Pushed in a corner

A friend of mine is interested in this guy and he seemed interested as well. They didn't date exclusively, but went out a couple of times with other people.
I met him when I was out with them two times.
Now the guy stopped answering my friend's calls and he asked for my number from a third person like two weeks ago.
He called me the other day, but I was busy and didn't pick up the phone and I wasn't sure of the number, I confirmed with my friend so I know it was him (I don't have his number).
Now my friend wanted me to call him to see what he wanted (since he just stopped retuning her calls). I don't feel like calling him cause first of all I'm not interested and I don't want to get in the middle of the situation. Problem is my friend is disappointed in me cause she asked him to call him to call him to know what he wants from me.
I feel it's abit late to call the guy back since it's been some days and I don't really like what he has done. She is my friend. Should I have called him so my friend could have known what he wanted from me? But if he doesn't call my friend back, why should I call him back.
I don't like the situation I've been put in. I also don't like being pushed in a corner and supposed to do something I don't feel like.
What do you think? Am I thinking in a wrong way?

You're being a friend by not calling him back. If he can't call your friend back, he should have the gesture returned by you to not call him back. Your friend sounds a little insecure by asking you to call him back; I don't think it's a good idea to put you or her in a position to only make her more insecure.

This is what I believe, but she doesn't think so. It obvious if he didn't call her back he's not interested in her anymore, but I didn't tell her that.
And I didn't like that he asked for my number from a third person and it's her and I who are friends.
I really hate this situation cause it seems I will be considered the one who did wrong.
I tried to explain to my friend why I don't want to call, but she thinks why not.

Ehh here is what I would say to an insecure friend in this situation... "I'm not calling him back because he wants to cause drama between us. And I always want to be your friend." She can't push you or hold it against you if she sees that you are saying no for her benefit.

bestwoman,

I agree with your decision that it would be unwise for the friendship, and your own self, to go against your values, however . . .

There is something else that I think I would be looking at if I were in your situation, that would probably be more profound than the delimna that you've described. And that is the term, "friendship". I know that I WOULDN"T put a friend in this kind of position BECAUSE she's my friend. Would you do it to her?

This would cause me to re-evluate who exactly IS my friend.

Second, I don't know that I agree with this ladyvie, "I'm not calling him back because he wants to cause drama between us." That doesn't seem to be the case, basing it off of the limited information we have. If he were still calling the original woman, AND, bestwoman, trying to play both sides . . I would tend to agree. But, since he is completely ignoring the first woman, and only called bestwoman ONCE . . I don't see this as playing, as much as, he's probably just interested in dating bestwoman and gave it a shot . . you never know if someone is into unless you approach them.

Seems innocent enough on his part. He stopped seeing her, contacting her and then approached you, bestwoman. He cut off connection with one woman BEFORE trying for the other and that seems respectful, from my perspective.

But, that's just me and how I would view this situation. And, my view would certainly be leaning towards the intentions of my so-called friend, and WHY would she WANT to put me in this situation. To say, "I always want to be your friend", is kind of self-sacrificing and leaves one with little self-esteem, if the truness of this friendship is one-sided in terms of respect.

P-Angel is correct objectively that the guy did nothing wrong except call a friend of a girl he's decided to ignore. The major exception to this though is that in my book he did something MAJORLY wrong and not innocent at all. He was chatting to her friend, getting her friend's hopes up, etc. Her friend was hoping for a relationship with this guy and she probably shoulders some of the blame, BUT this is a question of character. I would never chat it up with one guy about a possible relationship and then turn to his buddy for his number. It's wrong and any guy who would do this has a major character flaw in my book.

But my loyalty is to my friend when it's a true friend and in this situation I would point out his flaw in a way so my insecure friend doesn't feel like I might stab her in the back. She's emotional right now and she's probably paranoid, thinking something is wrong with her, etc. I wouldn't hold her emotional craziness against her really and I would say exactly what I said, "I'm not calling him back because he wants to cause drama between us. And I always want to be your friend."

My friend's emotional well being is important to me.

Agreed 100% about the morals, or lack thereof, of the man. I wan't meaning to say that what he did was right, as much as, trying to convey that he wasn't necessarily attempting to "cause" drama . . there's a difference. He did wrong, but, I don't how he was trying to manipulate the two women to have drama with each other. That was my point. Absolutely agreed, it breaks that "unspoken rule" of dating rules to date the ex of a friend.

I don't, however, get what you mean by: "my loyalty is to my friend when it's a true friend and in this situation I would point out his flaw in a way so my insecure friend doesn't feel like I might stab her in the back."

What does this mean? Are you saying that a "true friend" who, in theory, is suppose to show loyalty, but, in fact, doesn't have to, so long as she doesn't feel like you would stab her in the back?

Loyal to friend - I can see this

True friend - the meaning of this would be in question in my mind

Point out his flaw - wouldn't this make her spiteful? don't people stick with their current emotion if it's in pain? the beaten-wife protects her abusive husband because of her feelings and insecurity

Insecure friend - not sure I comprehend this. It is apparant to me that they WEREN'T dating exclusively, which would suggest that there weren't any deep feelings, so, in this case, why would a "simple" rejection make a person insecure? We get rejected all our lives for numerous things. This wasn't a "heart-felt" relationship . . just interest.

Stab her in the back - Are you saying that my best friend is worried about my integrity within our friendship? Do you feel this way about your friend? That scares me, ladyvie, because the term "true friend" only goes to three people in my life and I can't even imagine that the two terms, "true friend, and, stab in back" would be relative. Death would come before a thought like that would cross my mind.


Please don't think I'm attacking you like most other people in the world do, when I ask these questions . . I'm trying to understand the meaning of this, and it doesn't make sense to me.

I apologize for any confusion on your part. I too have a very short list of true friends and I would never do anything to hurt them.

I meant that simply an insecure person imagines all sorts of things, often untrue. It was probably her insecurity that destroyed any potential relationship, but that's neither here nor there. If this insecure person is my friend then I don't want her imagining any craziness on my end. This might relate back to something that happened to me and an absolutely untrue accusation of man-stealing from the teenage years. I'd rather first point out the flaws of the guy in a way that doesn't say 'stupid girl get over yourself.'

All I'm saying is that the friend is insecure at the moment. She needs a self esteem boost big time. It's easier to help a friend when you point out someone else's flaws first so they don't beat themselves up over the insecurity and 'what might have been' nonsense. Then if she continues on her tirade of 'why didn't he call me' when she's certain that there is no man-stealing nonsense going on then I can say 'get ahold of yourself girl.' I would try to approach this as diplomatically as I could.

And yes you never stab your friend in the back.

His getting her number and the good friend refusing to call the guy can add up to untrue things in her mind when she's insecure. It's better to let her get ahold of herself first.

Oh, I see. Yes, that makes sense now.

However, my mind is very suspicous of human behaviour (my own issues), and I would still re-evaluate the term, frienship.

ARe you saying that it's normal (from your perspective) for two friends to use each other as pawns when in this situation? Is there a social rule that says it's ok for friends to "use" each other's feelings, and dignity, so long as, one of them are emotionally weaker, at the moment. Would you say that that's a condition of friendship?

After further thought, I can see that it is.

Just like, a sibling, or spouse . . there are those conditions.

Thanks, ladyvie.

And good luck, bestwoman, we sure you'll make the right decision, since, your concern as to how to handle the situation is focus on your standards.

It's cool P-Angel... sometimes I have a hard time explaining the details of something. It would take me less than a second to go through the list of 'what is the best thing I can do for my friend' question but it is hard to explain sometimes. And as the aquarius I am, I value all my relationships.

(You do have me wondering what relationship has no conditions on it. Two ships passing in the night types I suppose, but the real connections always have conditions.)

*** pssst . . sometimes I have a hard time understanding details (you did great explaining).


I do have one relationship that is unconditional . . I would do anything for my son, for any reason, and go beyond any means. But, only him, no other.

Wait . . don't quote me, I take that back.

I won't have sex with him . . . ewwwwww, now I have to vomit.

When you get older though, and your son starts having his own personality and life that doesn't include you... we set up conditions to continue the relationships that mutually benefit each other.

And even with your son, you are always trying to balance what's best for him and what's best for you (though when he's younger 'you' simply don't matter as much.)

These are the conditions of a healthy natural relationship.

I know the saying that I love my son unconditionally, but all types of love have conditions that we nurture or alter from the cradle. The trick is all in the balance so your son grows up to be the best he can be and you protect him from all harm without any questioning.

It's a pure love, where we deny conditions to be selfless but point in fact you raise your son to not hit just because he's angry and you condition your response then.

It's really good to hear that you guys think I'm doing the right thing. I started doubting my judgement.
What I didn't like with the guy could have asked for my number from my friend herself. That way she would understand that he wasn't interested in her. But I think it is sneaky that he gets the number from a common acquaintance (who was trying to set them both up in the first place) and then doesn't answers her calls (he could have done out of courtesy), and then call me after two weeks (he could have even waited for some months, not while she's still waiting for his call).
My friend and I are really close and I value her friendship alot. This situation really pissed me him cause I wasn't invloved at all and suddenly I find myself in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. She might not understand, but I think it's also cause she has her emotions involved. I trust she'll get over it. I just hopes she understands my point of view one day.

Wow I've been there quite a few times, it's a nasty situation to be in. I was just talking about this with a friend today. Apparently she heard from someone that I was a "boyfriend thief" ... someone commented on how nice I seem but still took my FRIENDS bf away !! She knew nothing about this because it happened over two years ago! Not only that but it was horribly innacurate because for one, this guy was not my friends boyfriend, two, they barely knew each other, three, I later met him through a male friend who was the one to invite me out with them... That's the least of it, it can really damage a friendship. There was even a time where I felt my friends were turning on me. It got pretty bad.

-Your friend sounds a little desperate asking for you to call him back. What I understood from this is that she thinks that there MIGHT just be a chance that he's calling you about *her* If she at all feels a little resentment towards you, it will be because she thinks you've possibly spoiled her chance with this guy. You know that isn't the case. In your place I would either be very straight-forward and tell her to use some common sense and realize he's not into her ... or ... call him back (with her there) Same purpose.

How do you think my friend is insecure?
What I see clearly is that the guy isn't interested in her enough to get closer. He would have called her if he wanted to get to know her. It's that simple.
My friend is fine with me, I met her a couple of times and I just don't talk to her about it. If he tries to call again and I reply (not sure what I'll do), I'll just tell her the details, but I have decided I won't reply that first call. It's done.
Thanks guys, you make me feel I've done the right thing.