Trying to understand a man interested in me who...

I've been dating this guy for a while (i.e. about 5 months) who is very attentive, educated, polite etc. We live in different cities, so we can't meet like every day. We didn't get to know each other sexually, because I feel unprepared right now, I need time to know him more. He respects my wishes and seems to cope with them. But the other night I asked him if he was seeing someone else, and he confessed to have met and currently "occasionally" seeing a "**** buddy" (for over a month and a half) once in about 2 weeks. I was glad he told it straight in my face, but in the back of my mind I couldn't refrain from considering this thing as being superficial, odd... Even the calm, detached tone he used made me feel awkward...anyway, it gave me mixed feelings. I could never do that! Now, how in the world am I going to know if this has truly ended or not, once we get to know each other better? Would I even want this relationship to become more than it is? I can't understand this because it never happened before... I could, probably, if I were a guy...

i don't know about u but i'm all about open communication. it's been a good 5 months now so u should be able to bring these topics up. tell him how YOU feel and don't place blame or focus on him and his behavior. talk about it in a matter-of-fact tone, not emotional whininess. almost like ur getting down to business. just bring up ur concerns and be real. i'm sure u'll be able to tell what's going on by gauging his reaction/response. hope this helps!

yes, thank you!

Hmmm, good advice. Here is a different angle. It may seem a little rude, but I'm going to put it out there in case it hasn't been considered.

He is a guy. And it has been 5 months. And he hasn't gotten any from you... Maybe you see where I'm going with this.

Anyway, the point about talking is definitely a good one. I would be up front about what your expectations are sexually for the relationship. How long you intend to wait, etc.

Good luck.

Got to agree with ^^^^^ Dy

Wot he couldn't wait for you or wasn't that into you so he had a fling on the side? That's a sign of weakness right there and a warning that "if you dont put out when I want I'll go elsewhere...." to be honest, fuck that attitude!!! Find someone that thinks you're worth the wait and make sure this guy knows his mistake!!!

lol

Women these days ... I swear.


He's a dude ... if you aren't fucking him, he will find someone who will.


He's not a girl, you know, lol

^^^^ Given that alot of guys are like this BUT not all and it just takes weeding through the duds to find someone special that is willing to give a little more of themselves and be classy enough to wait!

well, I was open to him about this, and said that if we were to be together I want to be the only one. And he said he is not prepared... Helloooo?!?!? Ok then, let's throw a harem instead.
Now I'm trying to get over it, but there he is: texting, emailing, calling, "I think it's a gift that I met you", etc. I don't want to be rude and ignore him completely, we ca still be friends. But I'm confused, anyway...

Very true Dy but that's only when you have that opinion of yourself...that you need a quick fix or you need to give it up so as not to remain on the shelf!! Patience is a virtue and all good things come to those who wait! These sayings have alot of depth...unlike alot of people!

Rheea, you've laid it on the line and if he cant step up to the mark, how can you go on being friends or why would you want to—

Because he is a good person!?!—

Seriously, if you wanted a relationship with this person and he isn't ready or willing why stick around to watch him fuck others when he pleases or get more attached and risk getting more involved and hurt...he's not going to change until he's ready and has met the person that is right for him.

Sweethearts, you are sooo right! Being hurt is what I don't want to feel!
He is indeed a great person - he has the things ad traits that I lack - but I just think it's not for us here...
And why am I analyzing this so much— 🙂)) Feel like a teenager... I should just move on. It would be a lot easier if he wouldn't contact me at all. Because I merely do.

honestly, 5 months? that's a very long time to be patient and wait for sex. I understand you wanting to wait, but reason is that you're "unprepared" and want to get to know him better.

The thing is, if you're hesistant to be sexual with him and if you consider yourself a sexual person, then you have to ask yourself "why?" I would guess that it's because your instincts are telling you something important about this guy.

However, if you've never been a very sexual person, then far be it from you or anybody else to judge what this man values in a relationship. Perhaps, it is a very important element to him (as it is to many many people). He may need to "get to know you better" in a physical sense before he can commit to a monogamous, long distance relationship.

I just point this out because there seems to be a lot of judgement on this guy, this guy who's stuck it out for 5 months, doesn't seem like an animal to me. He DOES seem like a nice guy. A nice guy who just might place a lot of emphasis on the physical aspects of his relationships.

I know this nice girl does the same thing.

a lovely libra answer... I'm a libra myself 🙂 I do tend not to rush into things and like to look thrice before doing anything. Some may see it as being hesitant, others don't stand the test of patience. But sexually I tend to get wild...
But yes, my instincts tell me it's not going to work, starting with the distance ( I mean it's only 4 hours away) - and I've taken into consideration to move to his city, age difference (he is older than me), plus I don't trust him. Although we connect so well, especially mentally, and he has exactly the traits that I do not... I just don't feel the "lust" let's say to move further, I'd love to in a way - probably also curiosity, but it's not there yet...

"Now, how in the world am I going to know if this has truly ended or not, once we get to know each other better? Would I even want this relationship to become more than it is?"

You don't trust him? There's your own answer to your own question...

However, trust can be regained if the offending party is transparent, sincere, and willing to work for it.

5 months at a distance....how many times have they actually seen each other and hang out together 3 maybe 4 times and then the rest would probably be communication via the net or texting! Not enough time in some peoples lives to start to feel as they want to be intimate. Different story if they were hanging out every other day!

Anywho, maybe take a step back if you aren't feeling all the right feelings and focus somewhere else for a while. Be upfront with him that it's best that he doesn't contact you so regularly as you want different things...he may come to his senses and decide he wants to explore more or you may move on to something better...

well, we've seen each other 3 times a week during this period, dinner, shopping, walks in parks, etc 🙂 anyway, I'm going on a vacation for the next 2 weeks and shall see what I am going to do after I get back. Thank you for your answers here!!

Hi Rheea,

i have a similar situation. I have been seeing a man for 4 months and we have not even shared a kiss. There is no initiative from his part.
I consider myself a sexual person and I was already impatient to get to know him sexually. But it seems he is not interested or is waiting. We havent talked about that yet.

I have doubts, grounded doubts, that he is seeing a xxx buddy, the only difference is that he knew that woman before we met. We have a special connection, but it seems that his urges find gratification elsewhere. It can be the only way to explain his sexual disinterest in me.

I m currently on vacation and he is sending me messages nearly every day and it seems he wants to continue our dating thing after the holidays.
I think I will remain just friends with him and I wont pursue the flirt.

I might consider asking him if he has slept with that woman during our fling, but i think he has.

have a nice holiday!

Hello Gia!

Well, my situation is opposite, he's the one more "eager" let's say, and I'm the one who's prudent.

It also depends on our past (we may have been hurt before and we're now playing it more "safe").

The urges stuff - I don't get it! I call it superficial, yes, having that kind of easy come-easy go relationship while also being interested/dating someone else ... hmmmmm.... I could never do that, and maybe that's why I expect the person I'm with to not do that too - sounds narrow-minded in a way. But I only like to be 100% in a relationship or not to be in one at all, nothing in between...

But then, let's not just over-analyze stuff. You should talk/confront/communicate this with him. And if he'll be honest about it, good... Because once you get involved, you want to be the only one in your partner's life!

Thanks for the wishes and have a lovely vacation too!