Is it Scorpio intuition or paranoia??

I'm so pissed at myself. Just when I start to think that I've got a handle on my insecurities in a relationship it turns around and bites me in the ass. My last two relationships over the last 3 years started out hot and heavy and then ended almost as abruptly as they started at about the 3 month mark and I knew instinctively the exact moment that their feelings changed. I'm now in a new relationship and it's coming up on the 3 month mark and I'm kind of freaking out. There have been a couple of little things that have changed in my relationship that has me thinking that his feelings are changing and I honestly can't tell if it is my Scorpio intuition again or just plain paranoia because of what happened in the past.

For the first time this Wednesday night we went to bed without having sex. Normally when we are together we have sex 2 or 3 times and cannot keep our hands off of each other. I'm telling myself that the reason we didn't is because we went to a concert and we drank some wine and we didn't get home until late and he had to get up early the next morning for work, but that has not stopped us in the past. He usually sets his alarm early so that we have time to make love before he gets up to get ready for work. It seems that the sense of urgency to have sex when we haven't seen each other in a couple of days is starting to go away which I know is normal, but I didn't think it would start happening quite so soon.

He also is not calling me as much as he used to. We used to spend a lot of time texting all day and he would call me first thing in the morning and at night before he went to bed. Now he leaves his phone in the car while he is at work and usually only calls me once either in the morning or before he goes to bed and the conversations are much shorter. I feel like I am the one who is contacting him more than he contacts me now. He called me on his way to work yesterday after leaving me in his bed talking about how we really passed out the night before and he wished that he didn't have to work so that we could spend the day in bed so that made me feel better about the no sex thing from the night before, but then later that day I sent him a text message and I haven't heard from him. I am also getting the feeling that I won't be seeing him this weekend because he made some plans with his 17 year old son that don't include me. We have always spent Saturday night and all day Sunday together since we met. Is he pulling away or is this normal?

First: I'm a Virgo Man married to a Scorpio Woman - 2 years in OCT!

Sounds like "jitters" to me. My relationship with my Scorp started off with a BANG! (yep, meant that one!), and most relationships have that initial burst of energy & excitement, because everything is NEW, and you're both learning each other...

But people can't stay charged-up like that forever. Things have to cool down some. What you describe seems normal to me at the 3-month point.

As a Virgo, I watch for Trends, and I try to ignore isolated incidents. So, I would not think of this as the beginning of the end until you see more evidence than you have so far...

I know you guys are right and if it was someone else telling me this story I know I would be telling them that they are over reacting. I know it's just my past two relationships ending suddenly at the 3 month mark that is making me freak out. He is still very touchy feely with me and he is talking about future things that we are going to do and on Sunday he really opened up about some intimate things about himself to me and I know that men sometimes pull away at the point when they begin to feel a little bit dependent. I know all of that but it doesn't seem to make me feel any better. LOL!! He actually just called me and he did exactly what I knew he was going to do. I hate fucking Scorpio intuition. He canceled on me for tonight. We were supposed to go out with some friends tonight and he told me that he was feeling a sore throat coming on and that his plans with his son had changed for early tomorrow morning instead of Sunday and that he hopes that I understand blah blah blah!! He didn't mention anything about when we would get together again. Of course my first thought is I want to be reassured that everything is o.k. and "talk" to him about this, but I know that would be the worst thing to do so instead I called him back after I knew he would be at work and not answer the phone and I left him a cheerful message that of course he should stay home, I don't want him to get sick and to have fun with his son. I just acted like it didn't even phaze me. I know that was the mistake that I made in those last two relationships that ended. I confronted them about the behavior in a need to be reassured and when they didn't say what I needed to hear, I began to pull away and it ended very quickly after that. I'm already feeling like I want to pull away now because of my hurt feelings and am fighting the urge to make plans for Sunday since he has not mentioned anything about getting together yet. I know that he will know that I'm doing it on purpose though so I won't do it. Either way that I handle this just seems wrong. It's a fine line between wanting to make another plan to avoid being taken advantage of and not wanting to be too available by seeing him even if he doesn't ask until the last minute. Either way makes me look bad.

GS "am fighting the urge to make plans for Sunday since he has not mentioned anything about getting together yet." How would that make you look bad? I don't get it. He hasn't mentioned anything about plans with you for Sunday so WHY NOT make plans? Do you really think you should sit home, hoping & waiting that he'll call? And then what if he doesn't? You'll have wasted your whole Sunday & then you'll be resentful towards him that you did. That certainly isn't going to help the feelings your already having.

Why not go do something YOU enjoy doing? Something you would have found yourself doing on any other Sunday before you met him. Maybe something you like to do that you've maybe neglected sense you've been spending every weekend with him. If he calls just tell him your sorry but you've made plans. I mean he's made plans with his son that don't involve you.....Why can't you do the same thing? This is when things become problematic. You can't loose yourself in your relationships because when your S.O. has things to do that don't involve you, you have no clue what to do with yourself anymore.

Believe me I have plenty of other things to do, but every Sunday we have spent together so if I make other plans that don't involve him he will think that I'm punishing him for today and I don't want him to think that. I have not yet met his son and don't think that I should yet so it doesn't upset me that he made a plan with his son that doesn't involve me. I respect that he is a good father and is available to his son. It is the other pulling away things that bother me.

I think I will just make plans like I usually do and tell him that he is more than welcome to join us if he likes. I think that will be the best way to handle it. I have done that before when I had plans on a Sunday. I just invited him and he came with me.

Hi Elana,

Yes that's me. I did blindfold him and punish him just a little one night. LOL!! He loved it, but I haven't done anything to him since. I don't think he wants to do as much as I thought that he wanted to do. He is much straighter than I thought he was.

I think everything is back to normal. He called me 3 times today and texted me twice and told me that he wanted to see me on Sunday and he hoped that I missed him as much he missed me. I kind of feel like he is just testing me or something to see how I would react to him establishing a little freedom. I just played it totally cool and acted like I totally understood and that it didn't bother me a bit that he was canceling on me tonight and I went out with my friends tonight and had a great time. I really hope I am strong enough to get through all of this relationship stuff. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be single. I'm good at being single. Being in a relationship is like learning a new language for me. I just don't think I know how to do it. It's too fucking hard. Is it really worth it??

Interesting to read this. I was dumped at the 3 month mark by a Scorpio guy - who to be fair had flagged up his habit of jumping out of relationships at three months... He doesn't seem inclined to do anything about that, though, so it's his loss I'm afraid! I wonder how many more he'll get through before he decides to get through that pain barrier?!

Sounds as though you might have subconsciously engineered the 3 month thing in the past. Perhaps you have your own commitment issues? In which case, imho the only thing to do IS to work through and see what happens. Though I must warn you - the first time I did that, I felt as though I was igonring all my instincts and sadly, they guy did turn out to be a manipulative and dangerous person. But at least I knew I hadn't bailed before finding it out for certain rather than not giving him any benefit of the doubt...

Sorry, hadn't read that last post of yours too closely. You DO have issues. I remember the 'I prefer being single' stage. And then there's the 'I'm dating so it must be Him!' stage. It's perfectly normal to both have other things to do. It shouldn't be a case of pretending it doesn't matter. It SHOULDN'T matter... Good luck with stepping back and enjoying the fresh air before - hopefully - you two get together for a great night sometime soon. 🙂

ScorpAscVirgo,

I know you are right. It shouldn't matter that we both have things to do and that this intense pace that we have been going has to come to an end. I'm just so worried that he is going to jump ship because it's that 3 month place that is where my other relationships ended. But I do know now that I handled those all wrong and that I saw signs of them not being ready for a relationship from the first few dates that I don't see in this guy. This guy does seem to be ready for a relationship. What makes me nervous though is that he has not been in a real relationship for 15 years and most of his relationships only last 2 or 3 dates so this is a world's record for him. His family and friends can't believe he is finally getting serious with someone. He said that he just never felt the chemistry with other women like he feels with me. He says that he has just felt very apathetic when it comes to relationships and that he has just been busy raising his son and giving him all of his attention. So now I'm worried that if the chemistry starts to fade as it always does a bit and reality relationship comes in that he will misunderstand it and think that he is getting over me. I just hope that he is not one of those love junkies like pluto's pride said and that now that those intense love feelings start to fade that he doesn't take that as being apathetic again. I guess I should shove a couple of relationship books under his nose that talks about the phazes of relationships. LOL!!!

By the way!! Is it only women that go through all of this insecurity in the beginning of a relationship? Don't men go through any of this? I don't think they do because women stay conisistent in the relationship. They don't all of a sudden decide they don't want to see the man they love for a couple of weeks or stop answering the phone when their man calls and if they did than you would know for sure that they are getting ready to end the relationship and not just trying to get some space. That's why we women don't understand men. When we act like this at the 3 month mark we ARE trying to end things.

You sure you're not a Virgo?! lol You overthink even more than I do... Actually you do write as though you are trying to come up with all the possible scenarios for how it will end - as though in fact you have been so hurt in the past that you are getting in first so that it can't take you by surprise when (if!) it happens again.

I'd like to see what others think, but my theory (that's all it is, the man not being forthcoming so far!) is that we HAVE to be vulnerable in order to enter a good relationship. Not stupid, but not defensive either. Because if we are being defensive, and trying to second-guess all the things which may happen, we give out vibes which put the other person off.

Why SHOULDN'T he have fallen for you? And will the world end if he does finish with you one day? Yes, if all your eggs are in that basket, NO, if you have kept an independent life.

You've heard of self-fulfilling prophecies, right? You do have a look of someone who's trying to push him into ending it now so you've got it over with. And he may not want to end it at all!!

Be brave, anjoy the NOW. (Hah, that's what thelast guy said to me - but he was right, even though we didn't enjoy the NOW for long! And look - I didn;t die of a broken heart either!!)

Keep in there! Keep us posted!

SAV x

Haha SAV, You are right about just about everything you said. I am just so tired of things not working out and yes I am starting to expect that it will happen now. If this one doesn't work out I won't die, but I don't know if I have the strength to go through this again. That's why I say it would be easier just to stay single and drama free. Sometimes I think it is not the relationship that I want, but just the fear of being old and alone. I know that I am worthy of a great relationship and it frustrates me that it seems so illusive. I live in L.A. where it is supposedly the hardest city to find a relationship, but I try so hard not to buy into all of that crap. People here have relationships and get married every day so I know it's not impossible, but you sure have to kiss a lot of damn frogs first. When I take my past fears out of the picture and look at this new relationship with fresh eyes, there is no reason why this guy is not the one. The timing is perfect, up to this point he has shown no signs of being skittish, he calls every day, tells me how he feels, makes future plans, etc. etc. He told me the other day that he loves the way our relationship is going and that he is trying so hard not to look too far ahead because he doesn't want to jinx it and that he is taking it just one day at a time. I know that is what I should be doing too. His not having that sexual urgency that night and then canceling on me last night is the first time he has dissapointed me in any way and the first time I have felt any insecurities with him. I know it's just because those two things happened so close together is what freaked me out.

I have a tendency to if I feel rejected I pull away which is what I kind of did in this situation, but I did it without showing him my insecurity which is what I didn't do in my past relationships. Before when this would happen I would start questioning them about if they were losing interest or give them a hard time if they canceled a date or dissappointed me instead of just giving them the time to process whatever it was that they were going through at the moment and they got scared and ran away. This time I just pulled back a little and let him have space without questioning him and boy did he bounce back quickly. I think it shocked him how easily I let him off the hook for last night and didn't give him a hard time and now he doubts how I feel about him so now he is back to the chase again which is where he is most comfortable.

Well I understand the I prefer being single stage, but what the hell is the "I'm dating so it must be him stage"? I don't understand that one.

I think the next stage after that would be the "I'm so glad that I'm not single anymore stage" when you hear all of your single girlfriends' horror stories about the first 3 months insecurity stage. LOL!!

Oh believe me they all remember and keep track! There are no secrets in this Scorpio circle. People will call you on your shit from something that you said months ago. That's why we are all one big happy family. LOL!!!

Well done! I wonder if this is HIS way of testing the ground and checking if you're about to disappear on him? We all carry so much baggage...

I am pleased that you are coping. It is really hard, isn't it. I haven't even got as far as you have!

Take care of yourself, keep a loose rein... we lose the people we cling to, it seems to me. I'm sure others here can give you more ideas and more help.

SAV x

Sorry, missed that last page somehow!

Arianlatay, I wish I knew! I think it's the 'I'm channelling Bridget Jones' stage. I went away for a few days' break (first holiday on my own for TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!!! 8^0 ) and went into a pub for lunch one day...

Waitress: Table for one?
Me: Yes, please.
We walk to the table, past couples, families, the usual suspects...
Radio: (high volume) ALL BYYYYY MYSE-E-E-E-E-LF....
Other Diners:



At least I thought it was funny!!

Other diners - AMUSED GLANCES

(Dunno where that went!!)

O.K. I have now figured it out. Intuition not paranoia!! Something is definitely going on with him. I was feeling better because he seems to be coming back around. He left me a message on Friday night saying that maybe we can see each other on Sunday and I called him back within about 10 minutes and he didn't answer the phone and never called back. I was at a movie with friends last night and I finally got a text message from him at about 8:30. I didn't text him back until a couple of hours later after the movie and then did not hear back from him again. I know you guys are going to say I'm crazy because it's not like it has been 2 weeks since he has contacted me, but I know that SOMETHING is going on I can just feel it. I just don't know how serious it is and if it will pass. He is definitely pulling away, having doubts and second thoughts about our relationship. He's giving me just enough contact to avoid me getting suspicious,(he thinks) but he is avoiding actually talking to me. Then I did a stupid thing. I went on the site where we met to find out the last time he was online and he was on yesterday. His profile is hidden so I don't know what he was doing on there. He has only went on one other time in the beginning of our relationship to show a friend my picture, but now my profile is hidden also. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. I don't think he is seeing anyone else...yet! I'm trying to ignore everything and just go on with my life like normal, but it's hard. I want to be patient and ride this through without saying anything at all to him. I want to just give him the space to figure it out without questioning him and hope that he will explain things to me without me having to ask. If he is leaving then there is nothing I can do to change that, but the thought goes through my mind that maybe he is misunderstanding something that has happened or that I have said and that he is having some sort of insecurity about me too.

I have not told anybody but this forum about any of these feelings that I'm having. I was out with 2 of my friends last night who think that every thing is fine and they just kept going on and on about how nice he was and how they could tell how much he likes me. Just one week ago he was watching my every move, hanging on my every word, being so loving. (this was my friends observations of him when we were all together last Sunday). Are my friends wrong? Was it all just an act with him? I just don't know how to handle this.

Is there some specific thing you think he may have misunderstood? Sounds as though there might be...

Hugs...

I don't know SAV!! I swear that I'm not as crazy as I sound. LOL!! I keep going over and over our conversation that we had last Sunday. He insisted on having this serious conversation about his feelings for me right in the middle of a birthday party that we went to. He said some insecurity things about himself that he had in past relationships when he was young about jealousy and that he was happy that he was older and past that stage. Maybe something made him jealous at the birthday party?? He told me that he liked me so much and how exciting it was to feel so much for me and that he is trying so hard not to think so far ahead and take things one day at a time and not jinx anything. It was weird how vulnerable and sentimental he got. Maybe I didn't react the way he was thinking I should or say the right thing to him, but it was hard to concentrate on that conversation with a bunch of people around.

Elana, do you think I should still see him today or should I make some excuse to get out of it?

I have no idea if we have definite plans because we haven't talked and confirmed anything yet. The other part of the part of the conversation that I had with him last Sunday was after he told me how strongly he was feeling about me I agreed with him and told him that I loved how easy our relationship was and that I liked that he made me feel secure and that I didn't have to wonder if and when he was going to call or when I would see him again and I liked how he talked about his feelings. Ever since I told him that last week he has stopped doing all of those things. I told him that was what I liked about him and then he stopped. Did I say something wrong?

Hi Elana,

I know you are right. I'm not going to worry about it right now. There is nothing gained by my worrying. It won't change a thing. I should have never have checked to see if he had been online either. That was a stupid move and made everything worse. I had gotten an e-mail a couple of weeks ago from a friend that I used to be in contact with that had noticed that I had hid my profile and was worried about me and I went online to let him know that I was seeing someone and happy. If you have someone listed on your favorites list you can see when the last time they logged on and I was very pleased to see that my guy had not been online since a few days after we met and that was just to show someone my picture. So that is why I am so shocked that he went on there yesterday. Maybe he is checking out other women or maybe he is checking to see if my profile is still hidden I have no idea, but I'm not going to worry about it if it is a one time incident, but if he continues to be online everyday then I know I have a problem. FYI, he was not using the favorites feature so he cannot tell when I have been online so I know that he did not see that I was online to send an e-mail to that guy. Plus I told him that I did that just in case he somehow did know that I went online and he seemed fine with it.

Hi Elena and everyone else who has been helping me through this,

So yesterday when we were supposedly going to get together he called and told me that he was going to do a barbecue at his son's house and that I was more than welcome to come over later and spend the night. Well needless to say I was not very happy with that since he had left me hanging all weekend about our plans on Sunday and then he leaves me a message to come over and basicly just sleep with him. I was fuming so I called and acted like I didn't understand his message and told him that I was confused. I asked him if he was asking me to go to his son's house for a barbecue or does he just want me to come to house at 11:00 at night and just sleep with him? He started getting all flustered because he realized how the message he left sounded, so he said of course you are invited to the barbecue but he would understand if I didn't want to go if I felt uncomfortable about it. (being there with the ex) So I called his bluff and I told him that I would love to go and then he began to get even more flustered and started making excuses and then he said he had to call me right back.

So he called me back about 10 minutes later and he said Look, maybe it's not such a good idea for me to subject you to (the ex) right now and that he didn't want me to be uncomfortable. So I said, is it me that would be uncomfortable or you?? Then he finally got honest. The problem is that he hasn't had a serious girlfriend in a really long time bascially since his son was born and his entire weekends have always been revolving around his son who is now 17 years old. The son has asperger's disease which is a social disorder and he gets a little obsessed about a single topic for long periods of time so the kid needs special attention so the son's Mother and him have always tried to make things as normal of a family life as they possibly can for him from having parents who split when he was 2 years old. The way he tells it the Mother is controlling and has always held the son over his head to get things the way she wants them so she is the one who always plans things and just tells him to be there and he has always just done it. Now he is trying to fit me into his life and still be the same great Dad with his son and he is having some issues with how to balance it all. *To be continued!

Then he told me that he thought he would be able to do everything yesterday, see his son, see me, and all of the other things he needed to get done and make everybody happy. He said that he knows that his ex would not care if he brought me over, but that yes he admitted that he would not be comfortable with that since I haven't met his son yet and he did not picture the first time me meeting his son would be with his ex there at the same time, but if I wanted to go then of course I would go. So then I finally let him off the hook and told him that I don't want to go and that I am in no way mad that he is going, but that I didn't appreciate the disrespect of leaving me hanging all weekend not knowing what I was doing. Oh, also, the barbecue was not a hundred percent planned yet which was why he was keeping me hanging. He wasn't even sure that it was happening. Then he told me that he would only stay a couple of hours and he would be done by 7:30 and that he really wanted to see me and he would make it up to me. Then he said that from now on he was going to tell his ex ahead of time when he had plans with me and ask her not to set things up on the days he had plans with me. He said that eventually I would always be involved with those types of plans after I meet his son. The good news is that she tried to change the time of the barbecue and he told her no that he had plans with me later and that if they were going to do it they needed to do it earlier so she just canceled it altogether. I was happy that he said no to her. I don't think he has ever done that before. So we did get together and had a lovely time.

I even found out why he was on the internet the other day. He told me that he told an old friend about me and sent him a picture of me. I asked which picture he sent and he said the one from your online profile so I know he had to go into his e-mail from that site to get that picture. So something had definitely been going on with him, but it wasn't at all what I thought it was. Now of course I feel like an idiot.

So just be patient...you're still so early in this relationship.

Yes, I'm going to go meditate for a while now 😉

Wow!

Well you have some answers, then... Did you know his son had Asperger's? Or had he not told you before? People can be very defensive about things like that (though I'm surprised about the on-off arrangements for the barbecue cos somebody with Asperger's need DEFINITE arrangements).

Anyway good for you - I loved the 'clarification' phone call!

You go girl. And whilst you're at it, make some plans with other people and get some social life going outside of this relationship. It will benefit you both.

Arianlatay,

Whatever I did and said this weekend must have worked because he is calling me like crazy today. I was a being a nice but firm bitch to him when I had that discussion with him. As far as his ex being o.k. with me coming over there I really think she would be o.k. with it. He has met quite a few of the guys that she has dated. He wants to have me and his son go waverunning soon so that I can meet his son first though and I would much rather meet him that way too. Does anyone know anything about Aspergers? I know what it is, but I have never met anyone with it. How serious is it? Will he have difficulties being independent and keeping a job because of it? Do they have any pain or physical problems? The only thing he really told me is that he will get obsessed about something and can't think about anything else. Right now he is obsessed about getting a tattoo which my boyfriend is not happy about at all.

SAV... don't worry about me. I would never not have my social life which is why I was so pissed off at him for keeping me hanging on a Sunday. I have a ton of friends that I'm always doing stuff with. I was out with my friends Friday, Saturday, and most of the day on Sunday. I even had dinner with a friend tonight. At this point I am still seeing my friends more than I see him. I'm surprised that he doesn't complain about the amount of time I spend out with my friends. I have started to invite him out with my friends though so that I get the best of both worlds.

I know quite a lot about Asperger's (it isn't a 'disease' btw) but the main thing is that everyone is different. Some people are very aware they have it and are skilled at making adjustments (probably not at 12 though). The main things to watch for are an inability to deal with change of routine very easily (so that for example, if your b/f ever says that his kids wouldn't be happy about some change, it's probably true - things need to be plannned and explained), the obsessive stuff (this changes from topic to topic sometimes - it's about needing order and control I think) and yes, there can be associated difficulties, such as clumsiness etc.

Best thing is to get to know the child as an individual. The longer I work with such people, the more inclined I am to think we each have our own syndromes which we label with our names!

Many people with Asperger's are not diagnosed, some realise it themselves as adults. Many marry, work, etc... they do have problems with spontaneity and flexibility but if they are aware of this they can explain their needs pretty well. Everyone is different. Some are very handicapped by having Asperger's, many are not.

Oh - and I have noticed a high proportion of [undiagnosed] Aspie-type Dads of the kids I work with, so read up on it and see if you need to factor it into your b/f's difficult communication style !! It can be hereditary and certainly weird patterns can be modelled in families. You may be dealing with a wider issue.

Good luck!

🙂

Thanks SAV that's helpful. I know my BF doesn't have it, but he does seem to have other issues. LOL!! I hope he knows how damn lucky he is to have met me!! I come with absolutely no baggage. Hahaha!! No exes, no children, no physical problems, no medications