Things I've learned about relationships (Page 2)

@Skykomish,

Firstly let me point out that I am probably the worst person in the world to take advice from but please try not to be bitter.

Yes, there are a lot of jerks/douchebags/azshats out there (however I thought I was the only chick involved with them.)(Maybe they get around or maybe there is more of them than I first thought!!!)

But just because you got involved with one of these (or two or three of them!) does not mean that the next guy you meet might not just be the nicest sweetest sexiest dude on the face of the earth and blow you away!!
*If it is TaurusGuy he probably IS the sweetest sexiest dude on the face of the earth🙂

I do not want you to miss out on meeting this great guy because you are wasting precious time and energy being bitter about aforementioned azshat/s. They do not deserve any more of your energy. Dammit. They are nothing.

Who were we talking about again?? nevermind, obviously no one important.



****I would be soooooooooooooooooo embarrassed if I got this lecture from the parents!!!!

@ReallyNice: Yes, that is very true.

Unfortunately, when a person has allowed those in the past to set the basis/standards for which they find other people, they'll either attract all the wrong people or find trouble with new people all to support their current bitterness.

Chances are, you won't find the "best" ones if you're seeking them at a time when you're bitter anyways. When your judgment is skewed, your results are skewed too.

So if a person is still bitter & yet still looking for love elsewhere, there probably IS a good chance that they'll keep attracting the same ole types they kept getting hurt by in the 1st place. When this happens, this only further gives validation & proof to the bitter person that "all guys/women are the same."

When 1 goes into dating/love with a refreshed/open mindset, they'll naturally attract different types than what they were attracting when they were bitter/scorned & looking.

Plus, people have to remember that there will always be bad people in the world. Every bad experience isn't meant to break us. Unfortunately, as a human species, we're designed to only learn from heartbreaking situations. If every guy/woman was perfect none of us would appreciate anything we have. Sometimes we have to be THANKFUL for the bad seeds; once we get a taste of what we DON'T like/don't deserve, it's easier for us to spot, seek, chase AND maintain the good seeds. The law of comparison isn't such a bad thing sometimes.

*nods*

After suffering really quite badly at the hands of a couple of "gentlemen" and finally having the guts to leave and start again all on my own ("friends" all sided with the guy who bashed me) I eventually came to terms with the fact that as an older person I had run out of time to meet my special person in life. I just shrugged and accepted my aloneness.

It was on a night that I took myself out for a couple of drinks that I spotted one handsome creature...cursed myself for not having gotten all dressed up to go out, almost no make up on ...ugh.
Well HE spotted me and took me aside and we just clicked and it was that rocket/fireworks stuff (for me anyway) that you see in movies!

Of course we are yet to discover if he feels quite the same way (is it possible for one person to feel a "connection" but not the other? Would that be a disconnect?) but he certainly acted like it.
It may be a game or whatever the players call it when they use someone and I may yet become the dreaded cat woman alone for all eternity but I will fight it all the way!

I don't thank the bad seeds that hurt me because I did not deserve the treatment they meted out. If I don't like somebody I don't have anything to do with them - I don't pretend to be their friend/lover/whatever and then crap on them when they least expect it.
I had hoped karma would do something about them for me but it hasn't. So maybe instead of doing something grievous and hurtful to them it might like to do something nice for me? we'll see...

@RNAP,

I agree that you did not deserve to be treated the way you were treated. Although I am not aware of the situation, I think the point that K7 was trying to relay was that even though you had a bad experience, try looking at that as a LEARNING experience. Maybe that experience happened to teach you something about yourself that you may have not known.

"Maybe that experience happened to teach you something about yourself that you may have not known."

....that no one will care about me if a guy bashes me?
Well yes indeed I have learnt that one.

If I was having a bad day I could say that I learnt that no one cared about me at all, but I kinda like to think I have found someone that does care so I am happy holding on to that for the moment.

It could have taught me that all guys are violent abusive lying arseholes. Well I don't think they all are. (Or maybe I am just a slow learner and I will learn next time it happens.)

What exactly SHOULD I learn about myself from having my head smashed into a concrete wall and being throttled—

Um.....don't smash your head into a concrete wall if you don't want a headache?

Or...Why smash your own head into a wall when you can smash the girl-who-is-paying-your-rent's head.

Domestic Violence is not a joke if it has happened to you. Certainly glad to see it gives you the shits and giggles.
Maybe you will be on the receiving end one day. Look forward to reading about your revised attitude about it.

RNAP,

I apologize if I came across as insensitive. I misinterpreted the context of your statements. :/

Yeah.. I dont think all guys are evil abusive assholes. I learned a lot from my ex, and I thank him for the lesson (while ensuring he never comes near me again). I'm being more careful now than I was.. which is probably a good thing considering I'm the type to jump and then look. I appreciate Aries pov (and its nice to talk to another victim of DV), and I do know that being bitter is a waste of time and energy. I think its more that I'm bitter I'm stuck 1000 miles away from where I want to be for 5 weeks than that I'm especially bitter about men in general atm. I am a true believer in the good in people. Being somewhere I *HATE* being kinda put me in a pissy mood. Plus I went off my depression meds (had to try it), and it appears to have been a bad idea. No smart ass remarks please, its a genetic disease and I have some stories that will make your blood run cold of things I've gone through also. So anyways. I really truly am turning over a new leaf, I realized that my parents were right. And yes, it was embarrassing as HELL to hear that from them. But... well at least I heard it. I guess I needed to, because in 2 days I have really turned around my outlook.

And.. its not TaurGuy.. though he is smokin' lol. But my Bull has a really similar chart from what I've discovered about TaurGuy 😉 I'm thinking the Bull I'm interested in is probably the first "nice" guy I've ever really liked. Scorp/Sagg likes to play with fire.. but now I got burned and I think I'm done playing with fire.

Wow I wrote all this *before* I read krysrenee's post. Guess I'm on the right track lol.

Ah. Lessons I've learned from my psycho ex..

1. Criminal history is there for a reason. Pay the fuck attention to it.
2. Do not date men who live with their parents. There's a reason. See #1.
3. In the beginning, it should be all nice and flattery. If its 'you'd look good IF' thats a red flag. See #1.
4. He hits you once, its going to happen again. See #1.
5. Listen to your friends. They know better than you do sometimes.
6. Set your boundaries going IN. And stick to them. There were a lot of things I never even considered. Now I know, NOBODY has the right to hit me, insult me, abuse my dog, look through my phone and email, etc etc.
7. The way he treats total strangers is very telling. If he goes and hacks and deletes someone's facebook and email, he is not a good person!!!
8. It is not your job, nor CAN you, change someone or make someone change. You are not his saviour. You are not his psychologist. You cannot heal him. These are all things he must do on his own, before he can be in a relationship. Don't waste your time and energy.

So yeah, this only lasted 2 months. It was not a long term thing, but it was life changing. It didn't take me long to learn these lessons.

I realize a lot of those things seem verrrry obvious. But they were things I didn't know I didn't know.

Your are the new genius for 2011 ...brillant!

@sky.....he abused your dog—? give me the fucker's address.

I got screamed at and I mean bellowed at and called a CU-- once for putting red wine into spaghetti sauce....helloooo - I am Italian - you would think I would know what goes into a sauce!!

Anyway...I have learnt my lesson. (I just eat take out now.)

@aPiscesPrincess

"That's sad you had to go through that I had a similar situation before too.. I know how it feels and how it hurts not only physically but emotionally too."

Well you did not deserve that crap either. where are all these buttheads coming from?

Rule 20. THESE GUYS WILL NEVER GET IT UNLESS SOMETHING IS DONE TO THEM - they just move on to the next person and fuck up their lives as well as the last girl.
They all need to be branded with a big V on their foreheads (V for violent fucking azshole) because their friends won't tell you what they are like and the guy himself sure won't. We are scarred for life - it's only fair that they are too. I am Aries. I like things to be fair. (Things seldom are.)

By some miracle I met a lovely chap and when we first met I had to be careful not to overreact to little things that happened because of previous occurences. I had to take myself aside and say "chillax - this guy is not like those other azsholes." And now it's is all fine.

Rule 5. Of course that doesn't mean that I won't get hurt if he decides I am not the one. I have put my heart and soul into making this thing work. (So I am putting in the appropriate % % ).
I know what Horrible feels like, so if this feels like the Very Very Best That Could Happen I am not sure where I would go if it all crashes and burns.

I don't want this guy to be
Rule 4. - here to show me what real love would have felt like if I hadn't wasted all that time in the azshole department and now I am too old to have it for real.

Yeah. He picked her up by her collar, choking her, and then kicked her across the room into the wall so hard she couldn't open her eyes for an hour. Mind you, she's a 50lb dog. His address? County Jail, Laramie Wyoming. Never fuck with a scorpio.

And.. Theleoman, you are an asshole. Just hope you realize you just made that very clear to everyone on this board. I already know I was stupid, you didn't need to rub it in.

Should this be "Things I've learnt about relationships?"


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♥

im talking about the OP who posted this ! ...brillant!

Posted by Skykomish
Yeah. He picked her up by her collar, choking her, and then kicked her across the room into the wall so hard she couldn't open her eyes for an hour. Mind you, she's a 50lb dog. His address? County Jail, Laramie Wyoming. Never fuck with a scorpio.

Man I hope he gets it in the shower every morning from the cell block football team. No Lube.

@Sky...very true! Sometimes we learn the most valuable lessons about love/dating from some of the most shortest relationships. Not everybody has to be married & divorced 3 times before they finally learn and/or get wise. Sometimes it's those 6 week or 2 month relationships that can teach us the most.

And sometimes it doesn't take "5 years later" for us to see those "red flags." Sometimes, those red flags are apparant from day 1! Not everybody is good at concealing what they wish to keep hidden (forever or atleast for awhile).

If a person knows exactly what to look for, it usually won't take 10 years later for them to figure out that their partner/spouse was a raging alcoholic or abusive partner. There's always clues & signs. But sometimes we can have our heads so stuck in the clouds that we miss them (sometimes purposely). It's not a matter of whether or not those red flags were there the whole time. No, it's usually just a matter of when we decide to take the blinders off.