Random Crap (Page 2)

Subject: Urinalysis


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike, who was behind him. "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike repiles, "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore on the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lotcheapter than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slo and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy lifting. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masterbated into the mixture for good measures.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is to hard. Get a water softner.

2. Your dog has ringworms. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park and catch some shuteye.

Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a jogger. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?"

"Yeah, it's 6:27."

The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger. "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?"

"Yeah. It's 6:34."

The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which read: "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME".

He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.

Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another jogger.

He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"

The jogger replied, "It's 6:42."

Dear ________,

I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your uncle read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last redneck who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your uncle Sam has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jack fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend, Harry, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
GKV

P.S. : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Two Very Good Questions.....


Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an
abortion?


Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

(Decide on your answers before you scroll down.)
























































































Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Candidate B is Winston Churchill,
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.


And by the way: Answer to the abortion question if you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.


And remember,
"Amateurs built the ark... professionals built the Titanic."

The proud father is taking his son for a drive in the countryside,
but he's driving 60 m.p.h. in a 20 m.p.h. zone. The son looked at
the speedometer and said, "Dad, you are a real lion!"

The proud dad took the compliment and played the part of a hero to
his son by stepping even more on the gas pedal. This time, he is
traveling at 80 m.p.h. in a 20 m.p.h. zone. The son looked at the
speedometer and said, "Dad, you are a perfect lion!"

The dad smiled proudly. Just then, they drove past a farm with a
jackass. The son said, pointing to the jackass, "Dad look! A lion"!

Saddam calls Bush on 11th sept:

Saddam: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to
you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings...
I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with
that...It was not us...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Saddam: Oh, and what time it is in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Saddam: Oops...Will call back in an hour! Bye bye.

The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him:

"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy.
But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we
have copies of everything."

SIPPING VODKA


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"

Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of
China."

George: "Great. Lay it on me."

Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."

George: "That's what I want to know."

Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."

George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes."

George: "I mean the fellow's name."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George: "The guy in China."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George: "The new leader of China."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George: "The Chinaman!"

Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."

George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"

Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."

George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"

Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."

George: "That's whose name?"

Condoleeza: "Yes."

George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East."

Condoleeza: "That's correct."

George: "Then who is in China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir is in China?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Then who is?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."

Condoleeza: "Kofi?"

George: "No, thanks."

Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"

George: "No."

Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."

George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Kofi?"

George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"

Condoleeza: "And call who?"

George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"

Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."

George: "Will you stay out of China?!"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Kofi."

George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if
there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said
you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun
in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too...


(clever guy.. lol)

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries
of life and his own personal problems.

The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God,
can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the
dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because
I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as
quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous
woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."


(yikes..)

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he
arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, 'Wow, these
seatsare big!' The person next to him answered, 'Everything is
big in Texas.'

When the finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between
his hands. He exclaimed, 'Wow these mugs are big!' The bartender
replied, 'Everything is big in Texas.'

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where
the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, 'Second door to
the right.'

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped
over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third
door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
'Don't flush, don't flush!'"

Subject: The English Language


(Obviously written by an American - who DOESN'T understand how English has
developed.)

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely
language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English
lovers.


Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

(cont...)

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you
can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an
end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men
or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have
kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept
a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."


(he must be crazy then.. lol *sarcasm*)

Two Rednecks were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying
like hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"

Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid?"

First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut
my finger"

Hearing this the second one started crying very loudly. The first
one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...


Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most
frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table perhour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed!

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!"
Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

and the clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

and the owner goes "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

and the clerk goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

"Sound Comments"

Eleanor Roosevelt:
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but
fine up against a wall".

George Burns:
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and have the two as close together as possible.

Victor Borge:
Santa Claus has the right idea ...visit people only once a year.

Mark Twain:
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Les Dawson:
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Socrates:
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Groucho Marx:
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Jimmy Durante:
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

Jilly Cooper:
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Alex Levine:
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Mark Twain: Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world
owes you nothing. It was here first.

Ed Furgol: My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying.

Spike Milligan: Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery.

Henny Youngman: What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Joe Namath:
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.

Herbert Henry Asquith:
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.

Bob Hope:
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.

W.C. Fields:
A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.

George Burns: It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through
Congress. ~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid
you. ~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But...everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that
you
are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere. ~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown

http://www.colorquiz.com


that's pretty interesting......

"TRUE STORIES"


Idoit #1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poision control center. Today, this
woman called in very upset because she caught her
little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened to mention that she gave her daughter some
ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.


Idiot #2

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane
and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on
the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was
homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no
longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint
might run.


Idiot #3

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to
rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in
this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give
his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
couldn't read it anyway.

Idiot #4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $ 40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
$ 40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the
police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $ 40. Another
sign. (Though this guy might be onto something worth
thinking about!)

Idiot #5

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun
and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in
the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license. They arrested the robber two
hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!


Idiot #6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign,
he probably figured it out himself.


Idiot #7

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.

Idiot #8

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at
12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away. Sign please.


*Please note that all of the above people are allowed
to vote.

Riddle: (this one's obviously old, but i kinda like it)


John F. Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well,"? says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Kerry frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"?

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this. Please, Tony. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good,"? Says the Queen.

Back at the US, Kerry asks to speak with John Edwards. "John, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

John Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in next stall.

John Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"?

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Edwards goes back to The Office to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face. "NO, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

8 STUPID PEOPLE


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $ 26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B—

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT—

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and
a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket. (Hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make
it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell
them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything in
perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of
the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared
up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing !

"Somebody Scurred Him"

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look, and figured
I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,
my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...OH, Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around!"

Believe it or not, you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice
A head of Romaine lettuce,
A 2 Lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 Lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them.

Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.

The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes,.. and then—" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

ARGH! ok, no more jokes. i'm posting WAY too many and i don't think that i can read anymore without going blind. a lot of them are repetitive anyway, so yeah.

and besides, it would be crazy to think that anyone had actually read all of these becuz, holy crap, i don't know if i would even read these if i had found them here. sheeesh.

so yeah, i'll stop. *sigh of relief*

but hmm, i think i'll post a few more of something else; stuff that i don't have to read to much of.. puhahahhaha..




..and now all of you think i'm crazy (if you hadn't already).. tee hee hee.

"I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?"

Oh wow taht was so feraekn esay! The mnid ralely is inceridlbe!