krysrenee7
@krysrenee7
17 Years5,000+ Posts
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Things I've learned about relationships
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4..continued...Of course the goal is to hope to be with that special person forever & ever, BUT understand that YOU change throughout your life too just like others do. And when we change with age/experience/circumstances, so do our standards, expectations & means of attraction. What might've been appealing to you at 21 might look as "sexy" when you're 35.
5. There is a certain amount of risks EVERYONE will have to take if they want to experience the ultimate love. There is NO such a thing as real love with too much caution/fear. No matter how much you've been hurt, understand that the rules of love don't change just b/c you can't bring yourself to trust another person again. You're NOT exempt from the notion that without trust, there is no love. So stop trying to cheat love & skirt around fully trusting the other person. Without full comfortability & trust, you do not have love. Yes, we get it, trusting someone can be nerve-wrecking, leave us paranoid & leave us at a very vulnerable state, BUT like with anything else in life, if you REALLY want it bad enough, you'll do what you've got to do get AND maintain it.
6. There's NO point in holding a grudge over past relationships/partners. The point of heartbreak & mistakes is to learn from them. If anything, THANK any of the people who have ever hurt you; thank them for giving you more wisdom & for making you more STRONGER; that means the next person/OR person who really IS right for you will get the chance to meet the STRONGER version of you. Always THANKS the sources of your strength, even if it took some F'd up situations to give your emotions muscles. If you can't move on and/or forgive, you were better off staying with that person from the past. After all, if you're going to continue giving them power over your emotions/future decisions with others, you were better off staying with them, & leaving all the rest of us (who haven't hurt you) to go find others who WON'T make us pay for the sins of someone else.
5. There is a certain amount of risks EVERYONE will have to take if they want to experience the ultimate love. There is NO such a thing as real love with too much caution/fear. No matter how much you've been hurt, understand that the rules of love don't change just b/c you can't bring yourself to trust another person again. You're NOT exempt from the notion that without trust, there is no love. So stop trying to cheat love & skirt around fully trusting the other person. Without full comfortability & trust, you do not have love. Yes, we get it, trusting someone can be nerve-wrecking, leave us paranoid & leave us at a very vulnerable state, BUT like with anything else in life, if you REALLY want it bad enough, you'll do what you've got to do get AND maintain it.
6. There's NO point in holding a grudge over past relationships/partners. The point of heartbreak & mistakes is to learn from them. If anything, THANK any of the people who have ever hurt you; thank them for giving you more wisdom & for making you more STRONGER; that means the next person/OR person who really IS right for you will get the chance to meet the STRONGER version of you. Always THANKS the sources of your strength, even if it took some F'd up situations to give your emotions muscles. If you can't move on and/or forgive, you were better off staying with that person from the past. After all, if you're going to continue giving them power over your emotions/future decisions with others, you were better off staying with them, & leaving all the rest of us (who haven't hurt you) to go find others who WON'T make us pay for the sins of someone else.
7. PAST BEHAVIOR IS A GOOD INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR. No, I'm not insinuating that people can't change; yes they can change. BUT don't be so quick to ignore the facts of someone's past. Don't hold their past over their heads either, BUT before you jump into a relationship with someone, take into account whether or not their current actions/circumstances suggest that they've changed their ways. It's not always about what someone is saying or is doing. Sometimes it's what they WON'T do or say that paints the better picture of whether or not they've learned from past misakes & changed. You have to "see it before you believe it," After all, your heart & time (you'll NEVER get back) is at stake!
8. Most people would rob a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught. They KEY though to that is that they'd rob a bank IF they knew they'd still get all the money (or benefits) w/o the personal accountability/consequences attached to it. Yes, I'm talking about FWB. If you're getting the sense that someone is hesitating to take a friendship to relationship status, then STOP playing house or doing all of the things that only people in relationships would do. Friends don't cuddle, sleep with eachother, spend all their time together, or act like they're in a relationship with eachother. For those of you that disagree, I'm sure that's why you're STILL only just the "friend." Don't act like you're in a relationship unless you're actually in 1.
9. Don't be so arrogant in assuming that your true colors won't eventually come out just b/c you're good at masking your flaws/short comings early on. I'm not saying you should come out screaming, "I'm crazy, possessive, controlling & clingy!" No, but be fair & make sure the other person truly knows what/who they're getting themselves into. You're NOT doing them or yourself any favors by trying to hide who you truly are, even if you feel being honest will scare most people away. TRUST ME, if you hide ALL of who you are, they'll be more likely to quickly leave your azs once they see those true colors coming out. People love only GOOD surprises, not bad. Be confident & only strive for the people who can accept your flaws/backage (especially since you know they have some of their own).
8. Most people would rob a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught. They KEY though to that is that they'd rob a bank IF they knew they'd still get all the money (or benefits) w/o the personal accountability/consequences attached to it. Yes, I'm talking about FWB. If you're getting the sense that someone is hesitating to take a friendship to relationship status, then STOP playing house or doing all of the things that only people in relationships would do. Friends don't cuddle, sleep with eachother, spend all their time together, or act like they're in a relationship with eachother. For those of you that disagree, I'm sure that's why you're STILL only just the "friend." Don't act like you're in a relationship unless you're actually in 1.
9. Don't be so arrogant in assuming that your true colors won't eventually come out just b/c you're good at masking your flaws/short comings early on. I'm not saying you should come out screaming, "I'm crazy, possessive, controlling & clingy!" No, but be fair & make sure the other person truly knows what/who they're getting themselves into. You're NOT doing them or yourself any favors by trying to hide who you truly are, even if you feel being honest will scare most people away. TRUST ME, if you hide ALL of who you are, they'll be more likely to quickly leave your azs once they see those true colors coming out. People love only GOOD surprises, not bad. Be confident & only strive for the people who can accept your flaws/backage (especially since you know they have some of their own).
10. Whoever said, "Time heals all wounds" was bullshxting you! No, it's what you DO with that time that CAN heal all wounds. There's no such a thing as "If it's meant to be, it'll be." There's no imaginary fairy that will come down from the sky & make everything alright. You have to fix whatever was lacking in your friendship/relationship to begin with & if it's fixed, THEN things will be. Stop convincing yourself that issues will magically work themselves out without any effort from you or your partner.
11. The greatest TRICK men play on women is in them pretending not to like women with standards and/or with a backbone. They pretend to not like strength b/c it helps them to easily weed out the women from the girls. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what you want & expect. Your standards should be non-negotiable. Trust me, most men are used to women tweaking their standards for them, so they'll be quite happy to meet a woman who actually stands her ground with confidence, for once. Men like backbones, even if that means him losing out on her. You TEACH people how to TREAT you. If you're being treated like a queen/king, thank your backbone. If you're being treated like crap, thank your LACK of one.
12. Keep people out of your business. Don't go running to your family and/or girlfriends every time your man pisses you off. It's ok to seek advice sometimes, BUT try to wait for the big blow outs (where you feel you're at the point of no return, in the moment) to go to others. When you bring outsiders into your relationship, you're giving them the power & free-will to take control over your relationship. And we all know that people are NOT as delicate & careful with other's things/possessions the way they are with their own! If you let your whole family & friends into your relationship, don't be somewhere looking surprised when all 200 of their "2 cents" makes things worse/end. And if you're going to get advice from outsiders, don't repeat that advice to your partner
11. The greatest TRICK men play on women is in them pretending not to like women with standards and/or with a backbone. They pretend to not like strength b/c it helps them to easily weed out the women from the girls. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what you want & expect. Your standards should be non-negotiable. Trust me, most men are used to women tweaking their standards for them, so they'll be quite happy to meet a woman who actually stands her ground with confidence, for once. Men like backbones, even if that means him losing out on her. You TEACH people how to TREAT you. If you're being treated like a queen/king, thank your backbone. If you're being treated like crap, thank your LACK of one.
12. Keep people out of your business. Don't go running to your family and/or girlfriends every time your man pisses you off. It's ok to seek advice sometimes, BUT try to wait for the big blow outs (where you feel you're at the point of no return, in the moment) to go to others. When you bring outsiders into your relationship, you're giving them the power & free-will to take control over your relationship. And we all know that people are NOT as delicate & careful with other's things/possessions the way they are with their own! If you let your whole family & friends into your relationship, don't be somewhere looking surprised when all 200 of their "2 cents" makes things worse/end. And if you're going to get advice from outsiders, don't repeat that advice to your partner
13. It's ok to want/expect for your partner to keep fit, or to maintain a certain image. BUT if you're traditional & like the ideal of staying with someone for the rest of your life, understand that things will change (especially physically). If you can't even accept 1 extra/added stretch mark or grey hair now, how on EARTH are you going to make it with your partner when you both start to get much older?! Try to get into the mindset of being content with just 1 person for a long period of time (hopefully forever). If you can't stop playing the field now, it shows that you don't have the ability to focus on 1 person at a time. We all want variety but being in relationships isn't about the "I" it's about the "WE." If you'd want your partner to still love/support you 10 years later persay you get 10 grey hairs, break a bone, lose a limb, gain a little weight, lose your job, etc. be ready to be just as down for them if the tables were turned. If not, you're not really looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. You're looking for Mr. or Ms. right NOW & there IS a difference.
14. If you're a commitment phobe, that's fine, BUT don't put yourself in the dating pool alongside with 1 million other people who actually ARE ready for commitment. If you're not over your ex yet, that's fine BUT continue your harping & grudge holding by YOURSELF. You wouldn't want someone who hasn't healed from the past, so don't be arrogant in assuming that someone else would want that either. If you want to screw everything that walks, that's fine, BUT be a whxre BEFORE you enter into a relationship. Don't be "conveinant" & conveinantly discover that you still want to "explore" at your partner's expense. You have the right to want whatever it is you want, shallow or not. Just make sure that you're surrounding yourself around crowds & in environments that suit your desires. In other words, if you really just want to get laid, don't join a dating site where local singles are looking for real love.
14. If you're a commitment phobe, that's fine, BUT don't put yourself in the dating pool alongside with 1 million other people who actually ARE ready for commitment. If you're not over your ex yet, that's fine BUT continue your harping & grudge holding by YOURSELF. You wouldn't want someone who hasn't healed from the past, so don't be arrogant in assuming that someone else would want that either. If you want to screw everything that walks, that's fine, BUT be a whxre BEFORE you enter into a relationship. Don't be "conveinant" & conveinantly discover that you still want to "explore" at your partner's expense. You have the right to want whatever it is you want, shallow or not. Just make sure that you're surrounding yourself around crowds & in environments that suit your desires. In other words, if you really just want to get laid, don't join a dating site where local singles are looking for real love.
15. Have your deal breakers (non-negotiable) & the pet peeves (things you can get over/shrug off IF that person is right for you). If you continually tweak your deal breakers, you're naturally going to start attracting to you the people who represent those deal breakers. And if you continually "settle," resentment of self & a waste of precious time is about the ONLY 2 things that usually come from those kinds of relationships.
-Some mishaps we can blaim on simply "Being human," while others we can't. Some things are NOT ok. And if someone does the ultimate wrongdoing to you, let them know the FIRST time that what they've done is NOT acceptable. Trust me, they are watching your response & if they ever intended on hurting you again, you not standing up for yourself just gave them the go-ahead for them to betray you again (robbing a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught)
16. Trust your gut/intuition. It's ok to want all the facts before making a big decision, BUT understand that sometimes getting ahold of those facts or "seeing it for yourself in person" doesn't usually happen, which is where our intuition comes in. Stop believing that life is so conveinantly timed to show you personally when someone is betraying you. Don't necessarily believe everything you hear from others, BUT understand too that if you have to ignore your intuition/gut just to have a peaceful relationship with someone, it's probably NOT worth it. Even worse, they probably would NOT ignore their gut/instincs if the tables were turned. It's OK to trust yourself sometimes. There IS a difference b/w insecurity VS. a skeptical intuition, BUT if you really know & learn yourself, you should be able to easily distinguish b/w the 2. And if you don't know OR trust yourself very well, what on EARTH are you doing in a relationship anyways!?
-Some mishaps we can blaim on simply "Being human," while others we can't. Some things are NOT ok. And if someone does the ultimate wrongdoing to you, let them know the FIRST time that what they've done is NOT acceptable. Trust me, they are watching your response & if they ever intended on hurting you again, you not standing up for yourself just gave them the go-ahead for them to betray you again (robbing a bank if they knew they wouldn't get caught)
16. Trust your gut/intuition. It's ok to want all the facts before making a big decision, BUT understand that sometimes getting ahold of those facts or "seeing it for yourself in person" doesn't usually happen, which is where our intuition comes in. Stop believing that life is so conveinantly timed to show you personally when someone is betraying you. Don't necessarily believe everything you hear from others, BUT understand too that if you have to ignore your intuition/gut just to have a peaceful relationship with someone, it's probably NOT worth it. Even worse, they probably would NOT ignore their gut/instincs if the tables were turned. It's OK to trust yourself sometimes. There IS a difference b/w insecurity VS. a skeptical intuition, BUT if you really know & learn yourself, you should be able to easily distinguish b/w the 2. And if you don't know OR trust yourself very well, what on EARTH are you doing in a relationship anyways!?
17. Forgiveness is NEVER about the other person.
18. Having a good amount of friends of the opposite sex is healthy. BUT, don't be surprised when your partner is NOT ok when they see that all of your male/female circle of friends is conveinantly made up of ex's, people you've engaged in FWB relations, people who are your "type," etc. Be honest about what a "friend" means. Be honest about who your true friends are. Find ways to have strictly PLATONIC friendships with the opposite sex. If you try to keep everyone from the past in your life, you're going to give off the impression that you're only keeping them around b/c you're not strong enough to let them go and/OR that you're using them as Plan B's & C's. Don't be foolish & refer to your ex as your "big brother" or say, "Oh she's like a sister to me." You shouldn't have to be best friends with someone in the past just to prove a point that you don't hold grudges. If your partner gets the sense that you play around with the word "friend" like some people do the word "love," they'll never be able to trust your judgement.
19. Know when to throw in the towel. Sometimes people break up for petty reasons when they never should've. And some times people stay together when they're relationship should've been over a lonnnnng time ago. The whole "Breaking up to make up" thing is old & played out. Every time you leave your partner (or vice versa) you're putting X marks on the board of stability that represents your relationship. And if you're going to break up for a valid reason, make sure you DON'T get back together UNTIL whatever issues caused you to break up in the 1st place are fixed/squashed. And don't try to have "space," while still being in a relationship with that person. If you can't give your partner your undivided love, attention, time & energy, spare them & leave them. No one wants a part time or "half" lover. If you need space, be gone! But don't stay with someone when you know that something will hold you back from giving them your all like you normally would.
18. Having a good amount of friends of the opposite sex is healthy. BUT, don't be surprised when your partner is NOT ok when they see that all of your male/female circle of friends is conveinantly made up of ex's, people you've engaged in FWB relations, people who are your "type," etc. Be honest about what a "friend" means. Be honest about who your true friends are. Find ways to have strictly PLATONIC friendships with the opposite sex. If you try to keep everyone from the past in your life, you're going to give off the impression that you're only keeping them around b/c you're not strong enough to let them go and/OR that you're using them as Plan B's & C's. Don't be foolish & refer to your ex as your "big brother" or say, "Oh she's like a sister to me." You shouldn't have to be best friends with someone in the past just to prove a point that you don't hold grudges. If your partner gets the sense that you play around with the word "friend" like some people do the word "love," they'll never be able to trust your judgement.
19. Know when to throw in the towel. Sometimes people break up for petty reasons when they never should've. And some times people stay together when they're relationship should've been over a lonnnnng time ago. The whole "Breaking up to make up" thing is old & played out. Every time you leave your partner (or vice versa) you're putting X marks on the board of stability that represents your relationship. And if you're going to break up for a valid reason, make sure you DON'T get back together UNTIL whatever issues caused you to break up in the 1st place are fixed/squashed. And don't try to have "space," while still being in a relationship with that person. If you can't give your partner your undivided love, attention, time & energy, spare them & leave them. No one wants a part time or "half" lover. If you need space, be gone! But don't stay with someone when you know that something will hold you back from giving them your all like you normally would.
Posted by nothingswrong
krysrenee7, what you have here is golden. Did you write this??
Yes, I wrote this all on my own. A few friends of mine went out for drinks last night & we were all discussing what we've all learned about relationships. I thought I'd share some of those things with you guys on this site, hoping that someone can relate.
20. It's tempting to want to repay an ex with revenge whenever they've hurt you. People love to curse their ex's, dogg them out to the ends of the earth & try to sabatoge every new relationship or new "fling" their ex has. Doing all of those things won't erase any of the hurt, which is why you're feeling the need to be so revengeful in the 1st place. Have confidence that your ex will get his payback/karma. Don't try to play God. You may not be around with front row seats when your ex finally gets his payback, so just know that what goes around comes around. If you try to reach out to new girlfriend's or get revenge, you only make yourself look like an ignorant, vindictive & bitter azs who keeps giving an ex more power/credit than they deserve. Stop trying to play captain save-a-ho(e). The only person you can control is YOU. When you've been hurt, worry about & focus only on yourself, healing & moving past it all. If you want him to learn accountability, he damn sure won't learn it when someone has it out for him. His only mission/focus when you have it out for him is to ditch & dodge you. You can't force someone to "get it." Plus, you want someone to "get it" on their own & not b/c you forced them to or guilted them into doing so.
21. It's a great thing to feel you deserve the best, BUT it's quite tacky to expect for someone to give to you and/or give to you all the things you can technically give yourself. NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU. There is no such thing. And it's quite wrong to give someone the job of completing in you the things you could do for yourself if you weren't so selfish and/or lacking self-esteem. Most people spend an entire lifetime trying to figure out who they are, what they want & how to love themselves, so don't give someone the job of giving them TWO people to try to figure out/satisfy beyond means. They'll grow to resent you. And we all know that those who are never satisfied usually end up right where they started, alone & left to themselves.
21. It's a great thing to feel you deserve the best, BUT it's quite tacky to expect for someone to give to you and/or give to you all the things you can technically give yourself. NO ONE CAN COMPLETE YOU. There is no such thing. And it's quite wrong to give someone the job of completing in you the things you could do for yourself if you weren't so selfish and/or lacking self-esteem. Most people spend an entire lifetime trying to figure out who they are, what they want & how to love themselves, so don't give someone the job of giving them TWO people to try to figure out/satisfy beyond means. They'll grow to resent you. And we all know that those who are never satisfied usually end up right where they started, alone & left to themselves.
22. If you're coming into a friendship/relationship prepared to only give 40% , don't expect the other person to give you 41% or more. If you want someone whose got it all together (job, house, career, stability, nice body, etc.) make sure you have it all together too. Don't fall for the mindtrick of falling for someone b/c of what sits OUTSIDE. A person's car, for instance, sits outside at night & it's NOT yours. So make sure you understand what's important. Get your priorities straight. Love a person for who they are & NOT only for what they can do for you b/c chances are, if & when the relationship ends, all the superficial/materialistic things you loved them for will go out the door right along with that person, leaving you with nothing! So make sure you find REAL unconditional things to admire/like/love about a person.
23. If you want the kind of relationship where you can be totally dependent emotionally or financially on another person, do NOT get upset when the relationship ends & you're left with nothing. It's no one's fault but yours. Always place yourself in situations where you wouldn't be completely phuck out of luck persay things don't work out. If that means getting your own degree, job or self-esteem to make sure that you're not left with nothing persay the relationship doesn't work out, do what you've gotta do. If you sit on your azs the whole relationship, waiting on someone else to "make you," don't look like a deer in headlights when they not only leave you but also leave you for someone who can do for themselves the very same things they expect for others to do/be for them.
24. If you believ(ed) what you saw when things were GOOD, believe what you saw when things were BAD. If you trust your judgement and/or intuition/instincts of a person when they're doing right by you, don't act like you're a blind bat when things are bad. Use that same judgement you use to give someone credit for the good things & use that same judgment/intuition when another person's true colors are coming out. Even crooks can't stand naive people without common sense.
23. If you want the kind of relationship where you can be totally dependent emotionally or financially on another person, do NOT get upset when the relationship ends & you're left with nothing. It's no one's fault but yours. Always place yourself in situations where you wouldn't be completely phuck out of luck persay things don't work out. If that means getting your own degree, job or self-esteem to make sure that you're not left with nothing persay the relationship doesn't work out, do what you've gotta do. If you sit on your azs the whole relationship, waiting on someone else to "make you," don't look like a deer in headlights when they not only leave you but also leave you for someone who can do for themselves the very same things they expect for others to do/be for them.
24. If you believ(ed) what you saw when things were GOOD, believe what you saw when things were BAD. If you trust your judgement and/or intuition/instincts of a person when they're doing right by you, don't act like you're a blind bat when things are bad. Use that same judgement you use to give someone credit for the good things & use that same judgment/intuition when another person's true colors are coming out. Even crooks can't stand naive people without common sense.
25. It's Christmas time/cuddling season so it's to be expected that alot of single people will be craving for love this time of year more than usual. And hey, that's ok. It's a GOOD thing when someone can be affected after seeing other couples exchange love with 1 another. BUT, don't be more in love with the concept of love vs. the actual person. It's ok to want commitment. Love is the greatest gift anyone can receive & it's the 1 thing most people would kill for (literally) and/or spend their entire lives searching for. BUT, don't get so caught up in the "image" of things that you forget to really get to know the person you are dating/in a relationship with. The title shouldn't mean anything UNLESS there is real genuine feelings/love behind it.
26. What you see is what you get. When a person SHOWS you who they are, believe them the FIRST time. Don't try to play "psychologist" to someone whose already self-diagnosed themselves & told you straight up how they are. Believe it! Don't challenge reality! Don't challenge your own brain or eyes! Yes, it's EXACTLY what it looks like. If you have to dumb yourself down just to keep a relationship going, isn't that a major indication that the relationship is coming between you & you?!
27. Sex IS important but it's not the MOST important. Out of 24 hours a day, sex probably only occupies 1-2 hours of each couple's time max. And MAJORITY RULES, which means all of what you have to deal with for the remainder of those hours matters most (their personality, character, etc.). Sex should be the ICING on the cake, not the cake itself.
26. What you see is what you get. When a person SHOWS you who they are, believe them the FIRST time. Don't try to play "psychologist" to someone whose already self-diagnosed themselves & told you straight up how they are. Believe it! Don't challenge reality! Don't challenge your own brain or eyes! Yes, it's EXACTLY what it looks like. If you have to dumb yourself down just to keep a relationship going, isn't that a major indication that the relationship is coming between you & you?!
27. Sex IS important but it's not the MOST important. Out of 24 hours a day, sex probably only occupies 1-2 hours of each couple's time max. And MAJORITY RULES, which means all of what you have to deal with for the remainder of those hours matters most (their personality, character, etc.). Sex should be the ICING on the cake, not the cake itself.
28. Stop saying, "You'll never find someone like me," to an ex. In their minds, they are probably thinking, "Exactly! That's the point!!!!!!!!" If an ex made the DECISION/CHOICE to leave you & the relationship, it's probably b/c they've convinced themselves that they don't need/want you (whether they're reasoning is right or wrong doesn't matter). You can't really miss what you never had NOR can you miss what you don't even really want. So stop assuming that throwing that line to an ex will actually work and/or stir up some kind of jealousy or guilt; it won't! They're GOAL in leaving the relationship to begin with was to find someone completely UNLIKE you. So when you throw them that line, you're only confirming to them that yes, they need to get the hell away from you & find someone the most UNLIKE you as possible!
29. All is fair in love & war. You don't necessarily have to torture yourself by remaining friends with someone you're deep down not ready to forgive and/or be a real friend to. It's ok to admit to yourself that you're not completely over or healed from a situation. You're NOT doing anyone a favor by being their friend if the friendship is not really where your heart is. You shouldn't have to keep someone in your present life just to get the point across that you're not mad at them anymore and/or that you don't want to be enemies. Too many people say, "I still talk to/hang out with that person b/c I don't want them to think I'm holding a grudge." If you're not ready, say so. If you're still experiencing emotional turmoil all b/c you're still friends with someone, that's indication that you're NOT fully ready to engage in a real friendship with them.
30. There is NO such thing as, "Well had he/she been doing right by their partner, I wouldn't be here." Honey, that man/woman decided to cheat on their partner with you b/c you were the only 1 dumb enough to fall for their antics. Of COURSE the person whose ready to cheat is going to make it seem like they're current relationship is just ohhh so horrible. Welp, if it's THAT damn bad, they'd leave! There are PLENTY of women/men who prove time & time again that you can do everything RIGHT & yet STILL get played. Blaiming the victim for why they got betrayed is about as tacky as it gets. Be honest. You're playing the "mistress" b/c you don't have the self esteem to get a man who isn't taken & he's entertaining you as a mistress, b/c a mistress is ALL you'll ever be (the perfect way to have y
29. All is fair in love & war. You don't necessarily have to torture yourself by remaining friends with someone you're deep down not ready to forgive and/or be a real friend to. It's ok to admit to yourself that you're not completely over or healed from a situation. You're NOT doing anyone a favor by being their friend if the friendship is not really where your heart is. You shouldn't have to keep someone in your present life just to get the point across that you're not mad at them anymore and/or that you don't want to be enemies. Too many people say, "I still talk to/hang out with that person b/c I don't want them to think I'm holding a grudge." If you're not ready, say so. If you're still experiencing emotional turmoil all b/c you're still friends with someone, that's indication that you're NOT fully ready to engage in a real friendship with them.
30. There is NO such thing as, "Well had he/she been doing right by their partner, I wouldn't be here." Honey, that man/woman decided to cheat on their partner with you b/c you were the only 1 dumb enough to fall for their antics. Of COURSE the person whose ready to cheat is going to make it seem like they're current relationship is just ohhh so horrible. Welp, if it's THAT damn bad, they'd leave! There are PLENTY of women/men who prove time & time again that you can do everything RIGHT & yet STILL get played. Blaiming the victim for why they got betrayed is about as tacky as it gets. Be honest. You're playing the "mistress" b/c you don't have the self esteem to get a man who isn't taken & he's entertaining you as a mistress, b/c a mistress is ALL you'll ever be (the perfect way to have y
31. Not everyone is out to hurt you, lie to you, betray you, take advantage of you and/or decieve you in some way. It's healthy to acknowledge that there are some bad people in this world, BUT don't forget about the good people. You can't go about dating/love/romance with the mindset that "all men/women are the same," b/c if you do, you're basically saying to another person who probably thinks the same way (lol) that YOU TOO are in fact just like the others (in a bad way). And I bet you'd argue with that, now wouldn't you? Just like you'd want someone to give you a chance & give you credit for being "Different," be prepared to give others that same credit.
32. Sometimes the words our ex's use towards us are mean, nasty & just plain out dead wrong. And granted, sometimes our ex's say bad things about us b/c they're hurt & feel that emotionally assassinating someone is their defense mechanism. BUT, keep in mind that everybody that says something bad about you or another person isn't always a "hater." It's not fair to give an ex credit when they're saying good things about you but yet scold them & call them a liar when they're saying negative things about you. Well, which 1 is it? Can their judgment/assessment of you be logical/truthful or not! Be leary of the people who for some reason seem to have lots of enemies. If 50,000 people are ALL saying the SAME things about someone, chances are some if not most of it is true. Not all ex's are bitter individuals who want to say negative things about the other person just to spite them. Sometimes they really ARE telling the truth. Don't disagree with it just b/c it sounds terrible. Remember that sometimes how you see yourself is NOT how others see you. And if you ever want to be a "team" with someone in a relationship, how they see/perceive & feel about you SHOULD matter.
32. Sometimes the words our ex's use towards us are mean, nasty & just plain out dead wrong. And granted, sometimes our ex's say bad things about us b/c they're hurt & feel that emotionally assassinating someone is their defense mechanism. BUT, keep in mind that everybody that says something bad about you or another person isn't always a "hater." It's not fair to give an ex credit when they're saying good things about you but yet scold them & call them a liar when they're saying negative things about you. Well, which 1 is it? Can their judgment/assessment of you be logical/truthful or not! Be leary of the people who for some reason seem to have lots of enemies. If 50,000 people are ALL saying the SAME things about someone, chances are some if not most of it is true. Not all ex's are bitter individuals who want to say negative things about the other person just to spite them. Sometimes they really ARE telling the truth. Don't disagree with it just b/c it sounds terrible. Remember that sometimes how you see yourself is NOT how others see you. And if you ever want to be a "team" with someone in a relationship, how they see/perceive & feel about you SHOULD matter.
33. Staying in a relationship "for the kids" is a BAD move. Like Dr. Phil said, children would rather be OF a broken home than actually FROM one. You're NOT doing your kids any favors by staying with a partner whom they can witness disrespecting/abusing you. Doing so teachess children how to settle and how to put their happiness at #2+ when their happiness should really be #1 in concern/priority. TRUST ME, children would rather go to 2 separate households where the parents both respect eachother vs. technically growing up in a household where both parents can't seem to stand eachother. Children are not stupid. The BEST gift you can give to your children is to be with the person that makes them happy. Parents are the FIRST ones to teach their children what love is. And that impression is a lasting impression.
I am so all about 33. My parents are divorced and yeah it still hurts on many levels, but they showed me that their lives were important enough to do something difficult to be at peace and to be happy.
Hey, EM. It must take a lot of courage to go through that. Like I said...yeah, it hurts. But so many great things came out of it too. I know my parents in a way I never would have had they not split up.
Besides, kids learn about romantic love from their parents relationship. It greatly affects their relationships as they get older. If you couldn't be a healthy, happy example of that then they'll be better off in the long run. 🙂
Besides, kids learn about romantic love from their parents relationship. It greatly affects their relationships as they get older. If you couldn't be a healthy, happy example of that then they'll be better off in the long run. 🙂
We should just start having Relationship Mass here every week.
I can already picture kyrsrenee7 on her podium giving her sermons with the occassional woman saying, "Amen" and sometimes the occassional male being fussy and bored followed momentarily with a short, "Ow", having had his ears twisted by his female guardian/partner.
I can already picture kyrsrenee7 on her podium giving her sermons with the occassional woman saying, "Amen" and sometimes the occassional male being fussy and bored followed momentarily with a short, "Ow", having had his ears twisted by his female guardian/partner.
Posted by Norcalman67
To Krysrenee7:
You are flat brilliant. I've read your posts and,... to my amazement I'm thrilled that someone (anyone) still "Gets It" today.
Awww thanx love! I most def. appreciate it! I'm glad that you & your fiance are back on track & are more stronger now more than ever!!!!!! I don't hear stories like that often (ya know, the stories about 2 people who probably hated eachother getting back together & having a happy ending) =P
Posted by Shadows
I am so all about 33. My parents are divorced and yeah it still hurts on many levels, but they showed me that their lives were important enough to do something difficult to be at peace and to be happy.
People don't realize that children see everything. We can't always blaim the school systems or "the streets" for everything. (Sorry I keep quoting Dr. Phil lol) As Dr. Phil said, children are born with a clean/white slate & parents write on the slate of who they are & will end up being. Unless a child was born with some genetic defect or chemical imbalance, most of the destructive behavior(s) we're seeing in children/teens (and sometimes even adults) today can usually be traced somehow back to the original parents (or lack thereof).
I never knew my parents were married; I'd never seen their actual marriage certificate. The only reason I knew they were married was b/c I got to witness how much they loved eachother, how respectful they treated 1 another. My father was the 1st man I ever met & knew & the same goes with my mother. So you're damn skippy children are very much so affected by whatever is going on in their homes.
Children who have divorced parents & have to spend time at separate homes where both parents are civil & respect eachother don't complain about life NEARLY as much as those children who yes, technically have both parents in the same household but yet experience & witness a lack of compassion, love & respect b/w both parents. The same compassion, love & respect that those same parents are going to try to convince their sons & daughters they deserve 1 day. It's quite challenging to teach me how to love & what I deserve when I'm ready for love if the 2 people who gave me my 1st lesson on love weren't a good example
34. Love is like the winning lottery ticket. It's the ONE thing people 1. Spend their entire lives looking for 2. Would literally kill for & 3. Go above & beyond to protect. In other words, those who have love with someone else are considered the very "elite" and/or lucky. And with anything that is in high demand/so rare, you've got to make sure that you protect your love with someone the SAME way you would the winning lottery ticket. So many people that have love are never satisfied, risk losing that love and/or aren't grateful for what they have; they're the kinds of people who go around flashing the winning lottery ticket to others just to gain cool points OR put such a valuable item in their pockets instead of in a safe! There are millions of people at any given time that are ready, willing AND able to snatch that ticket from you-and hell some won't even feel a tad bit shamed to do so! So make sure that when you actually find love, you cherish it the way you would persay you had that winning lottery ticket b/c most people only win the lottery ONCE, if even at all! Don't be the fool who gets that winning ticket snatched right from under you all b/c of ungratefullness or carelessness.
35. People convince themselves that they'll "know when he/she is the one," & won't stop playing the field or being a player until that moment b/c hey, after all, they have confidence that they'll just "know" & will stop the minute they see that person. BULL. "The one" might come when you are at the lowest point in your life; they might come when you have nothing. They might come when you look like crap, vs. when you look like a million dollars after getting ready for 2 hours. Life isn't so conveinantly timed to only send us the "great ones" when we're at our best; "The one" probably won't come when you're finally DONE being a player. No, he/she will come at the most weirdest of times, which is why you have to make sure that you are on top of your game at ALL times. You never know when that winning lottery ticket is going to walk in the door & slip in your pocket. And if when they come, you're out hurting people, gaining a bad reputation, etc. you're most likely to miss out on a good thing. Don't believe in the mind trick that love will come when you're at your best. That's why some of the most fulfulling & longest lasting relationships consists of 2 people who met at the worst time, had nothing, etc. Make sure that if you were to meet "the one" tomorrow, you'd be the
35. People convince themselves that they'll "know when he/she is the one," & won't stop playing the field or being a player until that moment b/c hey, after all, they have confidence that they'll just "know" & will stop the minute they see that person. BULL. "The one" might come when you are at the lowest point in your life; they might come when you have nothing. They might come when you look like crap, vs. when you look like a million dollars after getting ready for 2 hours. Life isn't so conveinantly timed to only send us the "great ones" when we're at our best; "The one" probably won't come when you're finally DONE being a player. No, he/she will come at the most weirdest of times, which is why you have to make sure that you are on top of your game at ALL times. You never know when that winning lottery ticket is going to walk in the door & slip in your pocket. And if when they come, you're out hurting people, gaining a bad reputation, etc. you're most likely to miss out on a good thing. Don't believe in the mind trick that love will come when you're at your best. That's why some of the most fulfulling & longest lasting relationships consists of 2 people who met at the worst time, had nothing, etc. Make sure that if you were to meet "the one" tomorrow, you'd be the
35..continued...Make sure that if you were to meet "the one" tomorrow, you'd be someone worthy of getting to know. You never know when love is lurking behind the corners, so make sure you strive to be a good person EVERY day to EVERYbody.
36. People say they're not ready for love b/c they "just want to focus on their careers" or are too busy. BULL. The busiest man in the WORLD (the president) has AND had time to seek AND maintain a family, so all others have NO excuses. People make time for what they WANT to make time for. If you're very busy with your career, that's understandable BUT instead of throwing good things off your plate when it gets full, just get a BIGGER plate. Don't be arrogant in assuming that the best things for you will come at a time when you've got it all. That person may enter into your life at a time when you're the most busiest, the most broke or whatever! All the busiest men in the WORLD (who have a hell of a lot more to lose than YOU do) even MADE time for a good catch when they saw one so stop making excuses. Be honest. You're not ready for love b/c you are not willing to dedicate any extra time for it; it's not b/c your busy schedule can't handle it. I swear people will say anything to get out of the responsibility to do what it takes to find & maintain a successful relationship. All the time they spend lecturing you on how "busy" they are could be time they could spending courting you, getting to know you & establishing a bond with you!
36. People say they're not ready for love b/c they "just want to focus on their careers" or are too busy. BULL. The busiest man in the WORLD (the president) has AND had time to seek AND maintain a family, so all others have NO excuses. People make time for what they WANT to make time for. If you're very busy with your career, that's understandable BUT instead of throwing good things off your plate when it gets full, just get a BIGGER plate. Don't be arrogant in assuming that the best things for you will come at a time when you've got it all. That person may enter into your life at a time when you're the most busiest, the most broke or whatever! All the busiest men in the WORLD (who have a hell of a lot more to lose than YOU do) even MADE time for a good catch when they saw one so stop making excuses. Be honest. You're not ready for love b/c you are not willing to dedicate any extra time for it; it's not b/c your busy schedule can't handle it. I swear people will say anything to get out of the responsibility to do what it takes to find & maintain a successful relationship. All the time they spend lecturing you on how "busy" they are could be time they could spending courting you, getting to know you & establishing a bond with you!
37. We all have expectations. Some of us even still play into "gender roles." If you are traditional, old fashioned or whatever, that's fine, BUT make sure that the things you want someone else to do for you (cook, clean, take care of the kids, be the primary bread winner, etc.) don't feel like a JOB to them. For instance, most women actually LOVE to cook; some just don't and/or get tired of it b/c their partners make them feel like they absolutely HAVE to do it; like it's a job vs. just something they do out of appreciation for the other person. People shouldn't feel like anything is their "job" unless they are getting paid hourly/salaried for it! We all have to remember that no one other than ourselves owes us a damn thing! Everything someone else can give us are earned & are on condition. If you aren't treating your partner right, don't be surprised when they stop doing the little things for you like they used to when you actually showed them some appreciation. If a woman/man has to resort to only doing things for you b/c they feel it's their "2nd job," it takes the fun/genuineness out of things. You should want a person to do certain things for you b/c they WANT to, not b/c they're forced to. This applies to sex too. Ladies/gents, if you're not getting any nooky at home, it might be b/c your partner no longer feels it's fun; they instead feel that what they're doing has any face value and/or is being appreciated. You know how it is, when you're at work working your azs off only to see your boss/co-workers rolling their eyes even though you've dedicated yourself (probably more than them). It makes the job no longer fun & in some cases, that's grounds for someone to quit!
number 4 is dead on the money....now i can officially file for a divorce 😢
Hey, can you throw in "In relationships, one plus one equals two. Two minus one equals nothing."?
Krysrenee7 you deserve a standing ovation ! (((((clap, clap, clap)))) I am standing !!!
Posted by Shadows
Hey, can you throw in "In relationships, one plus one equals two. Two minus one equals nothing."?
LOL I was actually going to get started on that next! Moving on...
36. Both people have to be investing & giving in the relationship at ALL times; not 1 person giving/doing more than the other; 49/51% relationships don't ever work. Even though 1% might be petty & not that much of a difference, that 1% can make a hell of a difference after a while. If you're constantly giving more than the other person, you'll get tired, resentful & naturally start to feel more drained unlike you would persay both were giving 50% equally. If you're in a situation where you feel that you are giving way more than they are giving you, the answer isn't to keep giving your all. No, if they are giving 35% , you match that & start giving 35% as well. Give others what they are willing to give you. And if you are in the RIGHT relationship, 50% will be the number you BOTH are giving. The best way to get the point across to someone that you're doing more than they are is to match them; stop doing whatever takes you past 50% . And they technically can't complain b/c hey, if they're not in the wrong for giving you 49% then you can't possibly be wrong for giving 49% also! But if you keep over-giving, you'll grow tired & resentful & the things you actually do give/invest in the relationship won't be as fun anymore or come from a genuine place. And if the other person refuses to match your number & invest equally into the relationship, either leave the relationship OR only start giving the number they are giving so that you guys are atleast even! Anything less than 50 probably won't work out, but hey, atleast you'll be even =)
37. I've learned that at any given time in a relationship, the other person can only fulfill 80% (if that) of your needs. No one can satisfy you 100% . No one is perfect, nor is anyone capable of doing everything you need OR being everything you need. The key to a long lasting relationship is to find the most imperfect person, perfect. You can't be all things to everybody, so understand that when you're at home wishing you had "more" or wishing your partner could be Mr. or Ms. perfect. If you have the unrealistic expectation(s) that others should be everything to you ALL the time, you'll naturally start drifting into the mindset that "the grass is greener on the other side." You'll trick your own mind into believing that others can fulfill that last 20% your partner isn't fulfilling. Know what's important & get your priorities straight. As long as your partner is fulfilling the majority of your needs (the ones that actually matter & are what's keeping you in love & in the relationship) be grateful for that. The minute you step OUTSIDE of your relationship to fulfill needs only the people INSIDE the relationship should be fulfilling, you're no longer what your partner needs b/c I'm sure they wanted someone who was faithful, now didn't they! A faithful partner is a pretty big "need" on alot of wishlists! Accept the fact that your partner will not be perfect nor will they ever fulfill 100% of your needs. Get off your lazy azs & try to fulfill the rest of that 20% your damn self! I say that b/c we can't forget that 99% of what others choose to do for us are technically all things we can do for ourselves with the right self-esteem, direction & drive! If you betray or leave your 80% partner for someone who can only fulfill 20% , you're an idiot! It's hard as it is to find someone who can fulfill MOST of our needs; accept that you'll NEVER find anyone who fulfills 100% of them. Don't mess up a good thing; don't be greedy! No one has the right to demand perfection unless THEY themselves are perfect!
38. How you go into a relationship is usually how you should stay. If you went into the relationship with a toned body, makeup/muscles to perfection everyday, cooking 3 meals a day & sexing your partner 5 times a day, understand that YES, they will naturally expect for you to remain the same. Granted, some things WILL change, times get tough, people get more busy as they add more loads of responsibility into their lives, people have kids, people gain weight, people grow grey hairs, BUT ladies in particular need to stop looking so crossed eyed when their partners start to stray b/c "You don't keep yourself up anymore." It's not that the physical is the most important in a relationship, BUT remember your body & looks is what got him talking to you in the 1st place. So is he technically wrong for expecting the same mode for which he was initially attracted to you to remain about the same throughout the relationship?! No. If you liked that he was outgoing, adventureous & had a great body when you 1st met him & if those are some of the things that contributed to you falling for him, it's only natural to HOPE & somewhat expect for him to STILL be outgoing, adventureous & still have a somewhat amazing body 5+ years down the road. This is why it's important to try not to be prince/queen charming to your partner every single day in the beginning b/c if you appear that way, THAT way is exactly the way they'll expect you to stay. That's also why it's important to let your man/woman see you on your "off" days or bad hair days or on your lazy days! They need to know up front that NO, you won't be dressed to perfection every single day, no you won't be in the mood to cook 365 days a year, no you won't always be in the mood to have sex 6 times a day. If you act like Beyonce for the 1st 2 years of your relationship, your partner will expect for you to remain Beyonce for the remainder of the relationship. It's NOT fair, I know BUT it is what it is. Whatever it is you liked about that person that initially drew you to them are typically the things you're gonna wanna KEEP seeing throughout the relationship. Ladies, that's why it's important to make sure you're not gloating for the 1st 3 years about how sexy of a body you have; we all know that you're body will eventually change so make sure he likes you for MORE than just your body b/c if not, you're screwed the minute you hit 50!
Posted by krysrenee7Posted by Shadows
Hey, can you throw in "In relationships, one plus one equals two. Two minus one equals nothing."?
LOL I was actually going to get started on that next! Moving on...
36. Both people have to be investing & giving in the relationship at ALL times; not 1 person giving/doing more than the other; 49/51% relationships don't ever work. Even though 1% might be petty & not that much of a difference, that 1% can make a hell of a difference after a while. If you're constantly giving more than the other person, you'll get tired, resentful & naturally start to feel more drained unlike you would persay both were giving 50% equally. If you're in a situation where you feel that you are giving way more than they are giving you, the answer isn't to keep giving your all. No, if they are giving 35% , you match that & start giving 35% as well. Give others what they are willing to give you. And if you are in the RIGHT relationship, 50% will be the number you BOTH are giving. The best way to get the point across to someone that you're doing more than they are is to match them; stop doing whatever takes you past 50% . And they technically can't complain b/c hey, if they're not in the wrong for giving you 49% then you can't possibly be wrong for giving 49% also! But if you keep over-giving, you'll grow tired & resentful & the things you actually do give/invest in the relationship won't be as fun anymore or come from a genuine place. And if the other person refuses to match your number & invest equally into the relationship, either leave the relationship OR only start giving the number they are giving so that you guys are atleast even! Anything less than 50 probably won't work out, but hey, atleast you'll be even =)click to expand
Woo Hoo! You're speakin' my language, Sister! I find myself in this predicament now. Sons a bitches! So, consider this advice taken!
38..continued...Ladies, you understood the importance of courtship & what it means to impress your partner physically & emotionally in the beginning, so don't act like you have memory loss once you've gotten settled into the relationship. Your azs knew how important it was to look good & smell good when you went on those 1st couple of dates now didn't you?! You did those things b/c you recognized that keeping that attraction there IS important. And if anything, it's even MORE important to remember how important attraction is later on down the road in the relationship b/c it's alot harder to keep that same level of attraction once the "honey moon" stages have worn off. And the same goes for personality. If you started out very outgoing, talkative, honest & a good listener, of course your man is going to run for the hills if 4 years later he discovers that you nag all the time, never listen to him & become introverted. He's going to feel like you tricked him b/c what he initially loved about you & drew him to you is NO longer what he sees in you. Call it shallow, call it unfair but honey, look the hell around & get with the program & with the times! How you go in is how you have to stay! That's why you have to be careful about how you go in! Don't try to appear perfect in the beginning b/c if you actually pull it off & convince your partner that you are perfect, they'll expect for you to remain perfect. They'll expect for you to remain "as advertised." Having "off days" is natural & ok, but it's those long-drawn out periods that makes people get the nerve/desire to stray. It's 1 thing to have a baby & gain 50 pounds only to loose it 3 months later. Any man who can't understand "baby weight" is insensitive & foolish. BUT if 5 years later, you're STILL carrying around that extra 50 pounds, he's going to naturally remind himself of how you used to have that under control when he 1st met you. Same goes for cooking. If you stop cooking for a week or two, fine. But if 3 years later you're still rolling your eyes every time you're near a stove, he'll naturally start to compare who you are NOW to who you USED to be. And once a person starts to notice that who you used to be is NO WHERE NEAR who you currently are, they might consider leaving. In other words, if they didn't "sign up" for it, don't knock them for not being willing to entertain something they didn't think they signed up for!
39. So many of us are either:
1. In love with the concept of love VS. the actual person
2. In love with who their partner USED to be
3. In love with who they WISH their partner would be.
Rarily do I see people in love with who their current partners actually are in the moment. Every blue moon, evaluate your relationship. evaluate your feelings for your partner. Think about why you're REALLY still in the relationship. If you're naming off traits/things that don't exist or aren't any longer a part of who your partner is, that doesn't mean leave the relationship. No. BUT always be aware of who/what you're actually in love with & if you're lucky, you'll be in love with who your current partner is NOW. You shouldn't be in love with something that doesn't exist OR "used to be." And if you feel that you are, try to take a step back, re-evaluate your partner & find things about who they are CURRENTLY that you can fall in love with the same way you did their "old self." BUT only do this if the relationship is worth it. Don't hold on just to hold on. If that person is no longer that "UMPH" you need, that's ok, BUT atleast be honest about it. Also, be fair & make sure that others are not falling in love with the person you are pretending to be vs. who you really are.
1. In love with the concept of love VS. the actual person
2. In love with who their partner USED to be
3. In love with who they WISH their partner would be.
Rarily do I see people in love with who their current partners actually are in the moment. Every blue moon, evaluate your relationship. evaluate your feelings for your partner. Think about why you're REALLY still in the relationship. If you're naming off traits/things that don't exist or aren't any longer a part of who your partner is, that doesn't mean leave the relationship. No. BUT always be aware of who/what you're actually in love with & if you're lucky, you'll be in love with who your current partner is NOW. You shouldn't be in love with something that doesn't exist OR "used to be." And if you feel that you are, try to take a step back, re-evaluate your partner & find things about who they are CURRENTLY that you can fall in love with the same way you did their "old self." BUT only do this if the relationship is worth it. Don't hold on just to hold on. If that person is no longer that "UMPH" you need, that's ok, BUT atleast be honest about it. Also, be fair & make sure that others are not falling in love with the person you are pretending to be vs. who you really are.
40. Ok ok, I'm done. (Takes a bow) =P
Posted by nothingswrong
Haha, just realized you may not want to reveal your real name. That is if they are published with your real name.
lol lol yeah I would prefer not to reveal my real name. Atleast not on this site anyway. Too many creeps, if ya know what I mean! And yes, the books that have been published boldly have my name written across them =P Come on now, I'm an Aqua!
Posted by Sultanaa
^^LO frigging L... u sure u're not a cancer?
Yea I'm sure. The only Cancer in my chart is my South Node.
My moon is in Cancer. Ugh =X
Moon in Cancer doesn't seem so bad.
Actually no, I'm NOT done lol lol
41. The worst thing you can say to someone when they've come to you about something that's bothering them is, "Well your opinion is your opinion." We live in a world where we're all told to not give a flying flip about what other people think. And hey to some extent, you can't really spend all of your time worrying about what everybody thinks of you b/c there's a good chance that 80% of what they think isn't even accurate or based on facts. You can't allow others to define you. BUT, there def. ARE some people whose opinion should absolutely matter to you: Your boss b/c he's the 1 writing/signing your paycheck, your family b/c they're the ones who will always have your back & your significant other b/c they're the one who picked YOU out of a billion other people they could've had/been with. When people say good things about you, you give them credibility & assume that their assessment of you is correct b/c after all, they had good things to say. If your partner comes to you & says or suggest something negative about you, it's a slap to the face to say, "Oh well that's just your opinion." When you say that, you're completely being unwilling to acknowledge that what they have to say might have some merit. How a person that actually DOES matter to you, sees you should be very important to you, especially when you're in a relationship. And most people, if they're going to leave someone, will probably base that decision to leave on some negative trait/behavior they've discovered about the other person. So if you really love someone & plan on being with them for the long haul, it's best to start giving their opinions of you some merit, especially if those opinions are bad. How your partner perceives you (good or bad) SHOULD matter. And hey, if your partner has it wrong about you, prove her wrong. But don't purposely ignore her opinion all b/c you hate the sound of your name being associated with anything negative. Give her some credit & actually think about her accusations/opinions b/c she might be right. And chances are, if she's seen that negative quality/behavior in you, others have OR will too! So make sure you don't push your partner away all b/c you can't take a little advice. How you see yourself is NOT always the same way others see you. And if your intentions are to do right by someone, make sure your actions are matching up with your words. Don't shrug off your partner's opinion just b/c you can't handle criticism.
41. The worst thing you can say to someone when they've come to you about something that's bothering them is, "Well your opinion is your opinion." We live in a world where we're all told to not give a flying flip about what other people think. And hey to some extent, you can't really spend all of your time worrying about what everybody thinks of you b/c there's a good chance that 80% of what they think isn't even accurate or based on facts. You can't allow others to define you. BUT, there def. ARE some people whose opinion should absolutely matter to you: Your boss b/c he's the 1 writing/signing your paycheck, your family b/c they're the ones who will always have your back & your significant other b/c they're the one who picked YOU out of a billion other people they could've had/been with. When people say good things about you, you give them credibility & assume that their assessment of you is correct b/c after all, they had good things to say. If your partner comes to you & says or suggest something negative about you, it's a slap to the face to say, "Oh well that's just your opinion." When you say that, you're completely being unwilling to acknowledge that what they have to say might have some merit. How a person that actually DOES matter to you, sees you should be very important to you, especially when you're in a relationship. And most people, if they're going to leave someone, will probably base that decision to leave on some negative trait/behavior they've discovered about the other person. So if you really love someone & plan on being with them for the long haul, it's best to start giving their opinions of you some merit, especially if those opinions are bad. How your partner perceives you (good or bad) SHOULD matter. And hey, if your partner has it wrong about you, prove her wrong. But don't purposely ignore her opinion all b/c you hate the sound of your name being associated with anything negative. Give her some credit & actually think about her accusations/opinions b/c she might be right. And chances are, if she's seen that negative quality/behavior in you, others have OR will too! So make sure you don't push your partner away all b/c you can't take a little advice. How you see yourself is NOT always the same way others see you. And if your intentions are to do right by someone, make sure your actions are matching up with your words. Don't shrug off your partner's opinion just b/c you can't handle criticism.
42. They say any cussing during arguments with your partner is a bad move. I agree with that, BUT hey the reality though is that some people refuse to hit their "edit button" whenever they're mad or been provoked. An old friend of mine told me a long time ago how important it was to pick your battles. In other words, if you're going to cuss during an argument, make sure it's 1 of the BIG arguments, so that your partner will know that THIS time you must really be mad & mean business. If you cuss or get crazy during every argument, your partner won't know the difference anymore b/w when they F'd up a little bit vs. F'ing up BIG time this time. This may sound cliche but try it! If you make it a point to be civil during the small battles (ya know, those battles you can be over in 30 minutes, accompanied by make-up sex-lol), your partner will know you mean business when you actually do start cussing or throwing F bombs! Of course cussing and/or communication in non effective ways isn't a good thing at all period, BUT most of you are dead set on being heard anyways, even if that means you having to resort to verbally assassinating the other person. My adivce, save the F bombs for the HUGE, make or break arguments so that your partner will know this time that you mean business. Sometimes the key to someone taking you seriously and/or hearing you out is in them being able to tell the difference b/w when you're nagging b/c you're being petty VS. when you're screaming b/c you're really really upset this time. And if someone loves you enough, they won't be so concerned with being "right" during an argument; they'll be more concerned with hearing you out, even if that means agreeing to disagree. This technique works for those who wonder why they still aren't being heard no matter how much they kick & scream. Welp, stop kicking & screaming & save all of that for the BIG deal-breaking fights. When a person knows that they're on the brink of losing you, they'll hear you out b/c afterall, they can't afford to lose you.
43. Try listening to your partner every once in a while. No, don't sit there while they're talking/venting & think about what you're gonna say next. No, don't conveinantly have "selective hearing" during every argument. Hear them out. Don't interrupt them. Keep things civil. Don't be so worried about being "right," b/c if your only concern is to be right, that means 1 or both of you will ALWAYS lose every time. Every relationship will have it's rough patch & eventually every couple will finally discover little pet-peeves/dislikes about the other person. So when a person is getting something off their chest to you, give them enough respect to hear out what they're saying. If they're accusing you of something & have it all wrong, prove them wrong, BUT try to do so w/o making them feel that what they have to say is irrelevant or inferior to what you have to say. Remember how that feels when you really need to get something off your chest & yet the other person (friend, family member, enemy, companion, etc.) won't let you finish speaking and/or completely shrugs off what you have to say! The "talk" is no longer valid or effective if both people stop listening to the other person OR if both people only hear what they want to hear. Listen to what your partner has to say; have an "edit button." Learn some self-discipline. Some of you probably want to argue with what I'm saying now (lol) but I think we can ALL agree that communication is essential in any relationship, especially if both people plan on it lasting for more than 2 weeks.
@Kali: Good points!
There's no doubt that 1 or both people in a relationship will eventually hit a weak/rough patch, but I don't think those things should necessarily prevent you from still loving/supporting/appreciating your partner most, if not at all times. Of course there will be days when a couple says "screw it!" lol but as long as they can eventually get back to a happy medium, things will be ok. Like you said, if over time things don't eventually get back to the number each couple feels satisfied with, the relationship is in jeopardy.
50/50 is absolutely possible. It doesn't mean that each person in the relationship has to constantly be on their toes. No, it means that each couple has to make the DECISION early on that through their ups AND downs, certain things will remain the same & be unchanged. Certain things like having the ability to STILL appreciate your partner even if you're pissed off, got laid off, etc. The rough patch or rough circumstances don't take the number down from 50% . It's how each couple negatively or ineffectively responds to those rough patches that can drop that number.
I say that b/c so many people don't realize what "thick & thin" really means. Of course 50/50 relationships are hard as hell. That's why most relationships DON'T work out! Most of the people I've met, seen or have spoken to even on this site credit something related to their partner not giving as much (or vice versa) as a factor in why they fell out of love, strayed or hell even quit the relationship altogether.
There's no doubt that 1 or both people in a relationship will eventually hit a weak/rough patch, but I don't think those things should necessarily prevent you from still loving/supporting/appreciating your partner most, if not at all times. Of course there will be days when a couple says "screw it!" lol but as long as they can eventually get back to a happy medium, things will be ok. Like you said, if over time things don't eventually get back to the number each couple feels satisfied with, the relationship is in jeopardy.
50/50 is absolutely possible. It doesn't mean that each person in the relationship has to constantly be on their toes. No, it means that each couple has to make the DECISION early on that through their ups AND downs, certain things will remain the same & be unchanged. Certain things like having the ability to STILL appreciate your partner even if you're pissed off, got laid off, etc. The rough patch or rough circumstances don't take the number down from 50% . It's how each couple negatively or ineffectively responds to those rough patches that can drop that number.
I say that b/c so many people don't realize what "thick & thin" really means. Of course 50/50 relationships are hard as hell. That's why most relationships DON'T work out! Most of the people I've met, seen or have spoken to even on this site credit something related to their partner not giving as much (or vice versa) as a factor in why they fell out of love, strayed or hell even quit the relationship altogether.
Not every couple will agree to give 50/50. Some couples are only capable of giving 49% or 25% . Whatever number they feel comfortable with is fine, AS LONG as that number is equally even b/w both people for the majority of the relationship.
Life happens. However, it says alot about the quality of relationships (conveinantly the 1s that don't end up working out) when asking someone for unconditional love, support & appreciation is seen as "unrealistic." I'm sure the people who can't find it in themselves to still maintain a sense of integrity & appreciation for their partners during tough times probably don't end up with the other person for long.
The circumstances (good or bad) themselves might weigh down on a person but it shouldn't necessarily cause a strain in the actual relationship. Same goes for children. Even when parents are at their lowest peek of aggrivation, financial strain, etc., nothing should be taken out on the children. And that's b/c parents have to make the DECISION that no matter what life hands them, their children shouldn't have to suffer or notice that change every time something goes wrong. It's hard but it's absolutely necessary. Of course the things that are essential are the most hard to acheive but it IS possible. Relationships are like jobs; they're not easy, they take alot of hard work! And no one can slack off at work w/o eventually getting noticed and/OR being penalized for it
Life happens. However, it says alot about the quality of relationships (conveinantly the 1s that don't end up working out) when asking someone for unconditional love, support & appreciation is seen as "unrealistic." I'm sure the people who can't find it in themselves to still maintain a sense of integrity & appreciation for their partners during tough times probably don't end up with the other person for long.
The circumstances (good or bad) themselves might weigh down on a person but it shouldn't necessarily cause a strain in the actual relationship. Same goes for children. Even when parents are at their lowest peek of aggrivation, financial strain, etc., nothing should be taken out on the children. And that's b/c parents have to make the DECISION that no matter what life hands them, their children shouldn't have to suffer or notice that change every time something goes wrong. It's hard but it's absolutely necessary. Of course the things that are essential are the most hard to acheive but it IS possible. Relationships are like jobs; they're not easy, they take alot of hard work! And no one can slack off at work w/o eventually getting noticed and/OR being penalized for it
Posted by QLIbraMale
krysrenee7 i kinda disagree with 37. i believe it is 100% just divided in different percentages like Love 50% Trust 10% Faithfulness 10% Caring/Comforting 10% Space 10% arguments 10% . not exactly accurate but i believe it accumulates 100% of oneself in a relationship.
I agree, whether all of those things add up to 50% , 100% , or 26% , my point was that what you're giving should be the same as what your partner is giving. Not everybody can give their all. Not everybody can give 100% . Hell, alot of people now are taught to only give 99% , while leaving that extra 1% out in case of emergencies lol! BUT, as long as each couple is giving equally (regardless of the number), that's all that matters.
Hey, you had to do what you had to do! You can't really miss a trait within someone if they never gave it to you!
Wowww. I've actually heard many men complain about this. They get in these relationships with these self-absorbed women who truly only care about themselves. When they actually do something for their boyfriends, it's probably only b/c they'll in some way, shape or form gain from it too. Those types of things are VERY selfish. What makes it even worse is that these kinds of people are arrogant in convincing themselves that no one is hip to them! Smh smh
@krysrenee7..
with apologies if this subject has been covered in another of your excellent posts..
what are your thoughts on the phrase "if it's meant to be it will be"?
As an Aries I think I need to be out there making an effort or I am just being lazy and don't deserve a great relationship. I feel it is silly to just do nothing and expect Mr Right to suddenly show up at the doorstep with a bunch of flowers.
I have met someone that I think is "the one" - he knows how I feel. Is it safe for me to now leave everything in the hands of the "if it's meant to be" Gods?
with apologies if this subject has been covered in another of your excellent posts..
what are your thoughts on the phrase "if it's meant to be it will be"?
As an Aries I think I need to be out there making an effort or I am just being lazy and don't deserve a great relationship. I feel it is silly to just do nothing and expect Mr Right to suddenly show up at the doorstep with a bunch of flowers.
I have met someone that I think is "the one" - he knows how I feel. Is it safe for me to now leave everything in the hands of the "if it's meant to be" Gods?
Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPerson
@krysrenee7..
what are your thoughts on the phrase "if it's meant to be it will be"? I have met someone that I think is "the one" - he knows how I feel. Is it safe for me to now leave everything in the hands of the "if it's meant to be" Gods?
I don't believe in "If it's meant to be, it'll happen" all the way. Believing in that suggests that some magical fairy will come down from the sky & somehow configure everything we want to happen. That's unrealistic. BOTH people have to make a conscious effort to go after what they want & if both people do so, it will THEN will be.
If 2 people have had issues in the past & have since separated, the only way anything will "be" again is if both people fix/resolve what caused the separation to begin with.
No one should be sitting at home waiting for Prince/Queen charming to show up with a bouquet of flowers. And if they do, they'll STILL eventually expect for you to get up off your azs & show them what ya got & what you're willing to offer!
If you like this guy & think he's the 1, don't expect for the rest of the work to be done for you. The minute you believe someone is right for you, you should immediately go into "work" mode. Relationships (seeking AND maintaining them) are hard work. You have to start early in the beginning getting in the habbit of knowing how to chase and/or when to be chased. But if you expect the other person to do all the chasing, you won't ever give HIM the chance to believe you're the one. And that's important.
Give HIM the chance to believe that you're possibly "the one." It'll be kind of hard for him to believe such if he's doing all the work and/or if he's the one spending all his time exposing only his qualities. He needs to know/see that you can be just as vulnerable too. He needs to know/see that you aren't arrogant in believing that you deserve the best even if you don't work for it!
Put yourself in his shoes. Not everybody knows the other person is the "one" simply by looking at their beauty. Some people know by simply claiming they "just know" even if they don't have a clear cut answer that stemmed from their logic. Others only "know" once they've seen/realized that even AFTER giving their all, they STILL feel delighted when they're around you. Not everybody lives in the moment or is quick to assume anything about the other person. This guy might need to see some actions & see your willingness to work for him, before he even allows the thought of you being the 1 to enter his mind.
Put yourself in his shoes. Not everybody knows the other person is the "one" simply by looking at their beauty. Some people know by simply claiming they "just know" even if they don't have a clear cut answer that stemmed from their logic. Others only "know" once they've seen/realized that even AFTER giving their all, they STILL feel delighted when they're around you. Not everybody lives in the moment or is quick to assume anything about the other person. This guy might need to see some actions & see your willingness to work for him, before he even allows the thought of you being the 1 to enter his mind.
Thanks K.
No I am not sitting around waiting for it to happen for me. I am putting a lot of effort into being supportive etc. I know that relationships are supposed to be "hard work" but it doesn't feel like work because this is someone I adore and anything I can do for him is a genuine pleasure.
I have just had a few people advising me to leave him alone, but I feel unless he knows I am a person who is going to "be there" and be supportive why would he think of me as someone he would consider sharing a life with?
They had me concerned that I was scaring him away with my Aries attitude of "you are my friend and I am there for you whatever."
When can the chasing thing stop? I considered that he chased me at the beginning when we first met. We were both totally wrong for each other for a myriad of reasons (chiefly that he was younger...AAARGHHH!!!!!!!!) but he managed to wear down all the barriers. I really have no idea about games (except when people pretend to be "into me" and I find out they are lying and I would not do that to another person) or chasing...I like to be straightforward and honest and expect the same treatment from others.
No I am not sitting around waiting for it to happen for me. I am putting a lot of effort into being supportive etc. I know that relationships are supposed to be "hard work" but it doesn't feel like work because this is someone I adore and anything I can do for him is a genuine pleasure.
I have just had a few people advising me to leave him alone, but I feel unless he knows I am a person who is going to "be there" and be supportive why would he think of me as someone he would consider sharing a life with?
They had me concerned that I was scaring him away with my Aries attitude of "you are my friend and I am there for you whatever."
When can the chasing thing stop? I considered that he chased me at the beginning when we first met. We were both totally wrong for each other for a myriad of reasons (chiefly that he was younger...AAARGHHH!!!!!!!!) but he managed to wear down all the barriers. I really have no idea about games (except when people pretend to be "into me" and I find out they are lying and I would not do that to another person) or chasing...I like to be straightforward and honest and expect the same treatment from others.
Well it's good that you're not into game playing. It's maybe nice to atleast be AWARE of some of the most common games people play, BUT that doesn't mean that you have to be a willing participant. You're on the right track.
Relationships are hard work from the beginning on. Of course, you should feel lovely throughout everything, BUT you still have to be on your toes just like he still has to make sure he's maintaining whatever it is that attracted you to him in the 1st place. By work, I mean relationships DO take effort. W/o effort, we wouldn't know anything about the other person. Growing to love/like someone means putting in the time, energy, conversation, communication, romance, intimacy, etc. Those are the things that bring 2 people together & actually KEEP them together. And to maintain all of those things for a long period of time (especially if you want to transition over to a relationship vs. just friendship), you have to continually work to make sure none of those things are slacking or lacking.
Idk everything about the situation so I can't really tell you whether or not your friends gave you the wrong advice or not. I agree that you shouldn't be doing ALL the chasing, so if you are maybe that's what they mean when they tell you to back off/leave him alone. But at no time should you stop trying. You can never stop getting to know a person, so there should always be something to talk about, which in turn gives the other person reason/opportunity to chase the other
If you don't yet feel that you've succeeded in getting across to him the message that you are the "ride or die" type, then keep going until you feel he's finally gotten the message. Don't over-do it b/c true enough, some things he can see for himself w/o you having to tell him or force it into his head.
Maybe turn down the "Aggressive Aries" approach if you feel that your current approach isn't getting you anywhere, but still remain who you are. Don't start tapping into all the mind games, manipulation tools and/or anything that does NOT come from a genuine place, b/c the minute you do, he'll notice & he'll DEF. shy away from you
Relationships are hard work from the beginning on. Of course, you should feel lovely throughout everything, BUT you still have to be on your toes just like he still has to make sure he's maintaining whatever it is that attracted you to him in the 1st place. By work, I mean relationships DO take effort. W/o effort, we wouldn't know anything about the other person. Growing to love/like someone means putting in the time, energy, conversation, communication, romance, intimacy, etc. Those are the things that bring 2 people together & actually KEEP them together. And to maintain all of those things for a long period of time (especially if you want to transition over to a relationship vs. just friendship), you have to continually work to make sure none of those things are slacking or lacking.
Idk everything about the situation so I can't really tell you whether or not your friends gave you the wrong advice or not. I agree that you shouldn't be doing ALL the chasing, so if you are maybe that's what they mean when they tell you to back off/leave him alone. But at no time should you stop trying. You can never stop getting to know a person, so there should always be something to talk about, which in turn gives the other person reason/opportunity to chase the other
If you don't yet feel that you've succeeded in getting across to him the message that you are the "ride or die" type, then keep going until you feel he's finally gotten the message. Don't over-do it b/c true enough, some things he can see for himself w/o you having to tell him or force it into his head.
Maybe turn down the "Aggressive Aries" approach if you feel that your current approach isn't getting you anywhere, but still remain who you are. Don't start tapping into all the mind games, manipulation tools and/or anything that does NOT come from a genuine place, b/c the minute you do, he'll notice & he'll DEF. shy away from you
Posted by krysrenee7
35Make sure that if you were to meet "the one" tomorrow, you'd be someone worthy of getting to know. You never know when love is lurking behind the corners, so make sure you strive to be a good person EVERY day to EVERYbody.
Got this lecture last night from my parents.. man i have been bitter lately. Turning over a new leaf. I really don't want the bull I'm crushing on now to think this.
Should have listened to these with my most recent EX: 7,15,16,26
I did end up listening, but only after being too trusting, too forgiving.
A lot of these things I should read daily. I MEAN to do them, but sometimes you forget. Or you get so wrapped up in life, you don't see it. Think I'll be printing this out when I get near a printer. Daily affirmations..
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