't call him a narcissist. Call him a douchebag. If anything, he has a "douchebag syndrome". He uses you and then abuses you, which is typical of a douchebag. You see him for what he is yet you don't want to walk away from him. Hence you cause your own misery. Nobody in this forum can help you until you want to help yourself. It's not that he drops you the moment you give him enough attention for him to feel mighty good about himself. He actually drops you the moment another girl hits him up. Have some self-respect and leave him. If you don't respect yourself, another person like him sure as hell wouldn't.

I have been doing a lot of reading and tiki you are right. My father is a narcissist I think and I think my mom may have that BPD.

I have been conditioned to believe that it's ok to hurt the ones you love. If you did not love them, you would not care, then you would not hurt them.

For all my life hurt=caring=love.

Tiki I think I may be this type of interverted narcissist because with this man I felt whole. My past relationships with "normal" guys all fizzled and I think it wa because I needed them to be mean to me.

I am sounding crazy here but I almost think that if a person does not treat you like crap then the dont care enough, they love you.

am I making any sense to anybody?

i am posting to strangers because I think if I ever told anybody I know this they would judge me and call me crazy.

I also noticed I need this man to pay me a compliment for me to feel good. Just like I did with my dad. I feel like if anybody says I look good or did a good job it does not matter only HIS opinion matters.


Man, I am f-ed in the head, ROYALY.

What sound worse is that I feel comfort in being controlled. Sexually, mentally, not physically though. I feel a safe comfort in being controlled. I have never noticed this before.

Not a jealously control but a control on my life. If they love you they control you. I never realized I was being so controlled.

I feel like the roof is caving in on me.

I am scared. I dont want to depend on another for my emotional happiness. I am scared because I do not know what to do next. Therapy yesterday was helpful to point out the problem but I think was useless as an overall cure.

what to do next?

Oh, I know you cant be cured in one visit. I mean he told me over and over that in most cases a narcissist cant be helped.

I really think I am one too. Just the interverted kind.

I am all ears.

Posted by lostheart
I have been doing a lot of reading and tiki you are right. My father is a narcissist I think and I think my mom may have that BPD.

I have been conditioned to believe that it's ok to hurt the ones you love. If you did not love them, you would not care, then you would not hurt them.

For all my life hurt=caring=love.

Tiki I think I may be this type of interverted narcissist because with this man I felt whole. My past relationships with "normal" guys all fizzled and I think it wa because I needed them to be mean to me.

I am sounding crazy here but I almost think that if a person does not treat you like crap then the dont care enough, they love you.

am I making any sense to anybody?

Man, I am f-ed in the head, ROYALY.

Yes your making sense but I would encourage you to seek out professional help to get the correct assessment, it's not healthy to assume your a certain way because you may not be that way, you may just suffer from very poor self esteem and need cognitive therapy to help you untwist the patterns you developed by being around toxic parents. You may carry a few traits for being an Introverted N but you may not be a full blown introverted N. Sometimes what can happen is that you meet a man with Narcissistic tendencies and he can trigger you and push you into the submissive role but that doesn't make you introverted....I guess I'm just cautioning you about calling yourself an undiagnosed personality disorder because there could other issues that draw you to N's, if a child grew up in a household with N's and Bpd she's going to automatically gravitate what makes her feel the most comfortable and an N will most likely make you feel comfortable but that doesn't mean that's the only time you will feel alive...You have to undo what you saw as a child and relearn how to be healthy and then decide.

Stop calling yourself fucked up...Your no more fucked up then me and all the other people in the world....This is life and life can be hard sometimes, it's what you choose to do with your life that matters. You don't have to stay in this place if you don't want to. Your not crazy, a lot of women have been in your shoes, it gets better.

Posted by aPiscesPrincess
I understand what you're saying. Because it sounds like you grew up needing attention from your father but he was too wrapped up in himself to care enough, and any little bit of attention you got from him made you feel that was your worth. And now you're looking for men who give you the same feeling your dad did in that way, because that's all you knew of being 'loved' growing up. And you feel that if they control you then they must care about you because they want to control you.

I don't really have any advice though, but I just wanted to say I understand how you feel. And it sounds like you're on the right track because you want help, and you're reaching out.

Thank you, yes, my house was a house of terror and horror. I thought I escaped it and now it would seem my ghosts have followed me all the way here.

I feel like I am waking up from a dream life. A Nightmare life. Life of a person that you would watch in a movie. All of everything is making sense. I hate holidays. I hate being at partys. I dont know how to act. I dont know how to get up and dance at a wedding. I can dance but I dont know how to go to a function and have fun. I dread so much that others call enjoyment.

My enjoyment is being left alone.

I realize now that is not enjoyment. I know that as enjoyment because that was when I was happiest as a child. When I was left alone and not tormented. My enjoyment is being able to escape and hide.

I appreciate all the hand holding, thank you, I need it right now and I have nobody to ask that I dont fear repercushions from.

Posted by lostheart
What sound worse is that I feel comfort in being controlled. Sexually, mentally, not physically though. I feel a safe comfort in being controlled. I have never noticed this before.

Not a jealously control but a control on my life. If they love you they control you. I never realized I was being so controlled.

I feel like the roof is caving in on me.

But what you fail to understand that it's all part of having very poor self esteem, it changes once your self esteem is balanced back to it's original state, I can almost guarantee you once you get help with how you view yourself and how to manage your emotions and how to take control of your life you will not feel the way you feel right now...

You felt safe with your N b/c N's have a way of making a woman feel emotionally dependent and also has a way of making her feel dumb/stupid/unable to live her own life and now you don't feel like you have control over your life, once someone help you understand how to take that control back you will never feel this way again...When you get the help you need to relearn how to be your own woman, to trust yourself and trust your feelings and relearn how to stand on your own 2 feet you will never want anyone to control you not sexually, mentally, physically.

Being around toxic men (Narcissist as well) have this unique ability in making his target feel like a victim, he can make her feel so low about herself she begins to doubt herself and doubt her worth and she becomes dependent on his approval and acceptance once that happens she's lost, it's a huge amount of emotional brainwashing going on.

If you can stay away from him for a few months you will feel so much better...But some women find it very difficult to part ways with a toxic man.

Posted by ellessque
pull away and take care of you. it will suck. you will miss him. but slowly you will start to become stronger.

once that strength enters your soul he will become less appealing and the little things he does will become increasingly annoying.

but you have to make a break. if you can't fully do a break, keep it to phone contact only and watch the time limit on the calls. you'll get your little "fix" and you will be able to move on and function.

introduce other men in your life. they will all seem incredibly boring to you and unexciting. but take their phone calls, entertain conversation, even if your mind is wandering off to him. force yourself to be social, i know this is hard as a scorpio. we hate alot of stimulation at the same time, it clutters our mind. we like to focus and zone in on one thing or person.

if you need to see him a few more times.....span the time out over a few weeks or a month so it's not an everyday occurence. don't make him priority for everyday. promise yourself a full day without any stimulation from him.

it works. it's a long process, i'm going thru it myself. i became addicted to the feelings the man fed me....realizing that him, as a person, was starting to become relevant and I just wanted those feelings. almost thought it was going to work out at one point and went all in emotionally. you'll probably do that to. but once they reject you that one last time when you've pulled yourself together and bottled up a little strength......you can walk away a heck of a lot easier.

really great advice *argh that hurt to admit lol*

Posted by ellessque
why do you assume that he makes her feel dumb/stupid/unable to live her own life?

that is verbal/emotional abuse.

i believe this is something entirely different.

these guys make us feel on top of the world, the best we will ever be, stronger than ever, able to accomplish anything at any time and almost invincible. they completely feed our huge egos....at their leisure. So, in turn, we crave that more and more and they give it less and less. we get pissed because it comes less often.

but i've never been made to feel stupid or inferior. that is not the comforting control I was speaking of.

now, if she's dealing with abuse, that is different and I retract my advice.

I'm actually not assuming that he's actually doing that to her specifically and yet most people that have been in abusive situations understand some of the behaviors that typically happen with selfish toxic men towards women. I have met and spoke with women whose abusers, controllers made them feel stupid in some way or unable in some way, other women felt ugly and undesirable as he was taking more and more of the attention away and only doling it out in bits and pieces, it kept her on edge and filled with anxiety, I'm not actually saying he's doing that but given how she feels about herself it's clear some sort of emotional abuse was going on between the 2 of them.

Some women feel inferior and less than when her man is no longer feeding her ego, no longer being hyper focused in on her with all the one on one attention, she naturally begins to plummet, her self esteem plummets, some women begin to doubt her worth, there are all kinds of emotions that come with a man behaving this way with a woman.

Not every woman is the same but abuse has some of the same effects on every woman...

Posted by ellessque
no, it didn't hurt. i found i wasn't getting what i needed and slowly peeled me/him off of me/him.

still love him. i'd take him back in a second if he could love me back. he just can't. i know that know.

the part that makes it easier is he can't love anyone. it was never about me at all. she'll realize that at some point too.

oops sorry I didn't mean hurt you....I meant it was hard for me to admit you were giving lostheart great advice...That lol didn't go over well.

But never the less I'm happy for you...it's good to see you speaking with emotional clarity and it's even better to see you in a healthier place mentally, emotionally and physically.

Posted by ellessque
well, i'm interested to see if that is what she is feeling. because, dealing with a man very similar to what she has described (not really sure if he's a narcissist but the thought crossed my mind), i didn't have the kinds of feelings you are describing.

I never felt stupid
I never felt ugly
I never felt unable
I never felt undesirable
I never felt inferior
I never doubted my worth
I was on edge and had anxiety because it was like a "fix" of some sort, sort of a sense of thrill and excitement

Actually, the feelings you described were actually quite the opposite. I had a feeling of being invincible and in total control of my life because I was digging the control I had handed to him.

If her scenerio is different, I may be completely wrong in what I'm saying to her and I digress.

But see I'm going to challenge you on that because I can remember a not so confident woman, a woman that was in pain and grieving over her situation and attempting make something that didn't fit FIT....When women behave that way she isn't understanding her worth or she wouldn't be doing that with a man if she did, A woman that know her worth don't stick around in one sided relationships b/c inevitably she know the outcome is her self esteem will be damaged by it.

I'm not going to pick you apart please don't think I'm doing that, I'm just giving you a view from another set of eyes. I didn't see you behaving like a woman that was superior, maybe you felt superior but a lot of your behavior at that time was very unattractive and inferior...Of course this is my opinion and you know me well enough to know I'm not going to sugar coat anything. The woman I see today Is superior and behaving and speaking in a superior confident emotionally balanced way, I didn't see that back then.

And let me clarify something, I'm not saying lostheart ex made her feel those things specifically, sine she went into the spin off that he's an N, I was simply stating how those type of men make women feel and those are some of the usual feelings that can appear within a toxic situation...There is no way a woman will feel good about herself if a man continuously walks into her life, takes her love and energy and drop her when he gets bored and/or finds a new love interest, that happens enough a woman will begin to question her worth and doubt herself.

Are we now concentrating on Elle's life again?