What To Do When A Man Becomes Distant

Women are constantly wondering what to do when a man becomes distant. When a man appears withdrawn, no matter how hard you try to get closer to him, you often just feel as if things are just getting worse instead of better. However, there are some very definite steps that you can take that will draw your man closer to you instead of pushing him further away. And isn't this what you truly want to see happen?

So what is your best course of action when a man seems to be distant, inattentive, and withdrawn? Simply put, quite often our first instincts are to try to "talk" to our man about whatever is "bothering" him. So we begin to vocalize the dreaded sentence to a man, "We need to talk." This, quite honestly, makes him pull further away because he senses your neediness. Now, you may be thinking, what is needy about wanting to know what is wrong with him? The answer is not one that you might readily understand, but is one that you need to begin to embrace if you are going to draw a man in for the long haul. Anytime your feelings are contingent upon what he is feeling, then a man begins to perceive this as needy. In other words, if when a man becomes distant, you begin to feel anxious and insecure, he begins to think that your happiness is dependent upon his doing or saying certain things. This makes him feel obligated and, believe it or not, even trapped. I know, I know - it's hard to sometimes rationalize how simply wanting to talk about what is bothering him could make him experience these feelings, but unfortunately, that's exactly what happens.

So knowing all of this, what should you do? First, remain calm and peaceful and happy. This might seem easier said than done, but with a little practice, it is something that you can learn to do without much effort. Take your attention away from him and his issues and begin to focus on your life and what makes you happy. You have probably been so involved with him and the relationship that you have started ignoring some hobbies or friends. This is a good time to get back in tune with both your friends and your hobbies and start to feel like "yourself" again instead of someone who is constantly waiting to see what he is going to do.

If he isn't calling, isn't asking you out, and has basically stopped all contact, just let it be. This is tough, but is doable if you will just remain determined to let him work through his own issues. When a man becomes distant, don't text him or call him or ask him what is wrong. There is a time to express to him but not until he returns. And even though your biggest fear is that he is gone forever, most likely, he is not. Oftentimes, when a man becomes distant, it is one of the biggest compliments a woman can receive. If you have been seeing a man and everything has been going great but suddenly he becomes withdrawn, quite likely, he is trying to get his emotions back in check. When a man begins to care about a woman a great deal, he often pulls back so that he can regain control of his emotions. In other words, you have impacted him greatly and he feels somewhat out of control when he is with you. The only way he knows to regain control is to pull away from you. Most of the time, after a little distance, he will return. And the good news is, if you handle this period of distance effectively, he will be more in love with you than when he left.

This seems a little difficult to believe but men have verified this over and over and women whom have let him work through these emotional times on his own have often found that he returns always. Now the big question is after a man becomes distant, what should you do when he returns. This is the time that you are able to have a conversation that expresses some of what you feel.

There are actually two ways of dealing with his return, and your own particular situation will really dictate which method might be the most effective. If he has only become withdrawn for a short period of time and this is his first time doing so, and you have effectively waited until he renewed contact, then one of the best responses is to act as if you hardly even knew he was gone. This may be tough to do, but learn to "fake it until you make it." For instance, if he calls and seems somewhat apologetic and says something like, "I'm sorry I haven't called for awhile. I've been really busy with work, yada, yada, yada," then you need to say something like, "Oh, how long has it been? I've felt so excited lately with my new yoga class (or whatever you have an interest in) that I haven't had time to think about anything else." Then, just expand on this and tell him how great you "feel." Notice you are talking in feeling messages not thinking messages. This keeps you in your feminine mode.

Now let's say that a man has become distant and he hasn't contacted you for a month. After a while he calls and seems to think he can just waltz back in to your life as if nothing has happened. Or perhaps he has done this a time or two before. It is never acceptable for a man to play with your emotions, but we don't want to say this to him, we want to "show" him it is unacceptable. There are a couple of ways to do this.

First, you should not be available immediately when he does call. If he calls today, wait a day to two days before returning the call. If he calls and doesn't leave a message asking you to return the call, then don't. A missed call is just that-it is not a request for a return call. After waiting the appropriate amount of time to return his call, be happy when you talk to him. However, when he asks to get together, don't be available the first time and say something like, "I would have loved to go to the game with you on Friday, but I already have plans. How about we get together on Wednesday?"

When you get together, you might just simply say something like, "I don't want to make a big issue out of this, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when I don't hear from you for long periods of time. I feel unimportant and unappreciated when you do this. What do you think we should do?" You have not berated him for his actions. You have only stated how you feel. And, you have put the problem in his hands so he can "think" about a solution. Your job as a woman is to feel and his job as a man is to think.

Follow these simple steps when a man becomes distant and you will find that he begins to be much more open and talk to you about many things in his life. As tough as these steps may seem in the beginning, they are well worth it when you experience the results brought about by such actions.

http://ezinearticles.com/?What-to-Do-When-a-Man-Becomes-Distant&id=2567249

Here is the male perspective:

http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com/not-letting-distant-non-committal-men-drain-you<BR>

^ Indeed. *passes out flushable wipes*

I dunno, man... I'd rather speak about my problems with another guy, or at least a woman who can think BOTH like a guy AND a girl, since these types are more objective.

Way I see it, I don't wanna talk about it if all you wanna do is talk about it.

Some peeps are so bent on becoming a"rock" they actually forget that with dudes there is that belief that in opening up and talking about a problem there is the goal of reaching a solution afterwards.

In other words, sweet nothings ("It'll be all right" blah blah) are just that: sweet nothings.

Would rather have a dude call me a p**sy. Make me hike my balls up and sh** and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I believe that when a man is distant that the best thing is to leave them alone. Find things to do and date. The more you go after him whether it is the phone, email, texting, etc - the more they are likely to think you are not in control of your emotions - Most particularly if you are asking them what is wrong, or accusing them or anything that would put them on the defensive. It doesn't take much to put them on the defensive.

Think about it - if you even had a friend who acted that way (bothering you) wouldn't you try to avoid them? Take a break and do some things that you enjoy and let it go. Chances are he will wonder after awhile what you are doing and how come you can just go on with your life and forget him.

You are a special person and don't forget it! Special people don't need other people to feel special.

I have a guy-friend who I had a heated discussion with and although I wrote him one email afterwards, the email was without emotion. I did not accuse him, or make any references to what he did or didn't do. He had misunderstood something I had said and the conversation got out of control - I honestly didn't understand what the argument was about but stumbled around and finally got frustrated. I wrote the email 2 days later to present what my statement had meant. Maybe an email to a sweetheart like that could be in order if you are cooled off - but to bug him or expect something from him....not cool. NEVER sound or present yourself as desperate or clingy.

Ahhh... Rori and Christian 🙂

What YaMama posted is actually pretty close to perfect. It just happens to be counter-intuitive to what we women have been taught and THINK is the way to deal with these happenings. The only thing I would change is the "wait to return calls" thing. Don't jump on the phone the second it rings like we did as teenagers, but don't play the "waiting" game either... games SUCK, and will backfire. Game players GET men, but rarely KEEP them... unless you're actually too busy and tired in your life to call right away.. in which case, that in itself WOULD be absolutely perfect. (It keeps a man who is waffling in indecision from getting triggered by your "neediness" and "over-availability" and will draw him closer.) But it can never be a GAME, it can only ever be for REAL, or it will blow up in your lying, faking face! Also, I would wait for HIM to ask for another date in place of the "can't make it Friday date" or for him to ASK you what other time might work better. I wouldn't OFFER another date unasked. (And it better be real and truthful that you can't make it and already have plans. Again, this is NOT about lying, faking, or playing games in any way, shape, or form. This is about getting busy with you and your life, finding and doing things that make/keep YOU happy and content, and not putting it on HIM to create YOUR happiness and balance!)

Believe me, this works. Even with the King of Indecisiveness and Hot and Cold Behavior, the Libra Male! 🙂

"When you get together, you might just simply say something like, "I don't want to make a big issue out of this, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when I don't hear from you for long periods of time. I feel unimportant and unappreciated when you do this. What do you think we should do?" You have not berated him for his actions. You have only stated how you feel. And, you have put the problem in his hands so he can "think" about a solution. Your job as a woman is to feel and his job as a man is to think."

I have actually done this with a guy that disappeared not in the same exact way but now I can't get rid of this dude LOL! He won't leave me alone, not in a bad way though but I'm not available but at the time when I was available I let his ass have it...Just have to put it out there sometimes, can't really lose a guy you never had in the first place.

Everyone made some really good observations especially Kris, Nefer and DY....Just flush it if you really weren't that heady over the guy in the first place if he's really someone you want to know then you must be able to express yourself in a way that doesn't make everything seem hard, this will keep from triggering his stay single emotions, as for the whole calling thing I have to say I would go with Christian's advice, yet I have to agree with Nefer game playing works short term, I'm not into the whole gaming behavior.

Men love sports...strategical well thought out sometimes bizarre sports...games are effective, I don't play them but whose to say they don't work, they do work if done effectively/right.

Although I am 100% for women not putting in all the work and/or doing all the chasing when a man starts to act up, I AM however very big on communication. Sure, sometimes it seems like the best move to just pack up & walk away when the man starts to act wishy washy; and hey, sometimes that is the best policy, IF the man & the relationship/friendship you had with him wasn't going anywhere in the 1st place. BUT, what about married couples? What about those in very solid relationships? Even good men have "their moments/days" when they are confused and/or become distant, & often for reasons other than their girlfriends. Encouraging women to walk away during this time during the relationship is not always the best policy, b/c communication is even MORE important during this time, when it comes to keep the relationship held together.

Sure, we see the every day situations where the girl is chasing the guy & doing a little TOO much to keep the guy around when he clearly doesn't see things as mutual. In this case, I would still encourage communication, BUT if effectively communicating with him is still not changing things, THEn it's quite obvious that someone in the situation (the woman) should leave. BUT, there are also some solid relationships with 2 people in them who are human & who aren't perfect just b/c they enter into a relationship. It all depends on why the man is being wishy-washy in the 1st place. If him being distant is always a hurdle a couple can't ever get over, then yes, leave the relationship. BUT, for the 1st timers that experience such a behavior in their boyfriends/spouses comes about, running like hell isn't always the best choice, especially considering you'll never know how things could've turned out had the woman just sat, been patient & thought about effective ways to communicate with her man.

It's not always about finding out what's wrong. Just b/c a woman might not know in 5 minutes what's wrong with her man, doesn't mean she should throw a tantrum & leave him. 1st she must try to identify why she thinks the man is being distant in the 1st place. If it possibly has to do with her, she should atleast stick around long enough to try to find a solution and/or see if the situation is savable. And hey, if it's not, by all means move on. BUT, if it is (and is usually is--if women would just calm down!), we'd be surprised at how many more relationships last a lot longer.

I'm not saying a woman should accept being ignored and/or pushed away, BUt I AM saying that women should treat her man in situations like this the very way she'd want to be treated. How many times do we women have mood swings and/or times when we just want to be left alone? Of course, when we are like this, we justify our moods & our actions behind our moods, in our heads. And during this time, we HOPE that the man we are with will somehow understand and/or stick it through with us until the storm has finally passed. It's amazing that women expect for men to put up with our bull but yet when the tables are turned, women are encouraged to run like hell the minute someone ELSE is acting a certain way, just b/c it's him and not her acting up this time.

Communication is key to every relationship. Just like with women, sometimes men are acting distant b/c they are scared, or b/c they don't know how to handle a situation. And even better, sometimes they are dealing with problems much bigger and/or with things that have NOTHING to do with his woman. For example, if a man just lost a family member/friend, he might pull away a little & distance himself from his woman. Sure, it sucks for the woman b/c her 1st instinct is to be there for him and/or prove herself during times like that. BUT, sometimes women get so self-absorbed that they forget about what's best for the MAN in certain situations, even if that means her acknowledging that her man might not handle certain situations in the way she would.

Whereas women are sometimes taught to stay in the situation & fight to the end, men are sometimes taught to remove themselves from the situation so that they can have their space and/or for whatever reasons. And particularly for the men who distance themselves for OTHER reasons (not their girlfriends), I don't think it's best to pack up & leave at this time. Sometimes a man DOES need his woman to show patience & to stick around..sometimes he DOES plan on coming back into the zone & explaining himself, BUT it may not be on her terms or in the time she feels he should. Either way, it all comes down to fully getting to know someone so that him being distant in certain situations shouldn't be a surprise, but moreso something she expects during certain times. Once she expects it, she can better prepare for it. And if she's with the right guy, he'll be back & give her even more of his heart after he sees the patience she had for him

Ya u could do all of that. I prefer to just dump his a $ $ and watch him come running.

Well if I make up my mind to leave someone high & dry, that decision is final. Screw all the cat & mouse games. What are we, 5 yrs. old? If I have to come to the conclusion that someone is no longer right for me, I could care less WHAT they do or who they come chasing after once it's all said & done. I can't necessarily stop the other person from running after me again, BUT one thing's for sure..I def. won't be "waiting" for the other person to come back.

My policy: If you can't handle someone not being in your life, then try to make sure that you never let them get away in the 1st place. And if your partner can't communicate their issues with you & feel the need to leave the relationship, then they can STAY GONE. I don't have times for hide & seek & all the personal validation games that people play after friendships/relationships are over. It's best to try to work all issues out before the relationship is over. And if the other person has to run like a chicken, then they are not right for me b/c it shows they lack basic communication (as uncomfortable as it can sometimes be) skills. And lack of communication (ESPECIALLY during tough times) is what strips the relationship of what made it worth it in the 1st place. Once a person chickens out, I allow them to run & stay gone.

If I'm giving someone space, it's b/c I feel it's best for them vs. only giving them space as a means to play a mind game where purposely doing so will trick the other person into running back to me. I want a man to come back to me b/c he sees me worth it, not b/c I've purposely given him space or said specific things for my own selfish reasons. Breakup just to makeup is NOT cute & it's not ideal. I encourage trying everything possible before ending the relationship (squashing unfinished business). And if the relationship is not workable, then BREAK for real (breakup). Time is too precious & limited for mind games

It's this simple. Men tend to distance themselves if the woman is coming on too strong, if the relationship is moving too fast, if he is not that into the woman, or if he simply does not want to be in a relationship. It could be a combination of any of these things or just one of them. To me, it does not matter why. Women bogg themselves down with the who, what, when and whys. The fact is that he is distancing himself. Unless the woman is chasing the man away, she should not concern herself with why. Like Tiki said, tell him that it does not feel good when you dont hear from him and ask him for his opinon. After that leave it alone. Dont make him responsible for YOUR feelings or your discomfort. Dont make him responsible for your happiness. It is not a man's job to make you happy. That is your job. Feel the initial emotion. Share it with him and see what he says. You have let him know about your discomfort but have not accused him of anything or made him feel as though it is 9-5 to make you feel complete with calls and conversations. You have simply let him know what you are feeling inthat very moment. Now its up to him. Get on with it. Dont call him, dont sk a million and one questions. Allow him the opportunity to work through or not work through whatever is going on. In the meanwhile live your life. If he comes back acting right great, but keep living your life. If he doesnt, then you know the deal. Either way, allow yourself to feel the emotion in that moment. Do not deny it or act like everything is all good. Communicate it in a healthy way. Then throw it away. Dont wallow. We women are good at identifying, suppressing, then finalyl blowing up and making the man feel like he is responsible for her whole life story. Then we wallow. Lol.

However, I am a FIRM believer that if a man wants to be with a woman (unless there are some wierd circumstances involved) he will be with that woman. He will not chance her getting away. ESPECIALLY, if she has presented herself as a woman who is happy with or without someone else. Furthermore, if she has presented herself as the prize. If she has presented herself as a hot prospect that just might get away if he decides to play games. If he wants her, he wont let a woman like that get away.

Focus on you and be happy with your life! We only have one life to live. No readmission. Live it and love it! 🙂

This is 1 of those topics that has a GREY area. This topic isn't black/white

For every 5 girls who pushed a man away by not following this advice, there are another 10 girls who drew him in closer by not following this advice.

Circumstances, personality, timing & how deep the connection even is, plays a big factor in this.

A man who was never really into you to begin with won't be any more into you tomorrow just b/c you decided to back off & follow this advice. A man that you've only known for 2 weeks is most likely to be turned off by the "we need to talk" phone call moreso than a man you've been dating for 6 months would be. A man who really is truly falling in love with you will be a lot less judgmental of you feeling abandoned than the guy who just likes you.

So many things play a factor in the results you get. I'm against women suffering in silence & keeping their feelings to themselves b/c doing so implies that her feelings are minimal & don't matter until a specific moment (when he comes back). That's not true. And I get that women want a man & don't wanna be single, but suppressing who you are/how you feel & making him way more important than yourself is certainly NOT the best way to get AND keep a man.

There are just as many men that are turned off by the fact that you DON'T/WON'T speak your mind as there are men who will see you speaking your mind & use it against you. Sometimes a man tests a woman to see if she will speak up when he's done something that he already knows is offensive. It's the tone (defensive, accusatory, angry, etc.) of her words that is most likely to turn him off, moreso than the actual words she's using.

So it all just depends.

"Anytime your feelings are contingent upon what he is feeling, then a man begins to perceive this as needy. In other words, if when a man becomes distant, you begin to feel anxious and insecure, he begins to think that your happiness is dependent upon his doing or saying certain things. This makes him feel obligated and, believe it or not, even trapped. I know, I know - it's hard to sometimes rationalize how simply wanting to talk about what is bothering him could make him experience these feelings, but unfortunately, that's exactly what happens."

That's a good point isn't it. Certainly justifies "leaving the man alone" for a while and working through your own shit.

"So many things play a factor in the results you get. I'm against women suffering in silence & keeping their feelings to themselves b/c doing so implies that her feelings are minimal & don't matter until a specific moment (when he comes back). That's not true. And I get that women want a man & don't wanna be single, but suppressing who you are/how you feel & making him way more important than yourself is certainly NOT the best way to get AND keep a man.

There are just as many men that are turned off by the fact that you DON'T/WON'T speak your mind as there are men who will see you speaking your mind & use it against you. Sometimes a man tests a woman to see if she will speak up when he's done something that he already knows is offensive. It's the tone (defensive, accusatory, angry, etc.) of her words that is most likely to turn him off, moreso than the actual words she's using."

More good points. Nothing good comes of repressing those feelings, but it's all in the timing and tone isn't it...

Usually when a guy I've been seeing starts to distance himself and ignore me I just let him be and assume he's bored and wants to do his own thing so I let him. Nothing I can do about someone else's feelings. It hurts sometimes but I have no control over it so I accept it and occupy myself with things to move on. If they come back sorry but I'm not as close as I once was because he left. I've been asked why I'm so cold. Really? You left. Buy a clue. I don't need people in my life but when anyone leaves that's a breaking of trust to me. I don't matter so why should I care about that person anymore? I don't nor have I ever played games. When my feelings are played with the door is over there. Bye.

when someone becomes distant, you do the same

everyone always talks about actions speak louder than words

mirror the action and forget about the words

mirror the action and forget about the words





I get that, but not sure I agree...the words are important sometimes. We all need to hear them, men and women. Reaching out is a good thing sometimes.

Sometimes there's a time to speak up & let your feelings be known b/c the goal is to make sure that you're not turning into the kind of woman who suffers in silence.

And other times, women get nervous, try to gravitate towards a man & pull him back in closer b/c she thinks doing so will somehow give her back the control that she's starting to think she's losing. And in cases like this, it does appear that a man loses interest and/or becomes more distant after a woman does this. It's not that speaking her mind is what went wrong. It's that she's sub-consciously doing it with the intent on feeling like she has a control that she never will & shouldn't ever have.

When a person doesn't respond to you, it's b/c they don't want to be bothered. It's b/c they don't want to talk to. That doesn't mean that they hate you, no longer like you or that they're playing games with you. Everyone has had that 1 moment when they just didn't want to be bothered! And there's nothing worse than wanting some space & yet here comes somebody still pounding on the door, begging for your attention! It's so annoying & just makes you want to further isolate yourself!

If a man becomes distant, let him. Why? B/c there's no amount of screaming, "talking," expressing of her feelings or analyzing too death that will change his mind if space is what he really wants in the moment. And if something is out of your control, don't try controlling it! Either accept that this is his way of rejecting you OR accept that he's not rejecting you as a whole but just needs some space! Either way, just endure whatever feelings your intuition is telling you

The most annoying feeling in the world to me is when I need space for my OWN personal reasons & yet someone keeps calling me as if their 55th call will make a difference or make me somehow suddenly not need space anymore. When I say/act like I need space, I mean it! The worst thing you can do to me at that moment is to whine, complain & make it about you!!! Some people need 50 feet, damn!

I agree. You just have to know the dif, one other time I have heard this same debate about texting, calling,leaving men alone etc. and there was a guy in on the conversation and you know what his reaction/comment was to the whole disussion??

JUST CALL US, DAMMIT!!

I think their point relates to putting in equal effort. If one person is doing all the work, then things have become unbalanced. Tiki and Natural25 made some good points.

"When you get together, you might just simply say something like, 'I don't want to make a big issue out of this, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when I don't hear from you for long periods of time. I feel unimportant and unappreciated when you do this. What do you think we should do?' You have not berated him for his actions. You have only stated how you feel. And, you have put the problem in his hands so he can 'think' about a solution. "

This is a good example of calm thinking about someone going distant.

She also said, "Just flush it if you really weren't that heady over the guy in the first place if he's really someone you want to know then you must be able to express yourself in a way that doesn't make everything seem hard, this will keep from triggering his stay single emotions"

This is a good example of all the options in the scenario really. No one's saying you can't address your feelings or attempt to talk, but it's in timing and approach combined with what you would like to achieve.

It's unfortunate, but sometimes people just walk away for whatever reason and it's important not to take it personally and go on with your life. Sometimes other things take up our head space, whether it's work, a personal problem, or interest in someone else. We are accessible 24/7 but that doesn't mean available.

Good points from Natural25 "It's this simple. Men tend to distance themselves if the woman is coming on too strong, if the relationship is moving too fast, if he is not that into the woman, or if he simply does not want to be in a relationship. It could be a combination of any of these things or just one of them. To me, it does not matter why. Women bogg themselves down with the who, what, when and whys. The fact is that he is distancing himself. Unless the woman is chasing the man away, she should not concern herself with why."

"Dont make him responsible for YOUR feelings or your discomfort. Dont make him responsible for your happiness. It is not a man's job to make you happy. That is your job. Feel the initial emotion. Share it with him and see what he says. You have let him know about your discomfort but have not accused him of anything or made him feel as though it is 9-5 to make you feel complete with calls and conversations. You have simply let him know what you are feeling in that very moment."

That is so true.

"Focus on you and be happy with your life! We only have one life to live. No readmission. Live it and love it!"

Exactly 🙂

Well actually the fact that we now have 1,000 ways to communicate with others (vs. just 2 ways back in the day) makes someone's lack of communication with you MORE significant.

If a person has skype, text messaging, a landline phone, email, Facebook, etc. as a means to contact others, the fact that none of these resources are being used speaks higher volumes b/c the excuse can no longer be that they're not contacting you b/c they couldn't get a hold of you.

Women have a right to feel confused, rejected or disappointed when a man becomes distant. BUT she also has a right to use her intuition & common sense. Common sense tells you that if he's distant temporarily or only once or twice, that's 1 thing, but if it becomes a pattern, it's up to HER to have the street smarts to know to run, not him.

If it's gonna kill you to sit at home jumping to conclusions, over-analyzing & "guessing" then just F'ing ask him! It's HOW you ask him that can push a man further away & not necessarily the fact that you asked him.

Just accept that if someone doesn't answer your calls/texts or respond to your repeated attempts to contact them, it's b/c they DO NOT want to talk to you. There could be 1,000 reasons!

If you call me, leave me a message, shoot me a text & see that I DON'T respond, it's b/c I don't want to talk to you right now! Doesn't mean that you personally did anything wrong or that I'll never get back to you (those assumptions are your insecurities talking & YOUR insecurities are not a man's problem)

I don't understand what the big argument is about. Distance means SPACE. And if someone puts distance b/w you two then that means that for some reason they need space! And when someone needs space, why not respect that? Any time you don't respect someone's need for space, it can become a problem or a turn off to the person who needs space, hence the reason some guys are pushed further away when a woman starts freaking out when he needs space! lol

Distance brings a woman's innermost insecurities & fears out. She has a right to have those insecurities, BUT she doesn't have the right to project them onto him or blame him for it. There are just as many women who wouldn't freak out if she didn't hear from her man in 3 days as there are women who would freak out.

If someone needs space, ask them with the intention of CONFIRMING that space/distance is what they need & if they say YES or don't respond at all, then Yes that means back up! Not respecting someone's wishes will always lead down a slippery slope for both people involved.

Posted by sunshine222

mirror the action and forget about the words





I get that, but not sure I agree...the words are important sometimes. We all need to hear them, men and women. Reaching out is a good thing sometimes.

Words are important to people who want to HEAR them. If someone is backing away, they don't want to hear words.

A guy who may be used to being with women who never required daily communication may not know or understand that not communicating with his new girl is bothering her.

Some women don't need as much as the next woman. Some women aren't as bothered by something as the next woman.

We have to keep in mind that every woman a man has ever dated has NOT been the same. They can't keep up & expect for every woman to want the exact same thing b/c we're all so different. So a man has no choice but to be himself & to communicate in a way that HE sees best & as often as HE wants to. And if he just so happens to care about you AND if you speak up & tell him what you like, he'll compromise.

But the silent suffering is not good. Neither is the temper tantrums some women throw when they don't get their way or when their guy has a life outside of her!

Posted by miha
i have always said that a man, as far as relationships are concerned, is the product of the women he has interacted with [from his mother to the latest gf]....

as we all are, as a matter of fact....

Exactly. When my best friend 1st started dating her now husband, they didn't speak every day. She was so confused, doubted his interested & even contemplated letting him go altogether. And she had all of these thoughts before she even gave it the chance to ask him!!!

She finally told him that him not calling her every single day was bothering her & he was shocked. He had no clue! Why? B/c all the girls he'd dated before her weren't bothered by it at all. In fact, in his other relationship, it was considered "normal" for him to be able to "skip" or "miss" 1 day of contact w/o being put in the doghouse b/c of it. And just b/c there are a lot of women who would freak out after not hearing from a man for 1 day doesn't mean that every woman shares that disappointment. It just so happens that her husband used to date the few women who didn't see the big deal.

So by the time my friend & her husband had "the talk," they were both looking at each other in confusion. She was thinking, how in the hell can you NOT see that not calling a girl causes her imagination to run wild?! And he was thinking, how in the hell does me not calling cause all of those crazy, racing thoughts? Relax woman! lol

On the flip side, when a man has been with enough women who consider lack of contact to = lack of interest, trust me, he'll get it together REAL fast & remember how women "perceive" distance the minute he's starting to feel the need to break away. If a man knows it'll bother you but yet still proceeds towards distance anyways, then YES, this is why some people give the advice that he's just not that into you. We have to remember that some men DO think before they do things lol and that some men DO know that their actions may not be taken so lightly by the woman. The principle is supposed to be that IF he truly cares for you, he will find a compromise within himself & find a way to keep himself AND you happy at the same time.

You have to take into account the standards of the women he's dated before you. Men have "comfort zones" too.

You have to take into account the standards of the women he's dated before you. Men have "comfort zones" too.

And that is why I think it's unfair to use running or automatically assuming the worst as a 1st resort when a man may not contact you for a day or 2.

You are perceiving his lack of calling you today as "distance" but that's just an ASSUMPTION. If he's at home having a good night with his boys, but still liking/loving you the same, he might be surprised to hear you throwing all of these accusations of "distance" at him when he finally contacts you b/c in his mind, he may have never perceived it that way.

He might consider 1 or 2 days of no contact to be "normal." He might be the kind of guy who says, "Oh she'll know when I'm not interested. If I don't call her for 2 days, I'm probably still interested. She needs to be concerned or get the hint when I disappear for 2 weeks." He's probably saying that b/c he wouldn't perceive 2 days lack of contact to be a big deal if the shoe was on the other foot! And if it wouldn't bother him, why would he have any reason to assume that it would bother you?

That's why it's important to tell him!!! B/c if you by chance met the 1 guy who considers it "normal" to go a day or 2 w/o contact, then you talking to him about it is you giving him the opportunity to show him how you perceive things. And once he knows how YOU personally perceive things (b/c all the women before you may have been completely different), THEN he will have no choice but to give you what you want IF he likes you ENOUGH. Big keyword was IF.

Posted by soultalk
@krysrenee7, very true, when a man knows how his actions are perceived and yet goes ahead and acts that way, then he is trying to show that "he is not that into you". Sigh, we get it but can't accept it. We women are so strong and intutive and yet this is one area where we try to avoid common sense.

Exactly lol The hard part though is finding out about the kind of girls/relationships he's used to so that you can learn a lot about him by default BEFORE he disappears, not after. Once the "after" comes, it's already over & that information is useless lol

Posted by virgodreamz
Ya u could do all of that. I prefer to just dump his a $ $ and watch him come running.

short and simple, just the way i like it. From my own experience, if your man is being distant, its because hes not that into you any more or hes cheating. either way, its time to move on.

What the hell is all this nonsense?

When either person pulls away .. the gig is up.

The experience that was of quality is finished .... you can't MAKE something happen that has left. The only thing you accomplish is heartache.


And most importantly ... what the fuck is up with people that they have to be told this?

Are there no brain cells present?

I agree with a day or two but a month go with what Arielle said. He's not interested.

when a man becomes distant......or goes the distance?



You want distance? Allrighty then! how far? That far? Ok. buh bye.

I said it before and I'll say it again...
depending on what happened between the two of you...sometimes the guy is p*ssed off and pouting.

Sorry ladies but its true...I have two brothers I grew up with and observed.

"PLS DON'T ASSUME"

We are confusing them as much as they are confusing us!!

If you are talking you meet someone at a bar, he asks for your number and doesn't call, that's different.

But other times trust me...he is ticked off or confused by YOUR actions.

say k bye

Posted by sunshine222
But other times trust me...he is ticked off or confused by YOUR actions.

probably true with men or woman.

what if it's the only person you have ever loved? or the only person you ever want to love? what about sticking with it till the bitter end? because of the bitter end? what if you try and try and try and try and sit on the couch with them until the cows actually come home and knock on the door? do you sit with them in silence and wait and wait and wait? Or when you do get a life of your own and you go out somewhere and they are mad because your not home sitting on the couch waiting for the cows to knock? when do you give up? and how do you give up? especially when you live together? or if you know this person is interested but just not capable, do you wait patiently or do you make a Gemini move and roll out? lol. sorry guys, just being silly. No sleep makes a Gemini extra crazy... Happy Holidays!!!

Posted by sunshine222
If you are talking you meet someone at a bar, he asks for your number and doesn't call, that's different.

But other times trust me...he is ticked off or confused by YOUR actions.

I have to agree. I had the guy I'm dating go distant on me so I mirrored his behavior because everyone and their damn mamma said to do the same. Turns out, he felt like I was getting distant and pulling back on him. He said he wishes I had something first, or addressed the issue.

My advice, address the issue and call him out. If you still see no change after that, THEN you mirror and begin moving on with your life.

If he becomes distant and I don't hear from him for awhile (a few days maybe; weeks/months--NO)...no excuses--he's done. I don't deserve to be treated like that. He most CERTAINLY wouldn't be sitting around pining for me to come back if I did it to him. Done deal.

If he becomes distant and I don't hear from him for awhile (a few days maybe; weeks/months--NO)...no excuses--he's done. I don't deserve to be treated like that. He most CERTAINLY wouldn't be sitting around pining for me to come back if I did it to him. Done deal.

Yeh so totally

Look if a guy is not contacting you its coz they dont like you and so never wait around for someone who doesnt like you, there are many more out there that do like you and will do what you expect of them and be more fun and more capable and all that, maybe the time has come and gone and its time to move on to something different and better than worrying about a man who will not contact you. Why are you putting yourself through this? You be out there doing your thing and getting on with life and making the most of it and you can then find someone who is more to your liking.

Oh yeh and its not always the way of a man isnt contacting you then he not interested theres other reasons forthis and you have to take into consideration these things and if you have and you feel he is not interested then go about and stop waiting around and go for it what you want to do

Its just that majority of times it means that the man isnt interested when he does not contact

I feel like this needs to be bumped. It's 5 years old, but several different good point of views. I wonder do people now agree with what's being said in here.

Double bump. This has a lot of good points and I think a lot of what was said on the first page just shows the difference between men and women... we push and they pull. A fear of loss makes people - women usually - desperate and that is easily picked up on.

This does apply to me as well. Just last month I asked a guy "where his head is" and he disappeared, yet again. I knew not to write it as I was writing it... lesson learned, yet again.