Devalued by a Narcissist (Page 3)

A few quotes on Amazon from the book

Some choice quotes on the matter:

"Interestingly, this is the only major trait that the psychopath's woman shares with the psycho

I could go on, but you get the idea. Friendly, cooperative, empathic, loyal, extraverted, tolerant, well-adjusted women are like a gold-mine, literally, for the psychopath. He'll use her strengths against her in order to keep her right where he wants her, while he drains her bank account, emotional vitality and all of the time their psychological and physiological health suffers as a result.

One of the most interesting traits I discovered during the reading was: "..the women in the survey when given the choice between trusting what the psychopath says he has done/not done/or will do, or trusting what she has caught him actually doing, women who love psychopaths will likely choose the words over the actions."

Now that's pretty scary. We're also given info on how he uses sex as a primer, in order to have her bond with him, chemically:

"Sex kick-starts the premature bonding process. The touching and sexual stimulation seals the love bond. The stimulation of the vagina and cervix during sex causes the release of the hormones prolactin and oxytocin. These hormones travel to the bonding centers of the brain and produce an emotional and hormonal attachment to the man. The importance of these hormones in female attachment is these are the exact hormones produced in pregnancy and nursing. They are responsible for a woman's ability to bond to babies! The more sex she has with the psychopath, the more these attachment hormones are released, and the more bonded she feels to the psychopath. This isn't merely the cuddling of love making. This is a biochemical process occurring in her body and brain increasing her sense of attachment...but tragically, to a psychopath! These are the hormones of motherhood attachment. Just like motherly love is unconditional, a sexual bond is also unconditional. She will find out just what it will cost her to have this intense unconditional attachment and love bond to a psychopath."

Psychopaths also instinctively know how to induce trance-like states in normal people:

"Trance produces perceptual biases. That means if the psychopath is telling her wonderful things and she is euphoric with him, she tends to associate wonderful and euphoric things with the memory of him...even after he's turned into a monster. While in trance, a woman tends to "cement" what she felt or learned in that state. That's why it's so difficult for women to believe he's a liar, swindler, or cheater because she learned all the wonderful things about him in trance states that have been "cemented" in her memory."

And really you can replace the word Psychopath with Narcissist or toxic dark souls.

Posted by aPiscesPrincess
That's pretty interesting Tiki, but I think a guy like that is a lot more extreme than what most of us want or look for. Maybe the OP's bf was to that extreme though, idk.

For me I think a big part of it is I also like the challenge of a guy who's not so easy, and who doesn't throw himself at me doing everything I want, trying to please me all the time. I don't like a guy I can walk all over. (And it seems like most guys are that way, at least initially.) I need more of a challenge. I love a guy who's not afraid to put me in my place when I need it (but not in an abusive way). Because I know I can push buttons and be a challenge sometimes too. But he also needs to show me love and respect too, and in return I need to be able to love and respect him. It seems like a big problem is a lot of guys are too extreme either way.. either push-overs or abusive, so it's hard to find the right balance in the middle.

Extreme maybe so but as I stated the type of men some of you are attracted really is up in that book...I'm jus saying and really prettymoonlight triggered that thought about the book through her describing her attraction and need for dark men, I hadn't read that book in a few years and that book talks about women who gravitate towards dark men and there personalities and yes some celebrities are considered Narcissists, Alec Baldwin would fit that personality, a guy that flashes a beautiful smile in public but berates you behind your back...Mel Gibson would be another dark soul that's considered a Narcissist, he hid that part of himself for years until he couldn't hide it anymore, he's known to berate and hit women behind closed doors.

But I know exactly were your coming from.....Finding a balance between push-over and abusive is tough.

Posted by ellessque
Mel Gibson is an alcoholic. Period. Makes no difference if he's light or dark. In all actuality, pre his breakdown he is what I would consider as "light".

My first husband - light. but i was stupid, i thought he was dark because he was abusive. if I ever would have stood up to the man I could have laid him flat out unconscious. I was 3 inches taller than the limp dick sucker. but I was still discovering this whole light/dark balance at 17 years old....and the idiot was a serial cheater.

My second husband - light. i walked all over him. he let me do whatever i wanted. that got me in trouble financially. he just stood and watched. didn't stop me, didn't warn me and didn't help me. i lost total respect for the man. he knew that and spiraled into a drinking frenzy. he was never abusive, in fact, i think he feared me. he was not a cheater. but all was not good. i felt completely alone in this world and that he did not have my back.

The sag - dark. scorp in moon, venus, mars, merc. enough said. let me get to the very edge of life and then pulled me back. guided me. taught me. was patient with me but still authoriative. not abusive verbally or physcially. I knew he had my back regardless of any mistake I made.

The cap - dark. teacher like. tremendous amount of self respect. not abusive verbally or physcially. could read my mind. can guide me where i need to go. works on MY faults and weaknesses without making me feel "less than". sexually i was allowed to be very submissive which was extremely satisfying. he walks in a room and demands respect and gets it. he can handle my "fits" of emotional crap with kid gloves and doesn't exploit or degrade what I'm feeling. I knew he had my back regardless of any mistake I made.

Actually I'm not here to debate whose light or dark and the differences, it's fine if you do but I'm not really interested...I'm just putting it out there that some of ya'll playing with fire...Of course your going to defend what you like about dark men and focus on the good and not so much focus on the dark icky stuff that go on in relationships with dark men, I know what goes on, I know the good and I know the bad so I can't be fooled so this could go on forever

Posted by kstarks2
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! !!!!!

So now we're gonna play the BLAME GAME————

What is that going to solve? So because she stayed with him for 3 years she now must be punished even more by putting the blame on herself?

This is some serious bullshit for you all to believe SHE is at fault for someone else's behavior. NO, I don't think anything is HER fault and I'm getting real tired of hearing a fucking lunatic PISCES always putting blame on the WOMAN who comes in here for advice and to seek help and all that she gets is "its your fault" - What kind of crack are you all smoking—

Nice to know I am not alone in my feelings against that style .

That seems rather extreme ... wouldn't a gentle middle of dim hughes be more satisfactory?

Maybe it's spelled hues —


yeah *hues*

Posted by borderlinecapri

Posted by kstarks2
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! !!!!!

So now we're gonna play the BLAME GAME————

What is that going to solve? So because she stayed with him for 3 years she now must be punished even more by putting the blame on herself?

This is some serious bullshit for you all to believe SHE is at fault for someone else's behavior. NO, I don't think anything is HER fault and I'm getting real tired of hearing a fucking lunatic PISCES always putting blame on the WOMAN who comes in here for advice and to seek help and all that she gets is "its your fault" - What kind of crack are you all smoking—

Nice to know I am not alone in my feelings against that style .

click to expand

This kind of post reminds me of a Democrat, which is why I don't like Democrats ... because they never give advice, they never bring answers ... they say they believe different, but, then don't provide their solution.

which to means they don't have an answer ... they know how to bark, and that's it


To be against something means absolutely nothing if you don't voice what you are for.

There is so much posted here I found some information helpful.
I am not feeling much better. I think you all became sidetracked and missed what I was trying to say. The whole dark and light thing was not where I was going with this.

Then why don't you clarify?

You bothered to say what it wasn't ... why don't you bother to say what it is?

I like Lady Gaga 🙂 Can't help it...she's odd!

I spent most of my adult life in toxic relationships. In my case, it is quite correct to compare involvement in those relationships to drug addiction. I was addicted to the rollercoaster ride and the extremes of emotion. Because of my upbringing, I was conditioned to be attracted to the chase, and always needed to be in the situation of having to try to extract love from someone who was either unwilling to give it or didn't know how. After I managed to wrest the attention I needed out of a guy, I would get bored and look for someone else.

Once I figured out what I was doing, I made a conscious decision to change the pattern. It was really hard. I started dating a wonderful and attentive guy, but kept thinking about the bad boys and the exciting rollercoaster. It was just like getting sober and remembering the drug, but yearning for it less and less as more time passed. I don't need it any more. You really can change your patterns and your life.

ellessque you have your methods, other people have theirs. You like to use your own life experiences to help people understand, because of course what you say is real and comes from real experience, not just a formulated piece of advice of judgement. Whether that person wants to use your story as a helpful piece of advice to formulate her own opinions is completely down to her and her only. On the other hand if that person wants to shrug it off as just one persons personal experience then so be it. Your just 1 person out of 7 billion. What does your experiences count for? For all you know your experience on the matter could be a rare occasion, a 1 of a kind.

wtf did i just say?

i meant to make a positive point there but just couldn't quite grasp the right words. FUCK IT.

Posted by ellessque

Posted by P-Angel
Then why don't you clarify?

You bothered to say what it wasn't ... why don't you bother to say what it is?

Yes, Please and thank you.

It gets sidetracked because you keep telling us how bad you are feeling and not really dealing with the issue.

*snatches kleenex*

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How do I feel? I am mad and hurt because I think that I have been cast aside for somebody he thinks is better. I am mad at myself because I wont allow myself to talk to him when he called me. I f**King refused to let him hurt me again. I am also mad because I love him and he does not love me back. I am mad because of my stupid pride I wont meet him for a coffee to talk. I am mad because I am so stubborn. I am mad because I am not really stubborn but deep down I am just afarid of his hyjinxs. I am mad because I would take all of this shit back in a minute just to have this fuecked up crazy asshole back in my life.
and lastly I am mad because I know I am selling myself short but I still want him anyway.

Was that honest enough?

Hi! I actually re-opened my account for you! Sweetie you are not alone.

What the girls above wrote was right on the money-- you will feel better over time. If I can start to heal-- you can, trust me.

This is 100% what everybody thinks after a break up. NOBODY really likes change initiated by somebody else. If you had found somebody you liked better than it may have been him posting here! (well maybe not but you get the idea).

You will feel better with two things (1) TIME and (2) Meeting another guy you like more-- or at least one who will take your mind off him.

Did you ever see "When Harry Met Sally"? Billy Crystal still had a thing for his ex wife after they broke up. So one day he and meg ryan have sex and become a sorta "thing"-- until one day-- he saw his ex wife while he was in a store with meg Ryan!!! So meg ryan sees how he is still hung up on his ex wife! So she completely detached from him. It was only then that he realized he loved meg ryan.

Time. That's all you need. Time.

((((BIG HUGS)))

Oh, sorry I lost my point ..lol.. what I am trying to say is that it is he causing this-- not you. You have to find a way to accept it. If one day he chooses to come back then it will be you who has the upper hand.

If you get the upperhand I HIGHLY suggest you find a way to keep it as this man seems to hurt you when he has it.

Good luck sweetie

PS
The narcissist I knew-- it all feels like a distant memory. Like it never happened. I think if I saw him now I would feel so uncomfortable-- I would probably get a stomach ache.

LOL I'm laughing like a mofo over the thread title. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa