Curious

Now, firstly, this is just my own mental, so if you relate as well, bring it.

I find that for me my mode of delivery isn't that fantastic at times. Say I receive a letter. Surface wise I read it, but underneath grab hold of the emotion of the content and immediately react to that. I have sent and said some scathing things based on MY IMMEDIATE REACTION. Later on when I go back and re-read things in a not so charged atmosphere I layer over and come to grips with things. My immediate reaction is just being hurt. When in this aspect of myself I can feel a cold suit of armor building round, to insulate myself from further pain. At times this has served me well, at others not so much. This is when I sit down and lock down. Respiration high, belly aflutter and Lock & Load. It's not so much wanting to INFLICT pain, it is wanting someone else to see and recognize my own. Action/Reaction. The shit part of this is, it is because I don't open up to many people. When I do I feel it's a gift. When someone hands you a prezzie back, doesn't want it. It sucks. So when slapped, what does one do? Slap back. This is nothing I'm inordinately proud of. As a matter of fact I find it to be one of my very real flaws. I am never quite sure whether to stand up for myself or curl round a stuffed animal in my bed and just weep. Usually it's both. Because letting someone trample all over you just ain't *done*. In all reality I've hurt people. Not cool. It's never been my goal in life, as a matter of fact it's a characteristic of self I'm not fond of.
I think its base root is fear of rejection made reality. I can be given 500 reasons as to the why, but when you simmer it all down the end point is the same. You have all this confusion howling inside of you. You can't see the sense of it. Yeh, well sometimes there is NO sense to things. No rhyme, no reason. Or at least none to be had from your own viewpoint. So, what do you do? Make yourself crazy with it. Analyze, think deep thoughts, listen to a lot of tunes. Work your ass off. Hope. Dream. Pray. That you become a better person, best you can be. Even when everything is going wrong, to at least be right inside. To let your light shine. Even when you're a bit of a nutter with heaps of insecurity at times. Shine on.

Forgot to mention pacing. I'm going to wear a groove in the pine flooring.

Posted by venusianbull
I don't open up to many people. When I do I feel it's a gift. When someone hands you a prezzie back, doesn't want it. It sucks. So when slapped, what does one do? Slap back.

Yeppers, I feel EXACTLY that same way. I think it's human nature to want to "slap back." It's like when a friend or family member gives me constructive criticism, well, at the onset the first instinct is to disagree or lash out, etc, but as I've gotten older, I just say this (pat response now), "Thank you for the information. Right now, I need to digest this and we can talk about it later, because at this moment, I don't think we can have a healthy or constructive conversation." Typically, when I have time to THINK about their comments, etc, then I can sometimes agree with their assessment; disagree with a portion of their assessment while agreeing with parts; or, completely disagree. I am VERY critical/hard on myself, so I have NO delusions about myself, so if someone says something negative about me, my first human instinct may be to lash out, but the more (laughing) "mature" me, does now take the time to take a step back and analyze the information.

What the hell is going on over there VB—??!!!!

Life in all its splendor, and me processing. That's my problem you see, I don't have a drawbridge up. It's always open, and it leads straight to the privy. :/

Posted by venusianbull
I don't have a drawbridge up. It's always open, and it leads straight to the privy. :/

Yes ma' dear. That is your charm - hence the reason that it is a blessing and a curse 😉

With great powah comes great responsibility...thank you Stan Lee. *sigh* My "charm" definitely has its drawbacks on occasion. Part of the whole humanity schtick. Whoa hey? I'm not perfect after all? LE BUMMAGE. I need to quit licking myself over it. I will, just not yet.

Sweetheart, you are empowered to DO & FEEL however you like! Sometimes we must retreat to our caves, lick our wounds, eat, rest, and live to fight another day. This here thing called life; t'ain't for the faint'o'heart - that's for damn sure!

Agreed. Most definitely NOT for sissies.

*slides over onto slightly worn, but THE most comfortable shabby chic couch; hands VB a glass of wine, takes a sip, lays head back and sighs...this year is almost over. *

*curls up like a cat, accepts wine and lays head back, looks over and sighs* Oh yeh. And here's to 2012 sucking a bit less butt cheek my friend. *clinking glass*

*p.s., I have my own glass of wine, I didn't drink yours VB 🙂 *

Pssssst, it's okay if you did, I know you don't have cooties. 🙂

*agrees...it will suck less. Continues to sip wine...will need nibbles soon *

Posted by venusianbull
Pssssst, it's okay if you did, I know you don't have cooties. 🙂

LOL!! hhaahhahhahaa

HAHAHAHAHA! Ahhh yesh, ze nibbles!

Oy, it's one of those lazzzzy days for me! I have so much to do, yet I am just...languishing! In the new year, I gotta send you a PM to tell you my two newest endeavors 🙂 One is SOOOO right up your alley. That's why I haven't been trolling about here too much because a. needed a breakarooney, and b. I have been uber busy trying to get everything in place- OY!!

*now, back to my regularly scheduled program of sipping wine and indulging in some decadent nibbles *

Ahhh lazy days. My fave. Love it most with rain pattering down and not a care in the world. LOL Understand the busy, looking forward to the PM. *nibbling on chex mix* 🙂

Well! It's Crispix, same diff. 😄

Ummmm, Chex mix 🙂 I just finished a salad. It was good to have something light since the past 30 days has been a haze of delicious yet, intoxicatingly rich and decadent food.

Mmmm holiday food *undoing button* 🙂

I will listen on my return Nem, it is time for ze making wis ze work.

I love you both ladies, thank you. 🙂

Posted by venusianbull
Mmmm holiday food *undoing button* 🙂

I will listen on my return Nem, it is time for ze making wis ze work.

I love you both ladies, thank you. 🙂

Toodles dahlink, just remember, even when you feel like it, you are never alone...have funzz at zee work...

Hey there Intellectual Brat! I know, sometimes I'm amazed I've been on here so long; although, there are tons that have been on here a long, long time!
Hope all is well in your world 🙂 and HAPPY NEW YEAR (almost...)

LOL Nope. I pretty much work 2nd trick so I'm up late.

Happy New Year ( early )! A toast..to a damned fine man in our bed, a lot of laughter, a lot of tears, much joy and all the amazing food one can eat without it sticking to our asses. 😄

Posted by intellectualbrat
Only slept 2 hrs last night..and now, here I am again 😢

Oh that really sucks. At times I can't sleep because my brain won't ZIPPIT! :/

And MY were they loved well. *delicately arched brow* Here's to one to cook breakfast for, to swipe his shirt and make off with it, one whom you can reach over and feel that warm depression where his head was so you roll over and just inhale his scent. Awww yeh. I ain't talking bout some fly by night douchebag who woos you with platitudes. Here's to the real damned deal.

I do, and you just know if you lay down you're going to toss..and turn..and you sigh. You pad over and collect your lovey ( My Lamb..he rocks ) and snuggle in. Then you just give up, get up and hook up some tunes. Try to relax with something mellow and soft to do that slow unwind.

It's taken some getting used too, that's for sure. After the ex left it took me a very long time to get used too one side of the bed being no occupado. You miss arms round you and another body slowly breathing next to yours. But you know? I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely. I'd go outside and night and look at the big and beautiful full moon and just ache. Feeling that someone who was my absolutely true match is out there. He may not never make me cry, Lord knows I'll get PO'd at him from time to time, but he'll be good for me. Love me long time. From the top of my goofy head to the tips of my glitter polished toenails.

Oh honey, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. 😢 My daughter passed away 2 years ago, diabetic episode. I intensely feel your pain.

It's all pain, and the deep missing of them. They leave such an awfully big emptiness in their wake. I hold onto the love so fiercely, stroke her pictures. Kiss them. Sleep with her toys on occasion. You live, sometimes you wonder how you do, but you do. One bloody day at a time. And when you get those moments of happiness you hang onto them for all you're worth.

Because my baby girl was so full of life and light. Every day was such a joy for her. She'd want to kick my ass up square around my ears for being so sad. But oh that does not stop missing those sweet arms around you, those kisses or that ringing laughter from choking the breath out of you and knocking you to your knees. I tell myself she's within me. As I gave her life, and as I cradled her in her final hour, she is with me. Acceptance is a bitter pill. I still keep thinking at times it's some horrible nightmare. She'll come bounding in covered in mud, pick a fight with her brother..screeching to the rafters over some slight. I miss her. I look for her everywhere. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and feel her in the wind around me, touching me gently if a ladybug lands on me. I ask "WHY?" and it will never, ever be answered. I get up each day at times because I must. It never goes away, it's always within you, that ache. You just survive it, the best way you can.

NOW *wiping tears* This thread was not meant to be a big Debby Downer. So! Legs akimbo, coffee mug high, and here's a big ol' two fingers up to Life. Happiness is vital, it's key. Those you love around you, keeping you strong when you can't be. 🙂

Absolutely. And for those who've never been through it, honestly have no idea.

Loss, we've all experienced it. But it always touches someone else..until it touches you. Then you know. It's something you never wanted to know. Our brain veers from it. People shrink from you as though it's catching. They don't know what to say in that awkward silence. They mean well, but. Anyone who's been through it will tell you that.

(((HUGS))) Let's go get hammered. At LEAST schnockered enough to giggle and scope out the natural wildlife. Still seems to be only one set of cheeks I wanna be ogling. And that's alright too. It's part of knowing.
And fuck AYE we're strong. We have to be, we're women. The ones that keep everything together for everyone else. The wellspring of comfort, the arms that hold, the kiss that holds magic. We love for the joy of loving. And ain't nuffin' wrong wif DAT.

LMAO Twisted. Ya hearing the man USC? Directing his own movie now.

*smiles coyly and laughs * Oh 25thDecan, is that ALL you can come up with 😉 trust in the fact that if it WERE a movie reel, it would be truly stupendous, provacative, scintillating, intense, erotic and s-a-t-i-s-f-y-i-n-g. You can take that to the bank and cash it.
*spins and whips hair back, licks finger to smooth line of black seamed stockings *

Posted by venusianbull
LMAO Twisted. Ya hearing the man USC? Directing his own movie now.

Men...tsk, tsk.

(((Hugs Intellectual Brat)))) goodness ladies, we are entering a New Year, I don't need to be sobbing 😢

Posted by USCTaurusGal
*smiles coyly and laughs * Oh 25thDecan, is that ALL you can come up with 😉 trust in the fact that if it WERE a movie reel, it would be truly stupendous, provacative, scintillating, intense, erotic and s-a-t-i-s-f-y-i-n-g. You can take that to the bank and cash it.
*spins and whips hair back, licks finger to smooth line of black seamed stockings *

You fine ass woman. *cracking dat ass*

((((HUGE HUGS)))) love and smooches schmexi lady! Whoop whoop! Hot? Check. Hunky? Check. 😉

Grr those virgos....lol. Hay ladies

*waving at all my beautiful sexy Bulls* 🙂

Sorry it took me a while to get back. lol I planned on being up late tonite but certainly not by myself :/. Oh well, what a beautiful event I shall make of it.

Im just reflecting, overANALizing, which I tried to tell myself I wouldnt do in the new year. The Virguy I was supposed to be hanging with, got in contact with me and vitually the last minute before we were to meet to tell me he decided to go to church with his mother for the New Year....which is lovely IF its the TRUTH. Since I have no way of really knowing otherwise Im trying to talk myself into acting as if I believe it is altho I already told him I didn't believe him, but that being irrelevant, I hope he has a good time. lol I can only imagine how our next conversation will go

Posted by intellectualbrat

Posted by venusianbull
*waving at all my beautiful sexy Bulls* 🙂

How was your evening VB?

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It was very nice. My best NYE. Convo was flowing, neighbors set off fireworks to ooooo ahhhh ohhhh. A tree in my brain, an amulet over a beating heart. The Moon and the Ocean, and well. *sigh* It was lovely. Only one thing could have made it better yet. 🙂

Posted by SweetestFatale
Sorry it took me a while to get back. lol I planned on being up late tonite but certainly not by myself :/. Oh well, what a beautiful event I shall make of it.

Dxp cuts off anyways, I was going to post well wishes and bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt. Stinks when plans go awry.

*fingers crossed* He went to church with his Ma. Because if he didn't that is one el LAME ASS excuse.