Tell us your best joke.
Humor Me
Tom, Dick and Harry were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. Tom pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. A few minutes later a phone rang. Dick lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
Harry felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the other two. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper stuck and hanging from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck.
Harry explained, "I'm getting a FAX. The other two fainted.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. Tom pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. A few minutes later a phone rang. Dick lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
Harry felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the other two. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper stuck and hanging from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck.
Harry explained, "I'm getting a FAX. The other two fainted.
i'm never up this late and i'm prolly gonna screw this up BUT...it's been my favorite forever.
so a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "you got any lemons?"
the bartender looks at him strangely and says, "no. sorry."
the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any lemons?"
the bartender gets a little irritated and says, "i already told you that i don't."
so the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any lemons?"
at this point the bartender is visibly agitated and replies, "no! i don't have any lemons and don't ask me again!"
so the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any lemons?"
the bartender is extremely annoyed and says, "NO! i do not have any lemons, and if you ask me one more time i'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor so you can't come back!"
so the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any nails?"
the bartender is a bit surprised at the different questions and immediately replies, "no."
and then the duck says, "ok. you got any lemons?"
har de har har!!!
so a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "you got any lemons?"
the bartender looks at him strangely and says, "no. sorry."
the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any lemons?"
the bartender gets a little irritated and says, "i already told you that i don't."
so the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any lemons?"
at this point the bartender is visibly agitated and replies, "no! i don't have any lemons and don't ask me again!"
so the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any lemons?"
the bartender is extremely annoyed and says, "NO! i do not have any lemons, and if you ask me one more time i'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor so you can't come back!"
so the duck leaves, comes back five minutes later and asks, "hey, you got any nails?"
the bartender is a bit surprised at the different questions and immediately replies, "no."
and then the duck says, "ok. you got any lemons?"
har de har har!!!
(i have nothing against ducks)
LOL!!!!!@Winterborn
A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex life. So, she goes to the adult novelty store and came back with some crotchless panties.
She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home. When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties, asking, "You want some of this?"
"Hell no," says the husband, "look what it did to your underwear!"
😛
She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home. When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties, asking, "You want some of this?"
"Hell no," says the husband, "look what it did to your underwear!"
😛
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
HA HA!!!
-SMiLES 😛 😄
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
HA HA!!!
-SMiLES 😛 😄
Last One..Little Johnny!
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
-SMiLES
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
-SMiLES
Smiles is here 😄
I don't have any jokes yet but hi S.S. ^_^. You always like to bust my chops but I kinda missed ya lol
How are things with the Virgo man? I break up with the Virgo-Libra guy, its a long story lol
How are things with the Virgo man? I break up with the Virgo-Libra guy, its a long story lol
Posted by jade_dragon
LOL, those are pretty good, Smiles!
Thank yuh; thank yuh!
Posted by The One & Only cappysweetie
..Smiles is here..click to expand
He Sure is cappy!
-SMiLES
Posted by Smiles24Posted by jade_dragon
LOL, those are pretty good, Smiles!
Thank yuh; thank yuh!
Posted by The One & Only cappysweetie
..Smiles is here..
He Sure is cappy!
-SMiLESclick to expand
lol! I love how you play with my name ^_^. Those jokes were funny LOLOLOLOL!!!!
LoL; I like the Little Johnny jokes the best. Always funny to come across those jokes. That kid sounds like he would make an awesome little brother hahahaha.
-SMiLES😄
-SMiLES😄
what do you call a line of bunnies hopping backwards?
a receding hare/hair line 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄
a receding hare/hair line 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄 😄
hA!
Thanks for the laughs, guys. 🙂
Hiiiiiii, Cappysweetie. I'm good, he's good, we're good. Tell me your story, sweetie. Promise not to "bust your chops". lol
Thanks for the laughs, guys. 🙂
Hiiiiiii, Cappysweetie. I'm good, he's good, we're good. Tell me your story, sweetie. Promise not to "bust your chops". lol
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you
Correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
Sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
Statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
Doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class
Burst out laughing The poor girl turned bright red, and as she
Realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books,
And without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
Heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
Straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet
Because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
In the back of your throat'.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you
Correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
Sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
Statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
Doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class
Burst out laughing The poor girl turned bright red, and as she
Realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books,
And without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
Heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
Straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet
Because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not
In the back of your throat'.
Your mother's a whore
hahahahahaha I quack myself up.
hahahahahaha I quack myself up.
Ahahaa! ha!
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