I don't want to end up where ariesgirl402 is

I was just reading ariesgirl402's thread and it got me thinking about my own relationship and the stuff that he and I have been avoiding talking about. I've been with my scorp for 4 months now and except for the 1st 2 weeks of our relationship we have never talked about what kind of future relationship that we were looking for. I honestly don't remember if we ever talked about if we wanted to get married in the future. We did talk about why we had never been married up to this point though so I'm unclear about what his views are on marriage.

We NEVER talk about the relationship and where it is going past the next month which I don't think is such a bad thing since we have only been together for 4 months, but I do want to know where he stands on marriage since that is my ultimate goal eventually.

We went to a wedding this weekend and he was the musician so we didn't sit together during the ceremony. I was sitting about 6 ft away from him and I noticed that when they were doing the vows I could feel him looking at me so I looked back at him and he was looking all lovingly at me and then he winked at me. After the wedding I commented on how noisy the location was that they had picked and how you couldn't hear anything and that I wouldn't have wanted to have my wedding there and he just said "yeah".

He also introduced me as his girlfriend to everyone which was a first and later when I got a little buzzed off of champagne I teased him about introducing me as his girlfriend and he just got embarrassed and smiled, but didn't say a word.

So this all got me thinking about what his intentions are because I think I started to read things into his actions this weekend, but I want to know what his actions meant and if I was only seeing what I was wanting to see. It's so hard to have that talk with a guy, because then he could take it as you want to get married NOW!! That's not the case, but I don't want to be having that conversation a year from now and him saying to me that he doesn't ever want to get married or even live together and he never made any promises to me. How can we women get the answers to our questions without them thinking that we are trying to trap him into a fast relationship. I just don't want to waste anymore time if he is not on the same page for his future that I am. Damn I wish I would have paid more attention and asked more questions that first couple of weeks we were together when he was wanting to talk about it all.

one could think that you would have a clue into the scorpion's mind. one would be wrong.

but i knew that all along about you.

don't you think that maybe having been married and with a kid, the guy is not so eager to hook up again legally?

(just a random thought)

You obviously didn't really read what I said!! I said that he had not been married before so that is not the issue. And before you start talking about him being an ass because he didn't marry the Mother of his child there is a really good honorable reason that I don't feel that I need to explain to you.

it's none of my concern whether the guy married his kid's mom or not.

seriously.

sometimes ppl don't read the whole post or just scam through without reading all the facts. should i take an offense that you used my issue in your title?🙂

"fuck off s_r"

LOL.

"what you know about women and relationships you could fit in a thumble.."

Your six decades of living has obviously left you an expert... in a van down by the river ALONE.

OMG!!! NO Ariesgirl!! I totally feel for you and your situation. It must be a very hard for you to make a decision about what you want to do about your situation after being with him for so long. You have already invested so much time with this guy and to now find out that he is not thinking along the same line that you are. I want to avoid that now before I get too caught up in this relationship. If my BF is thinking like yours then I want to know now before I get too attached. I was with a guy for 5 years that wouldn't commit. It wasn't fun. At the time though I wasn't sure that I wanted a commitment either so it worked for me until it didn't work anymore and I broke it off. This time I know exactly what I want and if he doesn't want the same things then I want to know now. I don't really want to waste my or his time.

A lot of women are pre-programmed for marriage, which is quite a turnoff especially in this day and age of marital instability.

i see you're only focus on the female side of the equation 🙂

It's been 4 months. Stop thinking about marriage.

i'm not thinking about marriage either and he's the one who brought it up. you have to understand that aries girls don't usually bring up marriage/relationships talks that often. the guys do and then twist it around and it's our fault!
4 months is way to early to think about a marriage. but if you like to know right away then you should tell him that's what you're looking for in a long run.

"Dont start ramming marriage down his throat."

LOL!! Believe me I don't want to ram it down his throat. I just want to know what his views on marriage are. I want to ask him in a way that he doesn't feel like I'm ramming it down his throat. Remember that he has not had a serious girlfriend in 17 years so there must be a reason for that. He says it is because he just hasn't found anyone he wants to be in a relationship with and that he has been busy raising his son. I'm going to be very pissed at myself if I wake up one day 2 years down the line and find out that he never had any intentions of ever getting serious with anyone when all I would have had to do was ask the question when we first started dating. I also realize that knowing that does not give me any guarantees either. Just because someone's intentions are to get serious doesn't mean that it will for sure happen, but there is a lot better chance of it working out if everyone is on the same page from the beginning.

I just think that I tend to make my own conclusions of what men's actions mean and you know what it means when you assume. I am "assuming" that him calling me his girlfriend might mean that he is thinking that he is going to be with me for a while. For him though it just might be something he is saying and it has no meaning at all. I "assumed" that since he was sending my photos to his Mother, friends, and family and introducing me to his kid that he intends on a serious relationship, but then I found out that his Mother asked if I was the same girl that she met at dinner one night. He had introduced some girl to his mother after two weeks that he only dated for one month so obviously sending photos to or me meeting his Mother says absolutely nothing about how he feels about someone. I don't want to be living in fantasyland thinking my relationship is developing on the same level that I think it is developing. I think I just need to communicate and not be afraid of the answer I might get. That is why I have been avoiding it I think. It's not that I don't know how to communicate, but do I REALLY want to know the answer?

"yeah 4 months in normal circumstances means all you both have to do is fuck like rabbits"

You would think so right?? But that has already slowed down from 3 times a day to much more of a just cuddling a lot stage. He is constantly touching me lovingly, but I always have to initiate the sex. I'm not used to that. He says it because he is too old and tired to keep up that 3 times a day pace, but where has the sexual urgency gone? Can it really be gone that quickly?

I recommend developing commitment issues, gs. I've always had them and the result seems to be that men suddenly want a commitment. 🙂

i think you have a point there!!!

i didn't realize i started such a contreversy here!!!!!!

leave it up to the aries to start a revolution or a war!!! lmao
thanks guys you put a smile on my face 🙂

Shaks! LOL!!!

Sea Siren, exactly. I used to have commitment issues and all of my bf's were wanting to commit right away. I actually really like the pace that we are moving at the moment which is why I don't want to mess it up by bringing up the M word. I don't want to just live with someone and I also don't want to have this long distance relationship for the rest of my life. In my head if things keep going the way they are I could see myself in a more committed (probably married) relationship in a couple of years. I guess I just need reasurrance that he is thinking the same way before I get even more attached to him. The selfish part of me wants him to completely want marriage and committment NOW and that I am the one who is setting the pace and taking my time about making that decision not him. LOL!! In a perfect world right?? It was that way in the beginning for us. I felt like I was having to slow him down some. He was right away talking about taking trips together and meeting each others familys and how he has never felt like this before about anyone. Now all that has seemed to stop. He told me one day about 2 monts ago that he didn't want to jinx anything and that he just wants to take things one day at a time and not think too far into the future and boy has he stuck to that. He doesn't talk about anything past one month from now. Again, I should have probed him more when he told me that and ask him exactly what he meant by that. That statement could have meant many different things.

You are quite the sex machine, gslove...

I'm just a Scorpio woman in my sexual prime!! I'm beginning to see the lure of being a cougar!! I think I need a couple of little man cubs!! LOL!!

"The selfish part of me wants him to completely want marriage and committment NOW and that I am the one who is setting the pace and taking my time about making that decision not him."

I understand that. A lot of women feel that way. But my dad always says "don't attach yourself to outcomes. You'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment."

I've found that to be true in all aspects of life. It's hard sometimes to just go with the flow. To me, the year mark is usually a good time for that discussion, if you're still together and want the same thing. By that point, you should both know what you want in that dept.

"i'm not thinking about marriage either and he's the one who brought it up."

So ariesgirl, has he been comletely giving you mixed messages all along? Why is he all of a sudden denying that he ever wanted that?? He is trying to make you think that you are crazy or something LOL!!!

i guess!!! unless i have multiply personalities that i'm not aware of. so far, he's acting like no conversation happened. it's either he's creating all the drama for the drama of it since i'm not dramatic or he's really not that into me after all. as i said it 50% /50%

Yep you are right Sea Siren. I think I'm just feeling a little insecure in the relationship right now. The only time I start to question things is when I feel insecure about something. Maybe it's the sex thing, maybe it's because he just doesn't talk at all about "us" anymore, maybe it's the thing about how his mother thought I was the same girl that she met before. Probably all those things. Oh, and also, when he introduced me as his girlfriend to the groom at the wedding his comment was "You always have the prettiest women on your arm" I know it was supposed to be a compliment but it wasn't that reasurring to know that I was one of many that he has had on his arm. It just seems like everytime he does something to make me think that I'm different like calling me his girlfriend or sending photos of me to his mother something happens to shoot it down and make it not mean anything.

Of course I haven't said anything to him at all about my insecurities but he is sensitive to my feelings and he seems to know so he keeps telling me that none of his girls have lasted longer than a couple of months. Like that is supposed to reassure me that I've outlasted them. When we were at the 2 month mark I overheard his sister sarcastically ask him when he was going to break up with this one. She was talking about me. Of course she didn't know that he had me on the phone when she said it.

I just need to calm down about everything and like you said not be attached to the outcome. I know that only time will answer my questions and kill my insecurities.

I just need to calm down about everything and like you said not be attached to the outcome. I know that only time will answer my questions and kill my insecurities. - i'll follow this as well.

"How can we women get the answers to our questions without them thinking that we are trying to trap him into a fast relationship. I just don't want to waste anymore time if he is not on the same page for his future that I am."


gslove .. a couple things here ..

First, what you have done here, is change your perspective of how you view this relationship based on another woman's distress. Before you read about the aries girl's disturbance .. you were happy.

Think about that ^^^^^

He has not changed, you have not changed ... as it pertains to your relationship with him .. what has changed is another persons life, and you're trying to apply it your own, as if it's relative .. to cause you unwarranted grief. And that's just wrong.

What another person feels, and they have experienced in their life is NOT a part of your life. I don't recall everything you have said about this relationship you're having ... but, I remember you expressing happiness, just the way it was.

Now .. you're expressing distress, and it has nothing to do with you or your man.


Second .... life is about experiencing, and there are no promises, even with this very life itself. The only certainty you have about your future is that you're making it right now, this minute, for you to look back on to see how you got where you are.

What is it you want to see? In your future? You can't predict it, you know, you can only mold it according to how you feel today, and to live today by experiencing with happiness.

If a person spends a life-time WORRYING with an unhappiness called, "uncertainties" ... then how are you molding your future for you to look back on?

You want a goal to be married one day, and settled down, likely with a couple kids, and a nice home, maybe a pet

Think about this ....


He could die tomorrow (Heaven Forbid) .. but, he could ..

What are you left with?

1. Your heart compeletely shattered because you know not whether he was the one, what if you live the rest of your life not ever knowing if he is the one, what if you're all alone, there was so much left to say, so much left to do ......... and you're left in shambles because of so many uncertainties about what could have been.

2. Your heart is content because you know that this man was loved with everything you had to give him. You'll miss him, but, you know he didn't lead a hollow life because YOU loved him, you brought him quality, you gave him your heart. And your heart is content because you would know that whatever happens in the future ... you were loved, completely with all this mans heart.



There are no certainties about your future, gslove .. there is only today for certain. What you value right now, and how you regard it .. is your memory you will have .. forever .. to measure your life.

dayum!

good job putting ariesgirl402 on FRONT St.

gslove .. I just read the aries thread, for God's Sake, whatever you do with your relationship ... don't twist him like that.

What happened in that situation was that the woman WANTED to hear certain words, and when they weren't heard .. his words got twisted to mean something they weren't ... stemmed from an insecurity.

don't do that .. you have something real here, don't fuck it up by manipulating him and his intentions like that.


Please 🙂

"Now .. you're expressing distress, and it has nothing to do with you or your man. "

Word. It happens EVERY TIME some women gets flowers/gifts unexpectedly from their significant other at work. Every woman in that office is pissed and takes it out on some poor shmuck at home who hasn't/doesn't send his woman flowers/gifts, etc to their work. The girl looks around at all these women getting stuff and instantly gets pissed off at her man. Circumstances haven't changed. The guy is still the same guy they loved that morning; however, someone elses life makes them think there is something wrong with their life. Sad, but it happens all the time.

Aww, forgot to add my point -- live YOUR life for YOU. Not what others expect; whether it be friends, family, society, etc. Make yourself happy, and everything else will fall in line.

All good points P-Angel and everyone else. At least my freakouts are getting fewer and far between. This happens every time there is a milestone in the relationship it seems. The last time was getting past the 3 month mark with someone. It's just me sabotaging myself again by letting my fears and old relationship issues get in the way.