Red Flags

What are some red flags youve noticed that may not look like red flags at the beginning?

When I was younger I only dated men who relentlessly pursued me. I put them through the wringer. Those men ended up being anxiously attached.

Thought I’d switch it up and go after a man *I* had to chase. Lol…that one was avoidant.

They were both hell in completely opposite ways.

Dating needs to be a mutual give and take. Effort imbalance early on is the red flag. Don’t rationalize disappearing acts. No “what happened to my cancer man” posts lol

Posted by PilatesBod
When I was younger I only dated men who relentlessly pursued me. I put them through the wringer. Those men ended up being anxiously attached.

Thought I’d switch it up and go after a man *I* had to chase. Lol…that one was avoidant.

They were both hell in completely opposite ways.

Dating needs to be a mutual give and take. Effort imbalance early on is the red flag. Don’t rationalize disappearing acts. No “what happened to my cancer man” posts lol

😄 taste of your own medicine? 😆

I wanted to ask you this the other day and got busy... did you, and you strike me as the type who may have been this way (and its not a negative so olease.dont take it taht way), often rely heavily on your own independence? I dont mean were just independent and did your own thing, but the thought of being dependent on anyone for anything kinda gave you an uneasy feeling. I mean i think most people dont wnat to feel like a burden, but im talking that next level. You dont need anyone, and I can do it all on my own?

Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

Posted by Soul
Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

These statements sounds confusing and contradicting with each other lol.

Posted by victoria-sakura

Posted by Soul
Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

These statements sounds confusing and contradicting with each other lol.

click to expand

I'll elaborate just to be clear. I'm saying a woman who's only quality is the ability to reproduce is useless for me personally. If she doesn't cook, clean, make money, or at the very least have interesting hobbies I consider that a red flag. I also don't share, so women into making money from lude content is a red flag for me. Not saying they are wrong for doing what they want, they just aren't the type I'd ever be attracted to on a true level. If I'm being too vague still, what part from your perspective is contradicting? You probably aren't wrong knowing my mess of a rant, I'm just curious.

Lovebombing. It may not be malicious but it messes with people's heads.

Posted by Soul

Posted by victoria-sakura

Posted by Soul
Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

These statements sounds confusing and contradicting with each other lol.click to expand

I'll elaborate just to be clear. I'm saying a woman who's only quality is the ability to reproduce is useless for me personally. If she doesn't cook, clean, make money, or at the very least have interesting hobbies I consider that a red flag. I also don't share, so women into making money from lude content is a red flag for me. Not saying they are wrong for doing what they want, they just aren't the type I'd ever be attracted to on a true level. If I'm being too vague still, what part from your perspective is contradicting? You probably aren't wrong knowing my mess of a rant, I'm just curious.

click to expand

You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Or earn money for you?

Red Flag.

Not having a college education.

Low IQ.

Not being well travelled.

Someone who is trying to date out of their tax bracket or social class either up or down. They are either trying to social climb and are naive to thing it will not work against them or they are trying to buy love.



Women risk their lives giving birth.. and men will still ask what do you bring to the table. NEXT that question IS the red flag.

We are the table. We are not what we do for you. Men like that are oppertunistic.

I am not here to please you. Relationships should be effortless.

I am enough as i am or .. you are not looking for me.

People thinking relationships are 50-50 ... they never are. And they cannot be there is movement in balance life isnt fair neither are relationships. People who think relationships should be 50/50 or just or fair have low emotional intelligence and are often manipulative. You can't divide and classify anything.

People who think things are black and white.

People who think relationships are what they can get from someone .. labour etc.

People who dont have charm or sensitivity.

Lack of common sense.

Addictions and mental health issues.

I can find out within 10 minutes whether somebody's worth my time or not.

Whether it be platonic or romantic. General vibes.

Nothing is a red flag within the first 10 minutes. After 10 minutes however, everything is fair game to reject that person.

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Soul

Posted by victoria-sakura

Posted by Soul
Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

These statements sounds confusing and contradicting with each other lol.click to expand

I'll elaborate just to be clear. I'm saying a woman who's only quality is the ability to reproduce is useless for me personally. If she doesn't cook, clean, make money, or at the very least have interesting hobbies I consider that a red flag. I also don't share, so women into making money from lude content is a red flag for me. Not saying they are wrong for doing what they want, they just aren't the type I'd ever be attracted to on a true level. If I'm being too vague still, what part from your perspective is contradicting? You probably aren't wrong knowing my mess of a rant, I'm just curious.click to expand

You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Or earn money for you?

Red Flag.

click to expand

I call a red flag to your red flag. You assume I "want" a woman to cook and clean for me. I "want" a woman to have an actual skill other then providing sex. I'm perfectly fine cooking and cleaning myself tbh. You get all these women who have a novel of a list of what they want their man to be. I'm literally saying do something other then reproduce, or temp men with lust. That's all it takes to please me. Im also not throwing shade towards dxpnet women. I don't even know any of you personally. This is all my personal opinion, from my own personal perspective.

This is why women will get replaced with AI and robots. You just assume, and throw context right out the window.

Posted by Soul

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Soul

Posted by victoria-sakura

Posted by Soul
Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

These statements sounds confusing and contradicting with each other lol.click to expand

I'll elaborate just to be clear. I'm saying a woman who's only quality is the ability to reproduce is useless for me personally. If she doesn't cook, clean, make money, or at the very least have interesting hobbies I consider that a red flag. I also don't share, so women into making money from lude content is a red flag for me. Not saying they are wrong for doing what they want, they just aren't the type I'd ever be attracted to on a true level. If I'm being too vague still, what part from your perspective is contradicting? You probably aren't wrong knowing my mess of a rant, I'm just curious.click to expand

You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Or earn money for you?

Red Flag.click to expand

This is why women will get replaced with AI and robots. .

click to expand

Yeah GIANT red flag. If you want to replace women with AI or can have a relationship with AI.

I think you need to rephrase this .. into only robots will date me.

Posted by Textosmoon
Not having a college education.

Low IQ.

Not being well travelled.

Someone who is trying to date out of their tax bracket or social class either up or down. They are either trying to social climb and are naive to thing it will not work against them or they are trying to buy love.

Women risk their lives giving birth.. and men will still ask what do you bring to the table. NEXT that question IS the red flag.

We are the table. We are not what we do for you. Men like that are oppertunistic.

I am not here to please you. Relationships should be effortless.

I am enough as i am or .. you are not looking for me.

People thinking relationships are 50-50 ... they never are. And they cannot be there is movement in balance life isnt fair neither are relationships. People who think relationships should be 50/50 or just or fair have low emotional intelligence and are often manipulative. You can't divide and classify anything.

People who think things are black and white.

People who think relationships are what they can get from someone .. labour etc.

People who dont have charm or sensitivity.

Lack of common sense.

Addictions and mental health issues.

I fit into a few your red flag categories then 😭

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Soul

Posted by Textosmoon

Posted by Soul

Posted by victoria-sakura

Posted by Soul
Super nice. I don't mean generally kind, shy, or quiet either. Like the type of person who is too nice. Also overly dressed or maintained. Personally I like a human, not something pretending to be perfection. Like people with normal human flaws. Super nice people tend to be the worst behind the scenes, and perpetual liars.

Also I'm just going to be real. Any woman who's only use in life is to have sex and reproduce. Throw those who only make lude content into this category. I find them to be completely useless, and those type of women tend to set ridiculous standards like they think they actually deserve a decent man. I dont really blame them either. Go to any dating group and you will see good looking healthy man with 0 likes, and an average looking overweight woman getting 200+. The world is full of horny simp men. Ones who are willing to pay money thinking they are talking to a woman that is using enough makeup and photo filters to hide the fact she is just average. Meanwhile those men dont realize they are talking to her AI model while she sips her Starbucks and scrolls social media searching for more simps to pay her bills. Pretty smart actually.

I'll put it this way, if you don't cook, don't clean, don't make money, or at the very least, aren't skillful in any interesting hobbies what is your actual purpose? Because just being useful for sex or lude content is not only degrading, but not enough imo. Though my opinion doesn't really matter. There are more then enough beta cucks willing to simp those type of women.

These statements sounds confusing and contradicting with each other lol.click to expand

I'll elaborate just to be clear. I'm saying a woman who's only quality is the ability to reproduce is useless for me personally. If she doesn't cook, clean, make money, or at the very least have interesting hobbies I consider that a red flag. I also don't share, so women into making money from lude content is a red flag for me. Not saying they are wrong for doing what they want, they just aren't the type I'd ever be attracted to on a true level. If I'm being too vague still, what part from your perspective is contradicting? You probably aren't wrong knowing my mess of a rant, I'm just curious.click to expand

You want a woman to cook and clean for you? Or earn money for you?

Red Flag.click to expand

This is why women will get replaced with AI and robots. .click to expand

Yeah GIANT red flag. If you want to replace women with AI or can have a relationship with AI.

I think you need to rephrase this .. into only robots will date me.

click to expand

No need. You did it for me, which is no suprise. Again you are assuming my wants 😆

I would like you to quote where I said "want" in regards of women being replaced by AI in my post. Go ahead, go and find it please.

When they complain about how other people are treating them and at first you sympathise but after you get to know them better you start to perfectly understand why it happens 😆

When their handwriting is large

Posted by MidAtBest
When their handwriting is large

Mine is absolute ass. I tend to put random uppercase letters everywhere too. I'm also left handed, so if its pencil its likely smudged to hell and back.

Words and actions not matching up.

Here's one ive overlooked, even admired, and others do as well... but its usually a sign. Ive debated about posting it because it can misinterpreted by some people. Ive recently experienced this from someone else, and im guilty of it towards others as well. Looking back and going down a huge rabbit hole all says the same... hyper- independence and overly expressing themselves as being independent. Now, to clarify. Im not saying someone who is naturally independent. Naturally independent people dont typically express how independent they are - its not being used as a mask to display independence to the world - they just do things and ARE independent. (Like nice people, they dont typically tell people how nice they are, theyre just nice and you see it in their actions) Goes back to the whole "Words VS Actions" thing..

A person hyper-vigilant about their own independence are telling you without telling you they're wounded. They have trust issues. They dont need you. They've been abandoned in some way and learned to take care of themselves. Theyre likely going to keep you at arms length because theyve been hurt and just leaned to be self-sufficient. On the surface this all seems fine, admirable even, and for the first part of the relationship youll appreciate how they dont push, they aren't needy, it feels stable. The problem is a stable relationship is built on interdependence, not codependency or independence, but a balance between the 2, so communication is going to be terrible unless you know what youre dealing with, and they're probably going to be less likely to work on things, or fight for the relationship, theyre probably less open and more secretive, theyre likely going to be less social, intimacy is going to be weird for them. Theyre even more likely to sabotage a good thing as the relationship becomes more stable and they feel like their independence is slipping away, or expectations are being put on them, or if tehy just dont feel capable of going any deeper or take the next step. Their fear is to be dependent on anyone but themselves. As you feel like youre becoming more satble they feel less stable. This is the classic underlying issue with a dismissive avoidant. Its not a character flaw, its not a personality disorder, this is a learned behavior that could have developed during childhood or from their past relationship, and can be overcome, it just takes time. But it IS A HUGE RED FLAG. Just know going in that that independence is masking a lot of other, deep issues that made them this way, and they're telling you up front what youre in for, and make educated choices. These people are usually really good people.



People are like pearls - it all starts with an irritation that the mussel processes and processes, over and over again, adding a new layer in an attempt to soothe the irritation..

Posted by Wizardzzz
When they complain about how other people are treating them and at first you sympathise but after you get to know them better you start to perfectly understand why it happens 😆

Cancer energy can be the famous offender here

Who else do you think? Pisces undoubtedly. Aries ime, virgo men sometimes maybe

When finding out you just dated an Aries after the fact and the next day you go "what the hell did I just did last night🤔"

I'm pretty sure I have dated Aries women before sometimes in my life ive dated women of all signs but I just wasn't into astrology back then in my young days I just wanted to bang em. But I'm sure that would be a red flag now.

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by PilatesBod
When I was younger I only dated men who relentlessly pursued me. I put them through the wringer. Those men ended up being anxiously attached.

Thought I’d switch it up and go after a man *I* had to chase. Lol…that one was avoidant.

They were both hell in completely opposite ways.

Dating needs to be a mutual give and take. Effort imbalance early on is the red flag. Don’t rationalize disappearing acts. No “what happened to my cancer man” posts lol

😄 taste of your own medicine? 😆

I wanted to ask you this the other day and got busy... did you, and you strike me as the type who may have been this way (and its not a negative so olease.dont take it taht way), often rely heavily on your own independence? I dont mean were just independent and did your own thing, but the thought of being dependent on anyone for anything kinda gave you an uneasy feeling. I mean i think most people dont wnat to feel like a burden, but im talking that next level. You dont need anyone, and I can do it all on my own?

click to expand

I just read your description below and I don’t think that fits me. It is in my nature to be independent but I’m totally fine relying on a partner who is competent and reliable. I wouldn’t feel comfortable relaxing if someone is not competent or consistent though. My bf handles all of the bills. He pays for everything I want. I wouldn’t just trust anyone to do that. Not everyone is financially responsible. As I’m sure he wouldn’t just trust any woman who could spend all of his money frivolously. Im dependent on him but Im not trapped. I have my own money. I guess I don’t broadcast this because it’s not something I would encourage unless a woman has safeguards in place.

I haven’t had coffee…trying to figure out what I’m trying to say. I’m okay with dependence. I’m not okay with reliance.

I enjoyed reading your thoughts though.

Posted by PilatesBod

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by PilatesBod
When I was younger I only dated men who relentlessly pursued me. I put them through the wringer. Those men ended up being anxiously attached.

Thought I’d switch it up and go after a man *I* had to chase. Lol…that one was avoidant.

They were both hell in completely opposite ways.

Dating needs to be a mutual give and take. Effort imbalance early on is the red flag. Don’t rationalize disappearing acts. No “what happened to my cancer man” posts lol

😄 taste of your own medicine? 😆

I wanted to ask you this the other day and got busy... did you, and you strike me as the type who may have been this way (and its not a negative so olease.dont take it taht way), often rely heavily on your own independence? I dont mean were just independent and did your own thing, but the thought of being dependent on anyone for anything kinda gave you an uneasy feeling. I mean i think most people dont wnat to feel like a burden, but im talking that next level. You dont need anyone, and I can do it all on my own?click to expand

I just read your description below and I don’t think that fits me. It is in my nature to be independent but I’m totally fine relying on a partner who is competent and reliable. I wouldn’t feel comfortable relaxing if someone is not competent or consistent though. My bf handles all of the bills. He pays for everything I want. I wouldn’t just trust anyone to do that. Not everyone is financially responsible. As I’m sure he wouldn’t just trust any woman who could spend all of his money frivolously. Im dependent on him but Im not trapped. I have my own money. I guess I don’t broadcast this because it’s not something I would encourage unless a woman has safeguards in place.

I haven’t had coffee…trying to figure out what I’m trying to say. I’m okay with dependence. I’m not okay with reliance.

I enjoyed reading your thoughts though.

click to expand

After I asked that, and one of the reasons I clarified the natural independent vs hyper-independent is I couldnt recall you ever really saying anything about "youre a strong independent woman, you dont need no man" kinda stuff. I was just curious. Mainly because you come across as very strong independent woman.. but without broadcasting it.

More on this:

Aggressive, angry, and controlling men show signs of their controlling abusive ways early as long as you are paying attention.

An imbalance of efforts shown early in the game. If you are putting all the effort in, pull back and if the ship sinks, you were the only one who actually gave a fuck.

"It is what it is" or "if its meant to be it will be" such a passive, avoidant bunch of shit. Its absolving ones self of responsibility, of problem solving, conflict resolution.. it says "i let things happen to me and not actively make things happen in my life", "I dont want to fight for what I want". Its a way to remain emotionally detached from any outcomes so you dont feel disappointed if it doesn't happen, but you just seem uninterested.. could you imagine going to a job interview for the job youve always dreamed of and ba like "well, I guess if its meant to be, it will be".. thats retarded. Stupid ass self-protective bullshit let's you say "I guess it just wasnt in the cards for me" when you didnt even really try. Just a victim of the universe.

Im not saying we can control every outcome we want, thats not what im saying. Im saying this nonchalant mantra bullshit is fucking cope. Say what you want with your chest. Sack up, throw your nuts in the table and let it be known what you want. That passive shit always backfires. If you put out in the universe what you want, youll get help.. even if its just rewiring your own brain. But these people know this... thats why they dont.. they were just innocent bystanders in their own life.

Now Venmo me $ 5 for helping you avoid someone who wont be held accountable for shit.

Posted by SadHatter
Here's one ive overlooked, even admired, and others do as well... but its usually a sign. Ive debated about posting it because it can misinterpreted by some people. Ive recently experienced this from someone else, and im guilty of it towards others as well. Looking back and going down a huge rabbit hole all says the same... hyper- independence and overly expressing themselves as being independent. Now, to clarify. Im not saying someone who is naturally independent. Naturally independent people dont typically express how independent they are - its not being used as a mask to display independence to the world - they just do things and ARE independent. (Like nice people, they dont typically tell people how nice they are, theyre just nice and you see it in their actions) Goes back to the whole "Words VS Actions" thing..

A person hyper-vigilant about their own independence are telling you without telling you they're wounded. They have trust issues. They dont need you. They've been abandoned in some way and learned to take care of themselves. Theyre likely going to keep you at arms length because theyve been hurt and just leaned to be self-sufficient. On the surface this all seems fine, admirable even, and for the first part of the relationship youll appreciate how they dont push, they aren't needy, it feels stable. The problem is a stable relationship is built on interdependence, not codependency or independence, but a balance between the 2, so communication is going to be terrible unless you know what youre dealing with, and they're probably going to be less likely to work on things, or fight for the relationship, theyre probably less open and more secretive, theyre likely going to be less social, intimacy is going to be weird for them. Theyre even more likely to sabotage a good thing as the relationship becomes more stable and they feel like their independence is slipping away, or expectations are being put on them, or if tehy just dont feel capable of going any deeper or take the next step. Their fear is to be dependent on anyone but themselves. As you feel like youre becoming more satble they feel less stable. This is the classic underlying issue with a dismissive avoidant. Its not a character flaw, its not a personality disorder, this is a learned behavior that could have developed during childhood or from their past relationship, and can be overcome, it just takes time. But it IS A HUGE RED FLAG. Just know going in that that independence is masking a lot of other, deep issues that made them this way, and they're telling you up front what youre in for, and make educated choices. These people are usually really good people.

People are like pearls - it all starts with an irritation that the mussel processes and processes, over and over again, adding a new layer in an attempt to soothe the irritation..

Sadly, that’s me. It’s learned behaviour/conditioning and stems from years of fending for yourself or living in survival mode. It’s so hard to overcome years of conditioning and I try to work at it.

Although I will say that my self-reliance is never failed or disappointed me 😅. It’s a red flag if a person is unaware of this and therefore, they aren’t mindful of their antics or how they are conducting themselves in a relationship.

Some of my red flags:

1. Humble bragging or just bragging. First of all, it’s off-putting and if you have to sell yourself by telling others how desirable you are because “x number of people have the hots for you”, that usually means you’re not that desirable. People who have substance to them usually don’t explicitly state what it is they have. For example, if a person is decent and honest, they won’t be stating the obvious like, “my friends always say I’m too honest.”

2. Effort imbalance as someone mentioned above. The effort has to be mutual from the outset or else expect a rollercoaster. I learnt this through experience. Men/women who chase are needy, clingy and controlling. Men/women who avoid contact at the the beginning have entitlement issues.



3. Insecurities. I just can’t stand insecure folks, not as friends and certainly not as lovers. To me insecurity is a disease where it activates all things ugly in a person - jealousy, unhealthy competition, envy, greed, unhappiness, lack of gratitude. Insecure people can’t make amends with reality or things as they are. Insecure people are damaged and you can’t help them. No amount of validation is going to help them and their typical self-loathing for themselves will drown the other person who actually stays with such a person. Absolute no!

Posted by aquarius09
Some of my red flags:

1. Humble bragging or just bragging. First of all, it’s off-putting and if you have to sell yourself by telling others how desirable you are because “x number of people have the hots for you”, that usually means you’re not that desirable. People who have substance to them usually don’t explicitly state what it is they have. For example, if a person is decent and honest, they won’t be stating the obvious like, “my friends always say I’m too honest.”

2. Effort imbalance as someone mentioned above. The effort has to be mutual from the outset or else expect a rollercoaster. I learnt this through experience. Men/women who chase are needy, clingy and controlling. Men/women who avoid contact at the the beginning have entitlement issues.

3. Insecurities. I just can’t stand insecure folks, not as friends and certainly not as lovers. To me insecurity is a disease where it activates all things ugly in a person - jealousy, unhealthy competition, envy, greed, unhappiness, lack of gratitude. Insecure people can’t make amends with reality or things as they are. Insecure people are damaged and you can’t help them. No amount of validation is going to help them and their typical self-loathing for themselves will drown the other person who actually stays with such a person. Absolute no!

I think theres some nuance to be had with the insecurities part. I think there are different layers to insecurities and some are actually good. Dont throw the baby out with the bath water. Insecurities are what typically motivate people to do better, grow as people, and smjust make better decisions. As a former athlete and someone formerly in a career that was one of the most competitive to get when I went in (things have changed since then, apparently), and it really did bring the best out of people if they wanted to win. Many of these people would develop grit and determination from these Insecurities, both of which are positive traits.



Its when they cripple you and stifle growth that they become a problem IMO. Or my biggest issues, is when they project them onto you. Especially relationship Insecurities. Theres nothing that annoys me more than someone thinking im going to cheat because they they got cheated on.. I get the insecurity around that, i 100% do, but thats not me, and what i interpret that as are character swipes at me on some shit I didnt do. Im suffering for some shit an ex did. And youre right, if they aren't willing to let go of the fear, you cant help. No amount of proving yourself will ever change them. You'll never be able to show them everything they've projected onto you is all bullshit. Its just a safety blanket you carry around.

Going back to your post though: I get told (not bragging here lol) that I come off super confident IRL. Ive never understood that though. I live in my head, and if they could see whats playing in my head constantly they'd see my brain processing shit and know a lot of my decision making factors in my own insecurity. Is it me getting in my own way. Many times the answer is yes. Ok, what are you scared of? OK, thats blocking you from getting from point A to point B, so what do we do about that? I cant control anything but myself. Courage isnt just blindly running into a burning building, courage is being terrified and doing it anyway. The first time i ever had a call to a structure fire i sucked down an air bottle in less than 5 minutes. Theyre meant to last 15-20 i started to hold myself back because i was burden to my partner who could manage his breathing under stress. It was a major insecurity l developed. I thought about quitting. Instead i started doing my workouts more intensely while listeneing to soothing music, and that worked. But the self-doubt, the insecurities, all of that rolls through my brain at every major decision. Ive learned to spot that in other people just by watching their eyes. You can see by a person's eyes when they're present and in the moment vs when they've went into their own head.. their eyes get wider, the deer in a headlight look, which is a fear response. VS when they're zoned in and in the moment, peoples eyes naturally get smaller almost to a squint.

I think some insecurities once overcame become a major source of empathy and confidence. But you gotta do the work. You gotta dig deep.

Posted by aquarius09
Some of my red flags:

1. Humble bragging or just bragging. First of all, it’s off-putting and if you have to sell yourself by telling others how desirable you are because “x number of people have the hots for you”, that usually means you’re not that desirable. People who have substance to them usually don’t explicitly state what it is they have. For example, if a person is decent and honest, they won’t be stating the obvious like, “my friends always say I’m too honest.”

2. Effort imbalance as someone mentioned above. The effort has to be mutual from the outset or else expect a rollercoaster. I learnt this through experience. Men/women who chase are needy, clingy and controlling. Men/women who avoid contact at the the beginning have entitlement issues.

3. Insecurities. I just can’t stand insecure folks, not as friends and certainly not as lovers. To me insecurity is a disease where it activates all things ugly in a person - jealousy, unhealthy competition, envy, greed, unhappiness, lack of gratitude. Insecure people can’t make amends with reality or things as they are. Insecure people are damaged and you can’t help them. No amount of validation is going to help them and their typical self-loathing for themselves will drown the other person who actually stays with such a person. Absolute no!

I feel that a lot of people think quiet people is off putting. That's all I got to say.

Posted by SadHatter

Posted by aquarius09
Some of my red flags:

1. Humble bragging or just bragging. First of all, it’s off-putting and if you have to sell yourself by telling others how desirable you are because “x number of people have the hots for you”, that usually means you’re not that desirable. People who have substance to them usually don’t explicitly state what it is they have. For example, if a person is decent and honest, they won’t be stating the obvious like, “my friends always say I’m too honest.”

2. Effort imbalance as someone mentioned above. The effort has to be mutual from the outset or else expect a rollercoaster. I learnt this through experience. Men/women who chase are needy, clingy and controlling. Men/women who avoid contact at the the beginning have entitlement issues.

3. Insecurities. I just can’t stand insecure folks, not as friends and certainly not as lovers. To me insecurity is a disease where it activates all things ugly in a person - jealousy, unhealthy competition, envy, greed, unhappiness, lack of gratitude. Insecure people can’t make amends with reality or things as they are. Insecure people are damaged and you can’t help them. No amount of validation is going to help them and their typical self-loathing for themselves will drown the other person who actually stays with such a person. Absolute no!

I think theres some nuance to be had with the insecurities part. I think there are different layers to insecurities and some are actually good. Dont throw the baby out with the bath water. Insecurities are what typically motivate people to do better, grow as people, and smjust make better decisions. As a former athlete and someone formerly in a career that was one of the most competitive to get when I went in (things have changed since then, apparently), and it really did bring the best out of people if they wanted to win. Many of these people would develop grit and determination from these Insecurities, both of which are positive traits.

Its when they cripple you and stifle growth that they become a problem IMO. Or my biggest issues, is when they project them onto you. Especially relationship Insecurities. Theres nothing that annoys me more than someone thinking im going to cheat because they they got cheated on.. I get the insecurity around that, i 100% do, but thats not me, and what i interpret that as are character swipes at me on some shit I didnt do. Im suffering for some shit an ex did. And youre right, if they aren't willing to let go of the fear, you cant help. No amount of proving yourself will ever change them. You'll never be able to show them everything they've projected onto you is all bullshit. Its just a safety blanket you carry around.

Going back to your post though: I get told (not bragging here lol) that I come off super confident IRL. Ive never understood that though. I live in my head, and if they could see whats playing in my head constantly they'd see my brain processing shit and know a lot of my decision making factors in my own insecurity. Is it me getting in my own way. Many times the answer is yes. Ok, what are you scared of? OK, thats blocking you from getting from point A to point B, so what do we do about that? I cant control anything but myself. Courage isnt just blindly running into a burning building, courage is being terrified and doing it anyway. The first time i ever had a call to a structure fire i sucked down an air bottle in less than 5 minutes. Theyre meant to last 15-20 i started to hold myself back because i was burden to my partner who could manage his breathing under stress. It was a major insecurity l developed. I thought about quitting. Instead i started doing my workouts more intensely while listeneing to soothing music, and that worked. But the self-doubt, the insecurities, all of that rolls through my brain at every major decision. Ive learned to spot that in other people just by watching their eyes. You can see by a person's eyes when they're present and in the moment vs when they've went into their own head.. their eyes get wider, the deer in a headlight look, which is a fear response. VS when they're zoned in and in the moment, peoples eyes naturally get smaller almost to a squint.

I think some insecurities once overcame become a major source of empathy and confidence. But you gotta do the work. You gotta dig deep.

click to expand

The thing is that insecurities are usually projected. Not many are able to keep control over themselves. It shows in snarky comments, in competitive streaks in a negative way. This is why I said unhealthy competition in my original post. There is healthy competition where you aren’t harbouring resentment for the person competing with. I just don’t jive with insecure folks. Too many problems to deal with. With insecure people you can’t even freely discuss your wins because they get sad while they front that they’re happy for you. It shows in subtle ways like if they don’t have a poker face or trying to steal the spotlight from you.

Every single man that has ever changed his answer to fit me and be what I want to hear...has ended up letting things go, no working on things just avoidant sloppy and unmotivated..