International, Long Distand, Online Dating

I suppose this question is best for those who are in the military, date/married to a serviceman and/or those who use online dating services.

I recently met a guy who was here on business. He has returned to his home planet. We have spoken/chatted daily since then. I am very much intrigued by him and would like to get to know him better. For now, e-communications are fine but I suppose the day will come (if all goes well) when we will meet again in person. Where this is possible, I wonder if it's rational.

A round-trip flight alone will be $ 800. This of course does not include food, lodging and accommodations. Let's say we dig each other. I can imagine that after one or two visits, the financial and geographical strains will make any possible union difficult. The question is, is it insurmountable?

So the questions are...

Have you ever dated someone who was out of state/province/country?

How often did you see each other in a given year?

How long did the relationship last?

Why did it end?

Would/did you move to be closer to your mate?

What was the result of the move?

Was the person the same in-person as they were on the internet/phone?

I have more but overall, I just want to know if I should resign this to a pen-pal situation or if I should just go with the flow and see what happens? On a side note, I can't get Avril Lavigne out of my head.

lmao...DISTANCE

This is another one of those exception to the rule issues...Most women are not the exception but the rule, meaning there are women that have been lucky enough to bridge the gap from LDR to exclusivity but they are the exception...If you want a fulfilling intimate close relationship that is REAL and not imaginary and their is no short or long term goal for either person to live in the same city, stick with friends and forget the lover stuff, unless he's a commitmentphobe or both of you are commitmentphobes this won't be a fulfilling situation for either of you, having sex twice a month or less is unrealistic and economically undesirable, you both will crave what you can't get from LDR and most likely he will seek companionship elsewhere and vice versa, save yourself the trauma, headache, disappointment, anger, resentment, drama and seek a closer situation/relationship.

LDR given the economy won't last very long LOL, if it were me I would reside to being just pen-pals....If you insist on going there make sure you both have a come to terms with a goal eg someone is uprooting themselves to be with the other preferably he will be moving were you are which will show how committed he is to the relationship.

i know...that's the thing. i had one LDR and it lasted for 2 years. to my knowledge, he never cheated, nor did i. we were generally happy and i think had things played out differently, he could've been husband #1. all we had to do was be local and i have no doubts that the relationship would have headed in a positive direction.

in this situation, dude is OLD and i'm trying to put that issue on the back burner as to not complicate my question. so that's an underlying issue. side from that is location. he resides in a country that i've never visited, that i'm only moderately fluent in speaking the language, that's expensive as hell and so on...

as things are, it would be me moving to be with him and in a way, that's not a big deal. i desire to leave the country anyway and am currently working on achieving that goal.

but in this situation it would put me in a place where i would be dependent on someone else...someone that i would have only grown close to via a computer. even if he lived on the west coast of the US, it would still be a situation where you only know a person until you live with them. how much would it suck to get all the way over there to find out we're not really compatible.

but people do it. there are exceptions. why are the exceptions so exceptional? what makes those situations work? is it merely that the two people are just that right for one another?

Uh oh hell nawl...being independent is #1 when it comes to moving to another country with a man you hardly know...Nope don't do that, it's not like your 18 or 21 and can just put it all together again, the older women get the harder we fall, meaning it will take you much longer to regroup if it fails....Mad money, make sure you have enough money for a plane ticket home or at the most enough money to start up on your own for a couple months if you find yourself stuck in his country.

I believe it's exceptional when the man is doing majority of the work, his efforts beyond just emailing/calling/TM'ing etc is a sure sign he's serious, he's paying for majority of the financial burden, meaning he's the one making the most effort to move the relationship forward by investing his time, energy and money, he's going to be the provider because she's the one uprooting her whole life for him that's the least he can do, if he's not doing that then most times they have NOTHING to lose from dumping you on your ass and moving on to someone else, if he's investing you have a higher percentile rate that if something goes wrong he's going to move mountains to fix it before he ditches the relationship. I'm sure there are other opinions and more to add to that but my brain is tired d:

my day is just getting started.

but yeah, you're right. i believe that a man has to put the majority of the effort into the situation or it's not worth it. i just could never figure out how much effort was necessary.

either way, time will tell. it would be nice to have a fairytale that had a happy ending for once.

chunk out the fairy tale, it's a myth, be realistic and see what's there for you, fairy tales get women in trouble and plus it sets her up for disappointment with men....If he seem to make it semi-easy for the transition from your country to his well that's a huge indication that he's emotionally invested and needs you there with him, you will know he's serious if he's truly putting in more of an effort by planning, paying and working out some kind of gaol with you but if your paying 100% out of your pocket plus pay him rent, being his caretaker and buying food then you know he's just not that into....He can say come to me all day long but what is he doing to alleviate the financial burden so you can get their....I'm not saying he has to pay pay pay but since you would be the one sacrificing your livelihood then he should be the one ensuring your needs are met and your stay is comfortable and effortless by pulling slack.....He has to invest or he can discard you and not care about your well being...his effort is an indication he cares about you and what happens to you and to the relationship....

A move across country is costly, he's already in that country so he should be doing the majority of the work to ensure your trip/stay goes as smooth as possible....When you see that happen then it's okay to take a chance, if your going to move to his country 100% on your own finances then you should just save enough money to get your own place before you get there and set up a job so you can be independent and not rely on him.

The average person that attempts to make a long distance relationship work, always starts off with being optimistic & confident about things. But that's b/c the "honeymoon" stages (where 2 people are still getting to know eachother) always feel good. The problem? AFTER the honeymoon stages end, reality sets & the real measure/value of the relationship comes out. When the butterflies & sweet words start to get old/go away & when the reality of actually having to WORK to make REAL relationships work, comes into play, that's when people start to realize that 1. The distance WAS a big deal (it just wasn't when their emotions were in control over their own logic) & that 2. Trust & all other factors that go into establishing a real foundation with someone cannot be established through means of a computer.

1. Of course there's always those couples that defied the statistics & ended up loving/trusting eachother, thus to walk off into the sunset together. There's always the people that fall into that 1% . BUT, as for the REST of us, we need to stop acting like we don't know ourselves. You know NOW whether or not distance (among other things someone over the computer can't offer), is something you can/cannot deal with. Why people WAIT until they develop feelings for someone else to finally evaluate things is beyond me.

And hey, it's very common for people to establish good friendships online. BUT, if you notice, those flings/relationships/friendships don't really go to the ultimate level. If you notice, there's always a part in the story somewhere when things end. And I say that assuming that the average person's goal of it all is to ultimately end up with that person, thus walking off into the sunset with them. None of us spend countless hours & loads of money, energy or other things just to end up being "just friends" 2 or more years later. You need to REALLY think about whether or not YOU can handle the distance or any other obstacles persay this guy OR ANY guy were to be that UMPH! you've been looking for. If you already know that you won't want to deal with those challenges later on, then don't place yourself in a situation that you already know for a fact will cause any unecessary stress in the future. And I say that b/c it's already BAD ENOUGH that we'll all encounter stressful situations with the people that live 5 minutes away from us

yay paragraphs!!! and i read every single word.

thanks for the input. yes, i think it's not wise to "play at" LDR. it ultimately ends up being a waste of time and one can actually miss out on amazing local people while in a quest for a remote fantasy.

for myself, having experienced LDRs before, i'm not a stranger to making them work...long distance. i did move to be closer to one of my beaus. that was a mistake. not the move per se but him. as tiki said, moving and being financially independent are the only way to go. i can't imagine moving and being financially dependent on anyone...ever. i always have to have my own. so, i don't regret the move in a general sense as it didn't set me back as i did love the area and i met great friends. but, my reason for the move was flawed...my reason was him. i didn't have enough knowledge/experience with him to take that leap of faith. also, he was not nearly as invested as he should've been in getting me there. i won't make that mistake again.

krys, i agree with the "honeymoon" concept of online dating. meeting new people in a format where you're totally relaxed and can essentially hide behind a screen means that you're likely to meet a lot more people than you would in real life. some of them are bound to be amazing. if i made any error in the past it was forgiving/ignoring the signs/signals. i allowed the "outstanding conversation" to trump the less outstanding realities.

having seen some of my thoughts in black in white reflected back to me and expounded upon by you two, i think it's not a matter of avoiding LDRs, it's being realistic from day one. what are my expectations? when do i want to meet? how much time am i willing to invest? what do i expect from him? etc... and unlike "real life" relationships, in long-distance ones, it's far more important to be candid about your desires and expectations. for example, if you don't plan on moving, state it up front.

so i actually feel a little more confident at the end of typing this post than at the start because i think this is something i would like to pursue...until i'm given reason otherwise. i know that's the opposite of what yall wanted to hear but ha!, did you expect any different? 😉

"until i'm given reason otherwise. i know that's the opposite of what yall wanted to hear but ha!, did you expect any different?"

Yep I say run for the hills he could be into human trafficking given he's from another country but that's because maybe I have watched the movie Taken with Liam Neeson far too many times this week LOL

For the most part your an adult, to pursue or not is entirely your call and if you feel it's worthing pursuing my lips are zipped d:

I wish you nothing but good luck and happiness.

@tiki - i'm not giving up on all others in hopes of pursuing this man. i'm merely saying that i am not closed to the possibilities. the internal debate i had before was whether i should resolve in one direction or the other. i've made my expectations clear to him and him to me. we're not opposed. will see where it goes based on his effort primarily.

@tauruswmn - i agree. i think a lot of people look upon LDR negatively but they aren't always miserable. as you said, there are issues in any union. predicting/controlling outcomes isn't possible in any situation. ultimately, i think it works when it's "real." i forgot that...and i think that's what made some of my attempts in the past failures. why should my connection be any less valid merely because they is distance between us? in fact, i've always argued that it can be far more real.

in a LDR, i talk more with my interest...more frequently, at greater lengths. it may take months locally dating to learn what i could achieve in weeks in a LDR.

anyway, will let you all know how it turns out. we will NOT be meeting anytime soon. tickets cost too much. and aside from a wonderful trip, i want to get past the "honeymoon" phase and get at the real person a lot more.

Well it's all about the person & how aware they are of what they truly want. It is true that relationships b/w 2 people living close to eachother can produce the same kinds of problems/issues/unrealistic ideals that any long distance relationship can face. BUT, that's why I say it all comes down to the person. Some people specifically and ONLY seek people that live very far away from them; those are the kinds of situations that I strongly question, considering a person doing that is literally searching for the very same challenge they'll end up complaining about later.

Sure, there are some good people online or distances away. It sucks that alot of BAD people use the internet/computer as a way to disguise themselves as good people (no matter how optimistic you are, you CANNOT ignore this fact either). And when people say that close-distance relationships present alot of the same problems as LDR's, I say, "That's my point!" It's hard enough for the people living within 5 minutes of eachother to establish AND maintain their relationships with others, so it's not necessarily "hating" to say that LDR are just even MORE of a challenge. And to someone like me, I try to stay away from any circumstances or situations (especially when those situations require my heart/emotions) that present a MORE-THAN-AVERAGE type of challenge.

It's not different than meeting a great looking man with all his ish together in every department. BUT, he has 3 kids. Sure, he might be a great catch, & he might be the best thing since sliced bread, which is GREAT. BUT, if you're the type of woman that doesn't have kids yet OR doesn't want to deal with a man with kids, being all in love won't change the reality of the fact that guess what? He's not only got kids, but 3 of them! I'm comparing this example to how I see long distance relationships. Sure, there's always an advantage & the positives to almost anything involving dating, BUT most of the people that claim LDR are worth a try, are the very same ones who end up complaining about the very same things (distance, trust, etc.) they debated on/claimed they accepted in the beginning when they were in the "honeymoon" stages. I don't think everybody can handle LDR. For the people that actually can, more power to them. But most people can't. They get caught up in the "online fantasy" & don't come back to reality until it's too late or until they catch themselves throwing "yet another one" under the drug & counting it as a loss

the very same ones who end up complaining about the very same things (distance, trust, etc.) they debated on/claimed they accepted in the beginning when they were in the "honeymoon" stages. I don't think everybody can handle LDR. For the people that actually can, more power to them. But most people can't. They get caught up in the "online fantasy" & don't come back to reality until it's too late or until they catch themselves throwing "yet another one" under the drug & counting it as a loss


i agree. i think some people are not equipped to deal with LDRs. i'm not even sure why those people bother. for example...

if you've lived in the same city all of your life for example...don't get involved in one.
if the person lives in a city with a depressed economy/job market...don't get involved.
are you prepared to recreate your life on your own dime?...if not, don't get involved.

overall, i think it's a matter of being ok with dependency (needing help with the move) but not depending upon it. allowing the person to invest in you, but having a rainy day/just in case/"out" funds. sorta like a date. let the guy treat you but bring your own meal money/cab fair/whatever... you never know when he might go CRAAAAZAY!

for me, i can move. this particular move would be extremely tricky but doable with the right amount of plannings, savings and assistance. in other words, i think answer the question of "if" early on is important and in my case, it's yes. i don't think pondering the 'if" is fanciful. usually it is. i mean, who starts asking about babies, marriage, moving at the start of a relationship? the answer is, people in LDRs do.

However, I do agree with what someone else said. If you just HAPPEN to meet someone (unexpectedly) that is AMAZING, but yet just happens to live far away from you then that's different b/c I'm not necessarily a fan of someone ignoring what their heart desires. I think that love is love & admiration is admiration regardless of what area you find it in. My problem is just primarily with those who PURPOSELY seek love in places that are in faraway places. And when it comes to internet dating, most websites have a link that allows users to make sure they are not accidentally searching for people that are outside of a certain mile range. And they do that for a reason. But like I said, it's not like I believe that the only people that are good for another person just have to/or always happen to live very close to one another. BUT, as we all have probably noticed, the notion that love "finds us" is not necessarily so true all the time. Most of the time we actually go searching for it & if we just happen to be lucky while searching, we MIGHT actually find it.

So when it comes to actually looking for love, I won't necessarily go looking for someone whose too far away from me b/c of the different challenges that automatically come with that territory, no different than I won't purposely go looking for a man with a criminal record or with kids, for example. (no matter HOW great he might make me feel or no matter HOW much I don't think I'll have to deal with any challenges as a result of those things). Just like with LDR, it's not to say that me seeking/pursuining someone with those issues would be impossible, BUT to be honest, some things I just don't want to have to deal with, ESPECIALLY since just being a human being already presents enough challenges in the love department lol.

As for you girl, I do think that you should go with what your heart wants you to do. If you really believe that it's worth it & that you can handle the challenges that come with LDR, then all power to you!!! I personally couldn't do it..been there, done that. BUT I'm sure that some people actually can have successful LDR's that end up out-lasting some of the relationships involving 2 people living under the same roof, let alone talking over a computer while 2,000 miles away from eachother. Good luck girlie

thanks krys. and why in the hell does it feel like everyone is acting as if i'm sitting here in a white poofy dress and a veil when i talk to Frenchy?

i think if this works, will do things differently. i don't know what time frame i will put on it just yet but there will be one. there has to be one. i'm getting old and he's already old. i don't have 2 years to be sitting at computer "what if'ing." he's dated internationally before so he's far more adept at this than i. where he had failings, i think we're both of the mindset of being upfront and honest at the start. thus, i've had a far more candid discussion with him than i have had with anyone...ever.

that's sorta what makes it refreshing. it's as if we put our resume's on the table, each reviewed and are now on temporary hire. the "90"-day review (seeing each other again) may not be in 90-days, but we've both decided it will happen and in time, as long as things continue to go well, we will factor in a when.

the REAL tricky part is "then what?" when/if i get to that stage, i will be back here asking what the hell to do cause although i have a game plan...OMG!

I have a LDR with a girl living in another city.I met her on the matrimony site. We share about everything on the phone,we exchange photographs,mails,chat everything.We are ready to put our friendship to the next level.Everthing is fine untill i met her in her town city. After i met her she said everything good about me and after tat i returned back to my city. but after two days she called me and said that your income is not enough for both of us and sorry to said that this relationship won'nt work. i cried whole night coz i never except this step from her. our relationship ends after 3 months. we share everything from the past to the present life. i give 110 % of myself to her.but she ditched me.I am very much hurt coz of her decision. It took almost 10 months to heal.In this peroid i tried almost every possible step to come back her.Till now i am not able to move her completeley from my mind.I am divided in two two parts coz my heart says something and mind said other thing,Dear i advice you to take step very carefully coz in this LDR which includes emotions,hurt,blackmail everything of a human involovment.I just wish tat u have a wonderfull relationship with your hubby.

awwwh, manu i'm sorry to hear about your whoas. damn shame that it all boiled down to money.

i don't fear LDRs. my first love was an LDR. we lasted over 2 years. we remain friends 8 years later. i would still love to see him again and he me but he and i both know where that would end up 😉

the LDR isn't really the problem IMHO. i think the bond you form can be more real than a local situation....IN SOME instances. i think it's why some women date prisoners (WHICH I DO NOT ADVOCATE NOR HAVE I DONE THIS IS FOR EXAMPLE PURPOSES ONLY). when a man is isolated from physical manifestations of affection, he uses his words. he can be more endearing, more connected, open and vulnerable. the question is, is any of it real? the answer is, much of it yes...his feelings for you on the other hand...eh...?

so for me, the challenge is closing the geographic gap. i'm weary of any man who's willing to move to be near me. where i'm open to move closer to him, as tiki said, he has to invest in me....like a company would. what's my relocation package look like?

A relationship through a computer cant be compared to a real relationship, yes you get all these intense feelings out and you talk and talk because there is nothing else to do. It's exciting as you work through how very compatible you may be, however I've been and seen where it all falls apart face to face.

From the friendly computer that you talk to every night as you are lonely or bored to a real life person with feelings...you think you know that person through and through, quite often there can be barriers like manu says he didnt make enough money for them...personally I feel she didnt physically respond to him & that was her excuse...

but in all reality through the computer you are just the fairytale perfect person & when that fairytale comes to an end you are left with someone REAL that you may not really want to be with after all!

And in saying all that, everybody needs to learn for themselves...so goodluck in whatever you do TS

Posted by sweethearts
A relationship through a computer cant be compared to a real relationship, yes you get all these intense feelings out and you talk and talk because there is nothing else to do. It's exciting as you work through how very compatible you may be, however I've been and seen where it all falls apart face to face.

actually, i think most of you are just salty.

my best relationship was a long distance one. i have remained close to this person for 10 years.

your personal failings in a e-relationship/LDR are just that. it would be akin to saying, my relationship with a leo sucked so your relationship with a leo will suck.

it depends on the individuals involved. you can have a fairytale locally...over the phone or a computer. i'm sorry that you guys had such a miserable go at it but maybe that's because you were living in a fairytale. my first situation worked because we were real. it failed because of real human failings. and in all honestly, it failed because i was controlling....computer aint have nothing to do with that.

Tubby why would anyone be salty over LDR situations? They aren't real relationships, that doesn't make me salty at all, it's easy to fall in love with words and webcam sex and the feelings are 100xs more intense because there is no reality of baggage between the 2....

IMO women that initiate these kind of relationships have some commitment issues going on such as being afraid of intimacy and possibly being passively commitmentphobic themselves, I'm sure there are other variables that can be included in these LDR situations and why women seek them out....I think it's easy to fall in love via a computer the real test is compatibility 1 on 1, most times when the couple meet it's awkward and that's when it fails, there are women that have managed to stay in relationships with men long distance and at the most remain friends but to even prefer that over something close and more physical make me wonder what's going on in the womans life that she would opt to be so distant with a man in the first place...To each his/her own, if you prefer LDR then whose to say it's truly wrong, each person has the right to find love the way they want to find it but logically LDR is not real unless someone is going to uproot and move to his/her town. LDR's is a great way to escape reality, escape logic and problems, most women grow out of these kind of situations with men, at some point she has to face her fears and at the most take control of her love life even if that means she has to move to a city, country, town that gives her better opportunities to meet men.

From what I have experienced through speaking to other women that are brave enough to be candid and honest about there decisions to be in LDR situations, mostly it comes down to commitment issues of there own and lack, lack of self confidence, lack of self love, hiding their true selves, desperation, weight issues, money issues, it's never really real because she's not really exposing herself in her true light, I'm not saying your this way tubby, I'm pointing out the reasons why most of these LDR situations don't work, mostly because women and men aren't truly exposing their real selves, that's why there is so much disappointment and awkwardness surrounding these situations...

I will always encourage women to date men in her town/city versus LDR, I just think that's the logical thing to do if a woman truly wants something real.

dating a local man who may or may not be cheating makes ir real because...

dating a local man who takes you out to dinner makes it real because....

dating a local man that's married makes it real because....

no relationship is real until the two of you commit to one another beyond that dating phase so i think the saltiness is in the presumption that there's a right and a wrong way.

i work from home. i have for 10 years. i date local, long, e-whatever...and i'm real all day everyday. i hope to find men who are as well. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't.

actually, i think most of you are just salty

You asked for opinions you got opinions and people have recalled their experiences and for some reason you see them as an attack— See how easily the computer world can change what you are thinking or picking up from another person? Nobody here is telling you what to do TS, just replying to your thread!

uhmmmm, i'm aware that you are replying to the thread. and the opinions are appreciated. however, ideally the answers would come from folks that aren't anti-these types of unions but those who have insight on how to make the unions work and thrive in-spite of the difficulties.

Yes tubby physical 1 on 1 is real, anything other than that is imaginary until it becomes physical, and yes women can have imaginary relationships without it being LDR, it's easy to feel all these loving feelings mentally, I can, you can, anybody can, that's the easy part, the hard part is compatibility on a physical 1 on 1 level, dating a married man is not real it's imaginary, dating a cheater is not real it's imaginary, maybe it's real for the woman but for the man it's not or he wouldn't be cheating....Cheating is pathological behavior, unless a man chooses to do everything he can to curb that behavior on his own most likely he will continue to cheat....

Women who tend to date men who cheat and stay with them have issues outside of her relationship with her man part of that variable has to do with her own self esteem, women who only date men long distance have some intimacy issues, emotionally lazy issues, self esteem issues, are afraid of rejection and opt to take the easiest route no matter if it works or doesn't work....I encourage you to find other means to date in cohesive with your desire to seek LDR situations with men.....I'm not knocking your method to date LDR but it seems to be a source of comfort and that to me is disconcerting.

If a man and a woman is online talking longer than 6 months and no one has met then it's not real, it's just a bunch of talk to alleviate loneliness and boredom and 2 people stuck on not making it real, preferring to stay stagnant in virtual reality.

You don't have to defend your choice with me tubby, it's your life, do what you do....No one here has to be bitter over your choices, it's your life, yours to do with what you want to do with it.

Just so you know I'm not anti-LDR, I have my personal opinions about it, I have actually done it myself, I prefer local, men and women that have a hard time connecting with other human beings flock to the net, I just didn't want to be one of those kind of people that are so commitmentphobic, fearful of physical intimacy that I got stuck in virtual reality...I outgrew it but I know there has to be a process to weening self off of the net. I didn't want to become dependent on LDR dating life style .

As you can see by the answers statistically the chances are low...

women who only date men long distance have some intimacy issues, emotionally lazy issues, self esteem issues, are afraid of rejection and opt to take the easiest route no matter if it works or doesn't work....I encourage you to find other means to date in cohesive with your desire to seek LDR situations with men.....I'm not knocking your method to date LDR but it seems to be a source of comfort and that to me is disconcerting.

wow! let's stop with the assumptions.

i date multiples. i always have. dating does not = commitment. see where each goes. if one is a lock, it's locked.

i am not "dating" this man in the exclusion of all others.

the "issues" you brought up don't apply to me and i would argue they don't necessarily apply to each and every person who chooses to look beyond their city limits.

If a man and a woman is online talking longer than 6 months and no one has met then it's not real, it's just a bunch of talk to alleviate loneliness and boredom and 2 people stuck on not making it real, preferring to stay stagnant in virtual reality.

my first and i met my senior year in college. after college we patred. i talked to him online for a year before we re-met and made it official soon thereafter. so, guess that wasn't real even though it lasted two years thereafter. uhm...kay.

point is, it depends on the two people involved. not the circumstances under which they met or how that bond has formed. i am comfortable in dating in a variety of different formats. i will find "the one" at some point and until then, i'm taking all comers.

sweety, i know the chances are low. hence the thread. the thread isn't, "let's confirm why this doesn't work." the thread is about finding ways in which to increase the chances of it working. any confirmation of the negative is counterproductive dontcha think?

i have A LOT of friends in the military. some who've spent up to two years without ample contact with their lover/spouse. some of the relationships have failed. others are still thriving. based on the assumptions, it's doomed for some of you. and for those of you for whom it is, ok. thanks for playing. for those who have had positive experiences, would love to hear from ya.

When you put an OP up here even when calling for only positive answers you will get all kinds of experiences, human nature will pull the pros and cons. From the negitive experiences there is just as much to take in and learn Tubby. Keep your mind open, Tiki's advice is really informative and not sure what she does for a living but she has great insight!

She gave me a bunch of advice once and I ignored it wanting to believe my way...she was right on the button! I could say that it would have saved me alot of heartache listening to her but NO I had to take the road and learn myself...as most of us will!

what the?

ok, review the original post and try again.

i am not taking anyone's advice from the internet in place of my own. i appreciate the input. that is invaluable. but on topic would be nice. i'm 32 years old. i been around the block. not stupid by any means. so i know the negatives. i don't need those. i got my own list of those from PERSONAL experience. duh ruh!

Tubby maybe you should get more information from the people you know that have made it work and are still thriving in LDR relationships, I couldn't even begin to tell you how to increase your odds because I'm not interested in making something like that work.

uhm, that's pretty clear and the negative vibe radiates 😉

i obviously have gotten input from my friends but i shouldn't be discouraged or even encouraged to not post a valid question here as there might be someone amongst the 1000s of people who visit this site who will read the questions that were asked and answer them. no?

i don't need pages of why the LDR's suck/don't work/won't work. that's another thread. what i would like to know is what i asked. anything else, thank you but really, not helpful.

I'm not negative about your issue because I'm not interested in it enough to be negative, I have my opinion, you have yours, I like to save my energy and negativity tends to eat up a lot of energy so I abstain from anything that's not going to be a positive source of energy for me....It's a discussion, no one has to be negative nor defensive but that's not something either of us can control so again more energy wasted, best to let people do what they need to do to be happy.

I stated my opinions as others, sorry there not helpful and good luck with your LDR journey d:

Hi Sweethearts ::waves:: hope all is good in your life xoxo

We all know that communication plays a HUGE part in whether or not a relationship will end up successful/long-term or short-term. And for me, the best part about having a relationship with someone within close distance is that you are allowed to not only get to know a person's character through their words, BUT ALSO through having the opportunity to see their actions AND body language along with everything else. The way I see it..it's impossible to SEE someone's actions or body language through a computer. While yes it IS possible to get to know a person just based on what they say & tell you can form a part of a friendship/relationship, I don't like that LDR strip 1 or both people from actually being able to SEE another person's actions/body language, etc..(ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE CONSIDERED COMMUNICATION TOO!) ..it's not to say that some can't make LDR work, BUT the reality of it is though that half of the reason they don't end up working out b/w 2 people is b/c of that very same lack of being able to SEE actions & allowing themselves to not only HEAR/READ someone's character, but also have the ability to see for themselves. In other words, actions speak louder than words.

Plus just like with alot of other highly debatable topics, alot of people are going to give their opinions of LDR that are more based in whether or not LDR actually worked for them or not. So if you ask the question on whether or not someone believes LDR can work are are possible, the person whose been there & done that but yet hasn't yet succeeded in making such a relationship work is more likely to have more of a negative approach to LDR in general vs. a person saying "NOPE, it won't work" as a means of personally pointing the finger at the people who actually CAN/DO make them work.

I've always been taught that communication is very important & that is is just as equally IMPORTANT to build a foundation with someone based on what another person SAYS AND DOES. The problem is that, most LDR's start their foundation merely based on just something being said over a computer or over a phone. And once the feelings are finally involved, THEN (if even then) the 2 people want to meet or find themselves closer to eachother through moving or whatever. And the reason people eventually recognize that eventually moving closer to 1 another is necessary IS b/c we ALL know that being able to SEE & experience a person IN person is VITAL in order for the relationship to continue to progress.

And since packing up & moving out overnight to be closer to someone else is possible, it's not at all that easy for others to do, whether they're doing it for the right reasons or for the wrong reasons. And the minute the convo about who'se going to make the ultimate sacrifice comes into play, THAT is when alot of things go wrong. The reality of fianances among other things are more the focus & concern..and for me, those are issues that I'd rather not deal with, thus that's why I find it ALOT easier to just automatically lean more towards people that live within a certain distance of me from the get-go.

When I want to get to know someone better, I don't want to only be able to verify certain things about them (like them being a good person or good father, for example) only b/c of what I've been told. No, I want the opportunity to actually be present & in person to be able to see certain things for myself. And hey, while not all people over the internet are frauds or posers, we also cannot forget that those with the intention of fooling other people OR hiding their true colors from others OFTEN use the INTERNET as their tool for doing so. And for me, I don't mind falling in love or taking leaps of faith & sacrifice. BUT, I also want to be able to see for myself certain things (that a computer or telephone cannot offer) before I even agree to take that leap of faith or make any of those sacrifices.

One thing I do like about LDR though is that it often teaches others what it means to make ultimate sacrifices & compromises. It teaches people what it REALLY means to trust. And that's something that alot of people in just regular relationships take for granted and/or don't really understand. Alot of us can easily throw out the "L" word or claim we trust someone that we really don't trust b/c technically we get to see that person every day. But for someone in a LDR who is actually sincere & with good character would be more in tune with what it means to truly trust since LDRs present more of a challenge than just regular ones do. I also love that problems/issues in LDR also seem to be brought to the table/ discussed and/or resolved alot quicker than just regular relationships

krys, try skype. webcams are amazing tools and they've been out for quite awhile 😉

in fact, i talk to friends and fam via the phone. i haven't seen some of my friends for 5 or more years. i don't see them when i'm speaking to them. some of them i'm closer now to them than i was 5 years ago. our friendships have deepened. my best friend lives 100s of miles away and we talk everyday. i haven't seen her since 2003. but i guess our friendship isn't real :p

in an LDR, i get to see the person while i speak to them. for example with frenchy, i can just tell when he's annoyed/puzzled (started thread about that). i didn't pay much attention to his body language when he was here but over the cam it's more pronounced. i actually find it funny because i feel as if i pick up on it more when on the webcam and we're typing moreso than when we're camming and on the phone.

ultimately, i agree that LDRs aren't easy but i would never move to be with someone/move to a new location if that location didn't pose benefits to me. i can't imagine moving to a city/state that i had no interest in...no curiosity in sans a stranger who happens to be sweet on me.

if i were to move or vice versa, the ideal situation would be one that both individuals are self-sufficient. i don't want to have to depend on anyone for anything. the only upside should be, i know who to call when i get lost or something like that. a friend in a new city versus a lover. at the end of the day, if it doesn't work out, i want to be left with the ability and the feeling that my new location offers immeasurable opportunity and possibility. without that i personally can't see myself moving.

so if LDR guy resided in...montana. there's no way in hell. montana is a beautiful place i'm sure but there's nothing about that appeals to me. it wouldn't appeal to me if the LDR worked out. so it's not as if any distance is on the table. i think that's another assumption...and a false one.

either way, i have a date tomorrow WITH A LOCAL GUY THAT I MET LOCALLY and i am continuing to talk to Frenchy to see what comes of it and i think the more i rap about it the more i am becoming clear on how to "make it work."

@Tubby...oh absolutely..of course the technology to make seeing another person over the computer is there, BUT not everyone has Skype or webcams. And hey, let's be honest..people wouldn't use those kinds of technologies if they didn't feel that being able to physically see another person was important. So even if a person is optimistic overall about LDR's, even they know that physically being able to see another person & being able to observe them in person & for themselves is just as important as getting to know them based on what that person is telling you. After all, 1. That's why most people who end up in LDr's end up eventually bringing up the topic of "occasionally making visits to see eachother" or 2. Those convos about 1 or both people moving eventually gets brought to the table. They get brought to the table b/c it IS important to be able to include physical attraction & the experience of physically being able to get to know them too, no different than it's important to be able to see someone's profile picture online. It may not be necessary 24-7 b/c not even local couples may get the chance to physically observe/see/learn their partners every day or week, BUT having that option IS important & DOES play a role in establishing the ultimate connection with another person.

So for me, instead of investing in webcams or plane tickets all the time, I'd rather just avoid all of that by seeking those who live as close to me as possible. And hey, it's not to say that those who seek LDR's or end up in them are nuts or shouldn't invest in those things, BUT for me, it takes alot of the stress off my shoulders just knowing that I won't necessarily have to worry about spending hundreds of dollars just in case I one day have a yearning to see the person I'm emotionally attached to. For some, they like the thrill (and sometimes even the challenges) in having to sacrifice & invest alot in LDr's. But hell, it's already challenging enough to find a "good one" nowadays that's local..& personally, since I have that option to chose which challenges I'd be willing to deal with from those I'm not willing to deal with, I'd just rather cut to the chase from the beginning & seek someone who already lived within a certain distance from me.

And hey, there's always the people that never expected to grow a connection with someone online. Those situations are different. After all, attraction is attraction & I'm not necessarily a fan of denying your feelings for someone

krys, skype is free. webcams cost nominal amounts and given you're saving on dates, one should be able to afford one.

And hey, let's be honest..people wouldn't use those kinds of technologies if they didn't feel that being able to physically see another person was important. So even if a person is optimistic overall about LDR's, even they know that physically being able to see another person & being able to observe them in person & for themselves is just as important as getting to know them based on what that person is telling you. After all, 1. That's why most people who end up in LDr's end up eventually bringing up the topic of "occasionally making visits to see eachother" or 2. Those convos about 1 or both people moving eventually gets brought to the table. They get brought to the table b/c it IS important to be able to include physical attraction & the experience of physically being able to get to know them too,


you're kidding right? on one hand, you're faulting folks for believing that they can develop a strong kinship sight unseen. then you turn around and fault them for using technology so that it's not sight unseen 😛


you chickies need to take an interest in statistics. how many of you are happy married? how's that uhm local-only thing workin' for ya?

i learned within the past....3 years that i ain't buying shit! thanks to my aries gma, a scorpio fem and leo fem, i will no longer be footing the bill in any of my relationships. as my gma said i regard to my gdad, "my money is my money and his money is my money."

when i see frenchy, i shall not be paying for anything. at most i will treat him to dinner on occasion. if sex becomes involved, even dinner treats are going out the window. as my scorp friend said, "bitch, you know what the going rate for sex is these days?"

i jest but overall, i'd rather increase my chances than limit them. juggling balls takes A LOT of energy but it's pretty easy to do when you're not physically or emotionally invested. so as far as LDRs, don't knock it till ya try it.

Well there's the goods & the bads for any situation/circumstance. There's ALOT of advantages that come with LDR's just like there are disadvantages. Some people chose to name all of the disadvantages in the beginning, thus it gives off the impression that they all-around/all-together don't support LDR's..and that's not always the case. People hear what they want to hear. Alot of the times when people bring up questions or topics about LDR's, it's usually centered upon some type of issue or challenge, thus that's when the negative opinions & viewpoints start coming out.

I support the LDR's that actually work no different than the local relationships that do. Make no mistake about it, local relationships go through some of the VERY challenges & disadvantages that LDR territories do. There are 1 million "horror stories" about LDR's just like there are the same amount of horror stories when it comes to local relationships.

I wonder how CELEBRITIES do it? After all, they work so hard and/or spend countless hours/days/months away from their partners, but yet somehow seem to know how to keep their relationship afloat. Maybe it's b/c both partners (both celebrities) 1. Met in person AND established a mini foundation 1st before the distance entered the relationship OR 2. Maybe it's b/c both partners, while having the same hectic schedules, technically can't ever knock the other since they both have that in common? Who knows. Interesting...

@Tubby...Whoa whoa I never knocked ANYONE for believing in or being in Long distance relationships. And 2, little did you know I HAVE been in 2 LDR's so I don't know WHERE you got the idea that I haven't "tried it." Oh I HAVE tried it & so have alot of my friends & people in general. But just b/c I've tried something doesn't mean that I have to like it or that I'd recommend it to the average person asking for my opinion. I've had 1 LDR actually work for me, so don't think that I'm just "knocking" anything just b/c it didn't work out in the way I'd planned. It's no different than a person chosing not to date someone with kids. Making that decision isn't "knocking" or cursing the other person just b/c they had kids. No, it's moreso just that the other person having kids DOES present certain & extra challenges/territories that being with a person w/o kids wouldn't necessarily bring to the table UP FRONT. It's not to say that the person would be unhappy or not be fulfilled just b/c their crush has kids, BUT then again, if they'd rather prefer someone without them, then it's probably for a GOOD reason, regardless of whether they've "tried" it or not. There are ALOT of things I haven't technically "tried" like heroin for example, but that doesn't mean that I don't have the right to be anti-drugs either.

And one, in terms of statistics...just wanting to be or being down for being in a LDR doesn't count when it comes to the people that actually ARE in successful/unsuccessful LDR's. There are more people in local relationships than there are long distance ones. I've said from the beginning, that if people want to invest in LDR's (whether it's for the RIGHT or wrong reasons) & if those relationships end up proving to be long-term, then hey all power to them! But me disagreeing with or me not willing to JUMP into one isn't the same as me knocking the people that would/do. There's a HUGE difference.

My view of LDR's in general (based on what I've experienced AND what I've heard from the VERY people that HAVE been in them) is no different than when a person signs up to be on a dating website. Sure, not everyone will be scammed nor hunted by hackers, internet predators or frauds, BUT I bet that website WILL atleast warn you up front, so that if anything, you can ATLEAST take certain things into consideration before leaping into something you may not yet be sure you can handle/deal with, persay things were to NOT go as planned.

And the way I see it, LDR's are something I took longgggggg consideration into, BUT still decided not to leap into. I mean it's simple, people know that having the ability to physically see & spend some parts of their relationship TOGETHER IS important, otherwise people in LDR's would never bring up the topic of 1 or both people moving, nor would people ever see the need to occassionally meet/visit the other person. People don't like physically being around people for no reason. I mean they DO actually GET something out of it. No different than sex not being the MAIN importance in a relationship, BUT at the same time being important ENOUGH for some people.

People in LDR's eventually gravitate more towards moving closer to the other person (whether it's for good/bad reasons is a WHOLE 'nother story) b/c even those willing to invest the time/energy/money into LDR's will eventually no longer want their relationship's value to be centered around just words or internet images. There's nothing wrong with a little distance or space apart, but then again I'm assuming the average person's goal isn't to necessarily keep their relationship going through the computer/skype forever either. That's all I'm saying. ALL POWER to the people that can make LDR's work! And hey, I'm the 1st one to say that it's no secret that local relationships have some of the same problems & challenges that LDR's do. It's just that for me, I personally chose NOT to specifically SEEK LDR's from the start. It's not to say that I'll never run into someone online or from a distance that I won't end up admiring; that IS very possible, as it HAS happend before!

krys, contradictions. libra?

there are plenty of people in business, govt and of course, military, who engage in LDRs. what of the wife whose husband does a tour for 12-16 months? and another? in such unions, as in your celeb example, they have far less contact than two civilians in a LDR and yet, for many people it works and for others it fails. the point is, it isn't for everybody but to outright minimize and negate LDRs is insulting. they happen ALL THE TIME!

on one hand, some of you do the "whatever makes you happy" jive while simultaneously negating the unions at every turn. and it's not, "be wary of" negations. it's, "it's not real" and again, i find that insulting.

in every relationship there are challenges. some you choose at the start, others you're forced into due to circumstance. regardless, opting for "i want as easy as possible" can insure you less drama but it can also result in missed opportunity and statistically, celibacy. in fact, i think the "easy as possible" crowd are far more likely to be spinsters. that doesn't mean you need to add LDRs to your list of possibilities but it does make me wonder how frigid and rigid folks are when it comes to dating.

if i took the same approach to interracial dating as many of you have taken to LDRs, i wouldn't date outside my race. why deal with race-based drama if you don't have to? i know going into it that there will be hurdles to climb. i also have an understanding of why some interracial/intercultural unions thrive where others don't. knowing others missteps makes me a wiser dater and increases the longevity of my union. it doesn't mean "STAY AWAY!"

so yes, there are precautions that one must take in LDRs, online dating, hell, dating in general. but "don't give out your address girl" advice...yeah, i sorta knew that one and that's sorta the style of responses i've been getting 😛

also, you mentioned yet again a LDR becoming local. of course it does. that doesn't mean you should've opted for local in the first place. do you think that's a logical argument?

some people may seek LDRs. for others, it may be a casual, "like your profile" or "i'm on vacation but here's my number." simple exchanges can grow into something more even though there was nary an attempt to "seek" the LDR. i don't make a love connection with every guy to whom i bat my eyelashes. shit happens. that's how i believe most LDRs originate not some rare "desperately seeking" scenario folks are alluding to.

@Tubby...I'll make this clear ONE more time. I am NOT (I repeat NOT) knocking anybody who decides to SEEK OR find themselves in Long distance relationships! I simply gave my opinion, which I find it interesting how people always assume that just b/c you disagree with them, that must mean they are knocking something they haven't tried. I gave my opinion & that was it! For you or anyone to say that I am not entitled to state my opinion (whether it's negative or positive) is just as insulting. And it's also just as insulting to say that just b/c someone doesn't "butter up" their words when discussing a subject, that what they're saying is wrong or ignorant/insulting.

I am FULLY aware that relationships in GENERAL are challenging & present certain territories that YES, some of us are ENTITLED to not leap into. It's NOT about taking the "easy way out" b/c I've ALSO clearly stated that local relationships and/or relationships in general as a whole present certain challenges & issues that everyone must face. Telling someone that if they chose not to engage in something or seek something in particular (for their OWN PERSONAL (NOT Tubby's reasons), is almost like saying, people don't have the right to have preferences. Let me guess, would I be insulting you if I chose not to date a drug dealer or someone with a criminal past? I mean seriously, me chosing not to SEEK LDR's is just a preference that I have, no different than someone else making it their PREFERENCE to find love online, vs. finding it locally or at a club/bar. What might work for you might not work for others & it's not to say that 1 is right & the other is wrong..it's just that everyone is different & based on their personalities & circumstances, it's not rocket-science that some people actually DO lean more towards the things they feel they can tolerate/handle.

With the celebrity example that I used, what gives you the impression that I am NOT aware that there are many other forms/kinds of Long Distance relationships? I'm going to sit here & list all the different kinds (military, job promotion, celebrity, etc.) just for the sake of proving to you that I'm not narrow-minded. YEs, I am FULLY aware that LDRs are alot more common than they used to be. My angle on this was geared moreso towards those who purposely seek out relationships that START out long-distance vs. starting off locally just to end up distant for understandable reasons (E.I. job transfer, military, etc.).

It's no different than the person who decides to seek OR take the job that's closer to his home. Is he/she prefering his job to be as close as possible to his home only doing so b/c he wants to take the "easy way out?" Is the student/parent who chooses the school that's closer to her neighborhood trying to take the "Easy way out?" just b/c they preferred not to deal with all that comes with investing in any thing that's too far of a distance? Me preferring not to seek LDR's is no different than a person clicking "NO" on a job application when an employer asks them if they are okay with possibly relocating. Does that mean that the person who says "No" is wrong, or is any less motivated, or willing to give something his all, just b/c he said no? Obviously not. A person clicking "No" isn't necessarily knocking the people that check "Yes" BUT the question is there for a REASON b/c it DOES make a difference, more for some & less for others. Choosing to pick the school closest to you is NOT the same as saying other schools that might be further away are not as good or worthy. It's just that it's simple...people have their own preferences.

Sure, relationships in general bring certain challenges & territories. BUT, when it comes to LRD's there IS a difference between A LDR & one that is NOT long distance. And in for me (B/c I'm not you or anybody else), some of those differences are the reason I choose not to necessarily seek LDRs. Just b/c my opinion doesn't match yours or anyone else's doesn't mean that I'm hating/knocking anything. After all, I've heard the same opinion from others who have been in nothing BUT long distance relationships at one point in their lives...And there's a difference (HUGE DIFFERENCE) b/w someone 1. Not being able to handle something vs. 2. Someone CHOSING not to handle/deal with something. For me, it's not that I can't handle LDR's or that if I were to jump into 1 tomorrow, it wouldn't work. It's just that I simply don't want to..end of story.

And the "race" example you stated is completely different. People choosing to date only another person of the same race is seen moreso out of an "ignorant" preference. After all, choosing not to do so has to do moreso with 1 person judging or automatically/negatively based on the color of their skin and/or stereotyped "personality" vs. preferences with LDR's center moreso about the circumstance of dealing with the distance (vs. th as a whole in general.

krys, i lump you in with the naysayers. where i disagreed/agreed with you specifically i used specific arguments.

you compared dating a drug dealer to dating long distance. you also presume/assume that there are significant number of people who specifically date outside of their locale. it's these two statements, among others, that reveal how skewed and unrealistic your view on the subject is.

i'm not asking you to consider LDRs. in fact, i don't care if you opt for them or you don't. but making sweeping generalizations and not being challenged on it...well, come on. you didn't think you'd get away with that now did ya?

so my race example is completely different but your likening LDRs to dating drug dealers is...oooooooooooooook?

That's why the word "DISTANCE" is included in the words, "Long DISTANCE relationship" b/c the DISTANCE does change things (whether it's for better or for worse is once again, a whole 'nother story) & set a local relationship apart from a LDR apart. There IS a difference between the 2. Whether or not that DISTANCE actually makes/breaks the relationship depends on the individual person.

From my personal experience, there is sometimes a difference b/w 1. A man who met his wife locally, established their foundation locally, just to end up getting a job that transferred him VS. 2. A man seeking a woman online that he's NEVER met before. In this case, the distance was established & became a challenge/difference from the very BEGINNING vs. 2 people that locally established their connection & for circumstances beyond their control had to move/transfer away to a further distance. It's not to say that both kinds of relationships can't work out. Oh both scenarios can. It's just that if I were going to deal with distance in my relationship, I'd PREFER/RATHER deal with my husband going overseas for 2 years after we've been together & local for 3 years vs. me dealing with a man that I've never met (or haven't seen alot) & having to move closer to him. For you or others, there may not be a difference, BUT for me there is.

I have seen many LDR's work out. But me pointing out some of the possibilities why they didn't work out for some who weren't so lucky is not the same as me "knocking" LDR's as a whole. It just depends on the circumstances & the person. If I have a friend who needs contant affection/sex & has low self-esteem, I might NOT recommend her leap into a LDR, for example. But if my friend whose a Dr.'s, who'se always busy & who has dealt with LDR's before asks for my advice, I might actually recommend that he try dating online, etc.

@Tubby...Race (something a person CANNOT change) & life style (Something they CAN change..E.I. drug dealer example) are 2 different things!