Relationships - a balancing act

In a dating relationship, I struggle to remain myself. At first I keep my distance and do my thing, everything is OK. But more months into it, I can't stop thinking about the other person. I want to spend all of my time with them and if that's not possible, I will spend all of my time thinking about them/us. I become completely addicted and put my life on hold.

I suppose in a new relationship it is normal, but it terrifies me how I lose myself like that. Feels like I lose my identity along with my sanity. I can force myself to keep a separate life, but it's not enjoyable when they're not all-involved. I don't feel healthy and whole and like myself being so co-dependent, but I don't know how to change. I can't seem to cut the addiction. It makes me want to run from a relationship and go through the heartbreak just to get myself back. I feel much better when single, but I love having an intimate loving bond with someone I trust and care about.

I've lived together with two guys in the past, few years with each, and I have never felt so miserable and depressed as I did then. Not because of them, but because of me. I need lots of space and time alone or I feel like suffocating and losing myself. Yet I do dream of sharing a house with someone special and having a family one day.

Right now I'm seeing someone who is giving me all the space I could ever wish for, but it only seems to make my heart grow fonder. I can't get my mind off of him and it is starting to negatively affect multiple areas of my life.

I'm wondering if you dear sags ever feel this way too and how you manage and cope. Maybe I am just too young (twentysomething) to understand how an established relationship can function and be healthy. I love dating but in so many ways it seems so against my very nature and I'm stuck in this paradox.

Sounds like you've been through just the same. I like how you point out self value. I think it might be in the core of the issue. I am in the process of learning to love myself more. As I value myself more, I seem to put my true wants and needs first more. Trying to wrap my mind around it..

Loving myself vs. loving someone else.. Which is the more selfish act, in my case I do not know. How to give oneself without giving away too much.

Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now helped me resolve my unhealthy (to the point of dangerous) thinking addiction. Are you familiar with it? I can't apply it to my relationships yet, but thinking about taking the concept of time and thinking mind out of those as well seems exciting and gives me hope.

I have my mars in sag and my neptune in cap.. I easily obsess over someone :/ meeeh

I think this is normal for most Sags, because it's rare that someone actually sparks our interest or intrigues us, so when that happens we desire to what to learn more about them which then makes us want to be around them. Plus I don't necessarily think we lose our identity it's just that when we love or care, we love and care wholeheartedly, there is no in between, we either like you or we don't. We do require our space and that's the tricky part because once we fall in love we become all lovey dovey, think about them constantly etc.. but at the same time require our space when we want it and that's not a relationship, we have to learn to compromise or find someone who truly understands that when we give our heart we give our heart and are incredibly loyal, but need out alone time. I mean I'm a social introvert and have discovered almost all my Sag friends and also social introverts, we love being around people and talking, but it can be draining at times and we require that alone time to recharge. I think once you understand yourself a little better you won't see it as a co-dependency.

Starlover: Thanks for the tip! I never actually read much about neptune. You sparked my curiosity, was interesting to learn more about it. My 7th house is empty, but my 5th house on the other hand is a bit challenged. I have sun, moon, mercury, venus, saturn, uranus, neptune and north node in it. I have a feeling that love and romance can never feel effortless and organic to me, but somehow I also enjoy the challenges. I try to see the positives of these placements and feel empowered instead of discouraged by them.

I didn't know of Stillness Speaks, I should get that one too. Thanks 🙂 I also listened through The Power of Now (twice, third round going atm..), I find Eckhart's voice so soothing, almost meditative!

AquaNextDoor: Mars in taurus and neptune in cap here.. All my 5th house placements except for the sun (so that makes it 7 I think) are in capricorn. I see you also have lots of cap in your chart! Which house(s) do your cap placements occupy? I also have leo AC and a leo lover like you 🙂

WWRunner88: I enjoyed reading your message, I feel the same way about everything you wrote. I also feel like it's very rare for someone to spark my interest and intrigue me. I agree there being no in between in liking/loving someone. Actually my whole personality seems to be like that, on or off. Everything is either black or it's white, there's no shades of grey. I hope aging will mellow me out a bit in that sense.

I share with you the social introvertedness. I love company, but at the same time being around people completely exhausts me and I need a lot of time to recharge on my own. Sagittarius in general is painted as such an extroverted sign, which it in my experience often tends not to be.

I do wish in time I could come to understand myself better. Feels like every day I discover something new about myself. Right now I'm trying to figure out what love is, or rather, what it means to me. What is loving myself and what loving someone else really is. I thought I knew the answers long ago, but have come to realize I am just as lost as everyone else.

The only thing I know for sure is that my life has meaning and value. I strongly feel like my life has some pre-determined purpose. Everything else is still in the air. I feel excited like it's still the spring time of my physical existence, and that thought gives me patience and somehow soothes me. At the same time I am restless and anxious to find answers and peace within me. Just reading my writing right now made me realize I need to return back to meditating and to the present moment after posting this message.. Sorry for all the rambling! So easy to get carried away through interesting comments haha.
I have a very long way to go with myself, I admit 🙂

Beautiful: I always love reading your comments, they are so full of great insights and wisdom. Thank you for being there. I don't even know you, but through dxp you give me a lot to think about which aids me with my most exciting journey, the journey into myself.

Thank you for the book recommendation, I started reading it today. So far it seems like the kind of a book I will enjoy. I like getting new perspectives on our condition(s). It's so easy to get stuck with one's own limited views. I feel like knowledge expands the walls of the little aquarium which is my mind. Before the expansion and new ideas planted into it, it's just the same little fish swimming inside in endless circles.. 😄

You write about backing off when our love is not reciprocated in order not to appear needy. This resonates with me so much reading it the first time made me cry. It also prompted a great internal conversation and realizations which I am grateful for.. I feel like showing and allowing one's emotions to flow freely or vulnerability in general, is considered as such a weakness in our world. All I ever wanted was to give my abundant love and feel loved in return. It can easily come off as neediness. I have scared many away in the past (kind of typical to sags, don't you think?), and it has left me feeling like there's something wrong with me. I have tried to deny this side of myself and harden myself because of the difficult reactions. With my current partner, I am almost icy and it makes me so sad, hence my emotional reaction to your reply. Having discussed emotions and being emotional with him, I am not sure if our relationship can continue, but I wonder if I'm being too black and white again. He's my best friend, but he views vulnerability as a great weakness. Needless to say, he hides all his emotions from me. As I am right now we work together fine, but I feel like my greatest need is to release the locked-away emotions - as if only then I can be myself and fully value myself for who I really am.

Now you write some really interesting things about giving love to the other person, in the context of nurturance and betterment of the other. I would like to ask you if think one should feel whole before giving generously from themselves, or if healing and becoming whole can come about through the act of giving. I have mixed views on this. If you have the time, I would like to know what you think 🙂

Beautiful: It is indeed so freeing to allow yourself mistakes. I also find just allowing myself to feel whatever it is I feel without guilting myself over the negative thoughts and emotions is healing.. but it's a continuous challenge, definitely.

Thank you for the encouraging words, lots of love to you 🙂 I apologize for rambling on so much. I keep forgetting how therapeutic writing can be! I have completely side tracked my own topic haha. Guess I'm allowed to!

When I was living with my ex Aries bff for six years. It wasn't a balancing act. Don't you know Taurus female is all about balancing a stable life. I couldn't do that with Aries.. because really Taurus may not know the logical steps of life because we just go by common sense in things..

so when shit hits the fan and shit is sneaky while you try to work 16 hour shifts, to pay bills and rent, and no one helps you, and is out poking his dick in everyone else.. you really think I'm going to open up my legs after the truth sets in and the inevitable is in your face.. it's supposed to be give and take.. nah

That's why now I have my own place and you should have your own place and meet up every so often to each other's places. Don't move in..or if you do have a separate account to save because if it doesn't work you can bounce and move in quickly.



Taurus/Aries living together simultaneously is hard.

Move out quickly. I didn't do that I kept trying to work it out. But I really do think age is important. The young ones aren't really thinking long term relationship. They still want to be exploring the unknown... We are the same age but I was more mature and responsible, loyal in my life than he was...I guess. Different mind sets are good and bad situations in the long run.

Posted by safire
... At first I keep my distance and do my thing, everything is OK. But more months into it, I can't stop thinking about the other person. I want to spend all of my time with them and if that's not possible, I will spend all of my time thinking about them/us. ... I love dating but in so many ways it seems so against my very nature and I'm stuck in this paradox.

With Moon, Venus and Mercury in your chart I recommed you to follow talks on the Cap board too.

I know we have a Cap woman married to a Gemini man. They have done everything together for about ten years. Recently the Gem man is bored of the game. He tries to go out without her and she cannot like it. I think they are about to divorce. Counseling did not help.

"He's my best friend, but he views vulnerability as a great weakness."
Another story is if your boy is giving you a hard time. Have you checked your synastry? Is he himself a cold one?

Check Pluto connections to him. Also your own Pluto/Mars/Opposition. I know the orb is about 10 but it can still be taken into account.

At the end of the day you are young, you would worry about everything. If you have emotions you worry, if you have none you worry. When I was young I was worrying why I had so much thoughts. Now I know I won't die from it.

Posted by FirstDecanTaurianWomen0428
When I was living with my ex Aries bff for six years. It wasn't a balancing act. Don't you know Taurus female is all about balancing a stable life. I couldn't do that with Aries.. because really Taurus may not know the logical steps of life because we just go by common sense in things..

so when shit hits the fan and shit is sneaky while you try to work 16 hour shifts, to pay bills and rent, and no one helps you, and is out poking his dick in everyone else.. you really think I'm going to open up my legs after the truth sets in and the inevitable is in your face.. it's supposed to be give and take.. nah

That's why now I have my own place and you should have your own place and meet up every so often to each other's places. Don't move in..or if you do have a separate account to save because if it doesn't work you can bounce and move in quickly.



Taurus/Aries living together simultaneously is hard.

Sounds terrible.. I'm sorry you've had to go through such experiences :/

I have my own place and I really like it here. I've gone through being homeless because of a breakup, never again I want that. Tough times, but I've gotten on my feet and now I can stand up tall on my own. It is going to take some serious falling in love from my part to want to move in together with someone in the future. I also value my freedom and space a lot so it's won't be a rushed decision. Done too much moving too, it sucks 🙂

Posted by safire
WWRunner88: I enjoyed reading your message, I feel the same way about everything you wrote. I also feel like it's very rare for someone to spark my interest and intrigue me. I agree there being no in between in liking/loving someone. Actually my whole personality seems to be like that, on or off. Everything is either black or it's white, there's no shades of grey. I hope aging will mellow me out a bit in that sense.

I share with you the social introvertedness. I love company, but at the same time being around people completely exhausts me and I need a lot of time to recharge on my own. Sagittarius in general is painted as such an extroverted sign, which it in my experience often tends not to be.

I do wish in time I could come to understand myself better. Feels like every day I discover something new about myself. Right now I'm trying to figure out what love is, or rather, what it means to me. What is loving myself and what loving someone else really is. I thought I knew the answers long ago, but have come to realize I am just as lost as everyone else.

The only thing I know for sure is that my life has meaning and value. I strongly feel like my life has some pre-determined purpose. Everything else is still in the air. I feel excited like it's still the spring time of my physical existence, and that thought gives me patience and somehow soothes me. At the same time I am restless and anxious to find answers and peace within me. Just reading my writing right now made me realize I need to return back to meditating and to the present moment after posting this message.. Sorry for all the rambling! So easy to get carried away through interesting comments haha.
I have a very long way to go with myself, I admit 🙂

Safire, do mind sharing your birth date? I'm not sure if how you're feeling will mellow with age, I only say that because of my own experience. If anything I feel like that feeling has become more intense. when I was younger I was much more detached and didn't verbalize my feeling but now I do verbalize my feeling and I've notice that I'm not very detached at all. I think I changed after I really experienced love. I think everything that your feeling is normal, it's just the fact that your actually feeling something that is overwhelming. I'm born in the second decant of Sag, so having emotions and feeling them are super overw

Posted by DwellingOnMove
With Moon, Venus and Mercury in your chart I recommed you to follow talks on the Cap board too.

I know we have a Cap woman married to a Gemini man. They have done everything together for about ten years. Recently the Gem man is bored of the game. He tries to go out without her and she cannot like it. I think they are about to divorce. Counseling did not help.

"He's my best friend, but he views vulnerability as a great weakness."
Another story is if your boy is giving you a hard time. Have you checked your synastry? Is he himself a cold one?

Check Pluto connections to him. Also your own Pluto/Mars/Opposition. I know the orb is about 10 but it can still be taken into account.

At the end of the day you are young, you would worry about everything. If you have emotions you worry, if you have none you worry. When I was young I was worrying why I had so much thoughts. Now I know I won't die from it.

I have actually never ventured to the cap boards before, maybe I'll take a peek 🙂 Good idea. Been actually avoiding it, lying to myself..

Sad about the couple.. I always wonder how couples make it through ten-twenty years, then suddenly decide to break up. As did they not see it coming or is it some kind of a mid-life crisis. It's hard to change the dynamics of the relationship if they've always been together like that, I can understand counseling not helping.

Yes he is indeed the cold one. Maybe that is why I am so attracted to him, the subtle distance and coldness. I feel like my neptune placement makes me quite disillusioned when it comes to the matters of the heart, I have hard time telling when I'm being mistreated. Well, it's all gonna be over now. Not because of me or him, but external circumstances. It is hard giving up on us like this, but it might be for the best. Not entirely sure if I'm any good for a relationship as I am right now.

Astrology wise, our compatibility issues are moon sq moon, moon sq uranus, moon sq neptune. I think those actually explain everything. Some unfavorable aspects with pluto as well, but nothing major there fortunately.

You write about worrying when young.. You're probably right about that. I am worried about the same thing as you were. You give me a lot of hope, as I have indeed thought I might die from it 🙂 Thank you for your words of wisdom, always enjoy reading your messages.

Posted by WWRunner88

Safire, do mind sharing your birth date? I'm not sure if how you're feeling will mellow with age, I only say that because of my own experience. If anything I feel like that feeling has become more intense. when I was younger I was much more detached and didn't verbalize my feeling but now I do verbalize my feeling and I've notice that I'm not very detached at all. I think I changed after I really experienced love. I think everything that your feeling is normal, it's just the fact that your actually feeling something that is overwhelming. I'm born in the second decant of Sag, so having emotions and feeling them are super overw

I'm in the third decan, in my mid twenties. I have a picture of my chart up in my profile, though hard to see everything from it, but still 🙂

Hmm really, you think so? It will be interesting to see how everything unfolds. I do feel like I have become more detached with age, but I am not sure if it is genuine detachment or just me trying to please and molding my behavior in accordance to someone's preferences. I think I wrote to BD that my biggest challenge is allowing myself emotional vulnerability and attachment, when I have been conditioning myself through the years to think those are qualities to be ashamed of. Also that whole losing myself -issue is there. That emotionality and the need to attach, though, I feel like are at the core of my being and a major part of me. I have gotten much worse at verbalizing how I feel as I have aged :/

I agree, love can change everything. It's like a new lease on life 🙂 Falling in love for one, but also the loving commitment to another that you make when the initial magic has already worn off. Love has shaped me in many ways, but so in turn has the loss of it as well. A balancing act, should I say! heheh. I am not sure if I love this man but I think I might and it scares me especially when I'm about to lose him.

you're welcome, safire.