Random Crap

Twenty One Things Never To Say
To The Officer Who Pulled You Over

21. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

20. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.

19. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

18. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me,
good job.

17. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to
be a police officer.

16. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.

15. Bad cop. No donut.

14. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

12. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriends night stand.

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb
to work at McDonalds?

09. I pay your salary

08. So uh, you on the take or what?

07. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning.

06. Do you know why you pulled me over? okay, just so one of
us does.

05. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there was
no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me!

04. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the
trained specialist.

03. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and
the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

02. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this 44
magnum.

01. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity
searches?

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma or Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its' ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $ 2 for a $ 1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $ 1 for a $ 2 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIE😱
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

LMAO

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me CAPITALISM. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the GOVERNMENT. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the PEOPLE. The nanny, we'll consider her the WORKING CLASS. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the FUTURE. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

EPT (early pregnancy test)

Blue means not pregnant. Pink means pregnant. Brown means you had it in the
wrong hole.

Where do you find this stuff?

YOU know you're living in 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have internet.

6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business-like manner.

7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial "99" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.. 🙂

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when a
little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why
they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth." she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."




It pays to be careful around old people....

haha, it took awhile for me to collect these; i got them from e-mails that my aunt and cousin sent me. i have soooo many, but it's taking me FOREVER to look through them.

but yeah, i thought that it was about time to clean up my account, and as i was reading through some of the e-mails, i decided to post a few here. =]

i'm just basically posting ones that i find unique and less likely known. some were actually written by my aunt's friends (she's got good connections lol), so they're not streaming around the internet yet.

and ahhhhh, my eyes are getting tired from reading so much!..

..but i guess they're still fun, though.. =P

hi +_+

*TI : ) LT*

now men: THIS is why you don't wanna push a lady's buttons..

LOL, she didn't even go into GAP.. HAAA

crap.. the picture above was supposed to be this one:

awwww, poor guy.....

LOL

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his
tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light
goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's
great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then
when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

(sorry i suddenly disappeared yesterday; my friends surprised me and i went to go comfort a friend. she's an aquarius who had recently went through a break-up with an aquarius boyfriend. i was kinda playing psychiatrist lol. it was funny becuz she was on the bed, telling me her thoughts as though she were a patient, and i was sitting on the chair like i was some kind of professional. HAHA i felt so important and helpful. but yeah, it makes me feel good that i helped, becuz she started thinking more positively. but since she was still a little unsettled, i let her spend the night in my room (she wanted to, and i could totally tell that she didn't want to be alone). but hmmmm.. i don't know why, but ppl always come to me with their problems and ask for advice -- and since i'm surprisingly sypathetic, i always get extremely sad afterwards. i don't know why; it's not like i'm sad for myself, but it's like i can feel their pain or whatnot. AHHHH why do all the traits of mine that i do not like, ALL have to do with my cancer moon?!!? dangitty dang.

i wish i had no heart.. things would be so much easier........ *sigh*)

hmm the post above was kinda random, but ahh well.. that's the title of the thread, is it not?? lolly..

Subject: NO FOOLING AROUND

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything:
tutors, flash cards, special learning centers -- in short, everything they could
think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they told him he had to improve his
math skills and so they took Tommy down and enrolled him in a local Catholic
parochial school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his
face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his
room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room
and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and, to her shock, the minute he was done he
marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the
books as hard as before.

This went on for some time. Day after Day. The mother tried to understand what
had suddenly made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his
report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the
books again. With great trepidation, his mom looked at the report card and to
her surprise, little Tommy had gotten an A+ in math. She could no longer hold
back her curiosity.

She went to his room and asked, "Tommy, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!"

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the new books, the discipline, the strict
class, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I
saw that guy on the wall nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they weren't
fooling around."

IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.
and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you
before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to
do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that
we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a
telephone line?)


IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of
her.She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed
on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the
Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit
by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTSIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put any- thing in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker
of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals blind people when the light is red.Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"


IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.


IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handl and discovered that it was
unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which
he replied, "I know - I already got that side."


NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?

ONE DAY A CUCUMBER, PICKLE AND A PENIS WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION:

THE PICKLE SAYS: "YOU KNOW, MY LIFE REALLY SUCKS. WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY THEY SPRINKLE SEASONINGS OVER ME AND THEY STICK ME IN A JAR."

THE CUCUMBER SAYS: "YEAH, YOU THINK THAT'S BAD? WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY, THEY SLICE ME UP AND THEY PUT ME OVER SALAD."

THE PENIS SAYS: "YOU THINK THAT YOUR LIVES ARE TOUGH? WHENEVER I GET BIG, FAT AND JUICY, THEY THROW A PLASTIC BAG OVER MY HEAD, SHOVE ME IN A WET, DARK, SMELLY ROOM, AND FORCE ME TO DO PUSH-UPS UNTIL I THROW UP AND LOSE CONSCIOUSNS!



(omfg, i can't believe i even HAVE these jokes.. wtf.. lol)

"Most Embarrassing Moments Contest"


Lady golfer

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


Nuts About You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, " No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. to this day, my sister has never let me forget.


Strip Mall

My husband and I took out three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going out store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed onto it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.


Curl Up and Die

I walked into a a hair salon with my husband and three kids came in and asked loudly, "how much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Pad Please

An insurance man visited at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a kotex right in front of our guest.


Ho Ho Ho

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well I had copies made and included one with each of our christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror- wearing nothing but a camera.


Priceless

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stores I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE!" That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"


Mom's Advice

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and a not paying attention. She went back to find out out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just been recently circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He then did what his mom had told him to do and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO CALL YOUR MOM!" she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if i could stick it out 'till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

"Smart kid"


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test, and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree.


Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry: "Legs"


Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets"


Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"


Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"


Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"


Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands"


Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"


Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"


Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"


Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Harry: "Nose"


Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"


Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"




The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the
sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!".

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign,
and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone
had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"



(haha this one is extra lame, but i feel like posting it anyway.. *shrugs*)

Using the words: GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK, all at once.

"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN,GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW... BLUE's this? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, bah... please don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok ?

Everyone who has a dog calls him ?Rover? or ?Brownie? etc. But Jack
named his dog ?Sex?. However ?Sex? had been very embarrassing to Jack.

When Jack went to the city hall to renew his dog?s license , he told
the young desk clerk that he would like to have a license for ?Sex?.
The clerk said ?I would like to have one too?.
Jack said ?But this is for my dog?.
The Clerk said he didn?t care what she looked like.

Jack said ?You don?t understand , I?ve had ?Sex? since I was nine
years old. The clerk replied ?You must have been quite a kid?

When Jack got married and went on his honeymoon, he took his dog
along. He told the hotel clerk that he wanted a room for him and
his wife and a separate room for ?Sex?.
The clerk said ?Every room is suitable for sex?.
Jack said ?You do not understand , Sex keeps me awake at night?
The clerk said ?Me too?.

One day jack entered ?Sex? in a contest but before the competition
began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked Jack why he was
just standing there looking around. Jack told him that he had
planned to have ?Sex? in the contest.
The other man replied ?You should have sold tickets?.
?But you don?t understand?, Jack said, ?I wanted to have ?Sex? on TV
during the contest." The other guy said ?Well I sure won?t miss it?.

When Jack & his wife got separated, they went to the court to fight
for the custody of the dog.
Jack said ?Your Honour, I had Sex before I married.?
The judge said ?Me too?.

Last night ?Sex? ran off again. Jack spent hours around town looking
for him. A Cop came over to him and asked,
?What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning ??
Jack answered, ?I?m looking for ?Sex?.
The Cop booked him.

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote.

But I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner.

One Train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified . On the next railway station the driver was caught: He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned.

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.

The Authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger! You should have run over that person.

Sardarji said: Exactly! That is what i also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close!



(geeez, i needa start deleting my e-mail jokes..)

Santa was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend
Banta. As Banta stood beside the bed, Santa's frail condition grew worse,
and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Banta lovingly handed
him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength
to scribble a note. Then he died.

Banta thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped
it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Banta was
visiting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he'd worn the day Santa died.

"You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Subject: The Perfect Couple


Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving theirperfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the sideofthe road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.


Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.


Question: Who was the survivor?





























Answer:The perfect woman survived.


She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men, keep scrolling.





































































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.











































































































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:









Women never listen.

15 years Ago:

A program was..... a television show
An application was.... for employment
Windows were..... something you hated to clean
A cursor.... used profanity
A keyboard was.... a piano
Memory was.... something you lost with age
A CD was... a bank account
And if you had a 3 _ floppy you hoped no one found out
If you unzipped in public you went to jail
Compress was something you did to garbage
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A backup happened to your toilet
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
Cut you did with scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!!!


TIMES SURE HAVE CHANGED!

Banta had gone to a remote village on some work & couldn't finish the
work on time. He missed the last bus from that place and couldn't
find any Hotel to stay till late night. He approached a house nearby
and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow
you to stay".

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for
the night. The Owner replied, "I have 3 grown up Daughters. Sorry,
I can't allow you to stay".

He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked,
"Do you have "grown up" daughters?".

The Owner asked,"WHY———"

Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night....."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."

Man coming home very tired after work his wife tells him that the shower is not working. Man replies "I am not a plumber. Just call the plumber"

Next day
Man coming home very tired Wife tells him that the cupboard door has broken and needs to be replaced. Man replies "I am not a carpenter. Call the Carpenter"

Third day
Man coming home very tired from work Wife says "honey the work is done. The young boy from the neighbourhood came and did the work for me. He repaired the cupboard door and now the shower is also working. "

Man says "Good ... did he charge anything?"

Wife replies "No. He did it on one condition that I either sleep with him for one night OR Bake a nice cake for him"

Man says "well did you bake the cake then?"

Women replies "I am not a baker..................."

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple
walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want
the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while
the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty,
explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say
good bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long", he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

The dissappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs ?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters.. First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand.. totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed.Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked", said the friend."

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

Hari and Gani walked toward each other on a country road. Hari carried a burlap bag over his shoulder.

"Hey Buddy," Gani drawled, "what's in the bag?"

"Chickens," was the reply.

"If I guess how many, can I have one?"

"You can have both of them."

"OK, Five?"


(i'm posting this one becuz it has happened to me before.. *sigh* once again..)

"Too much of a computer nerd?"

Husband (Returning late from work ): "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife : Have you brought the grocery ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife : But I told you in the morning?
Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort ?

Wife : What about my new TV?
Husband : Variable not found ...

Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...

Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters ...

Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : By Default.

Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

Wife : Are you going to drink some wine ?
Husband : File system is full.

Wife : What is the relation between u and your Receptionist ?
Husband : Only user in my WRITE group.

Wife : What is my value in the family ?
Husband : Unknown Virus.

When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains,
and I missed mine.

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books,
and I didn't want any.

When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers,
and I asked for two long ones.

When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
and I asked for two fat ones.

When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses,
and I asked for a big red one.

When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds,
and I asked for a big soft one.

God, am I a mess?


(this one is pretty common..)

An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Ms. Dalton?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"