Sag Man in a harmful committed relationship?

Hello,

I was hoping for some insight.

A very close friend of mine is a Sun Sag (I don't have his time of birth but I believe he's an Aries in Moon, Capricorn in Mercury, Scorpio in Venus, Mars and Jupiter). I have feelings for him which he knows about, however we remain great friends and can talk about absolutely anything freely. He's 100% loyal to his partner which I do think is admirable, and he doesn't often speak negatively of her (or anyone else for that matter. I've never known a more loving person). But, he's mentioned a fight and despite how badly he was hurt (and seemed to me he was in the right and she actively tried to hurt him), it seems like he's taken the blame for it - and it's a big one! Months later, he still made a mention of that fight to me (subconsciously I believe) so it obviously still hurts him despite accepting the blame. From chats it also transpires there's some attempt to erase his adventurous side when he's very much a free spirit - but some success of it too and I fear his wings clipped.

This is a very long-term committed relationship (about 20 years). I only know the Sun Sign of the woman (Virgo), we never met and I doubt she likes me though obviously he and I still meet and talk openly, but the truth is while he mentions his deep love for her and her being his life-partner, the other stuff he told me make me believe this can be quite harmful for him at times.

I'm not trying to separate them, I want him to be happy and if he's happy with her then he should be with her, but if it is otherwise, would it be something he'd admit to himself? to others? Or is he likely to let someone step on him?

I'd generally love any thoughts.

Well, you're never going to be impartial because you have a dog in the fight. You like him and with that said you know the outcome you want. Him to break up with her and finally see you as a romantic interest.

Tell him just that.

He's loyal and in a committed relationship and marriage. Maybe he is just trying to come to grips about the argument and trying to make sense of it. There's nothing more to it. He loves his wife and you are aware of that. There's not much that you can help with.

Remain his friend only. He's been with her 20 plus years, at this point it doesn't matter if he or she is a doorstep, they work with each other. When he's had enough he will leave, but since he is still in love with her, he will stick it out.

Just because he's trying to understand the big argument and see what went wrong, doesn't mean he's being stepped on. Maybe he ha some small part in the blow up that he regrets.

I have a Scorpio Venus and will just say this, if I'm in a relationship and you are supposed to be a friend and pull some type of feelings talk with me while I'm going through something, I will distance myself and practically break off the friendship.

I don't like someone sabotaging my relationship, trying to get their foot in the door while I need an ACTUAL friend.

Tread lightly on this.

While you may want something long term and can see how stable of a person he is. You are a different person and you're relationship would be different. He may not be the same in a relationship with you, that he has been with her.

What DMV said. Plus people tend to vent to their friends and you only hear the worst, not the best.

While your so concerned about helping him out of a 'harmful' relationship... the irony is this friendship is harmful to you. Your pining over a happily married man and settling for a friendship when you desperately want more. Pretty toxic situation. Your feelings for him will keep you from being open and available to someone who is actually single and could give you the romantic love your craving. Ah well.

You leave when it’s harder to stay then to leave. People have choices and sometimes they are harmful to them.. you have to decide you can’t live like this anymore in order to leave.. otherwise you stay in a 20+ year marriage. I’m sure there’s a lot of good too, otherwise he wouldn’t be there.

I love how you all read into me instead of the situation I asked about. Yes, I have feelings for him and he knows that but I'm not sitting and waiting for him. We're actually not even on the same continent now and the only reason I told him was to let it off my chest, he understood that, said it was brave, and we've been far closer friends since then and had far more intimate chats after. I mentioned the fact I have feelings for him here because I just wrote down the whole situation.

He just genuinely has been unhappy since the fight and has been behaving strangely generally, distancing himself from everyone. Only after I admitted my feelings for him he and I grew closer as friends again. So to the Venus in Sag here who said he'd run, err, he did the opposite. Possibly because he knows me better than you lot?

He tells me the good and he tells me the bad and in the last few months the balance has been tipped.

I just want him to be happy so I'll only be looking at replies here that understand that. This is why I came on this forum. I will never ever tell him to break up with her, it's nothing to do with me. I just wondered if Sags tend to stay even if they're hurting. And how a friend can be there for them if they are.

How do you know he’s been distant with ‘everyone’ if you are on different continents 🤔🤔

Posted by aniviel4

I love how you all read into me instead of the situation I asked about. Yes, I have feelings for him and he knows that but I'm not sitting and waiting for him. We're actually not even on the same continent now and the only reason I told him was to let it off my chest, he understood that, said it was brave, and we've been far closer friends since then and had far more intimate chats after. I mentioned the fact I have feelings for him here because I just wrote down the whole situation.

He just genuinely has been unhappy since the fight and has been behaving strangely generally, distancing himself from everyone. Only after I admitted my feelings for him he and I grew closer as friends again. So to the Venus in Sag here who said he'd run, err, he did the opposite. Possibly because he knows me better than you lot?

He tells me the good and he tells me the bad and in the last few months the balance has been tipped.

I just want him to be happy so I'll only be looking at replies here that understand that. This is why I came on this forum. I will never ever tell him to break up with her, it's nothing to do with me. I just wondered if Sags tend to stay even if they're hurting. And how a friend can be there for them if they are.

You are already distant if you are on a different continent, so there isn't any type of threat to his relationship. And everyone assumed the same thing because of how you wrote your initial question- Everyone can't be wrong in their assessment.

But to answer your question. We Sag can complain a lot and it may seem like we want some help, but we are just venting. We take care of issues privately. He may want to hear your advice on the matter, just to mull it over in his head, but ultimately he will do what he wants and whats right for him in the situation. He will just want to do a process of elimination and sort out all the options.

So advice is good coming from you, but actual "help" isn't needed. Cause if he doesn't like your advice, he wont take it, but it's still nice to hear.

What do you get out of this friendship?

Your on different continents so it’s not like you can kick it together.

Your feelings for him aside... what’s in it for you?

Playing sympathizer while he vents about his relationship must be a drag. Hopefully it’s not as one sided as it sounds.

Yes Sags can stay a long time while hurt. Took me three years to leave, when I finally decided I was important too and had lost all hope to fix what was wrong. I tried everything I could first because it’s a lot to throw away. Had to be absolutely sure. 20 year relationship, two kids.

Sounds like he’s going through it.. and only he can decide what he needs to do .. to be happy. Accept things, change things, or leave.

Posted by Phangus

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Yes Sags can stay a long time while hurt. Took me three years to leave, when I finally decided I was important too and had lost all hope to fix what was wrong. I tried everything I could first because it’s a lot to throw away. Had to be absolutely sure. 20 year relationship, two kids.

Sounds like he’s going through it.. and only he can decide what he needs to do .. to be happy. Accept things, change things, or leave.

We have no indication he's the least bit unhappy in his marriage. This is what she wrote...

"He's 100% loyal to his partner which I do think is admirable, and he doesn't often speak negatively of her (or anyone else for that matter. I've never known a more loving person). But, he's mentioned a fight and despite how badly he was hurt (and seemed to me he was in the right and she actively tried to hurt him), it seems like he's taken the blame for it - and it's a big one! Months later, he still made a mention of that fight to me (subconsciously I believe) so it obviously still hurts him despite accepting the blame."

Bolded bits are her self-serving assumptions.

click to expand

It doesn’t matter at all what she thinks. If he’s unhappy or not. She can’t decide what he needs to do or what IS happiness. It is up to him.

I’m just telling her yes we can stay hurt and there is a lot more to it than being unhappy. But if he’s unhappy it’s not just oh I’ll leave.. it’s a process.

I should explain, in our friendship we talk about everything. Be it life philosophies, sexual experiences, depression, our flaws and interactions with others. He told me he was distant from everyone (emotionally. Physically obviously when he's working in a different continent. But I mean he's just not talking to people at all), he deleted social media channels - these are things that happened this year and came as quite a shock. Hence why I've been worried. He's vented about family issues, but he also loves her deeply, I just don't know where the balance is.

For the person who asked what I'm getting out of this friendship - a real friend that I can talk to about my darkest secrets, and I have. He's been there for me through very dark times.

bellababe, I read your reply, apologies for not replying to it specifically. I should just say that while I want to be there for him and happy when he tells me things, I don't want to cross the line and actively ask for more or make it sound like I'm trying to make him leave her. Even if I had no feelings for him I wouldn't want to do that. I can hope that when he's ready to process things himself more he will come to me too.

Thank you all

Posted by aniviel4

But I mean he's just not talking to people at all), he deleted social media channels - these are things that happened this year and came as quite a shock. Hence why I've been worried.

Deleting sm profiles is no reason to be concerned.

Social media is shown to create and acerbate depression and anxiety.

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/social-media-use-increases-depression-and-loneliness

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by aniviel4

But I mean he's just not talking to people at all), he deleted social media channels - these are things that happened this year and came as quite a shock. Hence why I've been worried.

Deleting sm profiles is no reason to be concerned.

Social media is shown to create and acerbate depression and anxiety.

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/social-media-use-increases-depression-and-loneliness

class="bqfade">click to expand

Oh come on. I know the person, and yes in his case it is a reason to be concerned when it comes to him. But all you've been doing here is taking small things I say and just focus on them rather than actually answer what I asked in this post, all a bit pointless. Anyone can leave social media, yes, but all depends on the reason. I just told you I speak to this guy about nearly everything and in his case, yes, it is concerning, take it or leave it but it makes no difference to the question I actually asked for help.

Posted by aniviel4

Hello,

I was hoping for some insight.

A very close friend of mine is a Sun Sag (I don't have his time of birth but I believe he's an Aries in Moon, Capricorn in Mercury, Scorpio in Venus, Mars and Jupiter). I have feelings for him which he knows about, however we remain great friends and can talk about absolutely anything freely. He's 100% loyal to his partner which I do think is admirable, and he doesn't often speak negatively of her (or anyone else for that matter. I've never known a more loving person). But, he's mentioned a fight and despite how badly he was hurt (and seemed to me he was in the right and she actively tried to hurt him), it seems like he's taken the blame for it - and it's a big one! Months later, he still made a mention of that fight to me (subconsciously I believe) so it obviously still hurts him despite accepting the blame. From chats it also transpires there's some attempt to erase his adventurous side when he's very much a free spirit - but some success of it too and I fear his wings clipped.

This is a very long-term committed relationship (about 20 years). I only know the Sun Sign of the woman (Virgo), we never met and I doubt she likes me though obviously he and I still meet and talk openly, but the truth is while he mentions his deep love for her and her being his life-partner, the other stuff he told me make me believe this can be quite harmful for him at times.

I'm not trying to separate them, I want him to be happy and if he's happy with her then he should be with her, but if it is otherwise, would it be something he'd admit to himself? to others? Or is he likely to let someone step on him?

I'd generally love any thoughts.

How is expressing his adventurous side exactly? Is he responsible about it? Does he take her desires and feelings into account? Are they little things or big things that effect her too and should be hashed out first?

A real marriage is a partnership. Your not up each other's ass or beholden to the other. You do keep the others interests in mind with discions.

Again though. What exactly is he doing to express his adventurous side? and why does she have a problem with it?

Sweet Jesus

A Virgo woman with a sag man... huh. Nice 🤝

These talks of philosophy, depression, sexual experiences, dark secrets that you have with him, SHOULD be something he feels comfortable talking to his wife with. I get it, you love him, as a friend and as more. Which is something a lot of people would want. Single people. But he’s taken and doesn’t seem to be reciprocating ur feelings anytime soon.

Perhaps you should nudge him into becoming this emotionally intimate with his wife. Judgement can be slurred when feelings are involved. If you really purely loved him, you’d want him to be happy with who he truly loves.

You may think that his feelings for this woman are ridiculous. And you may also think you’re the obvious choice in who he should be in love with. But, that’s just not your choice to make :/

Posted by aniviel4

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by aniviel4

But I mean he's just not talking to people at all), he deleted social media channels - these are things that happened this year and came as quite a shock. Hence why I've been worried.

Deleting sm profiles is no reason to be concerned.

Social media is shown to create and acerbate depression and anxiety.

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/social-media-use-increases-depression-and-loneliness

Oh come on. I know the person, and yes in his case it is a reason to be concerned when it comes to him. But all you've been doing here is taking small things I say and just focus on them rather than actually answer what I asked in this post, all a bit pointless. Anyone can leave social media, yes, but all depends on the reason. I just told you I speak to this guy about nearly everything and in his case, yes, it is concerning, take it or leave it but it makes no difference to the question I actually asked for help.

Your looking for very specific responses to support your infatuation with a self confessed happily married man. Good luck with trying to hear only what you want to hear, despite saying otherwise.

Posted by aniviel4

I'd generally love any thoughts.

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Posted by Skeleton

What @Jeane and @saggurl88 said.

i'm loving getting the credit here - thank you - but did i say something? something amazing that i can't remember? that doesn't sound like me... the amazing part i mean... i can barely remember my where i parked my car these days.

Intimate chats? Of course he will tell you shit about her. After 20 years he is bored to tears and you are his outlet so he can stay married and have a shoulder to cry on.

Please find someone who will be yours. Preferably closer than another continent. Do you want to be alone forever?

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Posted by Phangus

Posted by PuzzlePieces

Yes Sags can stay a long time while hurt. Took me three years to leave, when I finally decided I was important too and had lost all hope to fix what was wrong. I tried everything I could first because it’s a lot to throw away. Had to be absolutely sure. 20 year relationship, two kids.

Sounds like he’s going through it.. and only he can decide what he needs to do .. to be happy. Accept things, change things, or leave.

We have no indication he's the least bit unhappy in his marriage. This is what she wrote...

"He's 100% loyal to his partner which I do think is admirable, and he doesn't often speak negatively of her (or anyone else for that matter. I've never known a more loving person). But, he's mentioned a fight and despite how badly he was hurt (and seemed to me he was in the right and she actively tried to hurt him), it seems like he's taken the blame for it - and it's a big one! Months later, he still made a mention of that fight to me (subconsciously I believe) so it obviously still hurts him despite accepting the blame."

Bolded bits are her self-serving assumptions.

It doesn’t matter at all what she thinks. If he’s unhappy or not. She can’t decide what he needs to do or what IS happiness. It is up to him.

I’m just telling her yes we can stay hurt and there is a lot more to it than being unhappy. But if he’s unhappy it’s not just oh I’ll leave.. it’s a process.

click to expand

Exactly! People leave when they are ready.

Posted by aniviel4

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by aniviel4

But I mean he's just not talking to people at all), he deleted social media channels - these are things that happened this year and came as quite a shock. Hence why I've been worried.

Deleting sm profiles is no reason to be concerned.

Social media is shown to create and acerbate depression and anxiety.

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/social-media-use-increases-depression-and-loneliness

Oh come on. I know the person, and yes in his case it is a reason to be concerned when it comes to him. But all you've been doing here is taking small things I say and just focus on them rather than actually answer what I asked in this post, all a bit pointless. Anyone can leave social media, yes, but all depends on the reason. I just told you I speak to this guy about nearly everything and in his case, yes, it is concerning, take it or leave it but it makes no difference to the question I actually asked for help.

click to expand

Hon...it makes shitload of a difference because you can’t help! So your question is actually not a question. It’s a statement that says ‘man I love is married’...that’s all. You don’t need help from here and you can’t help him.

You just need to talk. It’s ok. See, people are talking to you so just swallow the talk.

First, shoutout to the Sag man who is staying loyal to his wife even when you have told him you like him and you’re basically trying to be there for him at the drop of the hat, just waiting for things to end.

I knew a guy (not a Sag man) who said the way he got women to cheat with him even if they knew he was with someone was to talk about feelings or let them vent. 🙄

Second, most Sagittarius people I know are pretty open about a lot of things. They aren’t afraid to say things out loud, especially to close friends. So not surprised he is talking about a lot of things you’d think he wouldn’t.

However, once they find someone they can truly see themselves with, they seem to hold on for a very long time. I know a Sag/Sag couple who are in their 80’s and have been together since they were 18 and 19. I know another Sag/Libra couple in their 70’s and still together. Both have been through a lot, but have stayed. It takes time. When it is actually time, they will know it and will say it. Otherwise, they stick it out and stay with the one they love.

Basically, leave him alone. Let him process through his thoughts. It is not your job to help him decide. If he comes to you as a friend, so be it (although I believe like others that hopefully he is also talking to his wife about this stuff) but just let him be. He will say when he wants to. To his wife.